Chicago Full Moon Hash

A short Tale of the Trail for a long hard trail
The Chicago Hash June 30, 2014 by Horn-E
.....It rained at hash start time and there was no trail from Roses and SnatchSquatch was just sitting there. It rained harder as tornadoes swept into Illinois. It rained on and on and the hare just sat there. Finally the hare took off with a ten minute head start into rain. Not a down pour anymore, but not a drizzle. And the pack was 15 hardy water hounds. Well make that 14 hardy water hounds and one old near dead water hound (Horn-E) that was wrapped up in rain gear. The trail went into an alley and came to a Check right away. Dr Cockvorkian went right, wrong. Somebody went straight and into an alley and a pack of fools followed on only two marks. Dumb hounds. Trail went left and west and soon another Check. Horse Fly (from Houston) was a block north and off. Damn., Trail went into an alley, turned right and at the next street it turned left and into a park where the hare was waiting with a cooler of beer. Roofie Ragu was the first and we all know who was last. Damn old hound. So there we stood in a playlot. The rain was almost over. Beautiful lightening strikes over the loop to entertain us. So there we stood under trees waiting for the next lightening strike. No one said hound were smart. But One Fuck Chuck got smarter and led a bunch of hounds out from the trees into the playlot. Now that was reeaally smart. Metal fence and metal structures everywhere. That will never attract lightening. And then the playlot sprinkler system turned on. Yeah, the park district is watering the playlot in a storm. But at least it fascinated Hoosier Daddy and Soul Taco. We soon finished the beer and headed back to the bar. About three looong blocks back which was just about as loooong as the on out trail. Taste the Rainbow led a circle and and one house puppy arrived, Its Too Soft. The other brave hounds who ventured out into the raging storm included Drill In My Box, Ginger Snatch, Epi Penis, One Fuck Chuck, Ice Princess, Just Taylor, Just Mike, Just Slobhan and Just Laura. And then the rains returned with more tornadoes and we were stuck in the bar watching cars floating down the street until it finally slacked down. Couldn't even get a cab, but the gondolas were out in force. With sails. x
The Tale of the Trail

The Thursday Hash, 3 April 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was a Rhotan Trail out of Ravens and rain was expected. It never came. So we had a trail with flour and some nasty tricks. We started right across the street and into an alley the pack ran. It is a dead end. That left that slow old fart Horn-E in the lead as trail actually went south on Clark. But at the first street, another missed mark and trail was found to the east. Now it was back and forth for a bit. We ran one block and then north to Fullerton where the trail went right back south on the other side of the street. And he caught everyone. Back east to the alley and then south and finally into Lincoln Park. And back north right away. I followed Hoosier Daddy on a short cut and we rejoined the pack at the Shakesphere Statue. Now here the pack got screwed again. There was some sort of Split just across the street and Lifa found it. One trail went around the park and the other into a few trees next to the observatory and back out to the path heading north. I followed a few front runners and we were off. We crossed Fullerton and headed south in the park, west of the lagoon. I was just getting to a Check at the Gazebo when trail was found to the north and over the hill. A I ran along, following the pack of FRBs way ahead, the missing back of the pack started to arrive. We ran along the jogging path and at the turn at the north end, I could see a gathering in a playground. Beer Stop? I ran on and Hoosier Daddy and the new to Chicago Hasher,Rolo (new to Chicago from Toledo Mud Hens H3) raced past me to beat me through the gate. And there was beer. Many varieties. And all was good. But finally we had to head back. Trail went back along the lakefront and only four managed to head that way, Feather, Lifa, Dr. Cockvorcian and Little Trojan Annie. Damn show offs. As slow as I was running, I wasn't going to try to keep up with them. I walked back with the rest of the pack.

.....The pack was eventually called together in a circle by the Dark Kunt. Many down downs were given to our hare. Rhotan. And he deserved them all. We also had several returnees. Tinkle Trotskie and the Hasher Of A Thousand Names, whatever he is using now, visited from Portland. And all old favorite, surprised me as I was getting pop corn and I almost spilled it all, Corn Star showed up after the run. Welcome back and come back often. Foamy Discharge was also a House Puppy this night. And the rest of the trail hounds included Hooch B4 Cooch, O'Shitty Runch, Menstrual Casserole, One Fuck Chuck, W Jew 40, and Its Too Soft.

The Tale of the Trail

The Second City Hash, 6 April 2014 by Horn-E

.....We ran this out of Just Dan's House, not a hasher, but a friend of Crotch Fire a hare along with False Advertising. And there was a large turnout of one house puppy, Dickens Cider who can't walk much right now and stayed behind at the fire with Just Dan. We had Bloody Thighs who just planned to walk as she is also in recovery. Partial joggers included virgins Just Katy and Just Danny And we also had Sugar Nuts and Zone 2. Then there was Specklebird who jogged and walked with Spawn Of Speckie. As we speed up, there was The KGB traveling with Just Allie in a stroller and walking a lot and Son Of Spam who fell back with The KGB. Now I didn't see much of then on trail, but they all beat me to the beer stop. And then they walked along with False Advertising who quit sweeping after the beer stop and just walked a short course back with the walkers.

.....Then there were those that actually tried to run the course and left me behind. The real trail hounds and one old mutt, Horn-E. We took off to the east on Randolph and then Washington and across Ridgeland for a block and a Check. This seemed to take forever as no one was finding anything. I found myself ranging south to Madison when trail was found in an alley. I followed east until the leaders came out in front of me and a Check on Madison and Taylor. Various hashers were scattered when Snotcho Mama found trail to the south. I followed Lifa with Chippendale on the other side of the street. After one block, Lifa picked up trail to the east on Adams and eventually to a Check. Again we scattered. I finally found one, then two marks to the east and Lifa was already way out there. He found another mark, a Triple Split at Austin. Lifa went south and eventually was on going west on Adams along Columbus Park. Meanwhile I was almost a block north and I paralleled for two blocks before heading south and joining the pack in pursuit. From here I'm not sure who was where, but there was a bunch of FRBs in the distance and out of sight. I tried to keep Just Do Me Slowly in sight, eventually joining her as we went over some water and around some small wooded section.The KGB, pushing Just Allie and Son Of Spam were still in sight behind us. We ran on and eventually we were alone as we ran around the east end of the park and to the south end. We now head south on Central going under the Expressway and emerging at the south end on the east side of the street and at the top of some stairs. Here is an arrow and the last arrow, pointing west. We cross over the street and enter an industrial area and seeing no more marks, I yell to Just Do Me Slowly that I'll go back and see if we missed some marks going around the buildings. As I step out of sight, Just Do Me Slowly sees the head of the pack, drinking beer at an unmarked beer stop. Huh. Meanwhile I run on trying to go around the buildings and pick up Just Do Me Slowly at the far end. Not happening. Nothing but fences. After three blocks I loop back, crossing Central to check that out and finally coming back to that last arrow. It is still straight, but there was nothing ahead. So I run on again checking that area and this time I go far enough to see what Just Do Me Slowly saw, now the whole pack including the walkers. Damn.

.....So after a beer, we head west along some tracks and past a bunch of bee hives. I'm talking 30 or 40. Probably a winter storage area until planting season. Anyhow, we go around on a wide loop and climb back up on an old pallet and head west. I'm with Chippendale, Lifa and Snotcho Mama as we go south and find a Split heading west and a Check at an alley. Well, typical of the marks of the day, often hard to find, Hooch B4 Cooch is also here and he is south in an alley. He doesn't return. But we are all scattered, looking for marks and no one is yelling on. Apparently Hooch B4 Cooch was On. I range to Austin when I see Lifa, a block further west, heading south towards Roosevelt. I head that way and see Snotcho Mama coming out of an alley. He was On and now not On. He missed something. Eventually Berts Special Friend was then coming down the alley and he found the missing arrow that led to trail going a block south of Roosevelt and then west.Snotcho Mama and I followed to the south and in the distance we could see Berts Special Friend and Lifa far ahead. Trail finally headed north again and we could see the leaders, about two long blocks ahead, going west. When we got there, it was a Split, but the trail didn't go west. Damn. Now here is where we really needed the sweep. But he was busy being not busy and walking along with the walkers and not sweeping the trail. So we were on our own. But we are hashers. We'll find it. Eventually. Won't we? So Snotcho Mama returns and heads south and finds the trail and a Check a block later. I am paralleling him. We are now at a little park and he comes my way and two blocks further. Not On. So I head south around the little park, on the east side of the street. Unfortunately we found the trail was on the west side of the street after six more blocks of running a large circle around the park. Actually trail went into this little park and up a big sledding hill. The third mark was hidden under some leaves. At the top of the hill was an arrow pointing down to the north west. But where. Certainly not in the grass anywhere we could see and I already ran that sidewalk. Finally I cross the street and there is the trail. Damn. Now where was that sweep? From here it was fairly easy trail sort of left, right, left, right. Of course there was that arrow marked as on and then crossed out. What did that mean. And then there was a time Snotcho Mama was heading north, definitely on, gets to a corner and no marks. Must be straight ahead. Right? Wrong. As he looks around for the trailing Horn-E, he luckily spots a mark on the other side of the street going west. Huh. Any way, we run on and eventually back to the back yard and again, the whole pack including walkers. Damn. Well, you know who is getting DFL.

.....Lifa led the circle and we had a nice little circle singing one long song and such. The hares got many a deserved down down and so did Horn-E for trying to hard to follow trail. I mean coming in last, twice. After the circle, Crotch Fire brought out a roasted turkey and I walked away with a big leg to gnaw on like a starving dog. Food was good, good home brew, good bottles and cans and Just Dan kept the fire going while burning off old Christmas trees and scrap lumber. I finally left for home with a grateful ride from Snotcho Mama.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash, 1 April 2014 by Horn-E

.....Our hares were Snotcho Mama and Just Genna and we ran out of and around the Cork. We had twelve trail hounds with two of them, Just Tim and Just Brit, virgins. Trail headed straight west and at the first block was a Triple Split. For some reason a bunch of the hounds headed south, but Horn-E knew the trail went west because he got off the bus at Damen and a Check and trail right to there. But it is April Fools Day and who can trust a hare even under normal conditions. So Horn-E just headed straight and to the Check. Going north was False so he headed west and was on a block later. Trail then went north and after a long block there was a Back Check. Damn hares. And no one is behind Horn-E. On the way back looking for the Back Check he finally ran into Just Do Me Slowly, Just Brit and the hares. Trail went west at the alley and again north after one block. And Horn-E is still running alone. A block north was a Triple Split and Horn-E ran west for a block. And there was another Triple Split, but coming from the south. Obviously missing a loop, Horn-E heads north but didn't see any marks. Heading back, he finally sees Dr. Cockvorcian returning from the west part of the Triple split. Welcome back to the hash. But he also had nothing. So we traded trails and searched again and he was On to the north and it went all the way to Irving Park, leaving Horn-E paralleling and still alone. Anyhow, Dr. Cockvorcian found a Check at Irving Park. He checked north and found nothing. Horn-E was already to the west and not On. So we returned and Horn-E headed east on the north side of the street and almost a long block later he found a mark in a parking lot. We were soon on and heading west in the alley. A little confusion along the way but we ended up at another Check to the north west. Lifa and Horn-E went west and found nothing. Berts Special Friend found trail in a hospital zone and led the pack to the south west. Horn-E saw the direction they went and headed south to a Check at Western and Irving Park. He and Berts Special Friend headed west. A big park in that direction. Had to be. Not. Trail was east a block and then south. But the pack finally converged on a section the sweep, Just Genna told us was now a live trail. But Snotcho Mama was back already. Trail, being live, went back over old marks to Addison and straight east to the bar, past many Triple Splits and all the way past the bar and into the alley and a beer stop. Damn hares. But we finally had beer. Well, sort of. A shade better then O'Douls. And a lot more potent. Olde English 800 16s. Damn hares. Now that is just cruel. But soon Lifa showed up with a keg of Langunitas IPA. Now that was better.

.....Finally we went back to the bar and $7 large pitchers. Horn-E got the beer flowing and the Moon Hash circle started and everyone was soon into various charges and penalties for the hares. We formally met our Virgins, Just Brit and Just Tim, and it took Lifa three tries to give them a proper demonstration. Eventually all circles must end and the last two hounds out were Hooch B4 Cooch and Horn-E. Other hounds on trail were Son Of Spam, Lower Wackoff, Meat Insider and the return of Caught Red Headed.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Whiskey Hash, 26 Mar, 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was set by Hooch B4 Cooch and Rump Springa from Rocks in Lincoln Park. We had 10 Trail Hounds as we took off to the east. We did the usual array of streets as Horn-E fell behind as usual. But I could barely keep the pack in sight until shit started to happen. We headed east to another Check and the sweep was standing on the Check a block west of Halsted on Webster. A yell was heard into an alley and Hooch B4 Coochcalled it just as I arrived. At the alley the pack was disappearing at the other end of the alley and trail went into the De Paul Campus. They did a little loop and I was just catching up as they headed out to Fullerton and east to Halsted, Lincoln. Now here things got really screwed up. As I arrived, Snotcho Mama was saying something about them being On to the south and there were several hounds running south. So I never saw the Check. Ooops. At the alley was a Split and Son Of Spam and The KGB were down the alley. Berts Special Friend andMeat Insider and others were just south on Halsted. I ran the alley and found nothing. At Dickens no one seemed ON. Well, just west was old trail, so it had to be south. Son Of Spam and Horn-E headed south to Oz Park. That was all that was left. And Son Of Spam searched the park while Horn-E went back to Halsted. No marks were found. We headed north to find where the pack disappeared. No marks. We again searched the alley. Nothing. Damn. So we returned. And there at the corner of Lincoln and Halsted we saw the Check, that I never saw as Snotcho Mama was marking a south arrow. And that arrow was now marked out and another arrow added going west.

..... Lesson: While we in back appreciate people marking Checks and Splits on many trails as they are solved, when there is a sweep, it is his job. Let him do it. Also, for everyone, the idea is to call out what is happening, like Checking, Split, etc so the newly arriving hounds no what is happening. Whistles and horns are nice, especially in a noisy city, but please yell also, so we know, even if you are just ON ON.

.....So Son Of Spam and Horn-E followed the trail, now marked by the sweep and we eventually went just west of Halsted and north of Diversey as we headed to a roof top finish and Whiskey stop.

.....Here Berts Special Friend led a mini circle before we headed back to the bar. At the bar we settled into some tables, ate food, drank a little whiskey and a little bit of beer and then headed home. Other hounds on trail included Glory Hole, Crotch Fire, Just Sean, and our visitor from Seattle, Stink In The Pink.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 27 Mar 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was set by, Helen Keller Facial, Rump Springa and Hooch B4 Cooch out of Big Joes. Rain happened and might again, so Helen Keller Facial and Hooch B4 Cooch laid a live trail while Rump Springa went to the beer stop. We headed north and west with a pack of fifteen trail hounds. About two blocks later we stalled at a Check before it was found down an alley heading west. Now I'm not exactly last, yet, but I sensed a short cut over to Foster with this huge park at a school to the south. But no one is in sight. Finally, two blocks west I see the usual FRBs, Roofie Ragu, Dr Cockvorcian, Taste The Rainbow, Feather, etc. heading south across Foster and into the park. I was at another entrance and so I paralleled the leaders as they ran through the park. By the time I got to the far south end of the park, I was now paralleling the back of the pack as they were a street to the west of me. A block later I see Dr Cockvorcian coming my way yelling Check or maybe he was only checking his drawers or something. Anyhow, I crossed the street and there was an arrow and then another and I'm ON. Yes, me. And I'm ahead of the FRBs. We run to Damen and a Check. First there, first choice and I picked east, across Damen. At the alley I get a Split. I pick the arrow into the alley and was almost all the way to the end before I spotted a mark of flour on a pole. I hadn't been looking there. I looked back and no one is there. Finally I spot Dr Cockvorkian and I blow my horn and take off. Trail headed further west in the alley for another block and several Splits and I'm still ahead and heading over to Lawrence. East on Lawrence and I'm really tiring now but when you are ahead, you try to keep going as well and as fast and as far as you can. I finally hit an entrance to a parking lot where there was a little loop and Feather and Dr. Cockvorcian finally passed me. Relief. I can walk a little and the main body of the pack is soon passing me. Two blocks later is a Split into an alley. The mark going straight looked more like just some wind blown flour and everyone was heading into the alley. Meanwhile Snotcho Mama is returning to that mark saying something about a mark on the corner. It must be a loop. No. That is the correct way and those in the alley are wrong. Ooops. He did get called out for that in the circle. Anyway, by the time I got out of the alley, the whole pack had now passed me. Damn. From first to last in less then two blocks. So I follow Mudsucker and soon he was out of sight. I was really winded now, but there was a BN. So I followed on as the trail went north, east to Ashland, North to Foster and then back east. Are we going to the usual tunnel under the tracks about two blocks north. Naturally and there was the whole pack including some house puppies.

.....Back at the bar, The Dark Kunt called the pack into a circle after the beer started flowing. Drill In My Box poured beer like the cute little beer wench she is. Feather was beaten constantly in circle with a spatula. I was waiting for the RA to flip him over and start beating him on the other side. The hares got many. Down downs that is. no beatings. We had several House Puppies, Hoosier Daddy who was too busy having a chit chat with President, Jimmy Carter, to hash with us. Glory Hole just showed up late. O'Shitty Runch showed up late after running over a civilian in the rain on his bicycle. O'Shitty Runch was on the bicycle that is and the civilian was running for shelter in the rain. And Mount Schwiiinga arrived just in time to present Horn-E with a horn she found in the twin cities at a hash. Thanks. After the circle we finally had a naming for Just Steff. Honey, you will be forever known as Menstural (sp) Caserole. (sp) I'm sure someone will correct me. After that a cake was brought out for the birthday boys and then we drank on into the night. Trail Hounds also on trail included Bi Holer, W Jew 40, Little Trojan Annie, and one more time, our visitor from Seattle, Stink In The Pink.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 30 Mar 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of Streeters by Just Eh and That Thing That Vibrates. He swept the trail and she escorted a litter of house puppies including Rhotan, and old Lab, Drill In My Box, a chihuahua, Back Door County, a standard poodle, Menstuarl Caserol an Irish Setter, Vincent Van Ho a visiting Afgan Hound from Portland, and three little virgin puppy schnuddles, Just Sarah, Just Katy and Just Dani. While I'm on the House Puppys, Ice Princess a Pit Bull and our GM, Soul Taco, a Rottweiler showed up after the hash.

.....Anyhow, back to our hares. Just Eh did a Eh so so job of sweeping. Kidding. a good job. A That Thing That Vibrates did a great job of walking that bunch of House Puppys to a shot stop along the Chicago River where she had a treat for all of the Trail Hounds. Then she walked them north to a little park along Franklin where there was a beer stop. But all of those puppys were getting tired, especially that little Chihuahua, and they arrived late with the refreshments for the Trail Hounds who were waiting with their tongues hanging out.

.....But lets get to the trail for those trail hounds. There was fourteen of them off on trail and the usual array of fast runners. Like Lifa, who barely beat Mudsucker to the shot stop. All right, he got drunk last night and ran a race this morning and then drank at beer in the box. But lets talk trail. After circle we were pointed across the street to the south and west. But TampOn TampOff ran straight west and a bunch followed. I ran across the street and didn't see a mark so I sort of followed and Roofie Ragu crossed the street and ran ahead of me. But no marks. So I back tracked and followed Snotcho Mama as we headed south and there was a small pack ahead of us with Just Eh. Two blocks later was a Check. To the west was TampOn TampOff and Roofie Raguand I signaled to them that we were at a Check. They had nothing. so I headed west and found nothing. As I was returning I heard an ON ON call from Mudsucker. He was On to the south on Rush. I blew the horn and followed and soon the FRBs were passing us. Two blocks later we turned west and up some stairs to Wabash and south. As I went along R-Tard-E was running with me and suddenly the pack returned from a Back Check and went down some stairs to Hubbard. At State St they headed south and as I and Mudsucker got to Kinsie, the pack was returning again. Dr Cockvorcian found marks on the upper level and headed towards Michigan through the Wrigley Building complex. I ran below contemplating a turn to Lower Level Michigan. Not. Snotcho Mama was following me and as we got to Wrigley Plaza we ran into Smell Like Twat Sweat who let us know we were at a Check and it wasn't to the south. Big mistake on her part. It was and the hare had to finally point us on the way. Meanwhile we were scattered all over. Dr Cockvorcian to the east, just as Roofie Ragu returns from the east. We checked to the north and nothing. I went west. Nothing. Finally returning, we were pointed ON and Jizzyalmost ran me down on the crowded bridge. We gathered at the Wacker light and on green we ran south to a Check at South Water. TampOn TampOff was to the east and I yelled we had a Check. But someone had already found trail to the west and he was soon passing me. At Wabash we ran south for two blocks. Just before Washington I saw the leaders heading west so I did an alley with R-Tard-E right behind me. And we get to State St. Just as Glory Hole is running by, On from a Split. This has us heading west on Wacker and Glory Holefinds a Check at Dearborn. I cross heading north and TampOn TampOff is already heading north on the other side of the street. He finds trail and I cross the street and blow the horn for the following hounds. Jizzy passes me and misses a turn to the west on Kinzie. Meanwhile Dr Cockvorcian and Horn-E follow TampOn TampOff. At the next corner we have a Split. But Glory Hole joins us and I follow him west and we are ON. This runs straight west to Orleans and SSN. And Horn-E might have been near the front, but the usual FRBs are soon passing him. He can't even keep up with the bimbos. Well we all knew that. No, I mean running. And Smell Like Twat Sweat goes flying right on by. And she was the only bimbo on trail. Where are all the bimbos? It was finally warm and they can come out of hibernation in their nice tight shorts and tops. Yeah!! Come on out. I digress. We hit Orleans and we head south to a shot stop at the river. Well, at least Horn-E wasn't last this time, as Its Too Soft, Just Dan, R-Tard-E, Dick Hermonica, Epi Penis, R-Tard-E all followed with Mudsucker and LIfa coming in last. But I'm glad that Mudsucker followed way back. I lost my shirt along trail and he found it. Thanks. And I got it back in circle with the usual down down.

.....After the shot Stop the Trail Hounds took off to the west and over the Chicago River. Checking there had us going north and then back across the river several blocks north. Now Horn-E is back where he belongs, picking up the rear. Just can't get going after these damn shot stops. But I run on and finally north on Franklin as I pass the House Puppys at Chicago Ave. A block later the Trail Hounds are sitting around in a dog park waiting for refreshments. Cold beer.

.....Back at the bar we finally collected Hash Cash thanks to Glory Hole getting it started. Check that money and make sure none of it fell into a Glory Hole. Finally we had enough and we were drinking beer. Lifa called the circle together and many down downs were given to all. We met our virgins and our visitors showed why we will always welcome her back. Nice girly bits. After circle we drank on until the last of the pack finally left. Those two old hounds, Horn-E and Rhotan outlasted all of the young pups.

On ON

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 20 Mar, 2014 by Horn-E

.....A new hash bar, The Bar Below and we had Snotcho Mama and Son Of Spam haring. We had 18 trail hounds on this trail as we headed west through the loop. Snotcho Mama was sweeping and did a decent job that allowed this old fart to keep the pack in sight until we turned back east. Hey, I made it half way. Anyhow the trail was mostly straight east occasionally going a block south. We finally got to Adams at Union Station. I thought I was dead last, but a block south and I caught up again. We ran on to Van Buren and then west to Canal where there was a Split. And apparently a bunch of hounds were a block west and not on trail. The sweep hinted and that old fart Horn-E found a hidden mark to the south. Blowing the horn, he was in front of a bunch of hounds. But after a tunnel under the Expressway, I was back in back. We headed east and I saw Hooch B4 Cooch crossing the street to the south. With no traffic I crossed also. Big mistake. Trail didn't go this way and now being out of sight, I had to backtrack as the trail again went down under the Expressway. Here we had to climb a fence and cross a grassy hill. Yes, a grassy hill downtown. More zig zag as trail went south and into the La Salle Street Station, and out the other side. Up and down and I'm just far enough behind to not catch a short cut. Trail goes west on Harrison and further and over to State Street. Now we go north and with a series of alleys and streets we almost go into Grant Park and back into alleys and finally we loop back towards the bar and there is an arrow into a doorway of a garage and a note to go to 12. And there was the pack at a beer stop. Nice spot. And thanks to Foamy Discharge, who arrived late and tried to catch the pack and didn't, I wasn't DFL.

