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The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Full Moon Hash 1 Mar 2010 by Horn-E
 
    Lower Wackoff laid his annual winter madness trail from The Gladstone Lounge as usual. And with mild weather, it was great. If you were a DFL of course. Gas Stop Bob was often the front runner tonight, or walker, as he continually braved the Checks and found the true trail. Then the front runners had to brave all of that gas in trying to follow trail. We started out with four hounds and finished with four hounds and two ducks. Fuck a bunch of ducks.
    At the first Triple Split, Or G and Gas Stop Bob were off to the west and down an alley. EZ On The Ass headed straight south and we almost lost him. Horn-E headed south on Milwaukee and returned to find no one at the Split and fuzzy marks in the alley. This led to a big loop to the north and across Milwaukee. The hare was seen in the distance and Horn-E was playing catch-up. Two blocks later we had a Check. Gas Stop Bob headed east and eventually was ON. EZ On The Ass finally caught up and Horn-E and Or G were sniffing out False trails. We were soon at Elston and still not able to catch the power walking Gas Stop Bob. He was finally caught at a Split and Horn-E led us through a gangway and up an alley. Here we found the picture. Or G decided the hash needed some class at the beer stop, so he brought the picture. Imagine that. The Chicago Full Moon Hash getting culture. Next they will want us to stop singing dirty songs. NOT. We ran on until we finally came to this small ball park next to the golf course and a Check. Horn-E went south heading for the woods and golf course. NOT. EZ On The Ass headed straight and towards the golf course. Gas Stop Bob headed north and was On again. Running through the clouds of gas we eventually ran along Indian Rd to Devon. Daring the traffic to hit us, we charged across and entered into the woods. We ran along a driveway to a parking lot and another Check. Horn-E headed straight and was On one, On two, and On down to the rivers edge and no more marks. But the river looked great in the dark with all of that snow on the ground. Coming back out he passed Gas Stop Bob who didn't believe it was a False trail and went back along the river. EZ On The Ass headed for the woods to the right and On one, On two, and into the woods following footprints. That bastard hare got him good on that one. If it wasn't for the eventual On call he would still be following those footprints. Meanwhile Or G was contemplating the nearby, closed for the season, twisting water slide at a pool. He was thinking about sending our hare down it on a skeleton sled and hopefully into a pole at 93 meters/minute. Did you ever hear a hare say something about the trail can pick up in any of 369 degrees of a Check? Horn-E finally went back on trail and into the woods and their was a mark. Barely. The trail was laid the day before and with the near melting temperature of the day, the marks, red flour was sinking into the snow. But there was one. On two. On three???? Or was that. In the dark it looked like deer piss next to a tree. Sure as hell wasn't going to go down and smell it. Had to find On four before Horn-E blew the horn and headed out. A short distance later was a bridge. No marks were there so Horn-E went back to a Split and kept blowing the horn until he saw dark shadows coming through the woods. The night runnere were coming and he took off through the woods until he saw some guy with a bicycle, drinking beer. Weird. Was he part of a beer stop? He distracted Horn-E just enough to miss a turn mark. But EZ On The Ass soon came up last, saw the turn mark and one more mark and he was at B. And there was this duck with her little duckling guarding the beer. Now, EZ On The Ass could smell the beer, but he couldn't see the beer. Finally Lower Wackoff got it away from those damn ducks.
    And there we were, drinking beer in the woods. Peaceful and tranquil, surrounded by trees and logs and snow everywhere. We had a picture of this Irish Cottage hanging from a tree nand farm animals. Culture and creatures. And Or G writing his name in the snow on one side and Horn-E on the other. It wasn't cold, out of the wind, and just a great spot to just stand and hang for a beer spot. One of the best of the year.
    After several beers, we followed the twisting trail back to Gladstone. Four weary hounds and one bastard hare. Lower Wackoff ordered beer and we had $5 pictures of Leine Bock and MGD. Held a casual circle and enjoyed the poetry of Gas Stop Bob. Lower Wackoff took the ducks home and Horn-E forgot the picture in the bar. There goes our culture.
    