.....Back at the bar we had a back room and One Fuck Chuck led the circle. And the beer was Lite bottles in huge buckets. The hares drank often for that trail. Others on trail included Bi Holer, Dr. Cockvorkian, O'Shitty Runch, Crotch Fire, Roofie Ragu, Feather, SnatchSquatch, Berts Special Friend, Puzzled In The Sack, My Hard Will Go On, Meat Insider, Little Trojan Annie, Drill In My Box and The Dark Kunt. We had Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob and Sugar Nuts for House Puppies.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 23 Mar, 2014 by Horn-E

.....Another part of the birthday tour of Hooch B4 Cooch and Rump Springa out of Carol's. And this one had some surprised thanks to Rump Springa inventing more beer stops. Apparently the first two were T and E splits where the E might lead to beer. Huh. Trail started north in an alley and we eventually had 16 Trail Hounds including one walker, a visitor, Bringing Up The Rear. Okay. So she hung back with Hooch B4 Cooch and apparently immediately fell. Boom, bang, no hope of running. Meanwhile the pack is running east on Lawrence then south at a Split. Now that was fun. As I got to the Split, I could see TampOn TampOff to the east and not on. Feather was a long block south and now returning on the other side of the street. We finally get a call to the east and it isn't TampOn TampOff. Somehow he missed a turn alley into the first alley. Why would that happen? Oh, yeah. Trail laid the day before and a bit of snow overnight. Hmmm. Meanwhile we headed south and I'm in the alley with the back of the pack, Just Tina and Zone 2. We come out one long block south and finally Feather catches up having run that distance three times. We're now heading east and then south again. Coming out at Wilson we head to the college area at another Split. And a block later I think there was a Back Check and suddenly a bunch of hounds were following Dr Cockvorkian to the east and under the tracks. We finally came to another Split under the tracks that led to a Check at Broadway. We weren't getting anywhere. Horn-E finally went south past Target and found a third arrow, a Triple Split at Montrose. And as he is about to start south, there are Dr. Cockvorkian and Feather. Where did they come from. Anyhow, south is False. So Horn-E goes west and it is a False. By the time he returns, he is dead last again with Snotcho Mama and the hare sweep. We eventually head south and east to Sheridan and back west towards Broadway. Here we spot a T and E Split. We're behind so we opt for the T so we can catch up. At the corner we find a Check and False Advertising returning from a False. Now is that a real False or false advertising from False Advertising. So Horn-E heads south and is eventually on and it leads to a Split at Irving Park. He goes right, wrong and the other two arrive and go left, right. This is a short loop and we are soon heading west a block south of Irving Park. This leads to a series of Splits, with true trail going west. At the cemetery we have another Split. Snotcho Mama finds trail turning west at Irving Park. Now this is a solid RED CHALK TURN, just like the marks the hares used. But they claimed they didn't do it. It had to be old marks by Snotcho Mama. But he didn't run trail there and it was fresh. Hmmm. Anyway, we are about to head west when the rest of the pack arrives, led by TampOn TampOff. That is when we find out that the previous T and E Split led to beer and we were leading. Anyhow, we run on to Clark and no marks. Finally Roofie Ragu goes further west and finds marks and we are On to a Check a block later. Meanwhile, the back of the pack arrived at that Split at the cemetery with the hare sweep and he points them south where they eventually went to a beer stop. WTF. We eventually solve that Check and head on a few blocks north to a B in a little park. The real beer stop. About fifteen minutes later Hooch B4 Cooch arrives with those missing hashers from beer stop number 2. Another five minutes later Rump Springa and Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob arrive with the B-E-E-R. From here it was about a mile walk back and after waiting so long for beer, no one was ready to run back.

.....At the bar we found several House Puppys including Soul Taco, Hoosier Daddy, and eventually Dick Hermonica, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Sugar Nuts and Foamy Discharge. Dr. Cockvorkian was volunteered to be the R A. First time and not to bad. All right, not to good. Whatever. We did meet our visitors, Bring Up The Rear and Asscott To Mouth. After circle we hung until the beer money ran out, then about ten hashers went to a Mexican Carry Out and another dive bar to finish off the night.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 13 Mar 2014 by Horn-E

.....Frequent Flyer, Snotcho Mama and Just Bill set trail out of Durkins. Just Bill was a virgin and therefore a virgin hare. He is from Nittany Valley and will start hashing out there. A pack of 16 total, with the late comers, headed east and south at the second Check the pack was just disappearing as Son Of Spam and Horn-E arrived. We headed behind a school and into a slippery, ice covered alley with a Split at the end. We went east to Clark and missed a tiny arrow along the way, squeezed between patches of snow. But at Clark, we didn't see an arrow. We crossed Clark and went through McDonalds. Nothing. Returning to Clark we split up and Son Of Span finally found an arrow heading north. Well, by now we are way behind the pack. Trail went into a westerly loop and back to Clark at Diversey and the usual check. Son Of Spam went east towards the park and found nothing. Well, not nothing. He found Rump Springa. Meanwhile Horn-E found trail to the north. The three of us zigged and zagged between Broadway and Clark and finally a Check at Halsted. We finally found a mark coming out of an alley and heading west on Briar. Another Check at Sheffield split us up as Horn-E finally found trail to the south and blew the Horn for the other two. Two blocks south and the trail looped back east and a block later we found the pack in a playground with a keg of beer. Suddenly Berts Special Friend came in DFL. He showed up late and somehow found the trail without sweep marks. Why can't he find trail when he runs with the pack?

.....Back at the bar, the beer started to flow in the back room and Lifa ran the circle. We did have one visitor from the Hog Town Hash, Half Wit. Welcome to Chicago. There were several House Puppies, in Helen Keller Facial, Sugar Nuts, Just Steff, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob. There was a long list of Trail Hounds also on trail even if I didn't see them on trail. They included Poultry Fucker, Epi Penis, Foamy discharge, W Jew 40 (Glad to see you running again), O'Shitty Runch, Just Preston, Its Too Soft, Roofie Ragu, Drill In My Box, One Fuck Chuck, and Dr. Cockvorkian.

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash, 15 Mar 2104

.....Overnight I got an email from Lower Wackoff. He couldn't make the hash or On IN, but asked if he could set a beer stop for us. He would provide the beer and meet us at the shelter in Edgebrook Woods. He's a Bushman Hasher and bothered to ask. We don't normally do this at the Bushman Hash because we finish in the woods and circle there. But we could do this one time and trail was going to go that way anyhow.

.....Trail was set out of Lechowicz Woods by Horn-E. The rat bastard. Before starting, Meat Insider was running around looking for some hand Lotion. What? This is the Bushman Hash. So off we went with trail going down the ice covered sledding hill. There was a Check at the bottom and the hare already had to point things out to the pack.Son Of Spam and Or G went straight and managed to find trail skipping a big loop along the river. Meanwhile Lifa found it and called On On. And he found a Split from two months ago, finally coming out of the melting snow. Meat Insider and Berts Special Friend followed Lifa and they did a nice loop along the river. Meanwhile the other two are heading east, up a hill and around a field of tall prairie grasses and another Check. Or G found that and ran on and was just out of sight when Lifa managed to climb the hill to the prairie grasses. He leads the back pack and right onto trail at the check. Meanwhile Gas Stop Bob and Horn-E tried a short cut and almost found themselves in deep water.There was soon another Check at the drop shaft for deep tunnel. And Or G and Son Of Spam were still working that Check. The pack is back together. After a hint from the hare, Or G finally got on the trail along a fence and heading to a railroad track crossing. And the pack emerged through the woods and followed. This led to the dirt bike hills and another Check. Somehow Meat Insider ended up leading the pack out of there and to the railroad trestle where Gas Stop Bob and Horn-E were waiting. She kept leading across the tracks and finally to a turn down the embankment and across some narrow water. She just showed up the guys by butt sliding down the hill and running on. Berts Special Friend and Son Of Span followed. Or G did a wider loop and Lifa even farthur around the water. But back to our FRB. She came up to a big gate into the golf course, locked with a chain. But she slipped her tiny body on through and was off across the golf course following marks and footprints. Berts Special Friend squeezed through the fence and followed. Next was Or G and just as he got through, Meat Insider yelled Back Check. Those old bastards, Horn-E and Gas Stop Bob are watching and laughing.Lifa meanwhile finds the Back Check and leads the pack north along the tracks, as the rest of the pack squeezes back through that gate. A short time later they were back into the woods for a real nasty Check. The real trail actually looped around trail already run and off to a Back Check. But in the woods, it is easy to lose track of where you are and after the Back Check the trail went right past a False from the Check. Makes sense. NO. But they were running around and eventually found the trail out and across the tracks and into Edgebrook woods.

..... And there was Lower Wackoff waiting with some attempts at Black and Tans and other beers. Berts Special Friend and Meat Insider were off tackling Son Of Spam in the wet snow and rolling around. They finally came to the beer and all was good. Almost. Berts Special Friend was covered in burrs. Yes, in the snow. These burrs poke through his pants and were pricking his skin underneath and well into his crotch were the little pricks were pricking his prick. So he is trying to drink and plucking little pricks from his little prick. Finally Meat Insider came to help and there she is, bent over into his crotch plucking little pricks from his little prick. Meanwhile the rest of us are just listening to Lifa sing us another long song about being 'As drunk as I could be'. Lower Wackoff finally told us why he wanted to set this beer stop for us. He was turning 60. Couldn't stay long as he has another party to go off to, but wanted to spend a little time on this momentous day with some good friends. Thanks for taking a break from your other party and joining us for a little while. Good luck.

.....And back into the winds we went. Gas Stop Bob and Horn-E went over to Central and crossed the bridge to watch the pack in the woods and wait for them at the beer stop. The pack went across Central and into woods on what was a wet, and then snowy loop in that section of woods. Finally coming back along the river until a bend in the river and there was flour pointing across the cold swollen river. Horn-E is a rat bastard. And on the other side is a Check. So the pack followed the rivers edge only to find the river had overflowed the bank and they would have to loop back around this section of water and then head east to the bridge. And as they crossed the bridge we were waiting with the cold beer.

.....We crossed Central and went to this huge mound of hot embers. The Forest Preserve District was there earlier with volunteers gathering ground cover to burn and cutting down invasive species. It was warm. Meat Insider was designated our official bottle opener and given the bottle opener, a little opener on the end of a little wooden prick. And she fondled it throughout the circle like it was the biggest wood she ever handled. And the hash scribe picks on everyone. We circled until that old man hare got cold and sang some good songs like Mobile. The younger hounds headed off to the city to partake in St. Patrick's Day drinking and the old farts headed over to The Nil for a couple of pitchers of good beers.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 16 Mar 2104 by Horn-E

.....A small turnout for all of the special things the hare, Epi Penis had for us out of O'Donnell's. As we took off, there were only five regular hounds, Dr Cockvorkian, Lifa, Chicken Stifer, Its Too Soft, and Horn-E. We did have two visitors, Suxxxs 2 B U from Tucson and Bud Wiper from Phoenix. We also had a new hasher in the area, from Uganda, Just Dan. Welcome to Chicago. Trail started to the east and hit the goofy angled streets between Pulaski and Milwaukee. Our visitors started out well and led withJust Dan, but it was short lived. At a Check at Pulaski, Lifa took the lead and we followed from there on. As we worked our way through the neighborhood streets, Epi Penishad us twisting all over in direct contrast to his last trail. But little help as the leaders, Dr Cockvorkian, Lifa, Chicken Stifer eventually worked through a series of easy Checks and Splits leaving the rest behind. Just Dan and Its Too Soft finally made a middle pack and Horn-E was back with the visitors, finally walking into the beer stop withSuxxxs 2 B U. There was a bottle of Jameson and green good jello shots. After here the pack took off on more twisting trail that led to a predictable tiny little park near the Expressway for another beer stop. All right, we've been here before. Horn-E and Suxxxs 2 B U finally came walking in only to see two House puppies, Soul Taco who rode along with the hare and Ginger Snatch who somehow found the beer stop. A few minutes later we all started walking back to the bar.

.....Back at the bar we were greeted by two more house puppies, or just drunken mongrels, Smell This and Humpty Dumpty. Shit happens and it did. Chaos would rule the day. We were let into the back room and Soul Taco soon had the beer flowing. Epi Penis had several pizzas there along with various chip varieties and a couple dozen cupcakes for St. Patrick's Day. Well done. Lifa bailed us out with starting a circle, but excessive loud talking, shouting and interrupting turned it into chaos, as Lifa tried to get in the basics of a circle and introduce the new visitors, Bud Wiper and Suxxxs 2 B U and our newest transplants, Just Dan. Pied Piper also showed up, a frequent visitor from San Francisco. But there was no control of this circle and Lifa immediately started to sing Swing Low along with everybody else except Smell This who tried to out shout us throughout the song. Done. Thanks Lifa. After this, some left soon. Then our visitors started a game that was a cross between pong and who knows what and a lot of drinking and more chaos. After that those that were still there settled into nice conversation circles. Thanks Epi Penis.

.....

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash, 17 Mar 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of Babe's by two hashers trying to set everything in Mar to celebrate their birthdays, Hooch B4 Cooch and Rump Springa. Horn-E arrived late after a long walk from the end of the bus line at Central and Caldwell. And as he was walking in the woods he found two binders full of sports cards. Strange, Where they stolen and abandoned there. Did some kid just forget them after a trade session. But whatever, both hares wanted at those cards and are card collectors. So they divided them up after the hash. Whatever

.....We started up into an alley and a quick Split. Lifa as On to the west and we basically followed him west through a series of Splits. At our first Check, Lifa tried straight and was already coming back when Or G and Horn-E arrived. Lifa then went south, found a new bar to try out and finally returned as Horn-E was following Or G to the north and through a hole in a fence and into a cemetery. We finally got to the roads in the cemetery and at the first Split, Or G headed north and Horn-E was On to the east. This took us through three more Splits and finally to the corner of the cemetery and a fence climb. Beer near. We crossed Milwaukee and there was the beer in the parking lot behind some elderly housing. Or G and Horn-E felt right at home. Lifa was desperately trying to appear younger. After the beer we headed north along the rivers edge behind a row of buildings and finally into a parking lot and a Split. And the south on the Split pointed us right back to the same beer stop. With beer in hand we went down to river level and held circle as the full moon rose in the east.

.....After circle we headed back to the bar and shortly later a house puppy, Son Of Spam showed up. Beer was cheap, we had pop corn and cookies and settled in to drinking beer. Barely over 2 miles and 30 minutes. Damn short but nice.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of The Trail

The Thirstday Hash, Feb 20, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by O'Shitty Runch and Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob out of W Cut Rate Liquor, a real great dive bar. Horn-E, Just Graham, Four Score In The Back Door, Epi Penis, Foamy discharge, Just Steff, Rofie Ragu, Hooch B4 Cooch, Drill In My Box and Panic Vaginatum. House Puppies were W Jew 40Sugar Nuts, 10 Dix With Wings, Soul Taco, Glory Hole, and Furry Spice.

The Tale of The Trail

The Chicago Hash, Feb 23, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by Epi Penis and Hood Whorenament out of Irish Eyes.

Horn-E, Back Door County, R-Tard-E, Hooch B4 Cooch, Feather, Just Graham, Dick Harmonica, Uploader, Chunder Pussy, Son Of Spam, Berts Special Friend, Meat Insider, Taste The Rainbow, Lifa, The Dark Kunt, Soul Taco, Its Too Soft, Just Preston, Just Bobby, TampOn TampOff, Mommy Strangelove.

The Tale of The Trail

The Whiskey Wednesday Hash #2, Feb 26, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by Glory Hole out of Cobra Lounge.

Horn-E Puzzled In The Sack, Just Graham, Feather, Snotcho Mama, Rhotan, Son Of Spam, My Hard Will Go ON Forever, Lifa, MHooch B4 Cooch, Crotch Fire, Rump Springa, and one House Puppy, Meat Insider.

The Tale of The Trail

The Thirstday Hash, Feb 27, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by Hoosier Daddy out of Cork Lounge.

Horn-E, Hooch B4 Cooch, Epi Penis, O'Shitty Runch, Foamy discharge, Chippendale, Roofie Ragu, Just Steff, Panic Vaginatum, Just Graham and a lot of House Puppies with Its Too Soft, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob, Frequent Flyer, Soul Taco, Ice Princess, Four Score In The Back Door.

The Tale of The Trail

The Chicago Hash, Mar 2, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by SnatchSquatch and Soul Taco out of Moe's.

Horn-E, Rump Springa, Hooch B4 Cooch, Back door County, Chunder Pussy, Its Too Soft, Snotcho Mama, Epi Penis, Lifa, Feather, False Advertising, Dr. Cockvorkian

The Tale of The Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash, Mar 3, 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by Hooch B4 Cooch and Rump Springa out of the Jefferson Inn and despite a nasty tweet, it was not to bad with two great beer stops in neighborhood parks. Horn-E, Or G, Son Of Spam.

The Tale of The Trail

The Thirstday Hash, Mar 6, 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was set by Sugar Nuts and Snotcho Mama out of Wrigleyville North. We went outside and found several large marks for the Chalk Talk. And then off we were with 14 hounds and no sweep from the two hares. And that killed things for three of us.

.....Trail went south and then east into an alley. North from there under El tracks and finally east again in another alley. Horn-E was again trailing way back and I have no idea who was leading. Meanwhile I still haven't seen a mark yet and I'm just following way back. At the next street I finally saw a mark heading south. The pack was a block ahead, disappearing into another alley. I knew this alley and paralleled it, trying to catch up with the pack. I could see the pack to my south. They hit a fence and several crossed the fence and looked lost. Then I saw a bunch of hashers heading back west in another alley and so I backtracked trying to get back to the pack. Here was my first real screw up. If I had waited, The trail actually went over that fence and over to Broadway and a mark heading north and another and I never know where after that. And I would have been near the front. But like I said, I back tracked, running into Its Too Soft at the next corner. We were off course and I yelled that I could see the pack returning in another alley and heading south. From the distance I could recognize at least Drill In My Box. They emerged from that alley, headed south to the next corner and then east to Broadway. As I got to that corner I thought I could see the pack crossing Broadway, a block away. That was the last I saw of the pack. I ran to Broadway and there were no marks. The problem with following a distant pack is that you aren't always sure what they were following. Not always on marks, but running to try to get back to the pack. So when you get to where they were, you have no marks to follow and real guessing begins. Often wrong. I was. I thought they crossed Broadway and so I did. No marks. I headed north on the opposite side of the street from where there were real marks. Damn. But I'm not on marks. So I guessed wrong again and thought the trail might be heading over to Lincoln Park. And so I headed there, hoping to cross trail somewhere. Not. Damn. I entered the park at Irving Park, ran south to Addison and the pedestrian tunnel. Nothing. So I tried to find trail as I slowly worked my way back, finally going north on Broadway. And guess what. I found the marks I should have been following a half hour ago. As I went along I found a stash of drywall, slim three foot strips. I salvaged them and returned to he bar. Following would have been useless at that point. And back at the bar was our visitor One Trick Dick from Syracuse (Come visit again) and the virgin he brought, Just Amy (Definitely cum again). They also lost trail. Eventually a bunch of hounds arrived. Also lost. They went back out, but didn't find the Beer Stop. Eventually I was told that it was near Damen and Grace.

.....After the pack finally got in, The Dark Kunt took over the circle and gave many to the hares. We met our virgin and visitor and Chippendale took up another collection for pizza. About nine square feet of it. Anchovy pizza was good. The circle ended, we ate and Just Amy and Sugar Nuts joined the band and showed us how poorly they would do at Karoke. But the band was kind and let them up there. What they didn't know is that the band cut off there mics.

Other hounds on trail included Lifa, Hooch B4 Cooch, One Fuck Chuck, Dr. Cockvorkian, Feather, Just Steff, and Roofie Ragu.

The Tale of The Trail

The Big Dog Hash, Mar 8, 2014 by Horn-E

This was set by Or G for his birthday out of The Original Dugans, with an assist from Gas Stop Bob. Taking the Peterson Bus to the end of the line and then walking, I stumbled onto marks. They were right in the middle of a work crew, trimming trees and cutting down trees. Two lanes were blocked and often the other two lanes were stopped as cranes moved trees over to the road and loaded onto logging trucks. They were working on the north side of the street and I walked on the south side as I crossed the bridge at the river. And there were the marks. After the bridge I lost marks but picked them on on Malvina, the street I headed south on. Two marks. What you discover when coming to the hash can save your ass later. Would I die like on that last hash, or would it all pay off this time.

.....We had 11 paying hounds taking off on trail. We ran around the local streets and alleys, and the usual confusion of angled streets and confusing intersections. We were to the east of Milwaukee when the FRB came to a Triple Split. Horn-E was directed to Check left and I did. ON. Crossed MIlwaukee and there was a Check. Knowing the trail eventually had to go up to Devon, I went north a block and nothing. Checking the local alley and the pack was called ON to the west. Still north of the pack, I decided to parallel in an alley and when I came out, no one was in sight. Finally I saw Berts Special Friend heading south, but looking to the east like he was paralleling the pack. South. (?) He was paralleling. And as he headed back east, I also headed east and got to Milwaukee and no one was in sight. Damn. I'm running too slow these days and there is no way I was ever going to find and catch that pack. So I headed to known marks and decided to follow the trail in reverse to get back to the pack. The trail went east along Indian Road and into the adjacent alleys. I followed to a little park and found a Check. So, where did the trail come from that led to that Check. Going east along the south side of the park and I saw a red flour mark in snow, going north. But there was no turn marks towards this mark and so I decided this was some part of trail before the Check, not leading directly to the check. Returning to the Check I looked west and found a False. As I was about to check out the last remaining direction, I saw the leaders of the pack heading past that red mark I saw. What they did was go into a big, well laid loop and back to this Check. Only thing possible.

.....So, I'm essentially back with the pack and I headed west on Indian Road. They would surely catch me eventually. Really. Wouldn't they? Not. I followed the trail across Devon and came up to the co-hare, Gas Stop Bob who was driving to the beer stop and took a detour. He had with him the injured Just Do Me Slowly who fell on trail. Hey, at her height, she couldn't have fallen far enough to hurt herself. But really, she banged her knee and was down for the count. Gas Stop Bob pointed me straight into this big parking lot where there was a Check. I never found it, but found a mark heading into the woods. I followed this, knowing that it would only take me into a big loop along the river and eventually to those marks I saw on Devon. I wasn't On for most of this loop, but eventually came to marks. I now thought that the pack must have finally passed me while I was on this loop. Not. They were still behind me.

.....Crossing Devon and crossing the bridge, I was back on marks and slipped down to river level where I found only one set of footprints, the hares. Hmmm. I guess I'm still ahead. I ran on in deep snow, all right. Mostly walked. I tried to walk in OrGs footprints. Faster and less work and then the pack wouldn't know I was ahead of them. Horn-E is a rat bastard. But why spoil the trail for the real FRBs, just because I caught a short cut. The main pack deserves a chance to really hash instead of just following a short cutters footprints.

.....Trail again crossed Devon and into pure woods hashing. There were several crossing deer paths and paths with one or two previous walkers. OrG followed these and put Splits at many intersections. I could see he was trying to hide his footprints and walk backwords over sections to confuse the pack. And that is what I did, almost as if I was laying the trail, while actually trying to run and solve the trail. Several times I would loss my balance and that single set of footprints would become two and then back to one set of footprints. Trail dropped into a shallow revine and then a field of tall grasses and burrs. Finally it came out at the bike trail. A short bit later, there was another dip towards the river and back up to a huge field and picnic areas. And there was the hares, the auto puppy Meat Insider and Just Do Me Slowly. I tried to run in and the deep snow kept me going slow, but eventually I made it to the No Peek Beer Stop.

.....Damn, I ended up with Steel Reserve, 24 oz. About ten minutes later, the true FRB came out of the woods and fell flat on his face in the deep snow. Way to go, Berts Special Friend. He was soon followed by the pack, Lifa, Crotch Fire, EZ On The Ass, Lower Wackoff, Son Of Spam, Snotcho Mama, and one hound who arrived late with his dog, and found the pack on trail, Double Fister.

.....Lifa started up our usual Big Dog circle and we finally finished our circle just before dancing to keep warm, Meat Insider turned into Frozen Meat Insider.

We then walked back to the bar and settled into more beer. We did a few long sings and Horn-E did an Alloutte on Meat Insider. Finally we all headed on home, tired and satisfied in good trail and good beer. And I never said that.

The Tale of The Trail

The Chicago Hash, Mar 9, 2014 by Horn-E

This was set by Feather and a first time hare, Dr Cockvorkian out of Chipps. Well, when you have two fast hares, expect a long trail and we got one. We headed straight east and through a narrow passage on a bed of wet ice. And there was a Check entering a park. Just Steff and Soggy Deposits were heading straight in the wet and ice field, leaning to the right. Horn-E headed into the field heading left. Uploader was heading around the park and was soon ON. We soon were heading over the Kennedy and northeast through some side streets and up to a Check at Elston. Trail headed north and after a quick loop through a fence, we had another Check at Division. Trail went over the river and was beginning to look like the first Whiskey Hash. Lifa led some hounds over the safety rail and around a building and right back to Division. This time we went north into Goose Island and around some factories. I followed the pack and it went towards the north of the island and a beer stop. And as I was arriving, so was security. Bad bad bad hashers. That dumpster was private property. Naughty naughty naughty. So the pack wandered north towards the bridge and drank their beer. But I didn't get one. Damn.

.....So I went over the bridge looking for trail. There was a Triple Split. I checked to the west and found nothing. I checked across North Ave and onto the tracks and again, found nothing. As I look back, the pack is following me, but I'm not ON. So they turn back. And just after they turned back, I spotted the true trail across the street and coming from another direction. So I run back to the tracks and blew my horn, but no one heard me with the noise of the traffic. Anyhow, it was a Triple Split and I set off working the trail. Straight was False. and as I returned, the pack was arriving led by Uploader. We headed east and we were soon ON and headed over to Clybourn and another Check. I dashed through traffic and headed east and was soon ON. This led to a Split and then north and another Check. By the time I returned from a False, the pack was On north in an alley and into a back yard and up a narrow spiral fire escape to a beer stop. That's number two and I got a beer. Poultry Fucker tried to leave early and The KGB was bombing her with snowballs. And beer was tossed to our DFLs, False Advertising and Zone 2.

.....Now we headed back west on Armitage and eventually south. First a nice loop to the south and then over to Cortland and straight west to Elston. Now this could have been straight south except for a little loop to the east and crawling under a fence. Only Uploader and the hares did that bit and we ran on to North Ave. Here we headed west under the Kennedy and wound our way to Division. On Division I managed to get ahead of a few hounds at a Check and headed south. On one, On two, Ooops. So I ran around the block and the rest of the pack was gone. Damn. The sweep had marked the trail the way I went. And Dr Cockvorkian did a good job all day as a sweep. Please note sweeps. Again I went back and finally found that third arrow just through a gate and hidden by the gate itself. So I ran on and finally caught about eight hounds walking down an alley. A few blocks later and we were climbing up to a deck for another drink stop. Hot cider and hooch.

.....Back at the bar we got into a circle in the pool room. Lifa led the circle and the hares drank and drank and Snotcho Mama bought some fruit on trail and presented it to the pack. Good circle. Good singing. Others on trail were Its Too Soft, Skull N Boner and Drill In My Box who showed up late and had to run the whole course carrying a back pack that was twice her size. House Puppys included Hooch B4 Cooch, Bi Holer, Soul Taco and Just Tina.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 2/13/2014, by Horn-E

.....This was set by Taste The Rainbow out of Ravens. I'd like to tell you how this trail went, but I missed most of it. After the hash I asked Taste The Rainbow where the trail went in the park. He said he learned from me to make marks and then loop around in the snow so the pack couldn't just follow footprints in the snow. It worked. I couldn't follow his, or the packs footprints. But I did manage to find three marks that were heading in the wrong direction and didn't have a beginning or an ending. WTF.

.....So, what happened. We left to the south and a quick Split that left me in front for half a block heading west. But the trail just looped around and headed back towards the park. I could barely keep them in sight. At the park they headed south and I saw them in the distance working a Check. Just after I got there, there was a whistle to the north. We all ran off and eventually we saw Helen Keller Facial heading south again and back to the check. No one was saying anything, but in the distance I could see the leaders heading west into the city. I followed with a few from the back and we got stuck with a red light at Clark. We finally crossed the street and at the next street we got fucked. We had crossed the street and were on the south side of the street. The trail went on the north side of the street and had a turn mark heading south on the east side of the street. Snotcho Mama and Epi Penis headed south on the west side of the street, with no marks. About four Check Hangers including Drill In My Box just stood there and didn't Check. So I headed west and found nothing for over a block. I looked back and the Check Hangers were heading east and back towards the park. Huh. So I did a loop to the south and Armitage and then towards east towards the park. Somehow I missed a few marks heading into the park. Horn-E you old fart. You're not only slow, you're going blind. At the park I gave up, sort of, and headed back towards that last Check. Start from the beginning, damn it. And there were the marks, plain as can be. I followed them the way you were supposed to and had no trouble, even going over were I had already been and this time seeing the marks. Damn. These headed into the park at Armitage and a turn at a museum, heading south. Over some bushes and a mark on a tree, straight south. Great. But I couldn't find anything directly after that tree and not enough footprints to even follow the pack. Going right, on the path, nothing. Going left, I found a mark just off the path, next to a tree, but no footprints from that last marked tree to this tree. WTF. So I assumed the mark went south and I did. I came to a three way mark, pointing north. WTF. I went further and found another mark, going south. Or was this a trail heading north. I headed south and never saw another mark, in the snow cover grass lands or any of the paths. And I tried everything. I finally headed back on those three marks and again checked the snow and the paths and found nothing. Damn, WTF. Shit. So I decided the pack was now drinking beer, probably in Oz Park. (and that is where the BS was.) I walked back to the bar and the FRBs were already in and coming in. Damn.

.....After the pack got in, we held circle and it was led by Furry Spice and Four Score In The Back Door who didn't run. Damn House Puppys. Speaking of House Puppys, include Just Max, Reverse Muff Diver, Slippery Fingers and Sugar Nuts. The bar brought out a bottle of hooch and cups to pass around. Thanks to the most generous bar in town with the freebies. Urine Love was back in town visiting. Welcome, now go home. Others on trail, 26 hounds total, included Lifa, R-Tard-E, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Just Graham, Its Too Soft, Roofie Ragu, TampOn TampOff, Feather, O'Shitty Runch, Hooch B4 Cooch, Foamy Discharge, W Jew 40, Hoosier Daddy, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob, Mommy Strangelove, Just Preston and Just Steff.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 2/14/2014, by Horn-E

.....This was set by Horn-E from Gamblers. We had three hounds in Lifa, Just Do Me Slowly and Snotcho Mama. Don't know what they did on trail, but they did manage to stay together and had about an hour run into a section of streets going north and south, next to angled streets, guaranteed to confuse the pack so they wouldn't know what direction they were going. Everything went just as I planned in on a map except one little section where I found a good mound of ice and snow for the pack to climb over and squeeze between a pole and building at the top. Great. Meanwhile, Dickens Cider, who can't run, and I walked to her house where we had the beer stop. Dickens Cider and Horn-E walking alone on Valentine's Day. Don't believe it. She's not that old and he's not that young. He couldn't even catch her when she's injured.

.....Eventually the pack arrived and we stood in her kitchen and finally turned the beer stop into a circle. Three six packs of good beer, and Dickens Cider had her own bottle of wine. Word is that Or G wasn't going to run, but wanted to join us at the bar after the run. He sat alone, watching the Olympics until the men's figure skating came on. Valentine's day and he's watching men's figure skating was to much for him.

.....After we finally returned to the bar, we all headed home.

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash 2/15/2014, by Horn-E

.....All right, it is winter and we can RUN through the golf courses in the area. So Horn-E picked Cumberland and Irving Park where we could get into a Golf Course. Trail went through the usual tunnel with frozen water under Irving Park. Then I followed paths, at least what might be considered a path of worn down snow in foot paths and then into virgin territory. The paths were hard, The virgin territory was even harder. Back to a wide path and get to the Golf Course. On the way I saw two men and a boy of ten, heading into the woods, pulling a sled with a grill on it. Remember this. I entered the golf course through one of two large holes in the fence, about thirty feet apart. In and out, but pull it off so they wouldn't see the out. Worked fine. Headed into some deep woods with only deer tracks to follow. Finally came out into a fare way and laid a Check. There was a few deer trails in the snow and two paths down the middle of the fare way. Individual footprints. I tried to hide marks in footprints and back track in the footprints. Finally worked my way south to the end of a section of trees that defined the fare way. I'm already worn out trying to navigate this deep snow. Just after this is some rough with small hills around a green. Got to climb up to the top of the hill. Damn. Now that was tough. All virgin snow and there was a deep snow drift just over the hill were the wind really built up the snow. This got to be mid thigh deep. RUN? Forget it. Walk? Forget it. Crawl? Maybe. And Just Do Me Slowly was coming. I had to warn the pack that if she disappeared, reach down and pull her out. Actually, only Cliff Hanger did this part. It was like hanging off a cliff and then falling in over your head in deep snow. As I struggled into this snow pack, it was 12 inches at a time, if that. You'd pull out your right leg and try to move it forward and set it down into the next step. Then you'd shift your weight and go another 12 inches deep into a hole. Then repeat with the other foot. And try to keep your balance. Finally I got to the top and was thinking Everest. In the distance, where I wanted to go, was nothing but more virgin snow. I needed snowshoes for this trail. I was beat and time was running out. There was no way I could do that trail. So I laid a Check and headed around that section of trees. This would be easy. NOT. A foot deep, some times deeper and all virgin snow. I finally had to give up on the fare way and head into the woods. Snow was less deep in the trees. I finally came out and paralleled the fence heading towards that hole in the fence and back into the woods. Now I had to go west in the woods to avoid the trail I came in on. Fine. This was just on a wide path with worn down snow. Running time. And running out of time, I needed to stay on the path and just get back. And the path just went on and on and on. Finally I found a path going north and followed that, on and on and on. And eventually this led to the beer, deep in woods and buried under snow, and snow cold. The pack followed this with Chicken Stifer the first into the beer stop.

.....How did the pack fare? Fair. We started out with seven trail hounds and immediately lost Beer Stop Bob. I had given him a short cut and wanted him to follow me to the short cut. He assumed differently and spent over an hour walking all over the Forest Preserve, only to finally join us in the bar, "A Second Time Around" for the On On On. Meanwhile the pack headed south and I saw Cliff Hanger leading into virgin snow territory. I asked Chicken Stifer where Gas Stop Bob was and he said he was coming. So I waited. Finally I saw someone way back I called and finally retraced myself only to find a cross country skier. He will never make the Olympics. So now I can't follow the pack. Who else was there? Snotcho Mama who short cut Just Do Me Slowly around my deep snow in the golf course. And Lifa and Or Gwere also out there running hard. Well, I headed towards a wide path, hoping to catch the pack in the golf course and watch their demise. Along the way I saw that original group of men in camo, and stopped to chat. They had a nice fire going. They wanted to know if I wanted a hot dog and a beer. I ended up with a steak and a beer and we were shooting a pellet gun at beer cans hanging in trees. Meanwhile the pack is running through the golf course and woods. Hey, I did all right. I finally finished and thanked these guys and headed back to my beer stash.

.....And the pack was there. We held circle and got to know our newest Bushman, Cliff Hanger. After a few beers and several times around the circle, it was starting to get cold. Well, hell. Gas Stop Bob had our fire wood. So we left and went to the bar.

.....At the bar, a Polish bar, we had $10 pitchers of Okicim beer and hung out for about four pitchers and warmed up.

.....Finally it is time to go. Just Do Me Slowly invited us to a party at the home of Bloody Thighs. I went and Cliff Hanger showed up later. For those that don't know,Bloody Thighs recently had some back surgery and she is doing fine. Here's hoping she has a great and full recovery, And thanks for the beer and good grub brought by others. Many other hashers were there celebrating her recovery.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 2/16/2014, by Horn-E

.....Mount Schwiiinga set this trail from Rocks Lincoln Park and we had a pack of 16 hounds with fourteen there at the start. Again, I'd like to tell you about a trail but do to a hare mistake at the start, I missed most of the trail. The on in was a block from a Split.

.....We were divided into four teams and at certain Checks, we had to wait for our entire team to show up. My team, Snotcho Mama and Epi Penis got screwed from the start because I missed the trail.

.....So what happened. We headed north and I led the pack into the nearest alley. Towards the end of the alley was a cross alley and a Triple Split. Chicken Stiferwent left and found a mark heading south. Most followed and Horn-E went straight south in the same alley. As he came out of the alley, Chicken Stifer was at the corner to the east and yelled to Horn-E that it was a Check and I should head west. Well, at the next corner, a short corner I found a mark. I ran on and found three more and blew my horn. No one was coming. I crossed the street and again blew my horn and saw someone at that corner, coming my way. It wasn't a hasher. Meanwhile I ran on, straight west. After several blocks I came to a corner with a park on the far side. As I crossed the street, I saw an arrow pointing at me. Huh. This is the first I had a clue that something was wrong. I went a little past this and there was a B in the entrance to the park. WTF. I had been running the trail backwards. But there was a trail right from that mark Chicken Stifer was on. So I returned and found a Split, not a Check. And it wasn't swept. So, to follow the pack, I was now over a mile behind. I would never catch up to the pack or my team. And along comes Dick Harmonica. He had arrived late and tried to follow the pack a little and then quit. So I told him I knew where the Beer Stop was and we walked there. Then we followed the trail backwards on a No No trail until we found the pack. And that wasChicken Stifer who apparently had paralleled the course somewhere and missed the shot stop and was ahead. A block later came O'Shitty Runch and then Featherwho wouldn't believe us when we pointed out the course. As soon as they were out of sight, we ran back to the Beer Stop. And the hare was there and about five minutes later the pack came on in. From here it was a walk back over the same trail I now was doing for the fourth time.

.....Chicken Stifer led the circle and we soon called out our visitor, who wasn't drinking, or doesn't drink. We gave her a short beer, introduced Eva, Sang to her, she finished her beer and left. Hope she returns so we can get to know her better. And she can get to know us better. After circle we were standing around drinking beer when the lights went out. The taps were working, but no light. Hell, if the house had bought a beer, we might have stayed. But that was the end of it. Who were the other hounds on trail? Just Jenna, Foamy Discharge, Hoosier Daddy, Bi Holer, Just Do Me Slowly, Its Too Soft, Wet Up To Here and False Advertising.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 2 Feb 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was an A to B hash set by Little Trojan Annie and W Jew 40 from the Blue Line Tap. Something about a football game and so we had a game about caring a football and passing it off. Well, sort of worked. Anyhow we took off to the south for a Check at Wicker Park and I was handed the football by Wet Up To Here. WTF. I'm always last to the Splits and Checks where we were supposed to pass it off again. Whatever. Trail went east on the north side of the park and then south before heading north. I was following and saw a short cut, thanks to Lifa and I followed until Milwaukee where there was a Split. Everyone was already gone and I just followed. I finally saw SnatchSquatch trying to out guess the pack and head straight as the pack went south towards Milwaukee. I followed the pack and it was straight to a beer/shot stop in a playground. SnatchSquatch eventually made it in. When the booze ran out, we were directed to the south and the first mark, pointing across the street. I headed that way and I was On running behind a strip mall and with a fence on our left and a street there. Remember that. By the time we hit Ashland the FRBs were already past me. And there was a Check. I tried east and it was False. South and it was False. I finally figured that it had to be west on that street on the other side of the fence. And as I headed that way, there was a call to the east. And that turned out to be False, like we already determined. And some had already gone west on that street, but the pack didn't hear them call On. Now I headed that way and soon I found one, two and three marks. I blew my horn and LIfa was behind me relaying the call. Horn-E ran on across Milwaukee and heading south until Lifa passed him. No one else was in sight and Lifa suggested we old farts better slow down for the young kids. Really, it was him and not me. But we ran on and pretty soon the rest of the pack was gaining on Horn-E and as he came out of an alley at Damen, there was no one left behind except the visitor Childern Of The Corn Hole. We crossed Division and headed into alleys and streets behind the pack. Several Splits were marked, but not clearly and we lost more time before figuring out what they were doing. We walked and ran on until we saw the finish in the garbage dump for the hares Condo and a beer stop. Eventually the real DFLs arrived and we went upstairs for the On In. Circle was led by Taste The Rainbow and eventually we settled into good grub and a massacre as a swarm of seahawks ripped apart a bronco and ate the remains.

.....Other hounds on trail included Epi Penis, Feather, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob, Hermonica, False Advertising, Snotcho Mama, Hooch B4 Cooch, Drill In My Box, Rump Springa, Chippendale, Speckle Bird, Dickens Cider, Bi Holer, and Just Graham. Some house puppies included Salty Gash, Hidden Panda, Its Too Soft, R-Tard-E, Just Preston, Hoosier Daddy and Just Vickey.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 5 Feb 2014 by Horn-E

.....W Jew 40 was setting this out of The Tap Room for his birthday. Unfortunately snow reared its ugly head and this would be a short course. I can still fall behind. It was relatively simple as we headed west and through an alley and finally heading south on slippery, not fully shoveled sidewalks. I was following Lifa down the street when suddenly the leaders are coming right back at us on the side walk. I get up there and with my slow pace, I managed to block about five hounds until we hit an area where someone bothered to shovel the whole sidewalk and I could move aside for the pack. They ran ahead and we could see the FRBs heading east on another street. But this only went to an alley and back north. This allowed me to short cut but I was still in last place. So what else is new. They went into an alley just before Fullerton and I went straight to Fullerton. From there I could see them crossing Fullerton and it was a Check. Lifa was coming my way and so I followed to a Split, heading north. but we never found the third mark. O'Shitty Runch yelled that they were On to the west and we headed north a block and then west to intercept them. We were mostly running in the street as the walks were to slippery and not shoveled. We ran On to Fullerton where I paralleled the trail on the east side of the street. Lifa came to a Triple Split and I checked out the alley and found nothing. So I was now following the pack with only Epi Penis behind me and that didn't last long. Ahead I could see the pack crossing Logan Blvd and a Check. I crossed Logan early and Just Graham was coming my way and he was On. Good, and I followed as we now headed north. A block later the was a Split and the pack was now heading west to California. Hmmm. If I go straight, they will probably return on Diversey. Bingo. As I got to Diversey, Just Graham was passing that corner and about to be On after another Check. I followed and soon more hounds starting passing me. We hit three Splits in a row and no one took the bait and headed north. Finally at that third one, I had just headed south at the Split when Lifa called On, a block away. I now followed and was joined by Just Steff and we ran over to Western and south. At Logan we turned and there is a skate board park under the Expressway and there was the pack at a beer stop.

.....And this was some beer stop. As I got there I could see this 24 Oz bottle sitting on the ground with foam pouring out the top and freezing. WTF. I grabbed a can and opened it and foam started to bubble out I took a drink and the beer was coming out in chunks. WTF. After each sip I could see the beer flowing out the top and had to quickly sip again. All alcohol. The water part was frozen. Finally liquid quit comiog out the top. I tried to drink and nothing was comng out. Just frozen inside. So I threw away what was left and joined the parade back to the bar.

.....Back at the bar we had more bad news. The bars domestic beer taps were down. WTF. So they offered us cider as a replacement. Not here. Several of us ended up buying our own beer. Lifa found a good micro for $4.75 and we drank that. Meanwhile the pack is snarfing up on that cider. The circle was a bit chaotic and down downs were flowing. Roofie Ragu was called out for running in shorts and so was Four Score In The Back Door. Where did he come from. So who else was on trail. Snotcho Mama, One Fuck Chuck, Taste The Rainbow, Foamy Discharge, The Dark Kunt, Drill In My Box, and Hooch B4 Cooch. The house puppies were really out this night as we had Its Too soft, Just Max, Slippery Fingers, Just Dave and Soul Taco.

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash, 7 Feb 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was the anal Idiotarod Hash set by Happy Ass Grabber from the Happy House and with a fresh coating of snow falling that morning, Happy Ass Grabber had to set a live trail. We started out with a pack of fourteen and finished with a pack of fifteen. Huh. We headed north through various streets and alleys and I struggled to keep up. Finally arriving at a corner on a parallel course, Just Graham passed across in front of me and found a Check. He went left and couldn't find anything. Everyone else was to my right and straight ahead and finding nothing. So I headed left and went a little farther. I finally found a first mark and ran on to find the third mark. ON ON. A block later I led to a Split and went right. Right. And I ran on to a Back Check and beyond thinking it looked like an arrow. Lifa called me back and we looked around before someone found fresh footprints leading to a fence climb. I ran to my right and paralleled the pack as Just Graham was streaking along in an alley. This eventually led to another Check and then to the park in the distance. Naturally we had to go there, but which way. Naturally I went the wrong way and I'm behind again. At the park the pack was long gone and apparently on a Back Check as they were returning on their path a little. I was now with Snotcho Mama and we ran along this road as the pack was on a parallel course in deep snow. They finally came up to a monument where there was a six pack of rot gut malt liquor. While there. Lifa got a call. Hello, this is a hash, not a call center. But it was Lower Wackoff, lost on trail and that missing link, I mean hasher from the start. He followed as best he could and then just headed to the park. Good move. With a few hints from Lifa, he was able to join us just as we left the Beer Stop. We left the park on a road and ran along the outside until we headed right back into the park and under a bridge and more park land until we finally hit the streets again. I was walking along with Berts Special Friend along here until I had the sudden urge to write my autograph in the snow. He left me behind. I guess he had to many eletters to write. The trail headed into city streets and worked its way east. I kept following green as in the shirt of Foamy Discharge. Every time I started running again, she did too. Damn. I just followed. Finally crossing a busy street I saw her go left in an alley. So I tried to go around and maybe finally catch up. Wrong time. She was standing in this field with the pack as I almost missed the Beer Stop. I had to plow through fresh deep show to get there, Just as Lower Wackoff andIts Too Soft got there for the last beers. Damn, I didn't know they were behind me. But we are soon off again on city streets and down an alley, almost at the hares house when we turned away through an empty lot and into an alley. And there was a turn into the backyard of a house. Abandoned. And full of bushes and trees and at the very front of the yard was the beer. Kool stop.

.....From here it was a short walk back to the hare's house, warmth and cold, good beers and warm pop corn. Lifa got the circle going. And we went through everyone taking a turn leading the circle in Big Dog style before Horn-E ended it and we fell into Swing Low.

.....Now we settled into some good home made chicken soup. Remember those chickens we played with last summer. They weren't pets. After this we got into singing some long songs with Happy Ass Grabber playing the piano.

.....Who else was on trail? Son Of Spam, Drill In My Box. Hooch B4 Cooch, O'Shitty Runch, EZ On The Ass, Or G and coming out of retirement,Rusty Grundle.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 9 Feb 2014 by Horn-E

.....This was an A to B trail set by Just Tina, Bi Holer and Snotcho Mama out of Edgewater Lounge. Never go to Farraguts. There were to be many competitive drinking games along the way. Hey, maybe even some hashing. Seventeen trail hounds started out just around the corner into an alley for some grape vodka shots. Then we headed east to Clark for a Split that no one could find. So Horn-E went a little further east and finally found the mark and we were on for a long block and our first Check. We really stalled here. Never go to Farraguts. Three marks were found to the north, but nothing else. Oooops. Finally the pack wandered back and found marks to the south and a block south of Bryn Mawr and through some streets and alleys and another block south and we had a Check at Broadway. Helen Keller Facial went almost two blocks north and trail was found to the south. That had the pack going south and into an empty lot used for piling up snow. And a BN. Horn-E was dead last as the pack was playing some izzy dizzy and Hoosier Daddy was falling all over. And SnatchSquatch was falling all over trying to tackle him. Never go to Farraguts. While everyone had to bend over with their head on a bat that was touching the ground and spin 5 times. In the case of Drill In My Box, she is so short, it was more of a matter of just standing there and spinning around five times. Then Its Too Soft and Horn-E finished the game. The pack was soon on and south a block, over to Broadway, south one block and west a hundred feet to a playground for another stop for a simulated luge competition, drinking Malort at the end of a twisting course through the ice. As we left, we ran into Lifa coming from the wrong direction, but the pack was on to the end of the block. Never go to Farraguts. This was a long stretch of long straights and I fell way back along with Hoosier Daddy. We went south for 4 blocks, then way west to another stop, this time doing competitive chugging. I skipped that. And apparently so did Chunder Pussy and Hooch B4 Cooch. Hooch B4 Cooch noticed some marks on his way to the hash and just ran straight there with Chunder Pussy missing all of these stops. Never go to Farraguts. Anyhow, we are now heading north and back east and eventually to the final stop in a playground where hashers were trying to pitch pennies into cups and the pack had enough hooch in their bellies to be scattered all over the playground playing like Miss Quickfinger's class of five year olds. Finally we left for a short walk to, Farraguts. Never go to Farraguts. We eventually got the beer flowing and Feather acted like the RA. Not bad. Suddenly we were all to soon doing Swing Low. Never go to Farraguts. Apparently some prissy guys at the corner of the bar were offended by our singing and complained to the bar tender. So we were asked to stop and we did. No problem. Right? Not. Never go to Farraguts. Suddenly this old lady comes in, apparently the owner, and throws us all out, apparently for cooperating and stopping our offensive songs. Never go to Farraguts.

.....So, the nice people we are, most of us went a mile south to Carols where they appreciate our money and good time crowd. We continued circle and swore to never go to Farraguts. And it really looked like a nice dive bar. Who would have ever expected the swill that hangs out in that dive could be upset by anything that didn't include puking in their own beer. Never go to Farraguts.

.....Who else was on trail? The too loud, R-Tard-E, Epi Penis and Poultry Fucker, And don't forget the offensive Just Graham, Back Door County, Roofie Ragu, and the super quiet Hermonica.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Inaugural Whiskey Hash, or Whiskey Wanker Hash, or Whiskey, Wankers and Wenches Wednesday Hash, Wed Jan 29, 2014 by Horn-E.