The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash, 18 Feb 2010 by Horn-E
 
    Damn, but I barely made it there in time. One El and two buses and one hour and thirty minutes. I could have walked there in a half that time. But I just made it before the chalk talk. Rhotan showed up just as we were about to leave. So we had two hares and a pack of eleven. Then he went into the bar to change clothes and sit down with his Windy City Times in the men's room. By the time he emerged from Mamey's we were long gone. Our hares were Lifa and Pokehisanus and in some respects, Pokehisanus laid a better trail. His marks were bigger, brighter, and better placed. But the trail ended up with some long straights which tend to string out the pack and with a bunch of speedsters like we had, the back of the pack fell way behind. So far that Chippendale left the beer stop before we even got there.
    But what of the trail? We anticipated a lot of Humboldt Park but headed straight into city streets to the north of North Ave. And mostly stayed there. A quick loop in an alley and back north had Horn-E and Corn Star falling behind early. We ran along some tracks and in some weeds for a block and a Check. Just as we were thinking we were already lost, some of the pack was returning from False trails. Trail went another hundred feet along the tracks and south in an alley to a Split. Sperm Diversion was returning from the south so Slippery Box headed for a gangway and Happy Ass Grabber unlocked the gate and suddenly we were near the front. That didn't last long as the pack streaked ahead, finally going north in an alley. At the next street the pack continued north. Just as he was about to enter the alley, Horn-E spotted Genesis looping back on the street to the west. Shortcut. And Corn Star and Horn-E were suddenly 2 and 3 as we followed Genesis. Several short blocks later Genesis got caught in a short loop and the pack was back together. We stayed together until we hit Humboldt and a Triple Split. Trail went north and then west and the pack really started to stretch out here. Horn-E was dead last and even behind the sweep hare, Pokehisanus. A series of alleys and he finally passed Corn Star and Just Joe, our virgin of the day. We headed further west and south of the tracks again and Horn-E finally caught a glimpse of Happy Ass Grabber and turbo dog in the distance. Bye. Heading on a long, yes another long straight away along the tracks he managed to spot somebody in the distance going back under the tracks. Horn-E kept turning back to look for Corn Star and Just Joe and blow his horn for them. Under the track was a broken pipe and a flood of water all over the street. After finally crossing the street, Dark Side Of The Poon showed up. He couldn't find marks. Between them, they found marks up to track level and back to the east along a stalled freight train. Calling out directions to the trailing Corn Star and Just Joe, they continued along the tracks following a steady stream of foot prints. Now the hare Lifa says we missed a section where we were supposed to get to the other side of the train and go all of the way to the end of the train before circling back, we never saw it and the footprint stream was steady. Even marks and red arrows. Finally the marks went left, north and under a fence. Yeah, sliding under, on our backs, in the snow. Back to street level Horn-E and Dark Side Of The Poon headed west and eventually back south under the tracks we just ran down. The DFLs were out of sight and so were the FRBs. Finally we saw someone running behind us. We crossed North Ave and it was Rhotan who was finally catching us. As we entered an alley, Dark Side Of The Poon demonstrated why he will never be an Olymprick Skater and he couldn't even stand on ice in shoes. Bam, and down he went. But now it was the three of us, heading west and south. Finally a Split and Rhotan went south. So Horn-E went east. No one called so at the end of the long block Horn-E headed south to parallel the others. Didn't see them, but did find an arrow and it was a short half mile into the beer stop on top of a hill in Humblodt Park. What happened to the others? Apparently Horn-E missed a Check with that little loop and several minutes later they finally arrived at the beer stop. Horn-E got the last good beer and they got shit beer. Here we had a spectacular view of down town Chicago while we drank our beer and waited for the DFLs. Then it was about a half mile walk On In.
    Back at the bar we found Tinkle Trotskie waiting for us. We had cans of PBR and Genesis called the circle together in the back room. Free VD managed to yet again get FRB. The hares got more then their share. We were officially introduced to Just Joe, our virgin. Hi Joe. We even had a nice long song for once as we really worked our way through the Dickie Die Do song. Some new good verses. Then the pack settled into watching the Olympics on a small screen TV. Just like the old days of friendlier bars and before wall size TVs imposing themselves on every aspect of the place. Nice. Good time.
 