.....Not sure whether it is W2H3, or W3H3, or W4H4. But Rhotan was our first hare for this Whiskey Hash out of Twisted Spoke on half price whiskey Wednesday. And we had a nice turnout, of wankers and one wench, Meat Insider, who loves these sausage hashes. We started out with a chalk talk fromRhotan. We already knew we are on trouble. Light blue flour. Arrrgh. Will they never learn. Anyhow it must have taken over ten minutes to get past that start with a Check. Somehow we ended up going west and north and slowly learning just how invisible these marks would turn out to be. Finally we are heading north towards Chicago Ave. Running in back, like that never happens, I got there and only saw The KGB and the hare walking east in front of this park field house to a Bad Whiskey Stop. I followed while the pack went west and then north around this park and a Check at the far end. While we waited and waited, Rhotan led the three of us in a name writing contest in the snow. Rhotan managed a Rhot;.... The KGB managed to get The Kg;.. Horn-E managed ;-'-,;'- Finally we saw the pack get to the end of the block and a Split. Naturally they all went the wrong way. Some ventured through the park and got closer to where we were. But horns and whistles meant nothing to that confused mob. Finally they spotted us and came on in. All but two. Guess. Yes, Lifa who ranges a lot and might have ranged around us and be long gone. Then there is Berts Special Friend with his reputation for going the wrong way. Finally we hear some hashers coming from, 'the wrong way'. And they brought the late coming Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob and two virgins, Just Stephan and Just Jake.

.....Finally we take off to the east and a Split that led us over this bridge to the east as we followed Hooch B4 Cooch and Lifa. This led north and a Check. Now we really struggled, again and again as somehow the trail found its way north on Milwaukee and then through some back streets and alleys and tunnels and missed and missing marks. We eventually made it to Elston and Division and another Check. After one returning hasher, we got a clue to retry going to the east over the bridge and soon we were on over the bridge. Here the pack had to climb a fence and down to river level. Now Horn-E knows better. There is no way trail can go along the river and has to come out on the next street. Besides his weak bladder was calling and there was no way he was climbing that fence. Well, sure enough, the pack comes out on that street and Horn-E finds a Check. Running south he finds, one, two, and the third mark in a snow drift. Glory Hole is right behind and we head on, to another Check. Several went straight including Horn-E who knew there was only one way out of that area in that direction, and Berts Special Friend. I should have know better. He is always in the wrong direction. And we were. But we ran on as Horn-E was still looking for a non windy corner for relief. And there was one, by a locked gate. Hate locks. Piss all over it and freeze the lock, leaving yellow icicles hanging from the key hole.

.....The pack went back to Halsted and then over to Division again. Now Rhotan was being a little guttsy here. Last time I remember hashing here, the police redirected the pack because there was a shooting ahead. Bad neighborhood housing project to their left. On their right was condos and town houses for the rich yuppie set. The police patrol this area 47.3 times an hour with left over armed Humvees from Afganistan with machine guns on top. Now in this cold, there weren't many gang bangers out, but the yuppies could be seen walking back and forth trying to get some more nose snow, and some were seen trying to sniff blue flour. At Chicago Ave there was a Check and some were stupid enough to keep going east and past those gang bangers at the drive by nose snow service station. But trail went back west over the bridge to a Check at Halsted.

.....Meanwhile, Horn-E and Berts Special Friend had long ago hit that intersection and that Check. Berts Special Friend went south. Knowing he is always wrong, Horn-E went west. Damn. He was On and I was behind again. Then another quick Check. Horn-E pulled another False before heading west past another mystery mark and on to MIlwaukee.This went straight north on Milwaukee until a true trail across the street and there was this tall lanky guy on the far corner looking like a rooster with his multicolored Mohawk hat. Soon Rhotan arrived. This was a beer stop in the narrowest bar in Chicago and it was packed. The path in the bar was narrower then a path through an unshoveled gangway. And Rhotan was buying shots here. Don't know what that costs for over 15 shots of whiskey. Horn-E doesn't do shots so he waited outside, directing the soon to arrive pack into the bar. After their shot, they went around behind the bar and waited in this wind tunnel in the damn cold and now we are talking wind chill factors here. The pack passed around a bottle of belly warmer and they were all indulging and indulging the melodic ramblings of Son Of Spam. Don't leave your day job. But he did attempt a W2H3 hash song. Keep working on it. Finally we were all assembled, except the missing Glory Hole. We all hurried back to the bar or shag wagon where we waited for the slowly strolling Son Of Spam.

.....Inside the bar we found the missing Glory Hole stuffing his face with nachos and chili. There was also two House Puppies. Well one House Puppy, Hidden Panda and a cute little Puppette, Drill In My Box. Speaking of little House Puppys, Roofie Ragu showed up later. Anyhow, the pack eventually went to tables in the back to stuff their faces with good grub and WHISKEY. Good start. I heard that Glory Hole volunteered to be the next hare. I'm guessing Feb 26, but we'llkeep you posted. Other hounds on trail included Snotcho Mama, Just Graham, Feather, EZ On The Ass and Crotch Fire,

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, Thu Jan 30, 2014 by Horn-E.

.....What happened to Chippendale? This hash was set by SnatchSquatch from O'Malley's West. Dark red marks. Good. Now we need just more of them. We took off to the south and a Three Way Check. South again for a block and our first Check. A bunch of hounds seemed to go west and never returned. Didn't call back to the pack either. And while the rest of us started to work the Check, the late arriving Chippendale ran up. We never saw him again. Finally some of us headed west including Just Steff, Foamy Discharge and Horn-E. Horn-E did blow the horn and waited until he saw someone coming. We came out of Oz Park to the north and down a side street. By now, Hooch B4 Cooch and Just Graham were also with us. We ran through a parking lot were the mark was ridden over by a car. But we found it and ran north through some alleys to Halsted and then south a block and west, and through De Paul. By now I could see the back of the pack heading west though the campus and I paralleled. They didn't come out where I was running. Circled back to Fullerton and east and there they were inIts Too Soft's condo front yard. Eventually SnatchSquatch led off from there with the walkers, Dickens Cider, One Fuck Chuck and Sugar Nuts, Eventually we followed, led by Just Steff, across Fullerton and under the tracks for a block and then west into more De Paul area and their little mall and a Check. By the time I got there, they were scattered everywhere to the north and west. Finally O'Shitty Runch went further north while the pack returned to the Check and someone headed south and they were soon On. Remember, 369 degrees. The bastard hare really got the pack here. Horn-E blew his horn for the disappearingO'Shitty Runch and we followed a block south to another Check. Damn hare was getting cutsey here. Another 369 degree On trail through an alley and the pack was everywhere but there. Again. Finally we are On and we headed south and west on Webster and another Check. Don't know where the pack went, but I headed south and found a mark in an alley, a Split and I headed way south. Eventually Foamy Discharge followed for a while before returning. Anyhow, at the next corner I saw Just Steff running east from Halsted, into Oz Park. I followed and was soon at the warm beer buried in snow, and about half the pack. Eventually almost all of us found it with Hooch B4 Cooch arriving just after we left.

.....Back at the bar, One Fuck Chuck led the circle and did almost as many down downs as the hare. Drill In My Box did her usual good job of keeping our glasses full and Sugar Nuts kept the pitchers full. Hoosier Daddy got a down down for hashing in shorts in the cold. Who else was on trail? R-Tard-E, Epi Penis and Its Too Soft who joined us at the beer stop at his condo. Roofie Ragu was the lone House Puppy, arriving during circle.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash, 18 Jan 2014 by Horn-E

This was set from the former Indian Road Woods, now known as Lechowicz woods by Horn-E. Just two days ago on the TH3 Hash, we had a slight bit of snow wipe out the trail. So, just asHorn-E hit the woods another snow started. He laid heavy red marks throughout the area and even found many marks from over two weeks ago when Lower Wackoff laid a trail through here in orange marks. Surely these heavy, wide, red marks would hold up for the fantastically laid trail through woods over streams and through a golf course. WOW, what a trail. But time was running out, so Horn-E returned to the start to get the pack off before returning to finish the trail of the year.

Yeah sure. He didn't learn a thing from Thu. night. He found just one tiny little strip of red left from a huge wide mark. Nothing else. A waste of time. Totally. But what else could he do. It was snowing. So Horn-E would have to lay a live trail. Yeah, that slow old man.

With a Taste of Tecate from Chicken Stifer, he was off and running in snow that was about 6 inches deep and crusty from previous freeze/melt cycles. Who else would show besides those already there. Just run like hell and try and get as much trail in as possible before they got to the fantastic finish. Thirty minutes and thirty eight seconds according to Lifa. The others includedHooch B4 Cooch, Or G, Lower Wackoff and Snotcho Mama. Trail went along the rivers edge and up a little hill. Somehow Lifa's GPS had him running a big loop along the river that Horn-Edidn't relay. How did he do that without marks? Whatever. Trail went up to the tracks and a Check on the other side. Sucked them in here before they finally headed north on the tracks. Horn-E had picked up his shaker box and was now laying wide red marks again. Trail finally went into the woods on the right and a Check. And I was told that they fell for that False Trail. Good. Two hounds emerged from the woods just as the rest got there. Now the trail went to the west/south and into deep woods. A big loop down by the river and then back up to the top before another big loop towards the river and Central. Crossing Central Horn-E spotted the following pack heading into that last loop. He laid a Check along the road hoping they would head into the woods again. It stalled them just enough to get the trail past 30 minutes. Trail actually headed over the river on the bridge on Central, to the right for a nice little loop and then under the bridge where a case of beers were waiting, hidden under huge ice floes along the now dry bank. Or G finally found the beer, we were out of the snow and the beers were just cold enough. Or G got a little fire going, but the wood under the bridge was frozen and really couldn't get started. We held circle with about 20 good down downs of beer from the well over 10 selections. After the circle we headed over to the usual Nil tavern for a few pitchers of Spaten.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 19 Jan 2014 by Horn-E

This was set by Roofie Ragu out of J Patricks. I'd like to tell you a fabulous story of this trail, but I got a late start, was tired from yesterday's hash and running slower then normal. and that is slow these days. Anyhow, I followed the distant pack until they disappeared. Along Randolph trail had gone west a for a block. As I went along here, I could see some runners crossing Randolph about three blocks ahead. I thought I saw Lifa. So I decided to shortcut and try to catch the pack. Big mistake. Why does this city allow other joggers to run during our hash times? Anyway, the pack now turned east and I was heading west. All the way to Union Park. Trying to out guess the hare can get dangerous. I returned back towards the bar and never found any more marks. I kept looking around the area for a B for a total time on/off trail of about 75 minutes. Meanwhile the pack went almost down town before returning to the area for a beer stop just south of the bar. My beer is still supposed to be out there.

Who else was there on this cold day running that trail? Hooch B4 Cooch, Snotcho Mama, SnatchSquatch, Epi Penis, Its Too Soft, Just Graham and O B Where's Art or something like that, from Oregon.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

11 Jan 2013, The Big Dog Hash, by Horn-E

About eight inches of wet, heavy snow from the recent rains and above freezing temps. And that was in the woods. The paths were more about six inches of wet slush. And it didn't get any better as the day worn on. That was what the hares, Ass Capades, Two Hairnets and Horn-E found as they took off. We each had containers of blood, I mean red flour. We also had back packs with 36 cans of beer. This was the Eight Beer Stop Hash in Catherine Chevalier Woods. Laying trail we spread out the duties of leading and laying marks and change the way the trail went. The other two hares sometimes followed in exact footprints and other times just wandered all over to confuse the pack. It mostly worked and the hounds mostly stayed together. All right, Lifa was off trail between Beer Stop one and four and SnatchSquatch skipped the second beer stop and, hell, I don't know who else missed what.

The pack took off over a very high mound of snow surrounding the parking lot and into the woods to the south. I was staying behind to run back sweep. After a stretch of woods, Two Hairnets set a Check right after a shallow stream. Horn-E took over to the west laying true marks in the stream. At a Split, he took off to the south to confuse the pack with wrong way footprints and Ass Capades laid trail further south and across a path into a big loop. I think I wasted my time and the pack was scattered all over in the woods. After that loop, I saw Berts Special Friend running east on this path and into the woods with a lot of low hanging branches. The pack was soon behind them. We finally came out to a big wide path and another Check. The hares planned a real long False down that path and right past a dead turkey. Really. No, not a wild turkey but a 22 pound butterball dressed and frozen and already for a good thaw and a fire. But no one brought the turkey back. Maybe the coyotes got it. And who got caught on this long False. The FRB, Berts Special Friend. And that is what it was there for. Meanwhile the pack headed over the barbed wire and into the woods to the south following an Ass Capades section of trail. This led to a loop in SnatchSquatch tall grasses and back into woods for a Check. Hounds were everywhere and I have no idea who was on, if anyone, and who was just running around looking for another hound that looked like he was on. At this Check, the hares had a nasty plan. Three separate trail into the grasses. Two would go about two thirds of the way trough the field before coming to a False. The other was On and to the first Beer Stop. The idea was, even if you came to a False, you could see the other hounds on true trail and run to them through virgin sections of tall grasses. And hashers were scattered everywhere. Meanwhile the lead hound on the true trail found B and Soul Taco found the beer. Well done.

We emerged from the tall grasses and into the woods, heading towards the road at the far southern end on the woods. This would lead to Beer Stop number two. But on the way, SnatchSquatch, who was wandering on trail, came to the On Out marks from Beer Stop two. With only one set of footprints, he know he had to be On and headed off towards Beer Stop three. Meanwhile at Beer Stop number two, Jizzy and Hooch B4 Cooch found the beer up in a tree and it was Hooch B4 Cooch who retrieved the beer.

At beer stop three, I found a bunch of hounds gathered and finally moving off. Berts Special Friend and Or G and Just Jeff were left behind, drinking beer that they had to retrieve from the middle of a thorny bush. Bastard hares.

From here we had some more trail running with a fork in the trail up ahead. Lifa had finally got back on trail and hit the fourth beer stop. But thinking he was so far behind, he ran on by. The hares have got to love that. Meanwhile the pack did arrive there at the rivers edge and EZ On The Ass actually found the beer in the hollow of a tree. Now it wouldn't be fair to mention that EZ On The Ass let the others drink and run on so he could spew. So don't read that last sentence.

Meanwhile the pack ran on along the rivers edge on the slushy path. If you think that was easy, you weren't there. The hares tried to be sneaky and dirty. Damn rat bastards. Well, at least Horn-E. We finally headed into the woods and Two Hairnets was laying the true trail and Ass Capades and Horn-E were wandering all around laying false footprints. And we had the beer for the next beer stop. There was a fallen tree against another tree and a broken branch a hundred and fifty seven feet up. Horn-E had to hold Ass Capades so he wouldn't fall off of a branch while he used a stick to get the beers as high as we could. Then we told Two Hairnets to lay his B about fifty feet away with no footprints directly to the beer. Then he went on laying trail off through the woods. When I got there, there was a large pack gathered around that tree and sharing beer and just enjoying a rest in the peaceful woods, surrounded by a white winter wonderland. Beautiful.

We now continued to the north while the pack followed the trail of Two Hairnets. This finally came out at a big cross section of paths at the rivers edge. Any thoughts of heading off to the west in the lower levels was spoiled by the high waters and the wetlands full of wet slush. We're crazy and nasty, but not stupid. So we held the sixth Beer Stop right there. The pack found the beer before we got there and they were near the slush of the lower levels were Horn-E hid the beer and a maze of branches and roots and fallen trees or whatever.

And the trail goes on north on the wide path before heading into the woods again. The hares got nasty again. Ass Capades was laying marks while we wandered everywhere crossing tails and trying to confuse the pack. Then we had him lay a turn mark towards us with no footprints. We took over laying marks. Then we did it again as Two Hairnets laid a turn and Horn-E took over. The pack was running in a bit of confusion but managed to finally emerge on the path again. About a hundred yards later the trail headed downhill towards a stream of pure slush. And there was a B with an arrow across the slush. We're crazy and nasty, but not stupid. Two Hairnets had gone to a bridge and crossed over to lay out the beer, in the form of a seven, and visible from the other side. Damn Hares. But the hounds already mostly had wet feet and found logs and such to cross over the slush filled stream.

From here the pack emerged at the end of the parking area and back into the woods. And eventually they would find the eighth Beer Stop. From there, the last peaceful stop in this winter wonderland, the trail came out of the woods and back to the cars.

Meanwhile the hares decided to just walk through the parking lot area and we ran into THE MAN. You know, the tree police. Cook County's finest. Where was EZ On The Ass when we needed him. He works at County Jail. Maybe he could have gotten us off the hook. Hah. Anyway, THE MAN was worried about the red marks in the snow. Looked like blood. Yeah, in the form of arrows and B and N and Circles with x in the middle. Can't imagine a bleeding man doing that. He thought we should use yellow. I tried to tell him about all of the yellow snow out there, but he didn't catch the point. And we needed a permit and we needed to call them every time we do this. All right, he just doesn't get it. But we finally walked on. As he drove past us on the way out, he told me that we needed a permit for groups of over 25 and to just send in $75. Like we know when we will have over 25. Should I call them about next weeks Bushman Hash. We might get 6 or 7 hounds.

But he was gone and we headed back into the woods, out of the wind and held our circle. Three hares and sixteen hounds, three of them virgins. The hares got there share and we all got at least one. Then we headed over to a bar called Northwoods in a strip mall on Cumberland. $10 pitchers, but close to the woods. Only about ten of us made it there and we drank up the hash cash. Good time. See you all again next year. The virgins were Just April, Just Matt and Just Arlan. Come on back. They aren't all that wet and cold and hard. We also had Just Preston, Son Of Spam, Its Too Soft and EpiPenis.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 12 Jan 2014 by Horn-E

Little Trojan Annie set this trail out of Independence Tap. It was her birthday and she was all decked out in pink tutu and multicolored tights, etc. We won't lose her on trail. We finally took off heading north like every hash out of there. Almost. At the corner the trail went east and north through an alley and finally up to Montrose where we had a Check that really stumped the pack for a long time. I saw Lifa head north and then east after a block He didn't return. Hmmm. Meanwhile I finally headed east on Montrose and then north for a long block. Still no marks. Headed back west and at the alley there was a mark and Hooch B4 Cooch running at me. True trail and we headed north in the alley slipping and slidding everywhere. At the next corner there was a Triple split. Still in front, I chose east and I was on. This led to a school yard and a turn I missed and a Check. But at the corner was a Split and I kept going east. False. Damn. But no one was on. I found out later that Lifa was indeed ahead, and saw me heading towards the False, but he was far away and checking another route out. Anyway, I crossed the street and there was another False. So I lingered waiting to see where the pack would go. I turned away from the pack and headed towards the next corner, past the Falses. When I looked back, the pack was gone. Damn. Did they go north or south? I crossed the street to the north and there was a SS mark pointing into a park. Duh. That was why there were Falses on both sides of the street. Meanwhile the pack ran on north to Lawrence. From there the trail went three blocks east, two blocks south and back west two blocks to here I was waiting with the hare and SnatchSquatch who didn't run and was helping the hare on the beer stops, Finally TampOn TampOff came into the field. Then came Foamy Discharge. Finally the whole pack. It was funny watching them cross the park. Some went through the middle trying to dodge around the slush filled areas and others looping around the slush in deeper snow. After this we headed south and west and this time I fell behind to my usual position. Finally joining up with EpiPenis, Mount Schwiinga and W Jew 40 as I led them into the beer stop. From here the pack didn't seen to be finding the trail so I ranged west a block and then north. Not a mark and now totally seperated from the pack. Somehow Lifa and Hooch B4 Cooch found the second beer stop. Meanwhile I walked my lame ass back to the bar. Here was Pussy In Boots and New York Cock Exchange who quit earlier then me. Hidden Panda was also there although he didn't run. As far as that goes, we also had Drill In My Box not running the hash and Snotcho Mama stopped by after haring the Second City Hash. Eventually the rest of the pack came in. SnatchSquatch led the circle, and we gave many a down down to the hare for haring and her birthday. To many 'When one GM drinks all GMs drink.' Finally I got called out for a special gift from Little Trojan Annie. It was a horn, similar to the horns I use. It had a name on the plastic wrapping that said horn-e. What? While a bunch of hashers and her, were in Michigan, they got bored one day and they wandered into an adult toy store. And there it was. Now I don't know whether it was a nice gift, a good joke or an insult. It is a hand held self gratification device. Soft foam in side with a hole in the middle and a hidden compartment with some lube. But thanks. Really a good laugh on me. Now excuse me while I take a long low break. So. who else was there and on trail? The Dark Kunt, Rump Springa, Mommy Strangelove, Its Too Soft, Just Graham and Foamy Discharge's brother Andrew and his girlfriend Morgan. And the beer flowed on.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 23 Jan 2014 by Horn-E

This trail was set by Hooch B4 Cooch and Slippery Fingers from Four Treys. It was a nice trail also. To bad the marks sucked. It just goes to show that Slippery Fingers is getting rusty not hashing because of his injuries. He forgot how it is looking for marks. Here's the deal. He used light pink flour. This could have been workable, but they were placed on slushy side walks and some snow banks where they were virtually invisible in the dark. There was a lot of fresh virgin snow on the sides of the side walks where the pink would have been more visible. It started with the first block were Taste The Rainbow turned right and went almost two blocks without a mark, because he didn't notice in the slush that it was a Split. Without Hooch B4 Cooch sweeping, we'd still be out there. And we had a real small pack looking for marks. Where was everyone? It was a nice night. Anyhow, the trail worked its way south and east as we took turns spotting marks and managed to stay together for the most part. And who was this mighty pack? Epi Penis, Taste The Rainbow, Horn-E, Foamy Discharge and Famming Flaggot. As we worked our way south of Belmont, we got a little confused with a Back Check in a strip Mall. But again, the sweep led us around the mall and south on Ashland. From here we headed west and around the mall where we had a Check. We lost Taste The Rainbow here and the rest of us headed into a section of town homes where Epi Penis found Slippery Fingers and Fire In The Hole manning a shot stop. From here it was west on Diversey to Damen where we found the missing Taste The Rainbow working a Check. This went around the abandoned Public Housing and then north were we slowly got spread out. Hooch B4 Cooch gave Horn-E a hint to go east on Belmont and he ran/walked to the little park at Belmont and Damen where he beat Foamy Discharge over the head, pushed her into the street on the slippery ice and managed to get through the gate first as FRB to the beer stop. And here was everyone except Taste The Rainbow. Back at the bar we met several house puppies including Sugar Nuts, W Jew 40 and a future hound, Just Joanne. We finally finished off the beer money and headed out into the cold. I got as far as the corner bus stop when a cab came out of the gas station on the corner. He insisted I get in because it was so damn cold. He was done for the night and heading home. He gave me a ride right to my door, which was right on his way. Well, the ride was free, but I did give him a real nice tip. Thanks Mr. T. Cabby.

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash & Second City Hash, Jan, 26, 2014 by Horn-E

This was a snow hash out of the home of Stab 'em and Slab 'em and it lived up to its reputation with another good covering of snow. Lifa and Stab 'em & Slab 'em laid the first part of the trail as hares for CH3 and Little Trojan Annie and W Jew 40 laid the second part as hares for Second City Hash. Or was it the other way around. But it was short and in a lot of ankle deep thick snow. We had 16 hounds on trial. It started with a Split and trail was found to the south right away. Not. Horn-E came by way of the bus on 63rd St. and saw a few marks going into this field by a school. So he headed north with Snotcho Mama and Rhotan. At 65th, Rhotan headed east, but Horn-E led Snotcho Mama into the field and we found a Check. Snotcho Mama headed north and found nothing. Horn-E headed east and picked up trail heading north on the next street. after a block there was a Triple Split and Horn-E headed north. The pack was gaining and TampOn TampOff headed east and was on. A virgin Just Michael was also running north on the other sidewalk, but we had nothing. So I headed east in the alley and at the next corner, I was back on trail. But there was a Back Check. So I headed east again in the alley and found nothing. I headed north to 63rd and here was Rhotan and Just Michael coming my way. But the pack was on to the north. We paralleled as they crossed 63rd and at the alley they headed back towards the pack. I went on north and at the next corner, there was Just Michael again coming my way. I looked around and there were marks going east and I led until Just Michael passed me. At a corner we had a Split and Just Michael headed north. I headed east and as I turned around the next corner TampOn TampOff was right behind me and there was W Jew 40 waiting with a shot stop. Hooch B4 Cooch was coming up from the south and soon the whole pack was there, except Just Michael. WTF.

After the shot we headed north to a Split and Snotcho Mama took the lead with Horn-E right behind. We headed into the Midway Plaisance. There was a Check at this statue in the middle and Snotcho Mama led to there. And a lot of younger, faster hounds passed Horn-E as they blazed trails through the deep snow. TampOn TampOff went NE following marks on trees, but he couldn't find that damn third mark as he entered the tunnel. Horn-E followed and found that damn mark, crossed the street and entered the tunnel. TampOn TampOff soon passed him and led to a Check at the park. While we both checked south, trail was found to the north and a good False behind the hare's old condo. I thought it might be there. But we were back Checking again. I returned to the mark I saw and looked for some smart hare ranging that didn't follow footprints. Wrong. The ON call came from the east and I now new where we we going, The Japanese Garden. Snotcho Mama and Horn-E headed that way through deep snow while the rest of the pack looped around on the road and we were DFL into the beer. All right, I was DFL. Or so we thought. But Just Michael was still MIA. WTF. Apparently he ran on to the north, out of Hyde Park and north to the Loop where he circled the Loop, checked out Navy Pier and finally headed back south along the lake front. As he got to the museum, he circled it and crossed a bridge were he spotted the pack and came in DFL. Or maybe it was something different. I know when we finished he went back out to put in a few more miles. He likes to run.

After this beer stop the trail went south on the island, crossed the bridge, and then did a loop in the park before we had another beer stop, just before leaving the park. Again I was almost DFL. And there was Dickens Cider, first to a beer stop. Well, she helped carry the beer there. Damn injuries. From here it was a long walk back to the house.

Inside we held circle in the basement where SpeckleBird led the circle. Was it good. Lets just say he used to be good and he showed some flashes of the past. Many where were called out, especially the hares. But just another shitty circle. We met our virgins, Just Michael and Just Lindsey. We then went upstairs for Italian Beef sandwiches, soup and many other tastes. I finally left when Snotcho Mama offered a ride. I'm not stupid, Take the ride when you get it. Other hounds on trail, Berts Special Friend, Chippendale, Epi Penis, Just Graham, Feather, Its Too Soft, Mommy Strangelove, False Advertising and Roofie Ragu. Mudsucker was the only House Puppy and Squeeze These took her kids sledding with Just LIndsey.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 9 Jan 2014 by Horn-E

What happened? Hell I don't know. I can only tell what I do know. One Fuck Chuck and Chippendale were going to hare from the Tap Room for Little Trojan Annie's birthday and get her good and fuckedup. I hope they succeeded.

I checked the cta web site for bus times and schedules to get there. I had two options going straight south on Western. I went for the earlier one and the backup would get me there just in time. I left home early and got to the bar forty-five minutes later then scheduled and 25 minutes after hash time. WTF. Traffic, late and missing buses. Hoosier Daddy was on the same Western bus. He said that the Facebook site mentioned an A prime finish. What is A prime? I know A to B. Anyway, we are both slow runners and would never catch the pack that late in the game and especially in the snow and slush and dark. So we went for the idea that it was A to B and finishing at W Jew 40's place. We could go there and find the beer stop and then work the trail backwards. Well, we scoured the area and never saw a single mark. We went to his door twice and no one was there. Finally we headed back to the bar near 9PM. Since the pack apparently wasn't coming to W Jew 40's house, we could go there and wait for their return. Furgetaboutit. We got there at 9PM and saw one tiny mark just south of the bar. Its Too Soft arrived at the same time, not to run, but enjoy the ON ON in the bar. Horn-E checked the area around the bar for a beer stop. Like that park a block east of the bar where we have had so many beer stops. Nothing. In the bar, we found out that the pitcher price was $6. Worth the pack returning for that price. We all ordered a Sierra Nevada pint at only $2. The bar tender said she was told that the pack was returning to the bar. We finally left at 10PM. WTF. What happened? If it was an A to B, it should be announced as such and the general rule is to leave an address as to the finish for anyone who might have arrived late. Not tell the bar tender you will be back. Little Trojan Annie, I hope you had a blast on your birthday. Don't know how much time Its Too Soft wasted in coming there. As for myself and Hoosier Daddy, it was about five and a half hours each, round trip, wasted.

So, what is the point. Shit happens. If plans change, or are different from the norm, make an effort to make the hash work for everyone and not just those in your immediate presence. If the pack actually came back there for circle, after 10pm, what happened? Two and a half hours. Hope nothing bad happened to anyone to cause such a long hash time to get back to the bar. Looking forward to the next several hashes to hear what happened.

On On

Horn-E

xThe Tale of the Trail is back, but shortened stories for a while.

Jan 2, 2014, The Thirstday Hash by Horn-E We ran out of Wrigley Ville North and our hares were Just Lauren and Rump Springa. It was a nice turnout for the snowy weather leading into a weekend of hell and snow and realllllly cold temperatures. We took off to the west and ended up with a big loop around the cemetery north of Irving Park and all the way to Montrose. That left me hopelessly behind with two long straights. The trail then went a block or so north of Montrose as it headed east and then south under the Red Line tracks. Now I'm completely hopelessly behind and at that point I had only seen three marks. WTF. But I occasionally could see someone in the distance. Lost the trail as it went south of Montrose. But as cold as it was supposed to be, I was comfortable and kept ranging looking for marks. Finally picked up trail as it went east of Sheridan. This turned out to be just a loop around the block and then on south to Irving Park. I'm now two blocks from the bar and already missed one of the drink stops. Trail went east on Irving Park to a WN mark into a big lot. That is Wine Near. But again, the pack was long gone and I checked a little of the perimeter of that lot and figured, hey, I'm now only three blocks from the bar. So I ran on in and found the pack waiting in the bar. Shit happens. After a circle led by Happy Ass Grabber, and all to many views of Happy Ass Grabbers ass and One Fuck Chuck's moose knuckles in tights. We finally got around to naming Just Lauren. Little Trojan Annie took over and we had a great Q and A session with Just Lauren. Then she headed into a corner and many great names were submitted. And that damn old man proved to be a dirty old man as he submitted three names that got onto the list including some not fit to be mentioned. The elimination process took over and she was finally called out. She was on her knees and actually crying at the thought of being named. And forever more she will be known as Sugar Nuts. Congrats. Then Chippendale opened up six pizzas and we settled into a long night of eating and drinking.
The Tale of the Trail Jan 3, 2014, The First Crack of the Moon Hash by Horn-E We ran out of Gladstone again for Lower Wackoff's anal weekend winter classic. True to it's historical record, the weather was shit. Snow came down during the whole time he laid trail and the whole time we ran. The first mark was buried and even the hare couldn't find it. We actually did manage to see a few hints of marks at certain corners as they appeared as a slight pink glow under the snow. But Or G and Horn-E pushed on until we finally talked the hare into going live. He did and we managed to follow trail from that point on. Well, we struggled, but did follow the trail. We really struggled at Central and Elston and when we finally entered the woods. I was tromping in knee deep snow looking for marks. The hare finally pointed out an orange mark on a tree. From there on we sort of followed the marks on trees, even though they were often only the size of a handprint. That is a new born babies handprint. We worked our way to the river and ran and stomped through the deep snow until Or G froze. No, not from the cold, but the sound of an owl hooting. So there you have three old men standing in the woods hooting at an owl while all the young kids in the area were off at Hooters, hooting at hooters, looking for some fresh meat. From here we finally came to a clearing. I don't know if the younger hashers saw any hooters, but we finally saw our hooter flying just over the tree tops and following the river looking for meat. Here we headed over to a shelter and found the beer. Good beers. We stood in this wonderland of snow covered ground and trees while we enjoyed our beer. After the beer stop we walked back to the bar were we found a corner to ourselves. The bar was packed with a bunch of revelers celebrating a birthday with their own disk jockey and loud music. I really don't think they heard our singing at circle with all of that noise.
The Tale of the Trail 5 Jan, 2014, The Chicago Hash, by Horn-E We had tree hares trying to replicate their first trail of a year ago. Now named, it was Berts Special Friend, Son Of Spam and Crotch Fire out of the Drum and Monkey. Two hares were out laying a live trail while Son Of Spam got us started. We ran all of three blocks before he had a shot stop in a park. After this stop, Feather took off across this park to a Check. And again he headed into a field where he found trail coming out on Taylor. Crossing Taylor the trail went east and south as Snotcho Mama and Horn-E fell behind and occasionally out of sight. The front of the pack solved trails and Splits and Checks as we barely kept them in sight. We finally went under a railroad tunnel. From here the trail climbed up to a railroad spur. At the top we headed along the tracks in deep snow. The trail was wearing out Snotcho Mama who finally had to sit and catch his breath. Fortunately there was a lounge chair in the snow and after a quick dusting he had his break. Now the pack is out of site. But local knowledge came out to rescue this lame pair of hounds. At the next street the trail went east. But the hares had done this before. Their apartment is south and west of here. Hmmm. Lets go south and see if we can pick up trail. After a block we saw Lifa, Feather and finally the rest of the pack emerging from a field to where we were. We then ran on to the hares house where we found the hares and an extended indoor beer/mystery drink stop. When we left we found trail to the west. Finally at Racine, trail headed north. I was in back already and could see the pack ahead. False Advertising was waving left, then right, then left and finally the pack was gone. From there I couldn't find another mark. But I was on Racine and the bar was just west of Racine. So I headed into the strong cold headwind and back to the bar. Meanwhile the pack ran off to the west where they had a river crossing in the cold. But TampOn TampOff used his river crossing expertise to lead them across without getting wet. They finally came to a 17 story water tower and Mommy Strangelove was posing about 47 steps up. Then she led to to the top where Meat Insider was waiting with 3 30 packs of Ice House beer and a case of Malort. After a few hours of drinking and warming their insides, they returned to the bar just after horn-E arrived looking like Roalf Amundsen after crossing Antartica solo in a bikini. Our House Puppies inncluded Its Too soft and Sugar Nuts, sitting there warm as toast in front of the roaring fireplace. Our visitor Mr. Hanky was blubbering into his hanky while reminising about the tropics back home in Corpus Christie. And EpiPenis came in holding two bodies over his shoulders, wearing fourteen layers of clothing and shivering like a pair of six foot vibrators. After undressing, well a few layers of clothes, we found Hooch B4 Cooch and Rhotan. We soon got into a circle and the beer was flowing. Lifa led things and soon it was over and we could get into the great food and more beer. Then we had to head back into the cold to the nearest pubic transportation.
On On Horn-

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, Oct 3, 2013 by Horn-E

.....We ran an A to B trail from Half Acres tap room with Furry Spice and O'Shitty Runch as hares. I'd like to say this was a good trail but I'm not that good of a liar. Maybe it worked from the stand point of the pack. But I followed trail with One Fuck Chuck. He was a bit under the weather and we know Horn-E can't run for shit these days. So they walked and jogged the whole trail. Actually most decision points were marked and we kept the pack in sight for about 3/4ths of a mile. From there on we just followed along. We got stuck a bit at Lincoln and Irving Park. The Check was marked, pointing across the street and south. But there were no marks on that side of the street. Ooops. We looked around a bit and finally found an arrow by the hare pointing south on the west side of the street. But the real trail went south on the east side of the street, only going to the west side of the street after over a block.

.....Just a note to sweeps. If you mark things in the ultimate direction, bypassing a bit of trail, make more marks in the new, slightly changed direction or you just confuse and possibly loose those that are following from way behind.

.....Anyhow, we plunged on to two blocks west of Western and then turning back as trail wound its way back to Welles Park where we found the pack at a beer stop in the Gazebo. Beer, at last.

.....Then we went to the On On at O'Lannagans. So far, so good. Then they started to pout beer from both taps. Unfortunately, the beer out of the Coors tap was skunked. Really bad, even for Coors. I mentioned it to Little Trojan Annie and a short time later I saw Drill In My Box with several pitchers lines up on the bar and tasting them and rejection several. The owner also tasted them and finally they were officially rejected and dumped and we got to the good beer. Well, Budweiser, but at least not skunked.

.....Meanwhile The Dark Kunt was leading circle with a electronic Megaphone. Please don't. Just shout. But otherwise, a good circle. And we all were now on good beer and the party went On and On and ON.

.....Some trail hounds in attendance included Ass Capades, Roofie Ragu, Lifa, Four Score In The Back Door, Frequent Flyer, Urine Love, Taste The Rainbow, TampOn TampOff, Glory Hole, Ass You Wish, Just Sean, Just Mark, Just Ted, Just Steph, and visitor Pretty Pittsburgh from Philadelphia. Some House Puppies included the visitor Virgin Bloody Mary from Memphis, Its Too Soft and the injured W Jew 40 with stress fractures in both legs. Hey, good luck on your recovery and hopefully it will be soon.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, Oct 6, 2013 by Horn-E

.....Laid from the home of Its Too Soft, with Lifa haring. We had about 24 hounds at the start, but a bunch of them were walkers heading straight to the beer stop. Meanwhile the rest of us started off to the east and then south working our way towards a big Check at Wrightwood, Sheffield and Lincoln. No one was getting anywhere until we got an On call into and through the park. Damn False on the end caught Chicken Stifer, Horn-E and a few others. Some of us wandered west and then north. Finally we had an On call a block north on Lincoln. Poultry Fucker and Horn-E were following as the trail went east and north towards Diversey. Horn-E managed to blow the horn and got EpiPenis following. Running down Diversey I saw Poultry Fucker crossing the street to the north at Racine. When I got there, now with EpiPenis, we interrupted a sweep arrow as going north on Racine. So we did. After a block we found no marks. Crossing Racine, we found an arrow (actually a second arrow after a Split) heading north. One more block. Nothing. Making a calculation we headed over to Lincoln. Big mistake. If we went east, we would have picked up trail at the alley, about a hundred feet away. Damn. Meanwhile at Lincoln there were no marks. Heading back towards the Check, Horn-E was determined to check out trail going through the gas station. That is when we saw that Split, with the other arrow pointing to the alley behind the gas station. Damn. Horn-E checked it out and was soon On and blowing the horn. Followed by Mudsucker, Chicken Stifer and Mommy Strangelove, EpiPenis soon passed Horn-E and then the rest of this mini pack passed him. Chicken Stifer took the lead and got caught by a quick one block long loop back. Horn-E yelled out to Mudsucker and saved him that loop and we soon headed east. And soon they left me and Mommy Strangelove behind. Horn-E led her into some alleys and eventually to Wellington by the hospital. That's when Mommy Strangelove yelled out to Horn-E, I'm quitting this shitty trail. I hate it. I'm going back to the warmth of Its Too Soft's living room and drink beer. So there." And so I ran off alone. About a block later I saw Mudsucker disappearing to the north, the last hasher I saw. I ran/walked on. Halsted, Briar, Broadway, Belmont, Sheridan and finally heading south and back. Yeah, sure. A few blocks later trail went into an alley. I ran to the end and no marks. Searched around, no marks. finally returning in the alley I confirmed the marks were there. At the entrance to the alley I finally found a mark heading south. It was all a back Check. Not bad if you see the Back Check, but I didn't. Damn. So I followed trail to Diversey and an unmarked Check. Trail went west and then south and finally a BN. BN means beer near. But it never is. At the next Split, I picked wrong, again. This left me in the position of going back, and following trail to the B, probably in the park or at Its Too Soft's old condominium. Either was looking to far and they might not even be there when I got there. So I called it and went back to the warmth of Its Too Soft's apartment. Not. Locked. Damn. On the roof were seven freezing hashers sitting in the wind, drinking beer. And there was Mommy Strangelove, shivering. Fortunately within five minutes, the hares returned and we could go inside. And there was Drill In My Box, on the couch, under a blanket and sleeping, alone. Shortly after the pack started arriving. Back to the roof where Chunder Pussy ran a circle and we froze in the wind. The worst case of frost bite came from Meet Insider, shivering in short shorts. Hey, your legs look great, but you need to bring some warm clothes for after. Your name id Meat Insider, not Heat Insider. But I ramble on. After circle, EpiPenis did the grilling, hot dogs and burgers. Back Door County did a lot of cooking inside in the kitchen. Food was good, beer was good and finally, those that managed to stay all moved inside.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, Sept 30, 2013 by Horn-E

.....SnatchSquatch and Chicken Stifer laid trail out of a bowling alley, Lincoln Lanes. Cool too. They had an upper deck where we could circle and not bother the bowlers below. And after circle, many hashers did some bowling. Anyhow, lets get back to hashing. We had about 25 hounds for this trail at the start. Trail basically headed west starting with the usual alley. Running almost dead last, I was about to be passed by Son Of Spam when he suddenly stopped for some impromptu dumpster diving. What was that all about? At Rockwell there was a Check and just as I got there, trail was found to the south. At an alley just before Lawrence we headed east and found ourselves a hundred feet south of the start. Trail went through an alley and everyone regrouped at Lawrence waiting for traffic. Finally we barged right through the traffic and into an alley and then west under the El tracks. At the next block trail went south and then around a school and into a small nature garden section. Another Check here had the pack confused. Caught Red Headed and myself just caught up as trail was found through the garden and south in an alley. At the end of the alley, trail went west on Montrose and some hashers got sucked into crossing the river. Don't know what that was about, but I saw some hashers including Jizz Limit and Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob heading west in the alley just south of Montrose. This leads to a nature path along the river and it was very dark. Trail was just not evident at all, but at each block we could see some chalk arrows at the roadway. We finally headed east in an alley, and after a few blocks we were at Western. By now I think I am dead last and just following trail. Go left, go right, go left, go right and so in went. I headed north in an alley and turned to the east and suddenly no marks. A block later I still didn't see any marks so I headed north to Welles Park and as I cross the street, there is the pack just heading across a ball field. They were heading towards the far northeast corner and a Check. I could see hashers heading south on Lincoln. Gotcha. Trail went east and I was passed by Taste The Rainbow and Berts Special Friend who were out ranging. And the rest of the pack is disappearing again as I barely saw SnatchSquatch in the distance, marking Splits and such. More left right left right and finally we cross under the El tracks and a whole pack of hashers catches me. Where did they come from? Reverse Muff Diver was leading them and included Son Of Spam and The Dark Kunt and a few others. We finally get to Lawrence, just east of Damen and a left, left. Change of direction. This led to an alley paralleling Damen and north to Ainslie. Destination, The Chicken Coop for a beer stop. And so it was, straight ahead for 6 short blocks. And just before I got there, R-Tard-E came racing past me so he wouldn't get DFL.

.....Behind the building the pack gathered. Beer was being consumed. All right, a heads up here. After years and years of Chicken Stifer beer stops of crappy Lite beer, he has been regularly coming out with a great supply of different craft beers at has beer stops. Well done. After the Beer stop we headed back to the bowling alley.

.....Just a side note. Back in 1988, the Chicago Hash came up with hash shirts that were bowling shirts. Pink. Yech. And expensive too. I managed to get three good shirts in Malaysia for mine in a good swap.

.....Taste The Rainbow called the circle together and the beer was flowing. They had some idea of Retro night for this and oldest shirts were called forward. Definitely won with a shirt I got in Malaysia in 1988. After circle several hashers got into bowling and I took an early ride home. Other hashers I saw in trail were EpiPenis, Glory Hole, Back Door County, Drill In My Box, Poultry Fucker, Lifa, Ass Capades, O'Shitty Runch, Just Colin, Hoosier Daddy, Just Buddy, Just Brian, and Just Kate. Its Too Soft and Bloody Brown Castle were both House Puppies.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 26 Sep, 2013 by Horn-E

.....We started out of Jefferson Inn at the Jefferson Park Blue LIne stop and Rump Springa was our hare. All right, he got his training in Waukesha. What could we expect. But fifteen brave hounds set out on trail anyway. The trail headed straight Northwest for a block and a Check. This had us going west for two short blocks to a Triple Split. By the time I got there, someone was already coming back from Northwest on Higgins. You guessed it, the trail went Northwest on Higgins. I believe Lifa was already long gone before the rest of the pack headed off on Higgins. It went a long way before Horn-E finally found a third mark for the rest of us. And on and on we went. There was a T and E Split and the Eagle apparently only went to the first alley and paralleled the Turkey trail in the alley for three blocks and back on the main trail again. And On and on we went on Higgins to Austin. Seven blocks later. This was a killer Check. No one apparently saw the first hidden arrow on Austin. I know, I tried and missed it. But after much checking, the trail was finally found, straight north on Austin, about four blocks to a foot bridge over the Kennedy Expy. After this, trail kept going north to Bryn Mawr and another Check. Again the pack couldn't find marks, but the pack eventually headed east on Bryn Mawr. Whistles, calls of On On would really help. The last of us finally followed including Foamy Discharge, Roofie Ragu and myself. And another long straight of about four blocks to Milwaukee and a Check. This one was easy and trail went one block south on Milwaukee and then to the right to the first street where we found the hare with a beer stop by a park. Home brew too. About here, SnatchSquatch decided to go straight and missed the beer stop. He found marks a block later, and ran on. We never saw him again until the finish. But he was On trail. After the beer stop, trail came back to Milwaukee and headed south to a Check at Foster. This led straight south for another two blocks and then to the left. We somehow lost Lifa here. Following some city streets to the east, we came to another neighborhood park and another beer stop. After here, there was trail south to Ainslie and then over the Expy, and back north to the bar. Or you could follow Horn-E on the shortcut straight east and through the tunnel under the Metra tracks and back to the bar. No one did. Local knowledge. Anyhow, Horn-E did manage to find Lifa running in circles looking for trail and directed him to the beer stop.

.....Back at the bar, we ended up in the smoking room, a very narrow blocked in walkway where we could all squeeze in. And someone was cooking and offering some half sandwiches and finally some good, hot drum sticks, right off of the grill. Little Trojan Annie ran circle. Drill In My Box played beer wench. Other hounds on trail included, String Theory, Urine Love, Frequent Flyer, False Advertising, O'Shitty Runch, Chicken Stifer, W Jew 40, and our visitor, Three Men And A Horse. We did have two House Puppies, Its Too Soft and Ice Princess.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 23 Sep 2013 by Horn-E

.....Hoosier Daddy was setting trail out of The Lincoln Tap Room. And he had a drink deal, any tap, free. And there were a lot of good beers to pick from. 9pm to 11pm. Wow. Should have been a great turnout. I walked in and looked at the pack. There were less hounds then at the Bushman last weekend. I stepped back out and the weather was beautiful. What gives? And only two Harrietts. And they were virgins. I had to tell them later that we really do have ladies running with us. Eventually with last minute runners showing up, we had one more hound then the Bushman to save CH3's Hash Cred. Hey, let's get out there and hash.

.....Trail wasn't all that long. We headed north through two Checks to Belmont Lincoln intersection. By the time this old fart arrived, the pack was scattered and no one was yelling On. Finally the hare gave a clue to the two virgins, that the person who went east, never returned. Hmmm. So they followed and they didn't return. So I followed and sure enough, three marks. I blew the horn and the rest of the pack was able to finally follow. Hey, it is a group effort. Yell On, blow whistles, whatever, but let the pack know when you are On. At any rate, we kept going straight east now. Suddenly the leaders were seen to the right at a cross street. A big loop, or was it two loops. Finally I'm back with the pack. We are now heading east again when the leaders again are lost. Lifa returns and sees a mark pointing across the street. How could anyone miss these marks. He must have used about 20 pounds of Coke, or was it Anthrax, or maybe Gold Medal. Anyhow, Lifa interpreted the mark as going into a nearby alley and several followed. But there were no marks. Meanwhile, Horn-E, following in the back, crosses the street and sees a loop back mark that everyone missed. Hey, I found one. And we are now running back to the west. Two blocks later, I'm hopelessly behind again. And trail went south on Southport. Following along, I thought I saw the pack ahead, (To many non hash runners in that area. Damn.) after another loop back. Well, the trail did go east, but it didn't loop back and now I'm way off trail. So I parallel, I think, looking for anything coming south. I make my way all the way to Sheffield and there I spot Vote For Pedro coming towards me and then heading south on Sheffield. I followed and when the trail went past the home of Its Too Soft, the hare was on the roof calling me up for a beer stop. And on the roof was the FRB, SnatchSquatch. All right, he knew were it was and when trail got near there, he went there. Finally the whole pack got in.

.....We held a brief circle on the roof in the nice weather and clear sky, led by Taste The Rainbow. Finally the 30 pack was finished and we walked back to the bar. After a bit, the band took a break and we had another circle where we were finally, formerly introduced to our two virgins, Just Devon and Just Elise. Welcome to hashing and cum back often. Others on trail included Roofie Ragu, O'Shitty Runch, Jizz Limit and Epi Penis. We also had several House Puppies, Its Too Soft, Slippery Fingers, Cupcakes, Hooch B4 Cooch and Just Lauren.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash #100, 21 Sept. 2013. by Horn-E

.....There were a lot of times when we never thought it would get this far. But we made it, and many thanks to Lifa and Or G for signing up to hare so often. Lifa told me he is now at 57 trails. And I my self have made all 100, sort of. As a hare too. I had a Co-hare in EZ On The Ass for the first, which was also my personal 20th anniversary of hashing. I was having personal medical issues for Number 96 and Lifa suggested I plan the trail and he would lay it while I guarded the beer at the finish. Alright, a weak claim to co-haring, but we're calling it that. And at Number 97, Or G also volunteered to help me get through laying the trail and he them swept the trail for me. I'm back laying them on my own now.