The Tale of the Trail
The Big Dog Hash 6 Feb 2010 by Horn-E
    Nice turnout of 12 hounds for the Annual Idiotarod Hash. EZ On The Ass helped Happy Ass Grabber hare from the Happy House and we were soon off on a long killer trail. Actually, not that bad. About 75 minutes of ghetto hashing to the beer stop and then a half mile or so on in. I digress. We were off and running to the north a bit and then we headed west. Horn-E was following Crop Duster as he just found trail and sure enough Tinkle Trotskie, Just Allison and Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs just ran right on by him. Slow old fart. Across empty lots and down alleys with the pack spreading out and then re-converging, sort of before Genesis, Lifa, Tinkle Trotskie, Crop Duster, and Pokehisanus would run away with the pack again. At one point EZ On  The Ass yelled out, "Horn go straight." This was just after the last of the FRBs, Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs headed east on a side street. So Horn-E headed south thinking a quick loop. Not. A block to the east the leader kept heading south and finally disappeared. They ended up on a loop up on some tracks and over the road we stragglers were on. They came back to earth about a block to the west and another loop back to the road we were on. Meanwhile we headed south under the trestle to the next corner and the Turkey/Eagle Split. Corn Star, R-Tard-E, SnatchSquatch and the Turkey sweep EZ On The Ass went off on the turkey trail. Horn-E headed west on the Eagle trail alone. Two long blocks later was a Check. West. Dog footprints, but couldn't find the third mark. Back to Check and south. Nothing. All right, north. Here Horn-E ran into Lifa ranging from the loop the front pack was on. Finding nothing, we headed back to Check and three others had caught up, Crop Duster, Genesis and Tinkle Trotskie and she was on to the west. Damn, Horn-E almost had it. From here on, with those fast bastards he was lucky to just keep the rear hasher in sight between Checks, loops and Splits. We ran on down the middle of some boulevards and through enough alleys. Everywhere we went, people were constantly asking what we were up to, who we were chasing or who was chasing us. Eventually we ran through a park and headed north. Lifa could be barely seen in the distance as the trail headed up some tracks and into a short loop. Damn, just close enough to miss them coming out of the loop. Had to do it all. Upon coming out of the loop, some more Eagles came along. Pokehisanus managed to spot the FRBs and passed Horn-E and Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs and Just Allison were just arriving as Horn-E emerged from the loop. From here It was an easy 7.5 miles or so on into the beer stop were we got a shitty beer for coming in so late. Eventually Its Too Soft came across the bridge and the pack was in. From here we ran slowly back to the On In.
    Beer, may varieties and some good stuff too. And out came the fresh pop corn and some pizza. We held the rotating Big Dog type circle and we all relaxed. A well done hash.
  
The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 14 Feb 2010 by Horn-E The Chinese New Years Hash.
 