.....Lifa mentioned returning to the start of the Bushman for the 100th and so it was. I was out setting trail for three hours and I managed to find some territory we've never been through before, despite hashing here so many times. We started out with Son Of Spam leading the pack across the grasslands and up the big hill for a Check. From there they had a short section of deep woods and then a long sweeping path around a big field of tall prairie grasses. Well, we had to do those and they were about ten feet high at the end. Then some nasty weed covered forest land before a Check at a parking lot. Trail then entered a small section of woods, between a wide path and a road. All virgin territory, finally coming out to a path with some low prairie grasses. Heading west we came to a Check in a grove of trees. Trail then back tracked a bit with a wide loop that brought us to a path near the road again. This came out to a wide field of picnic land and another Check. Only one trail out of here, hugging the north end of the field and finally along the river on the west end. This led to a creek leading into the river with a Check on the other side. Not sure who else, but Or G leaped over this muddy area and took off on the obvious long False. Meanwhile the real trail headed into a section of woods and out to a trail heading southeast through a narrow path of thorny bushes that are fast overgrowing the path. We followed this to another parking lot and another Check. This led across the grasslands and picnic areas until we headed into deep woods again. And another Check. Damn hare. From here trail headed straight south, out of the woods and across picnic areas before heading to a trail leading under Irving Park and a Check on the other side. Don't know what happened here, but there was another long False with the real trail clinging to the east side of the area and eventually a path into the deep woods. They ran on paths from here on as trail headed back to the finish with a series of Splits and one Check at the bridge.

.....After the pack took off, Bloody Thighs and Gas Stop Bob joined Horn-E as we headed into the woods to set up the beer and circle in the woods. And did we pick up the burrs on the way. Damn. Gave us something to do while we waited for the pack. Gas Stop Bob hid the beer and eventually the pack arrived, led by Lifa. Always Cums First was the first Bush Babe in, leading our other Bush Babe, Just Do Me Slowly. Within five minutes we were all in. Beer was flowing with a variety of over twenty beers to choose from. And who was in this pack. We had two virgin Bushman, Cunt Put and EpiPenis. Son Of Span, who wrote the Bushman Hash Song. Two Bush Babes, Always Cums First and Just Do Me Slowly. SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Rumpspringa, and Sir Poops A Lot who earned his bandanna. Two non runners in Bloody Thighs who was witnessing our traditions for the first time and The Gas Stop Bob who wrote the song for the Grand Poofta, about all of his ailments and such. Damn! And of course, Lifa and Or G.

.....After our circle we returned to the cars where Lifa brought out his grill and sausages. Always Cums First did the cooking. Many other contributions included salad from Bloody Thighs, rice balls from Just Do Me Slowly, salsa and chips, And Horn-E had a special cake made up with camouflage frosting and Bushman Hash #100 on top. And they said it was good. Horn-E also brought out a half gallon bottle of Altenmunster beer for all of us to toast the Bushman Hash #100. We ate, we drank and had a little more circle. All was good and finally, unfortunately, it was time to end it. A good #100th.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash, 18 Sep 2013 by Horn-E

.....The start was out of Big Joe's with Horn-E haring. If anything can go wrong, it will. Horn-E was about a third into laying trail when the rain stated. Going home to get flour, he barely made it before the deluge happened. He headed back out in a lull and by the time he got to the bar, it was pouring. So much for that drought. He set out on trail in the rain and laid marks in whatever sheltered spots he could find, or on telephone polls and trees and in corners, etc. Would they hold up. Would anyone come. It was a little over a two mile trail when flour ran out, and Horn-E got to the sheltered beer stop.

.....Back at the bar he found Bloody Thighs waiting and she told him no one showed, but Lifa was on the way. This was a bit special for Lifa because about fifteen years ago he attended his first hash in Chicago out of this bar. Well, he finally arrived and dressed, or undressed for the hash. He took about 25 to 30 minutes to run the trail, with little difficulty finding only one spot where the marks were questionable. The marks held up even though it poured the whole way. Horn-E and Bloody Thighs walked to the beer stop and Horn-E was just opening a beer when Lifa arrived, looking like a drowned rat. The beer was Judgement Day Ale from The Lost Abbey, and with the rain, it looked like Judgement Day was upon us. We were about to consign Lifa to the Lost Abbey. Imagine, beer with a cork at a beer stop. We finished the beer about the time of a short lull in the rain and headed back to Big Joe's. We drank beer, held a short circle and finally everyone left. And I actually was able to walk home without any rain.

.....If it is scheduled, you make due with the adversity thrown our way, and carry on. Hopefully the next trail will have better weather. But hash is hash.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 19 Aug 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set by Berts Special Friend and Meet Insider out of Liars Club. And if you listened to their chalk Talk, you'd agree that they were. So what happened? We had 20 trail hounds raring to go. We headed across the street and a Split that led into an alley. After another split we were heading down Clybourn and to a Check. This had us going further south on Clybourn and the pack was soon heading all over a parking lot. Horn-E followed Rusty Grundle as he headed up and along the tracks looking for marks. But it was Horn-E who spotted the Back Check that no one realized they were at. From last to first as Horn-E headed back and under the tracks where he found trail heading east. Just like Back Checks are supposed to work. A block later Rusty Grundle passed him and that slow old man was finally able to walk. And the whole pack passed him when Super Stuffer finally ran by. Across Ashland and at the entrance to a park, there was a Triple Split. And the pack was stalled. Finally the trail was found through the park and east to a quick loop and then south towards Fullerton. I was following Hoosier Daddy at this point and trail went east in an alley just before Fullerton. Two blocks later, we crossed Fullerton and east in another alley. I finally caught up to the pack as they were really stalled at a Check. On on was finally called going south on some tracks and then east towards De Paul. Here they did a little loop to the south and then through that little mall space in De Paul. By now the pack was out of sight and Horn-E and Just Do Me Slowly headed though the mall. At the far end, there were no marks. So we ranged through the mall and found a massive Split. Horn-E went west and found nothing, just missing the true trail. We ran around a bit and suddenly I Lean and Panicum Vaginatum were following the same path. Horn-E circled back and still never saw where the trail turned. So he ventured out and across Fullerton and finally saw marks going east and was soon joined by the other three. We headed down an alley and then through a parking lot to a Triple Split on Sheffield. The four of us checked each direction, alone and with others, twice at least, and never found another mark. We finally called it and headed back on Fullerton. And now, the hare comes by on a bicycle. He tells us where the Beer Stop is, On Webster off Ashland. And off he goes. Just Do Me Slowly, Panicum Vaginatum and I Lean finally decided to run over there. Horn-E just went back to the bar.

.....And there I sat, with a glass of water, for about a half hour. Finally the House Puppy of the day, Its Too Soft arrived. When I told him the pack was still out, he grabbed his phone and walked off. I guess he was afraid he might have to talk to Horn-E. But the pack soon wandered in. It took quite a while before the beer started to flow and Just Erin volunteered to be the beer wench. She had to carry many cans of beer on a tray as she wandered the circle. And if you think this was a set up for disaster, it was. Twice she almost lost it and many cans spilled onto the tray. The first time, our virgin Just Kate took the tray and did a massive down down. Well done Just Kate. Our other virgin was Just Glen and they were both brought to the hash by Just Buddy. Well done. Taste The Rainbow led the circle and it was definitely difficult with Karaoke going on right behind us. But with all that noise, we still really nailed the hares and many others. There was one returning hasher, Big Head Little Balls. He had been somewhat under the weather. Was it West Nile Virus, Bird Flu, Spotted Fever, Dengue, Gangrene, or just something he caught while walking around Wrigley? And was it worse then a pit bull attack?

.....Others on trail included Crotch Fire, My Hard Will Go On Forever, Roofie Ragu, Ginger Snatch, Son Of Spam, Hoosier Daddy, Mommy Strangelove, and Frequent Flyer.

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash 17 Aug. 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set by Horn-E and 11 Trail Hounds signed up to hound from St. Paul Woods. Wow. All right, it was a perfect day for running. We do these woods often enough and Lifa and Or G know the woods very well by now, so it is hard to plan a different trail. Then Chicken Stifer arrives and finds a way to short cut a huge block of trail and take a bunch of hounds with him. And I warned everyone in advance to not follow him off trail or they would miss the circle in the woods. Well, despite shortcutting trail, there was enough Hare trickery at the half way point to regroup the pack.

.....So, what happened? We started off to the south and immediately they seemed to be bogged down. Then after a little loop through short, tall grasses they finally headed west following Taste The Rainbow on his virgin Bushman trail. Right behind him was Snotcho Mama, another Bushman Virgin and they both were called FRBs. Well done. Came out to run the woods and actually ran the trail, mostly as designed. Anyhow, Taste The Rainbow ran right past his first Check. You have to both look for marks on trees and on the ground. But he was soon called back. Or G was thinking last time and headed north, but it was Gas Stop Bob who first headed in the right direction, north and quickly joined by Chicken Stifer who actually found trail. This led to running near the east end of the Forest Preserve until a Back Check. From here they headed straight west and into some tall grasses following Toilet Paper (TP). Then we headed towards an isolated narrow section of trees and the pack was all ready starting to try to out guess the hare instead of going through the trail as planned, with Chicken Stifer heading around the wooded section. But the true trail went straight through this section and across some more grassland, across the parking area and into some woods. We were soon at the river and headed north a bit to a big fallen tree over the river. And across the river went the trail. Apparently Cums First and Rump Springa managed to cross on the tree keeping their toes dry while the rest went through the cool river to the other side. Meanwhile Gas Stop Bob headed south on the east side of the river, avoiding the river all together. Good guess. All right, the hare gave him a hint. Anyhow, back of the main trail we reversed direction again, heading south along the river and in a thin wooded section avoiding any marks on the paved bike path. A hundred yards later the trail went back to the river and into it. Taste The Rainbow headed in and across, but there were no marks. The hare had to remind him to look for TP and there it was, hanging on branches over the river. He charged straight south in the river for another hundred yards or so before the trail came out on the east side of the river. Well done. Lifa quickly crossed and eventually a few others. Some went on south, following Chicken Stifer, Including Rump Springa, Sir Poops A Lot and Cums First. Others finally entered the water as the trail headed east and was disappearing into the woods. SnatchSquatch headed down a sharp embankment and entered the water to quickly, losing his balance and falling. But one hand was straight up in the air, clutching his cell phone. Now, just who were you going to call in the woods? Anyhow, recovery was made and this great pack of eleven hounds was down to about six who were still following a simple, back and forth trail. At the next Check, the pack was nailed by a False, back over by the river. Gotcha. But they were soon on heading south in nice running woods and left me behind. It was hard to run with shoes full of gravel and burrs. Damn. I found myself back with Gas Stop Bob and Just Do Me Slowly. He headed over to the bridge on the nearby road while Just Do Me Slowly followed trail through a swamp area with some good, real shiggy. Of course she is so light, she almost floated across it while the Wankers sunk in about six or eight inches. We then came to the river and another Check. False to the north and over that road bridge. Some of the short cutters had done that in reverse and were at the Check. There was an obvious mark straight across the river that led to a quick False. The true trail went north along the river for a hundred yards, over a little creek and eventually across the river again. And on the other side was a Check, hopefully hidden so any short cutters would miss it, like the crew that followed Chicken Stifer. Apparently it worked. And this had an obvious trail straight west that went to a long False. Taste The Rainbow said it smelled False, but he had to do it. Gotcha. Now that we were all regrouped, trail was found going north along the river in thin woods, but not on the asphalt bike path. Hidden marks so that any of the short cutters would miss them. They did. Yeah!! But now we were on and the runners were leaving me behind as they did a loop over to a parking lot and back through some trees to the bike path where we hugged the edge for a very short distance before heading into woods and about waist high Scritchy Scratchy. Get used to it. This went through trees and a tiny path and into a hidden grassy area before getting to the real Scritchy Scratchy, a huge field with dozens and dozens of native prairie plants and tall grasses, some about eight feet tall. A hundred yards from the bike path and we couldn't see them or them us. There was one Check in the middle of all this. They actually missed the Check itself. But they were slowed by the turn in trail and marks seen in other directions. They finally were on and through and around a section of thick eight foot grasses. As they emerged and headed for the next section, I saw Taste The Rainbow leading. Some might have been ahead, but we couldn't see more then fifty yards. Trail ended up at this little stream bed that twists all around and naturally we ran right through this. It ended up three downs and ups before that last one over debris from flooded fast rushing waters. This was all loose and I heard that Taste The Rainbow stepped on some and it flipped almost hitting him in the face. Now we go through a little wooded section and through the last bit of Scritchy Scratchy. This led to flour on trees, that could be only seen from the Scritchy Scratchy. Then across the paved bike path was another bit of flour, well into the woods on the other side. Any short cutters that missed the Scritchy Scratchy would have missed the short trail from here, over a tiny, muddy creek and along the river to the beer cache. Here we gathered about 65 minutes after start, but only about 3.1 miles, or so I was told. Everyone made it. We held circle along the river until the beer was gone. Damn, if we keep getting packs this large, I'll have to get co-hares, just to help carry the beer. Well, maybe not.

.....After we finished the beer, we headed across the river and through woods to the cars. Lifa planned a grill and had another cooler full of beer. Some brought food. Damn, are we getting like Second City Hash. Well, not quite. We have nothing but white men and Asian women. More like a tour through south east Asian hashing. We did reconvene the circle and got into some long songs again. Great. Eventually the pack started to thin and we headed towards cars and rides out.

.....Upon finally getting home, I got into that nice warm shower, washing off my shoes and trying to grit my teeth as my legs burned from all of that Scritchy Scratchy, twice. Well, not that bad.

.....Can't wait for that next one, Our 100th Trail, We will BBQ in the woods, so be prepared for bringing food, and let us know in advance if you are cummng so we make sure to have enough beer for the circle in the woods. We might even have a Camo cake to celebrate. It is our thing.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash Aug 15, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of O'Malleys West and was supposed to have three hares. But One Fuck Chuck was a no show and didn't even tell his co-hares. Oh Oh. And he drank a lot of Down Downs for that. But Glory Hole and BarBack MountHim carried on without him. We had 29 hounds at the start and Hoosier Daddy came in late and followed trail. Or so he claims. We also had three House Puppies that went back into the bar, Chicken Stifer, W Jew 40 and Little Trojan Annie.

.....Trail took off to the south and a quick Split had the pack heading north in an alley and then east on Belden. After a quick loop we had a Check at Cleveland. This was called to the south just as I got there. Heading south to Lincoln I finally caught the pack again as they were waiting for traffic. Since when does the hash wait for traffic. But the pack was soon heading east on Dickens and as I approached Larrabee, our sweep, Glory Hole gave me a short cut, straight south. As as I headed south, False Advertising and then Berts Special Friend came out of a gangway, but there were no marks. Hmmm! So I headed across the street and into another alley, but no marks. Heading over to Armitage, the pack was suddenly heading my way, but there were still no marks. Apparently a mark was finally spotted on Mohawk, heading south, but from where did it come. But then again, it is a Glory Hole trail. At Wisconsin the trail headed east a block and then returned through a little playground. Horn-E spotted the mark coming out and called to Snotcho Mama to check across the street. We both missed the arrow to the north and the pack was soon on that and around west to the first alley heading south. And through another gangway and back on Mohawk. Damn hares. This brought us to a quick loop to the east, south to Eugenie and back west. The pack was now out of sight. At Larabee I found a mark north and then a Split. Picking right, I headed left and into an alley. This led to a Triple Split that slowed me down. West was False. North led to some orange flour. WTF. Running on and there were no more marks. Returning I tried the third split arrow and finally got back on trail that eventually led me south on Orchard to a little park just before North Ave and a Shot Stop. Rofie Ragu was there with the hare, BarBack MountHim. I don't do shots so I was right on to the east on North Ave for a long stretch that led to a Back Check. I came back two blocks before running into the sweep who informed me I missed the turn arrow on the wall. Yeah, about 8 feet up a brick wall covered in ivy. Kind of like a visiting ball player trying to find a fly ball in the ivy in Wrigley Field. But I was now On and a few blocks later I came to the second Shot Stop at a sunken park off of Willow. I was passed by Roofie Ragu and Berts Special Friend just as we got there. I don't do shots, so I was off and right on trail. At Lincoln there was a Split. The obvious was straight, but I couldn't find anything. Going the other way,and again nothing. I finally ranged to Armitage and Clark and there was a Check, just as Snotcho Mama arrived ahead of the pack. I headed into the park with Berts Special Friend right behind me. We split and I headed further into the park, seeing nothing, including never seeing another hasher on trail. Damn. After wandering for some time in beautiful running territory in the park, and seeing nothing, I headed through a tunnel and back towards the Check. Here I found an arrow that only led to a False. So I ran on towards Clark, looking everywhere for a mark crossing my path. And it did, somewhere. Finally at Clark, I called it. Getting really dehydrated, I needed to head for the bar and get a beer. Meanwhile the pack was a block north of where I had been, enjoying a beer in the park. Damn.

.....Finally the pack returned to the bar and the beer started to flow. We headed upstairs and Little Trojan Annie called the circle together. It went on for quite a long time as the hares were constantly called out, including One Fuck Chuck. After circle we hung out upstairs and I finally left around 11:30 with the party still going on.

.....Other Trail Hounds included TampOn TampOff, Its Too Soft, Slippery Fingers, Lifa, Meet Insider, Frequent Flyer, Four Score In The Back Door, Furry Spice, Ass Capades, Poultry Fucker, Urine Love, Just Erin, Just John, Helen Keller Facial, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob, Jizzy, Panic Vaginatum, My Hard Will Go On Forever, and Canine Fixation. Some more Couch potatoes include Specklebird, Ice Princess and Fire In The Hole who led a trio of beer wenches.

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash, Fri, Aug 8, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was Lower Wackoff's annual summer hash to the woods in the dark from Yacko's. We had 5 hounds baying at the moon and waiting to get started. The trail headed straight west, away from the woods. (?) But this was just a Triple Split to split the pack and bring us to a big loop and into the woods. and we immediately had a fence climb to get in. Horn-E opted to avoid this with his damaged wrist and went around. By the time he got there, there being a river crossing on a huge fallen tree, Lifa, Fire Crotch and Rump Springa already sprinted across and were out of sight. Or G was stranded in the middle of the tree, about 57 feet above the raging rapids below, or so it seemed. He suddenly froze. WTF. He seemed to lose balance, or that was his story. Even Horn-E was waiting to cross. And the hare. Finally he managed to regain balance and made it across as did Horn-E and Lower Wackoff. We entered a short section of woods and into a huge section of picnic areas and large grassy fields. The front three ran to a shelter and found a Check. From here they were spread wide in a forward direction, looking everywhere for trail. So Horn-E headed south and found one, two and damn, he couldn't find that elusive third mark. Meanwhile Or G, with both feet firmly on the ground, wisely decided that this was a Lower Wackoff trail and marks were not always one after another. Ranging after that second mark, he finally found a mark heading into the woods. He was followed by Fire Crotch and Rump Springa. They noticed poison ivy and backed out and ran parallel. Horn-E and Lifa followed into the woods. Horn-E opted for a possible short cut into the, now dry, wetlands and running through some amazing prairie grasses full of flowers and about eight feet high. Really cool stuff. And if he went on with his course, he would have come out at the Short Beer Stop. But he finally came out, into the woods and back on trail. Finally he found the Short Beer Stop. But where was the rest of the pack. Coming off of the Short Beer Stop was a short trail to a check. Or G and Lifa were scattered in a forward direction and Rump Springa and Fire Crotch were off in the reverse direction on the Turkey Trail. Or something like that. Horn-E and Lower Wackoff blew whistles and shouted out and finally got everyone back to the Short Beer Stop, even if not all at once. After this, we somehow got out looking for trail and it was Lifa who got on the right trail over a bridge and to the east into woods along a nice path. And Horn-E was soon following. We came out in a parking lot and another Check. We had to go into the woods, right. Lifa headed north along a path that would eventually go along the rivers edge. Beautiful out there. False. Horn-E ended up climbing over a 57 foot pile of wood chips and into the woods. And just then, Rump Springa found marks heading out of the woods. WTF. Lifa followed. Fire Crotch was seen waving to Horn-E and Or G, but Or G found a Split arrow going into the woods. He wasn't ON. Then Horn-E found a mark into the woods and a BN soon after. He came out into a big field and ahead he could see three hounds at a picnic shelter ahead. But they weren't On. Meanwhile, Or G, DFL out of the woods, found the real trail and ran into some more woods and found the beer. The first shall be last and the last shall be first', to the beer. It was guarded by Bingo, and we all heard the tale of Bingo. Felt like hearing the Tale of the good ship Minnow, with Lower Wackoff being the Captain. And no, Horn-E was not Gilligan. We soon gathered around the beer and after some cold amber fluids, we decided to hold circle right there with so much ice cold beer. And we did until the beer was gone and with good direction from the Captain, we escaped our beautiful island in the woods and walked back to the bar.. "And that's the way it was...3.15 miles for Lifa. And fun it was indeed!" or so Lifa said.

.....We walked back to the bar and Magnetic Muff was waiting for us there. And you think the fun ends here. Not. The pints were $2 and $7 pitchers. But the voluptuous bar tender just decided to give us $5 pitchers, without even asking. Then she told us those pizzas on that other table were ours to enjoy, a large with almost everything and a small with just cheese. Then Horn-E brought out the pretzels and Lower Wackoff brought out a huge bag of salted peanuts in the shell. We got the circle going again and were entertained with 20 to 30 good limericks, mostly from Lifa and Lower Wackoff. We finally ended when several hounds had to hit the rode. Magnetic Muff drove Or G home and Horn-E to a bus and we were all good.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash, 3 Aug 2013 by Horn-E. That doggone dog bite story. Damn Dog, be gone.

.....This was set out of the usual Happy House by Happy Ass Grabber and was one of the better trails of the year. I didn't say that. We had 18 hounds at the start of this trail. We set out of his back yard and to the north as we worked a few alleys and streets to go north on Lake Street for a few blocks. From here we worked our way to the Green Line for a trip on unknown duration. Look for marks on the El platform. Horn-E, Lifa and Chicken Stifer headed to the first car to scout for marks on platforms as the train pulled into the station. Finally Horn-E spotted some marks below on Lake street before we came into the Cicero station. We headed out of the train to marks heading west and down to street level. Horn-E led and turned towards Cicero where we had a Check. Meanwhile Chicken Stifer just headed to the marks seen on Lake street from the train, forget trail, jump ahead. And most of the pack followed. As we headed east, there was a turn mark down what looked like a dead end. Actually a great Back Check through a hole in a fence. But Chicken Stifer just ran on east and found the marks from the back check and headed east. At the next street, there was a turn north again. This was true trail, but Chicken Stifer just ranged on east and wasn't seen again until just before the finish. Hooch B4 Cooch followed and wasn't seen until we finally crossed the Eisenhower Expy, much later. Meanwhile, the hash headed across some tracks just before a freight train, with the engineer blowing his horn at Horn-E. We then entered into some good thick woods, following flour. Saw Rusty Grundle on overhead tracks looking for marks, but they were clearly below. Came to a building and trail went around it in deep bush. Here I saw Son Of Spam coming out with the cache of beer. We were in some long ago abandoned building with huge piping inside. Cool spot. Great find Happy Ass Grabber. After a quick taste of beer, Lifa led us north with Horn-E right behind. At a Check, Horn-E headed over a little hill to some more tracks. Heading north, that blind old fart missed three marks. But Chunder Pussy was following and spotted the marks and they turned east over another little hill and into deep bush. Horn-E followed with the pack coming right behind. But trail was elusive and Horn-E managed to pick up on the trail and led to some more tracks and finally out to Kilbourn and a Triple Split.

.....Horn-E went north and the trail went south as Rusty Grundle led. He then got caught by a Back Check at the first street, regrouping the pack somewhat and there were now runners and walkers. We headed south, over Lake St. and a bit of Zig Zag in local streets. I found myself following Chunder Pussy as we returned to Kilbourn and saw three walkers, Salty Gash, Fistful Of Pricks and Taste The Rainbow. Taste The Rainbow (?) walknig along with an ice cream come he got at an ice cream truck. Yeah, they still have those and it was still playing "Turkey in the Straw". Meanwhile we went on to the west a bit and found trail through an empty field and along some elevated train tracks and another mini beer stop. We were now nine. Two missing and seven walkers on short cuts. We drank the beer and Chunder Pussy and Horn-E then led us under the tracks and to the east. Here we found a Split. Horn-E went south and Chunder Pussy found trail to the east. Horn-E paralleled and rejoined the pack at Kostner and a Check. Trail went south just after Son Of Spam lost his usual cool and cussed the training pack of the local gang bangers causing some shit. Across the Expressway we came to a long loop to the east that Berts Special Friend managed to get caught on. We kept going south until we found the walkers and a Check at 5th Ave. Trail ended up being found to the south and under some mostly abandoned tracks. Back to the east for two long blocks and then into some deep shiggy, across those tracks at ground level and into more deep bush filled with garbage and whatever. Salty Gash was staying out of the shiggy calling to the late arrivals. That would be Horn-E. This section came out at 5th Ave where Its Too Soft looked to be On to the west. He wasn't. Trail went north and back into deep bush. This section was chest high prairie grasses. Half the pack or more was ahead as I entered this section. Taste The Rainbow was seen running to the right of the pack with wild abandon. Horn-E did the same to the left of the pack passing R-Tard-E. In the distance we could see TP on the tall grasses. We finally came out at Kilpatrick, just south of Polk and a Triple Split.

.....Taste The Rainbow headed straight west in an alley. Berts Special Friend headed north to Polk and found a turn arrow west. Horn-E waved Taste The Rainbow on to the west. Then he went to the side walk and walked along this fence around a home with three dogs running around and barking like crazy. The fence was a strong head high iron fence reinforced with a mesh of tough plastic to keep the dogs from reaching through the iron bars. Now here is the big ooops. Apparently the owner of the property bough two large sheets of this plastic to attach to the fence. Unfortunately, it didn't cover the hole fence. As Horn-E passed the gap in the plastic, a Pit Bull leaped as far as possible through the fence and grabbed him on his arm. Shit. Horn-E yanked as hard as possible, ripping his arm from the jaws of death. There was a three inch gash on the top of his wrist where the dogs tooth dragged through flesh as Horn-E pulled back. Grabbing his wrist, he found blood pouring out from a deep puncture wound on the inside of his wrist. Damn. Rump Springa, who wasn't wearing his shirt, volunteered his T-Shirt to wrap the wounds. Several of us walked around to the front of the building where several kids were hanging out. Like 4 or 5 year olds. We asked them to get their parents, 'someone had been bitten by their dog.' Then another girl came out, about 9, and she had a cell phone, apparently calling daddy. Meanwhile Horn-E started to get a little light headed and we went across the street to some shade on a lawn where Horn-E could lay down. Salty 'Florence Nightingale' Gash held his arm up to minimize bleeding. Happy Ass Grabber eventually asked one of the locals, actually probably the owner of the dogs, for a ride to Happy Ass Grabber's House where we could connect with a hasher with a car for the ride to the VA. And he did.

.....Hey, I was hurting, but the ambulance bill is about $1000 and they would take me to the nearest hospital. More bills. I wasn't impossibly bad off and it made good sense. At the Happy House, Son Of Spam was there and volunteered to drive me to the VA. I got my back pack and we were off. At the VA, I finally got a VA cop to get me straight into ER without the usual VA procedures. Eventually X-Rayed to check for bone damage. Negative. Cleaned up and wrapped with gauze. They don't stitch up dog bite wounds because of the chances of infection. Chicago Police came by and took the report. Lifa showed up at the VA, after the Hash party ended, to offer a ride or whatever. I was okay and was able to take the bus home. Not pleasant, but I managed. I'm on antibiotics for a week. Special thanks to Son Of Spam, Rump Springa, Lifa, Happy Ass Grabber and especially my hash nurse, Salty Gash.

.....As for the rest of the trail, hell, I don't know. They got back, drank beer, held a circle, ate food, and went home. Others not yet mentioned included Bi Holer, EZ On The Ass ( did he actually run anything or did he just hang out with us before the trail. I know he works on Saturdays), Back Door County and Meat Insider.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash, 29 July 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set from Montrose Saloon by Magnetic Muff and Just Do Me Slowly, the first annual Cougar Hash. We had a dozen hounds ready to take off on this trail, thanks to two visitors and ten healthy local hounds. O'Shitty Runch was there, but not healthy yet, not running yet, not riding his bike yet. He looked like he slashed his wrists, his ankles and knees were in bad shape and he could barely talk out of the left side of his mouth. Victim of a bike/auto crash on the way to POP. We all wish you a quick recovery.

.....But meanwhile, we still hash and the two Cougars sent us off to the north across Montrose. And no marks for a block. Fortunately Horn-E came by Brown Line and saw two marks on the way to the bar. The first was a three way mark coming out of an alley. The pack scoured the area around Blagos House. Yeah, he still owns the house, even though he is currently living in subsidized Government housing out west. Meanwhile Horn-E headed east to the alley and called On to the pack. He quickly found a mark going north and led the pack until Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and the visitor, Panicum Vaginatum (I hope I got that right) passed him in the street. By the way, she had a great hash shirt. In back it said, "Ouch, that's my butt". We hit a Check a block later and she led us north and through a little play park. But Horn-E knew better having seen that other arrow as he got off the El, pointing across the tracks and heading north. So he headed that way and was soon passed by Poultry Fucker. We ended up following her to Lawrence and a Check. This led to a little park across the river and a well laid arrow pointing to a real nice wood chip path along the river. Nice shiggy and comfortable running. I followed Lower Wackoff through this. Meanwhile, half the pack missed this and short cut through the park to Argyle and by the time I got there, the pack was disappearing to the north with Magnetic Muff following and sweeping. We ran around this park, over a little foot bridge and west along the river. This led to a T and E Split. T went north to Foster while the E went straight through some shiggy and to a fence climbing at Kedzie. By now everyone was out of sight and I was dead last. Or so I thought. Lower Wackoff interpreted the T and E Split to meant the trail went down to rivers edge and west. Sorry no marks there. Trail did a little loop north of Foster, back under Foster and through a park to the far southeast corner. From here it was just east and south as we ran city streets and alleys, working our way to Rockwell and a point where we could cross the El tracks. During this interval, the following Lower Wackoff finally caught up to me, passed me and led me to the Beer Stop, behind Magnetic Muff's old apartment. Now the way I heard the story, SnatchSquatch followed past BN, no more decision points, somehow missed the beer stop and followed the rest of the trail back to the bar. Meanwhile, we drank our beer and headed back, hitting Montrose and just walking west to the bar. Well, at least SnatchSquatch ran the little loops on the On In trail. Back at the bar we had $7 pitchers for everything and drank some good beers. Taste The Rainbow called circle together. We met our visitors, Not A Real Cop, (NARK) and Panicum Vaginatum. He sang us a short song and she shared one of her female body parts. Chicken Stifer was FRB for missing half the trail and Poultry Fucker was FBI for running the whole trail, faster. Rump Springa got the grill going and we all had some good wienies to stick in some buns. The pack then drank for a bit with the usual House Puppies, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Its Too Soft and Mudsucker, and the injured O'Shitty Runch. The rest of the Trail Hounds included Four Score In The Back Door and EpiPenis. By about 10:30 we herded the remaining pack out the door and got some rides out of there. I needed that.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 25 July, 2013 by Horn-E

.....As I walked down the street towards Four Treys, I saw Clark Kunt taking off on the live trail. And since he was going off alone, why wasn't his co-hare, The Dark Kunt, sweeping. All right, I heard that complaint on trail. And Lifa did try with a tiny piece of chalk. We soon gathered outside and I counted 40 hounds gathered, most running, but I heard there was a walkers trail while I was lost on trail. Not. Keep dogging it. And I did. Anyhow, we took off to the northwest and after running an alley a block north, hounds were returning saying something about a Back Check. Well, even though I can't run for shit these days, I started looking to the west. Naturally the trail went east and I could barely see the last of the pack disappearing to the south. Ooops. I ran after them and eventually saw what I think was EZ On The Ass paralleling the pack and heading south. I followed him and there were no marks, but eventually he headed east. I followed and eventually came out at Lincoln with no marks. But I saw about two hounds heading south, around a corner again. And again, I wasn't finding marks until I hit a Split, back at Lincoln. I headed east and ran into Hooch B4 Cooch, also lost. We headed east and I saw a mark behind a post heading north and then east. About here, Taste The Rainbow climbed over a fence and joined us. Through a few more Splits and they both left me behind as they went through an empty parking lot just north of Belmont. Across the street was a trip arrow. Taste the Rainbow went east and disappeared. Hooch B4 Cooch went south through an alley and didn't return. I went west to the big intersection, expecting a massive Check and found nothing. So I headed south on Lincoln to try to intercept the other two. At the next corner was nothing. Damn. Then suddenly the whole pack came running out of an alley. I think I missed the shot stop. But then, I don't miss shot stops. But I'm back with the pack. We headed east to a Check. And suddenly the trail was found on the other side of the street, heading west and I'm damn near in front. We eventually head south in an alley and cross Wellington and into a gangway. Very narrow so I went around and saw hounds heading west towards the church. I think that it was in that narrow gangway were the arrest took place. Ice Princess ducks under an air conditioner and there is a man standing there with an AK 47 pointed at him. Well maybe an A K 46.5, or was it just his finger. He yells, "Your under arrest." Well Ice Princess has been under a lot of things, but never arrest. He puts up his hands as another 17 hashers come pouring out of that narrow gangway. With only a lacquered nail pointing at Ice Princess, he suddenly turn and ran the other way and all of the arrestees, headed west. Meanwhile I'm on the north side of the church and suddenly Taste The Rainbow comes around the church and heads west. Weren't we just last and lost recently. Well we're in front now. Well, he was. The pack is soon passing me and we head south for two blocks in an alley before crossing Ashland. The pack slowly passes me as we head west, under some tracks and towards Damen. And suddenly Hooch B4 Cooch comes up behind me. Weren't we last a long time ago. Well we are again. But he leaves me behind and I end up DFL in a back yard behind Clark Kunt's apartment. Big yard. After retrieving bags, we gathered and proceed to drink, well over 40 of us, with the usual array of House Puppies showing up. One Fuck Chuck led the circle. And he is getting better. Well, maybe not. But we got through it with only one Chinese Fire Drill. Virgins were introduced, Leslie, Barney, Mike, and Marty. I think. Welcome. Now come back. After circle the pack held on as the beer bucket was constantly replenished from the liquor store around the corner. All right, I got some of the names that were there on trail besides those already mentioned. , and a few of the house puppies. Jizz Limit or whatever his name is. Check his necklace and pick one. Back Door County, Sandy Syphilis, W Jew 40, Chicken Stifer, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Poultry Fucker, Hoosier Daddy, Foamy Discharge, Hidden Panda, TampOn TampOff, Drill In My Box, Frequent Flyer, Epipenis, Roofie Ragu, Rump Springa, Mount Schwiiinga, That Thing That Vibrates, Soul Taco, Glitter Spitter, Just Brian, Little Trojan Annie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob (in a tiger outfit) Cuntputt and Pull My Pork. Their were others too.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

Mon 22 July 2013 A Chicago Hash, by Horn-E

.....Ass Capades laid trail from his place and had a pack of about 23 hounds in his alley as we started out. We ran north and I was running behind watching the last of the bimbos pass me by and run on. We crossed Lawrence and went into an empty lot. Everyone seemed to headed towards Broadway and so I ran along Lawrence and followed Chunder Pussy to Broadway. As I crossed the street, I saw Lifa coming from the north. It was a Check and he was soon On heading south on a side street. I yelled for the pack and followed. We ran to Wilson and then east to the tracks. Here trail went south into an alley. And dummy Horn-E, thinks he has local knowledge and the trail has to come out on Broadway between Aldi and Target. Hey, I've been to both and I thought it was a dead end. It wasn't. And a bunch of hounds followed me. Nothing. They went behind Aldi and found the trail heading into the campus area. Meanwhile Horn-E still thinks he knows best and the trail would have had to go behind Target, so he runs on to Montrose. Dumber and dumber. No one's there. So it is a long run back through that alley until Horn-E finally found the trail heading west. And everyone is long gone. Trail runs west for several blocks and then goes through a loop to Montrose, and back over trail. Well laid. A perfect spot to catch up, but Horn-E is so far behind that everyone was already long gone. After a slight detour for the pack, Horn-E finally catches the pack. Hey, follow trail. We now head west and south for a block, only to head right back north. Here Horn-E followed Back Door County and Lifa in a slight short cut. A block north and the trail crossed Clark and enters an alley going south. Only a block and over to Ashland. But again, Horn-E misses a short cut and follows finally passing Tell It To My Nipples, The Dark Kunt and Just Lauren. Running on, the trail finally goes to Lawrence and several blocks east of Clark before heading into an alley and The Beer Stop.

.....We finally headed back to Ass Capades and up to his roof for the On On. Circle was soon started and run by Chunder Pussy. Well done too. There were many more then ran the trail and the roof was very crowded. Ass Capades started the grill and unfortunately, the smoke all blew right through the circle. But a good time was being had and after circle there were more then enough hamburgers and hot dogs for everyone.

.....And suddenly I saw our old friend and a former Chicago Area Hasher who single handedly put together some really great hashes with great trail and more great food then the pack could eat in three hashes. Brisket, Deep Fat Fried Turkeys (in the woods and bars of Chicago) salads, bread, corn on the cob, whatever. He was fantastic and will always be missed. Peterbilt. And for the record, with no access to the Internet, he called the hotline to find the hash. He just wished there were also directions on the phone line. He had some difficulty finding the place.

.....We had some visitors including Bridge Over The River Twat, and Crouching Dragon Hidden Jacob. We also had a virgin, Just Matt. There were others, but in the crowd I didn't get to meet them all. Other hounds on trail included Hooch B4 Cooch, R-Tard-E, Urine Love, O'Shitty Runch, Ice Princess, Drill In My Box, Foamy Discharge, Jizz Limit, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry Fucker, Barf Fly, EpiPenis, and Four Score In The Back Door. I'm sure there were others. And all to many House Puppies to mention here. Actually I didn't get their names.

The Tale of the Trail

Tue 23 July 2013 A Chicago Hash, by Horn-E

.....This trail was set out of Double Bubble with Horn-E haring again. Beware. With laying so many trails, I sometimes think of trying something new. The idea was to see if I could lay a trail that could be run in either direction, because I wasn't sure if I could hold a beer stop at the lakefront with all the weather reports citing 8 to 12 foot waves. Actually wasn't that bad, but a nice fast wind from the north east. Anyhow, I laid trail with nothing but long straight lines instead of arrows. And no Splits, but lots of loops to regroup the pack.

.....So the trail actually headed west through some alleys and streets and through my back yard, the alternate beer stop if I had to reverse trail and plans. From here it went a little west and then to the south winding through streets and alleys. Our second Check was at Clark and Ashland and apparently Lower Wackoff lost the pack here. Trail went east through some side streets and finally another Check at Ridge. While there were several trails to the south, the true trail took one of them, and looped back past the Check into an area just north of Ridge, with streets and alleys going in multiple directions. Short cut once and you might end up on a trail going the wrong way. And that was the game of the day. Somewhere along the way, probably before here, Hooch B4 Cooch got way in front and was leaving the pack behind. That left 5 other hounds running in circles and loops like a plate of spaghetti. Meanwhile Horn-E got beer and chips and was waiting at the lakefront when Hooch B4 Cooch finally arrives at about 40 minutes on trail. It was five minutes later when Just John came along leading Just Erin, Berts Special Friend, Ice Princess and Caught Red Headed. We drank for about 15 minutes before people started to get cold in that stiff breeze off of the lake. And even that beautiful Full Moon rising over the lake couldn't warm them. So we started back, going straight along the On In trail in case Lower Wackoff showed. And he did, just after we passed the El tracks. So, it was a complete pack heading back to the bar. We got a circle going, Full Moon style and had a good time with our group of eight. We're growing again. Come on out to a moon hash and join us.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thristday Hash 18 July, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This trail was set by One Chuck Fuck and Bi Holer from SoFo. Bi Holer told me she had a nice plan. Then One Fuck Chuck told her how to implement it and everything went to hell. It was to be an A to B. We started out with the usual chalk talk and headed across the street into an alley. We were soon heading north and over to Ashland. What happened here I still don't know, but by the time I got there, people were returning from the west and acting like they were at a Check. They weren't. Apparently the trail headed north in an alley and the trail seemed to head back and forth in the alley between Clark and Ashland as we headed north. I found myself following Hoosier Daddy and for some reason, other hashers managed to pass me, like Lifa. Now how did I get in front of them, I don't know. Finally I followed Hoosier Daddy through the Jewel Parking lot, north to Bryn Mawr and then east. Half way down the block a bunch of normal FRBs passed us. Where did they come from? Taste the Rainbow, Urine Love, Drill In My Box, etc. We soon headed across the street, south a bit and into an alley. From here the trail seemed to go just south, back and forth between the street and alley. I emerged from an alley and saw some hashers, including Little Trojan Annie, to the west, heading south and obviously getting a short cut. I followed and we had another right turn at the next corner. Now here things were definitely screwed up. At the alley, there was a left turn arrow crossing the street. But there was about ten hounds at the next corner milling around like they were at a Check. I crossed the street and saw an arrow coming from were the pack was, also heading into the alley. Now this makes no sense. I yelled out RU and they were checking. But over a long block away, I saw hounds in the alley heading south. I yelled to the pack and headed south with them following. I only found one more arrow, but at the next street, there was another turn arrow coming from the west and into that alley. If this doesn't make sense, it doesn't to me as I write it. We then ran on to the south, somehow missing the beer stop and going all of the way to Lawrence on Magnolia and then west to Clark. At Clark was a Check, but we could see the pack continuing north and back to the start. On an A to B? But the finish B was actually across the street in a pizza place, Pieholer or something like that. Apparently it was BYO and the hash brought in much beer from the liquor store across the street. Hash pizza's were ordered and the Dark Kunt called the circle together. As part of the circle, our GM came out with a few announcements, and then declared that our hare One Fuck Chuck would not be allowed to hare again unless he was with a very experienced hare. I guess it was declared a Very Shitty Trail. There were the virgins and visitors and transplants, including Canine Fixation, Vaginarian, Rump Stumper, Just Steph. Or whatever. After circle they took up another collection for more beer and pizza and I took advantage of a coming bus and headed home. I'm running again, and wasn't DFL. Whoopie. Others in attendance on trail were EpiPenis, Tell It To My Nipples, Snotcho Mama, W Jew 40, Happy Ass Grabber, Hidden Panda, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Berts Special Friend, TampOn TampOff, Ice Princess, Just Lauren, O'Shitty Runch, Chippendale, Meat Insider and if I missed you, what do you want from an old drunk. Some house puppies included Are They Real, Bloody Brown Castle and Slippery Fingers.

The Bushman Hash 20 July, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This trail was set from Cumberland and Irving Park by that rat bastard hare, Horn-E. The woods are very overgrown with all the rains this year, and often impassable. We had five hounds and taking the hares advice, Just Do Me Slowly took the lead as the only one short enough to get under the trees and bushes while upright. But right after that she twisted her ankle. Overly ambitious taking the lead for once. But Son Of Spam brushed right by her as she lay in the prairie grasses moaning in pain. He led as we ran along a stream bed full of nasty smelly shiggy, After a long run in a narrow path we finally headed south into thick underbrush to another path and a Split. Son Of Span was already lost and directionally challenged and went the wrong way, allowing Meat Insider to take the lead to the west and along a narrow path until the marks went right. Right over that stream. Fortunately there was some small branches to keep your feet dry. Unfortunately Meat Insider can't balance herself and fell in the putrid mess. But the pack showed no mercy as even Berts Special Friend left her laying there as he finally got the lead. A short loop and trail went up the big hill for the mandatory Check. And wrong way Berts Special Friend went the wrong way. Lifa now managed to take the lead as trail headed north to a parking lot and then in thick brush. No poison ivy in sight, but that 22 foot long Boa Constrictor got in the way as it fell on Lifa. But, just about then a coyote came along and saw the Boa Constrictor as meat. Well, it is. When last seen the Boa Constrictor and the coyote were in a death match and we dragged Lifa to safety. So the pack was now regrouped and we headed west until the woods just got impassable and trail headed over to Irving Park and after a Split, Berts Special Friend found the marks and led across a parking lot, past a three ring bouncy circus and finally to another parking lot and a Check. And Berts Special Friend ran right past it, seeing a mark on a tree and finally to a Triple Split on a paved path. The options were three directions, not three hours looking for False Trail. Finally Berts Special Friend, Meat Insider and Son Of Spam gave up and returned just in time as Just Do Me Slowly found the trail to the west and north and back across Irving Park at a Bicycle Trail. And, damn that hare, another Check. Now last time we were in this picnic area, trail came from the other direction and led to a False, right where the Check was. And Lifa caught that one. So this time he is prepared and headed off where that other trail went. Lifa, Horn-E's a rat bastard. You know the 360 degree rule. Well, at about as the 350 mark was a small path that went right back across Irving Park. But this time under the road along the river. And they all followed Meat Insider as she found a small path and saw a pretty butterfly. And she followed it right to a thousand flys, feasting on the carcass of a not so fresh pile of deer road kill. The smell was overbearing and she tried to hold her breath, almost passing out as Berts Special Friend grabbed her and carried her past the fumes. She quickly recovered and even quicker was Berts Special Friend as he dropped her and took off on trail. "Gotta win the hash." And now was a long bike path with a few turns due to all of the trees knocked down by Friday Nights storms. And he ran on as fast as he could with his pants around his knees. Finally a check and he could see two separate paths, right into the woods. By the time he returned from those Falses, even the gimpy, limping Just Do Me Slowly had passed him on the bike path, ON TRUE TRAIL. Hey, Berts Special Friend. That is what Checks are for. To nail you front running bastards. But at the next Check we headed east on a narrow path and right under the rib cage of a brontosaurus that was unearthed by the last rains and floods. And right after this was the sticker bushes. There used to be a mishmash of narrow paths in the area. But the hare couldn't find them and ripped a lot of flesh off of his legs trying to get out of there. Only Just Do Me Slowly fared okay with long pants to spare her legs. Finally the trail came out into a picnic grove. At the other end was a path, wide enough to really get in a good run and Berts Special Friend was streaking to the front and leaving the pack behind. This trail goes on and on and there is no escape. Surrounded on both sides by a solid wall of those damn sticker bushes. It finally ended up at a check by a little steam heading into the river. And Son Of Spam headed right across the stream to follow the obvious marks on trees on the other side. False. The hare lies and there was a False on trail. Meanwhile the trail went over a bridge and along the stream and then to a path going around a huge picnic area. Nice running area as it eventually headed into a area with a different type of tree. Not as tall and clearings here and there. We finally came out to a path along the stream bed and a turn right across the stream. Everyone managed to cross this one dry, except Meat Insider again. Can't she walk on small logs. From here it was somewhat open running with Berts Special Friend and Lifa leaving the rest behind. Finally a narrow path with prairie grasses over running it and making marks almost impossible. This looped back to the west and along another stream bed. The leaders finally came to the easy path across the stream and the trail now was on a wide path going east and right past the following pack on the other side. So, they tried to outsmart the hare and just cross the stream. You guessed it, Meat Insider again fell in. And this time Just Do Me Slowly also fell in and was sinking fast in the shiggy and quick sand. But Son Of Spam came to the rescue and pulled them both out. From here is was a nice easy run on to the finish on a narrow but clear path to where they found the hare, relaxing in the shade of a tree with 24 ice cold beers. Make that 22. Lifa was so glad to get in, he raced to this shade tree and hugged it. I thought he was going to give the tree some wood, but his thirst brought him back to his senses. Eventually the whole pack made it is and we moved the circle into a cluster of trees where Horn-E started circle. Great fun and a good song by Lifa, and Son Of Spam was presented with his Bushman Bandanna. After circle we found a table and those with cars went for them. Son Of Spam brought out some peroggies. Lifa brought out a grill and we had some fantastic steaks and fresh lobsters and some fresh sail fish that Horn-E caught from the pond while they were running trail, and the usual pretzels, and of course more beer and we partied on for another two hours. They finally decided it was time to leave when Horn-E headed into the woods, supposedly to pee, but holding that fawn by the two rear legs was questionable. Hey, he's old. You get what you can get and after, you can eat the evidence. Fresh venison.

.....Well, that might have happened. Actually it was a 90 minute run through some beautiful woods and green nature with actual deer sightings. Food and beer were great and we did hang out late.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash Number 300, May 25, 2013 by Horn-E

.....We did this one in coordination with a Chicago Hash in the afternoon. First they had their hash around 2:30 with multiple beer stops ending in the backyard of Chunder Pussy and Back Door County. A circle was held and then grub was served. We held back on the Chicago Full Moon Hash until 8:00 so that the hounds could get a little grub. Burgers were promised for after our hash.

.....Being medically handicaped and not really able to lay trail, Horn-E asked for a volunteer hare and Son Of Spam stood up and laid a trail for us. Then he went and got us some beer for a beer stop. Thanks, Son Of Spam.

.....The pack took off at 8:00 after a short chalk talk by Son Of Spam with 12 hounds. Somewhere along the way Hooch B4 Cooch dropped out. All right, he is coming off an injury. The rest ran on while the co-hare, Horn-E, walked over to the beer stop under I 94. And that was the best we could get out of that old fart. Can't say what happened on trail , but I did here one story. SnatchSquatch and Taste The Rainbow were watching some hounds running off to the east. They weren't On and SnatchSquatch turned to Taste The Rainbow only to discover Taste The Rainbow just ran off leaving SnatchSquatch scratching his nuts.