This was Ballsalotapus's annual thing and he had his usual crew to help, Virtually Hung laying trail, Just Do Me Slowly and Cum In My Ass Fault looking beautiful and helping with decorations and the beer stop. I counted 45 in the circle and that is probably a close count to the actual hounds on trail. We took off to the west. Hey, Chinatown is to the east. At Halsted was a Check. When I got there I saw The 69 Cent Man running north from the Check. Chicken Stifer ran after him and was yelling On. But they weren't On and a bunch of hashers were following. Trail went west. Now remember, this is a Virtually Hung trail and he twists things around pretty good. And he did. Add that to the fact that we went from white arrows to blue and red flour and things got confused. All day. This pack really seemed confused and looking like a bunch of virgins on trail. Heading west I saw the pack head south and into an alley heading west. Paralleling along and suddenly Genesis is heading my way. Huh!!!. Crossing the street we spotted a Split, coming from the east. but Genesis is leading, coming from the west. Oh Oh. Horn-E went north for a long block and found nothing. Again the pack seemed to just linger and suddenly disappeard to the west. Horn-E went west and nothing after two blocks. Circling back and he saw nothing. Finally he saw the pack, again lingering around, about three blocks to the south. He caught up, just as Dickens Cider, I think, found trail through a field and heading east. But again, nobody seemed to be on and then they were running and then not On. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and SnatchSquatch were seen running through a field and headed south. A block south and again, the back was lingering around again. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Horn-E headed south off a Triple Split and trail was finally spotted to the east. By the time we got back on trail, the pack was under the Dan Ryan and at another Check. Getting there just in time the pack headed south to an On call from someone. But again we couldn't seem to find anything and came to a regroup Check. Regroup Check? We were regrouping every two blocks and confused and lost. From here trail headed south to 22nd St. and crossed the river heading east on 22nd Street. Being on the south side of the street as we crossed the bridge, there were no marks there as I followed Bloody Asshole. But someone was on across the street. At Canal was a Triple Split. Again, no one could find anything and finally Bloody Asshole found something to the south and the pack was off again. For about three blocks. Again, we couldn't find things and we were on and off and on and off before we finally found marks under some tracks and Return To Gender from Madison led us to another Check. Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs found trail to the south. Meanwhile Horn-E and The 69 Cent Man were a block east. We headed south and ran into Dickens Cider saying she was on a Split. Horn-E kept going east to Chinatown. Nothing. Heading north he spotted Just Gene, a transplant to Chicago on his first trail here. We ran through Chinatown to 22nd St. We finally spotted the pack a long block to the west and running parallel. So we crossed 22nd St and headed into the mall area. Now here it gets interesting. We head to the mall and see Cumma Slutra running our way. We head east and around the mall to the north. Hashers everywhere. Genesis, Its Too Soft, Glory Hole, Hoosier Daddy and Ginger Snatch. But no beer stop anywhere near the usual place. They said they were on a Check, so Horn-E circled back through the mall and to the check at Archer and 22nd St. Here he spotted the hare who told him the trail was to the west over the 22nd St. Bridge on the south side of the bridge. Now I crossed there before, and there were no marks. There were now. Horn-E passed Hoosier Daddy and SnatchSquatch and a few others and led them across the bridge. At the far end was a turn north and past a factory and a long block. At the end was a Split. The beer stop was just ahead of the straight mark. But Horn-E spotted a mark to the left arrow. This led to a narrow path between a building and a fence. Horn-E hit some half buried strips of siding under the snow. Bamm, on his ass. But he got up and ran on looking for the next mark. There wasn't any. SnatchSquatch, Bloody Asshole and a few others were right behind him. Here is where some said, FUCK it and headed back to the bar. Horn-E and Bloody Asshole headed back east and around the other trail looking for a loop from that other mark at the last Split. He was able to spot most of the pack and redirect them back to the Split. Sure enough, a half mile later of running in circles, Bloody Asshole and Horn-E managed to find the beer stop and the rest of the pack. Right around the corner from the last, mis-marked Split. Damn. But we had a quick good beer, poured by the lovely Geishas, or whatever. and we headed back. Even Bloody Asshole, running without a shirt as usual, was getting cold.
    Back at the bar we soon circled up and Genesis held a lively circle. We even had a Chinese Fire Drill. Many down downs were given. Bloody Asshole had to do one out of the sleeve. The posers had to come out and drink one and so did our visitors Return To Gender, Stair Master from Madison, Bloody Asshole from Las Vegas, and Beaver Toe from Dallas. Just Andy was a virgin and called out for one. Welcome. After that we had some fried rice and a raffle. Does anyone want a directors cut of a Bruce Lee film? A bunch of us ended up four blocks away for a nightcap or two and then Lifa and Horn-E walked about two miles down town to catch a bus and train home. Good time. While I didn't get all of the names, let me add these to the story, Stab 'em & Slab 'em, Sperm Diversion, Just Suetfe looking sexy in an Asian outfit, Ass Capades, EZ On The Ass, R-Tard-E, Slippery Box, International Virgin, Poultry Fucker, Crop Duster, Pink Pants'her, Muffin The Mule, and some of the posers were Fistful Of Pricks, Sit In Pee, We'll Bangher, and Peterbilt. If I didn't get your name, sorry. Come by at the next big hash and make sure I get it in my book. Please. I really want to mention you all.
 
On On
Horn-E
 
 
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