.....Meanwhile Horn-E gets to the B and stands around. Getting tired, he sits on the twelve pack, pulls his hood over his head and leans against the barrier holding up the highway. Suddenly, along comes 59 Minutes Left Wanna Talk comes running under the Expressway, seeing Horn-E, he panics and climbs over the concrete wall to avoid disturbing some possible deranged homeless person. He proceeded around the Beer Stop before Weird Al Spankovich calls him back. Its only the hairy hare. And all was finally good. Beer cures all. And the rest of the pack comes in one at a time, Just Jinson, Late Cuming Prick, Snotcho Mama, Mr. Ed, Mrs Ed, and Berts Special Friend. Oh, and SnatchSquatch and Taste The Rainbow.

.....We held a quick Chicago Full Moon circle in Moon Hash style, introducing the visitors to our special circle. As we finished the beer, we headed back a block to the On On On where we could grab a hamburger and get back into the on going party. And this old fart headed on home.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash Apr 26, 2013 by The Son Of Spam

On Friday night, Son of Spam laid a damn fine trail out of The Beaumont for the 299th Full Moon Hash. The weather was gorgeous and there was excitement in the air.

Bert's Special Friend arrived at the bar with Just Mary and Just Chris, his sister and brother-in-law from Philadelphia. Inside the bar was a nice, cold pitcher, a beautiful sight after a full day of drinking. Just Sean, Just Jinsun, Just Michelle, Just Rachel, and Self-Satisfier were already inside partaking from the lovely beverage.

Just Paul, Just Do Me Slowly, Snotcho Mama, Are They Real, and Crotch Fire ended up filtering into the bar prior to the start of Chalk Talk. Typically, trail commences at 7:30PM, but we all felt like someone was still missing - Horn-E. With a pitcher of beer still on the table, we figured there was no harm in waiting until 7:45PM for the Grand Moonie himself. Unfortunately, Horn-E was unable to show - he just had surgery on Tuesday and was still recovering. However, the hash continued.

With six virgins and one transplant, we needed a good, thorough chalk talk. Well, we didn't get it. If trail was going to suck, it was off to a good start. The sidewalk outside the bar was narrow and with the weather being so perfect, many pedestrians were using the sidewalk, causing Son of Spam to be interrupted often.

After about five full minutes, chalk talk had finally concluded and we were all on on to the east, towards Oz Park. Trail led straight over the hill, always a joy to run. Crotch Fire, Just Paul, Just Sean, Snotcho Mama, and Bert's Special Friend took turns leading the pack through Lincoln Park High School. Despite Bert's Special Friend promising to stick around with Just Mary and Just Chris, he left them in the dust in the back of the pack. Just Jinsun, Just Michelle, Just Rachel, and Self-Satisfier stuck together in close little pack, seemingly timing each stride with synchronicity. Just Do Me Slowly wasn't far behind and Son of Spam and Are They Real walked trail short-cutting along the way.

After Oz Park, trail led south through a nice little neighborhood in Lincoln Park. We zigzagged north and south, proceeding slowly to the west, seeing many beautiful little homes as we ran. A circle jerk had kept the pack together for a while, but the pack was starting to string out, when the front running bastards (FRBs) came across a well placed check. Just Sean, Snotcho Mama, Just Paul, Bert's Special Friend, and Crotch Fire scattered in hopes of finding true trail. Bert's Special Friend proceeded due north, calling out one, two, but never finding a third mark. He turned around letting Just Sean know that due north was a false trail. Most of the other runners sat at the check waiting, hoping others would fine true trail. Most were new to the game and were afraid of losing the pack or getting lost. Bert's Special Friend retreated back to the check and proceeded west. He saw one straight, two around a corner, and found Crotch Fire. Crotch Fire was on on. Since he was a two blocks west and one block north of the check, no one could hear him call On On. Bert's Special Friend went back to the corner to let the pack know to follow, then sprinted ahead to follow Crotch Fire.

Still headed west, the hounds found themselves under the L, in an alley at a split. Crotch Fire headed left and Bert's Special Friend headed right. As Bert's Special Friend continued north, searching for a mark, he heard on-on. He turned around and saw most of the pack ahead of him. However, Just Mary and Just Chris were not in sight. They probably were with Son of Spam and Are They Real.

Under the L, the pack ran through some patches of shiggy and found themselves at another check. The runners scattered. Bert's Special Friend noticed a white glop on the sidewalk across the street and went to investigate - nothing, just some off-colored concrete. He then proceeded west. One-Two- On-On right by Epic Burger. Trail then headed north down an alley that led to an old industrial park. There was an old train track that was partially paved over. There was a shortage of decision points and Bert's Special Friend started to distance himself from the pack. Trail continued north adjacent to a scrap yard and an industrial plant. On-left through the scales of the scrap yard. The garage doors were open and the pack was able to see some of the machinery used to carry and crush the scrap. A couple of flour marks were needed through the scrap yard. It turned out the trail through the scrap yard was a circle jerk, but we right next to the river. It looked like an appealing location for a beer stop.

Back on trail, we were headed northwest over an old steel bridge when we found a check right on the bridge. Bert's Special Friend continued northwest, but found nothing. Crotch Fire and Just Paul checked the east side of the bridge and found marks headed southeast. Bert's Special Friend inspected an alley to the northeast, but nothing. On-on to the southeast. Still no sign of Just Mary and Just Chris.

Trail led due east for a while and the pack was running together. Just Do Me Slowly was running well. Now headed south, the trail led across the street. The pack timed the cross together and followed southeast to a split. To the right was a neighborhood, to the left was a dark grocery parking lot. Bert's Special Friend took a shot at exploring the grocery parking lot and found an arrow right behind the Redbox vending machine. On-On. On-Right behind the store. It was so dark. The pack then emerged to find themselves in a neighborhood and proceeding down a neighborhood street. Split - continuing straight on the neighborhood street or to the right down an alley? Bert's Special Friend shot down the alley. On-On. It was like him and the hare shared a house or something.

Trail continued down a few more alleys until it came across a check. About four miles into the trail, more runners lingered at the check than usual. Crotch Fire headed south. Bert's Special Friend headed for an alley. Just Sean and Just Paul headed north. Bert's Special Friend, Just Sean, and Just Paul returned to the check with nothing. No one had heard an On-on either. Bert's Special Friend raced south and found a mark. After a far distance, he found another. After another far distance, he found the third. On-on. He also saw Crotch Fire ahead in the distance.

Crotch Fire then found a Beer Near (BN). The pack was reinvigorated and raced towards the ice-cold beverage that they all love. Bert's Special Friend and Crotch Fire ran together east on Armitage and then south. A playground was up ahead with a nice, big Beer (B). They walked in the playground and found nothing. Then on the ground they saw an On-Right arrow. Son of Spam and Are They Real were sitting on a bench enjoying some whiskey. They were eager to greet Bert's Special Friend and Crotch Fire with a beer. Bert's Special Friend shotgunned his beer and Crotch Fire had a beer and a shot. Discussing the trail, they waited for the rest of the pack.

The pack came back and enjoyed beers of their own. Bert's Special Friend did not see Just Mary and Just Chris though. They were not at the beer stop with Son of Spam and Are They Real. They were not with the rest of the pack. They were not coming down the street. Where were they? He ran off on reverse trail to see if he could find them. About a half mile back, he found nothing and ran back to Beer Stop.

The crowd was still enjoying the Beer Stop and Just Mary and Just Chris were still not there. Son of Spam offered his assistance in finding the DFLs. Together, Son of Spam and Bert's Special Friend went back about a half mile and heard a whistle. Weird. Just Mary and Just Chris didn't have a whistle. A little further down the alley, they saw a hasher. If it wasn't the veteran mooner, Lower Wackoff. And behind him, Just Mary and Just Chris were walking. Bert's Special Friend went to go hug his long lost prodigal sister and brother-in-law. Son of Spam greeted Lower Wackoff. Just Mary and Just Chris had no idea Lower Wackoff was a hasher. And Lower Wackoff had passed Just Mary and Just Chris three times, not knowing they were hashers.

Together Bert's Special Friend, Son of Spam, Lower Wackoff, Just Mary, and Just Chris went to the beer stop to find Snotcho Mama laying trail back from the Beer Stop to the bar. The stragglers went back to the beer stop to enjoy a beer. Son of Spam went with the pack back to the bar and promised the pack a gift. After their beers, the stragglers wandered back to the bar to join the crowd.

Back at the bar, the hashers had begun pouring pitchers and ordering food. Outside of the hash, the bar was empty. Sparing the excess head in the pitchers, the bar provided the perfect hash environment. Crotch Fire had his right leg up on spare chair, apparently keeping his leg elevated as he injured his ankle on trail. Circle opened up with the hare passing out "Full Moon Hash" pins to all participants, a true token of appreciation for the hashers having run his shitty trail. With a young, inexperienced crowd, Are They Real, Snotcho Mama, and Lower Wackoff took the helm in the circle and led the hash in song.

Next, the hashers called out the hare for laying a shitty trail - too many decision points, not enough alleys, and too short of a trail. Then the "Justs" were called into the circle and we found out a little more about these new hashers. Only Just Paul and Just Do Me Slowly had hashed before. We quickly found out the Self-Satisfier had no qualms making others come and that Bert's Special Friend liked to come with a nice crowd, including family members. Incest is best after all.
After a couple more down downs, the hare was back in the circle. Crotch Fire was calling him out for laying such a shitty trail that it caused him to injure his ankle. Crotch Fire even had his own special down down drink for the hare - a nice quart of milk. The hare struggled, but eventually finished the quart after three entries into the circle.

Just Mary and Just Chris traded down downs with Lower Wackoff for not recognizing fellow hashers. The hare was called out for looking like Jason Segel. Bert's Special Friend was recognized for being a supposed co-hare, but backing out at the last minute. Horn-E, who was not present, was called out for not attending - the hare drank in his absence. The hare was called out, again, for misleading the hounds into believing that trail would be only three miles. Trail was closer to five miles. Just Rachel, Just Paul, and Self-Satisfier were given a down down for wearing new shoes that were all of the same design.

Then came the down down of the night from Lower Wackoff to Just Mary and Just Rachel - for having a strange obsession with Horn-E, a hasher that neither had ever met. It was truly a deserved down down for these two and a true deserved down down in honor of the Grand Moonie himself. Hopefully these two hashers will be on trail with Horn-E in the near future.

As circle concluded, debauchery continued. Just Mary, Just Chris, and Bert's Special Friend made repeated trips to the juke box, playing Local H and the Eurythmics. Just Mary and Bert's Special Friend also made their way to the dance floor for some good old fashioned family bonding. Other hashers started telling tales of previous trails in hopes of luring the virgins back to future hashes. Slowly hashers left and went their separate ways. The hash left in peace.

Just Mary, Just Chris, Just Jinsun, Son of Spam, Bert's Special Friend, and Doug (a friend who met at the bar after circle, but non-hasher) piled into Son of Spam's five-seated Pontiac Vibe. Just Chris made his way to the trunk and Bert's Special Friend hit Lake Shore Drive to make it down to the southside. During the ride home, all lauded Son of Spam's trail and thanked him for providing a hell of an evening.
As all hashers prepared for a deep slumber, the beautiful full moon was exposed in all of its glory. The next time it rears its exquisite glow, it will be Memorial Day weekend and the 300th Full Moon Hash. Here's to wishing the Grand Moonie a speedy recovery so that he may lay trail.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thristday Hash 18 Apr, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was laid from Double Bubble by Reverse Muff Diver and One Fuck Chuck. We had 18 trail hounds for this run with rain threatening and the rain came as soon as Chalk Talk was over. Damn. But it didn't last long. Just enough to get everyone wet. We headed west and then north and a Check at a Church. I followed Chippendale into a gangway behind the church for a very obvious trail. Not. But almost everyone followed. SnatchSquatch and Horn-E went back in front of the church where One Fuck Chuck was yelling On On for the opposite direction. We joined Are they Real, Famming Flaggot and Just Bof (a virgin) and Horn-E led to the east and north to a Triple Split where the following pack ran past Horn-E as he picked the wrong direction. Around the corner and at the end of the alley was a wine stop where everyone was already whinning about the marks. Horn-E and SnatchSquatch went on right away and Horn-E found trail after a Check into Loyola Campus. Trail headed right into the center of the campus and then headed to the lake and right, south along the lake where it exited the campus at dead man's curve on Sheridan. Horn-E is now all alone heading south on Sheridan, and south on Sheridan, and south on Sheridan with strong headwinds and then tail winds and they a little spray with the head winds. There was one short loop through a little park and along the lakefront before more southbound running on, Yes, on Sheridan. Finally there is a Triple Split at Thorndale and, and Horn-E got down on his wet knees and prayed to the hashing gods, long departed from these miserable city trails, that the trail would finally leave Sheridan Rd. He then got up and ran a block west and no marks. Damn. Returning on the other side of the street he saw the rest of the pack arriving. Chicken Stifer followed the way Horn-E went and he yelled that there were no marks. Naturally Chicken Stifer didn't listen and actually went further and actually found a hidden mark, across Kenmore and hidden on the handicap ramp behind the curbing. Damn. So we ran to Kenmore and south and Chicken Stifer was out of sight. Never saw him again, even at the On In. Horn-E was now passed some more FRBs Chippendale and Taste The Rainbow and a few others. And about then his ankle went out again. Damn. Even SnatchSquatch passed him as he managed to hang with these fast runners and leave Horn-E behind. We ran west to an alley and on south to Hollywood. Here some of us managed to spot the local wildlife. Damn coon. No, not that kind. A raccoon, running the alley and checking out the local garbage cans. There must be some real cheap garbage pickings because that was one real skinny coon. At Hollywood we headed west until a block past Broadway. Here was a Check and the trail was marked to go NW on Early. This went for two blocks and then a south turn and a Split. As Horn-E was returning from the wrong direction another group of hounds caught up. We looked for the other direction on that Split and Horn-E finally saw a mark well into an alley. Half a block and trail went through a fence and beer. About 5 minutes later, the back pack of hounds arrived and all were drinking.

.....After this we headed back to the bar. Chippendale took up a collection for three pizzas. Biggest damn pizzas I ever saw.

.....The Dark Kunt started circle. She changed her outfit from Crotch Candy to Nipple Candy and drank for that and the weather. That old Crotch Candy must have really smelled like twat sweat after two years and we asked Smells Like Twat Sweat to verify that, But that was one smell that Smells Like Twat Sweat wouldn't smell. We also gave the hares many a down down. And we met our virgins, JUST SARAH and Just Bof. And this was I think the first time we didn't give Famming Flaggot a down down as a visitor unless they did while I was disposing of some beer. Is he now accepted as an official TH3 hound? After the circle, the pack hung on for a bit. We did have two House Puppies, Hooch B4 Cooch and Snotcho Mama. The other Trail Hounds included Helen Keller Facial, Jizz Limit, Hoosier Daddy, W Jew 40, Just Brian #3, Roofie Ragu, Four Score In The Back Door, and Sir Fuck Wit.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash Apr 12, 2013 by Horn-E

.....We had two hares for this trail with Caught Red Headed and Just Do Me Slowly as we hashed out of Dino's again. As I entered the bar I was met by Soaked Arse from Copenhagen. Interesting. I mentioned two European hashers and he knew them. Then he mentioned one and I knew him. Our world of hashing is a small one indeed with friends all over the world. Finally the rest of the pack arrived, Lower Wackoff and Magnetic Muff. The hares held Chalk Talk and revealed that they don't remember where the hell they set trail, so they would be useless as sweeps. Good. We took off to the north for a couple of Splits and a loop and finally through a little school yard as we followed Horn-E. Then we had a Check and Soaked Arse took the lead to the north and it led to a Back Check and regrouped the pack. A block later we had a Triple Split. This time it was Horn-E who took the lead and led to a Check at Pratt. Horn-E went east and found a turn arrow to the north. Now these hares were already inconsistent with their marks, close and far apart, so Horn-E headed north a full block without any marks, but seeing a mark coming from the west. On. Meanwhile the pack did a loop before getting to this point. Heading west on Morse, Horn-E found another Check and after solving this, he returned to mark the Check and then he ended up following Soaked Arse in another loop and then east for a block. Here there was some confusion and Just Do Me Slowly pointed out the trail to Magnetic Muff who ran to a Split and went west. Not sure what happened here. Magnetic Muff was On, but didn't know it. Horn-E was off and did know it. Lower Wackoff didn't know what was happening and Soaked Arse finally found Horn-E two blocks away, while he was checking out a False from a Check on Sheridan. Trail went east to the beach and south. Horn-E went into a dead end alley and was fucked. No, not that way. This is Loyola, not Halsted. We finally reunited and after running an alley for two blocks and another Back Check, we got to a Check back on Sheridan. Now Horn-E is a smart ass and thinks he knows the trail has to go through Loyola. Fucked again. Returning to Sheridan, he joins Soaked Arse and Magnetic Muff on two marks to the south. But no more. So Horn-E heads into Loyola and finds a hidden arrow. I told you. This leads to a Split and another and we finally find Lower Wackoff returning from the second Split with nothing. He then leads us along the lakefront and as we exit Loyola, Soaked Arse takes the lead heading west on Sheridan. At a Split he heads straight and Horn-E heads south, only to find a BN. One split later we are heading west, across Broadway for a block and to the hares house. Damn, Horn-E got lucky at the end and is FRB again. Remember, we all led here and there. It is often a matter of just getting lucky at the last Split or Check.

.....Inside the house the hare was waiting with two six packs for the six of us and hot, hot dogs for the hounds and a horny male cat rubbing up on Lower Wackoff. From here we just walked back to the bar.

.....Circle started Full Moon style with ever flowing pitchers of Amber Bock beer thanks to the pouring of Just Do Me Slowly and we partied on for the latest On On of the year in Chicago as we didn't quit until almost 1:30. Small pack, good hash. Now, 'Stick your finger in your ring, tastes good', or 'Put a hot potato up your arse'.

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash Apr 13, 2013 by Horn-E

.....Or G and Gas Stop Bob were our hares out of Dugans. Now if you are familiar with the area you know that there are a lot of EW streets and NS streets and then many of whatever angle necessary to meet up with two angled streets, Milwaukee and Elston. We're definitely going to get fucked unless we stay on trail. We didn't. We had nine hounds, sort of. Two were given a walking trail to the beer stop. A virgin, Just Cary, and a visitor, Ice Box who knew the Ice Box that hashed in Chicago in the past. Meanwhile Horn-
E led the seven trail hounds across the street and through a parking lot. A quick change of leads with Happy Ass Grabber and Horn-E was back in the lead after several Splits into alleys and streets. We finally headed across Milwaukee and Elston. Chicken Stifer was heading north and completely off trail. We headed across Elston and into some alleys and Chicken Stifer rejoined us as we came to a Check. I'm not sure what happened here. Chicken Stifer and Horn-E were to the east and not On. Horn-E headed into an alley on a mark and when he returned, the pack was gone. The Check was marked in the opposite direction and so it was now all about catching up. Somehow we headed back across Milwaukee and into more angled side streets. Every Check and Split was marked, but I still had to do every one of those damn little loops. We headed west of Nagle and finally north of Devon. A short time later I spotted some of the pack in front. Several blocks away. Damn. Just keep running. More back and forth and good Checks. Damn hares. Finally I ran past Yacko's, a Moon Hash hang out. Later EZ On The Ass said that was as far as he got. Apparently behind everyone from that damn Check. Trail went west down an alley and the pack was now only a block and a half ahead. Suddenly Chicken Stifer passed me. Apparently he was doing what I did, but further back. We now went around an area of several cemeteries. Berts Special Friend was now a half block ahead after a Split. Ran west to Newark, a NS street going right through the middle of the Cemeteries. About 3/4 mile long road. Just Chris was leading along here. We finally hit a Triple Split and Just Chris headed east into the Cemetery. I could see Chicken Stifer ahead as he also headed into the cemetery, but before the spot were Just Chris did. A short cut? Nah!. Just Chris returned after not finding any marks. Chicken Stifer didn't and we didn't see him again until Sunday at the Chicago Hash. Bye. Meanwhile I kept plugging along and slowly gaining on the pack. I finally passed Just Do Me Slowly and the hare, Or G. At the end, we crossed Milwaukee and headed east on Touhy. They crossed Touhy and through a parking lot and finally into woods. I was now right behind them and at a biking path I was right behind the lead, Happy Ass Grabber. Then he seemed to get lost in the woods and we came back out on Touhy at a Split. Returning from the Split I was last again. Just Do Me Slowly was given a short cut to the beer stop and was gone. I followed the hare into the woods and was soon running through a dead body The poor deer thing. All deer bones. I grabbed a trophy thigh bone and ran On and soon passed the pack and led us out at Harts Road. Now we had to cross the river and here I took off into the woods over and through and around wet lands and over logs and such. We came out at a picnic area and a Check. Heading across the road through the picnic area, Horn-E found one mark and Happy Ass Grabber found more and we were On but at a split. Happy Ass Grabber was On to the right and Horn-E was coming towards him when he spotted marks going south in the woods. This came out in a large picnic area and a Check. Horn-E was On One. On Two, And Berts Special Friend was On Three. They ran south along a bike path and passed a picnic shelter, and the beer stop. But we didn't recognize anyone there and ran on in a big loop around the beer stop while they all laughed at us. This led us into wet lands, still dry, as Horn-E led through tiny paths and such, On into woods, and we finally lost it. Berts Special Friend found it and out into picnic grounds and a Split. Berts Special Friend headed west so Horn-E headed east and there was the short cutters and hares waving to us. So we both walked in together. Shared FRB and Horn-E made it three hashes in a row. Damn tired.

.....We dipped into the no peek beer stop and I ended up with Steel Reserve. As thirsty as I was, it wasn't bad. Just Chris got stuck with the Clamato. Ugh. And some got some good ones. Eventually, the hare gave us all nice bright yellow Big Dog long sleeve shirts as his birthday gift to us that made it. After we got cold, we finally headed back to the bar where EZ On The Ass was waiting. We held a Big Dog circle and all was good. Bloody Thighs turned up in her walker and joined us. We managed to get around to naming Just Chris and he shall forever be known as Son On Spam. And Bloody Thighs was finally my ride home were I could collapse. Good time and "It's About The Trail".

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash Apr 14 , 2013 by Horn-E

.....That Thing That Vibrates and Just Brian #3 laid this trail out of Parrot's. There was fifteenTrail Hounds at the start with Jizz Limit just arriving to make 16. And we were soon off to the west after the worst Chalk Talk this year by Just Brian #3. After a Triple Split we were heading west around the north side of the hospital. After three days of being FRB, there was no way it was happening again. Running dead last after just a few blocks and getting tired already. Hey, I'm old. So who was leading? I have no idea. We went south on Sheffield and then to the west a bit. Crossing Diversey I was right behind Just Mike as we headed into an alley going south. Suddenly Chicken Stifer goes running by, bitching because I wasn't blowing my horn. Huh. If you weren't ranging all over, you'd be in front of me like everyone else. But whatever. At LIncoln and Sheffield we had another Check. I always head out on Checks and I headed into the park. Meanwhile trail goes west on Wrightwood and soon the trail is found heading south through the same park and I exit the park running second and blowing my horn for the pack. Rusty Grundle immediately passes and so does a lot of others. We head south to Fullerton and east to Kenwood. Now it gets interesting. Going down Kenwood, the trail goes through a campus building and out into this mall between buildings heading south. I'm almost dead last again, already. This goes south to Webster and the pack is disappearing again, going west. A short block to the west and the pack heads into a small park. Thinking it would go through to the other side, I run to the next street to see if I could see where the pack went. Screw up. They didn't cross the park and go to the next street. They just made a little loop and back out and heading north. Meanwhile Chicken Stifer follows and passes me. Just Mike is following. At Racine and Belden we have no marks. So I head to the east to check if they did the little loop that they did. They did. I see an arrow to the south, pointing north. I blow the horn for Chicken Stifer and Just Mike and head north, just missing a turn mark to the east as I was blowing the horn. Ooops. So they go east on trail and I go north off trail. Finally I return and find the missed arrow. Damn. From here, the trail successfully looped the previous trail (well laid) and they hid the marks well to fuck up short cutters. But with that, I kept missing hidden marks while navigating the afternoon crowds. Back and forth and finally On again heading east to Bissell and south to Webster. Now here I screw up again. Heading east there is another Check with a BN on it. But the sweep, Just Brian #3 marked the trail straight west on the north side of the street. But it actually went straight west on the south side of the street. Another loop around the block before I'm on again and this is right into Oz Park where the pack is waiting. DFL. Not. Actually, Jizz Limit showed up after we left and that made him DFL.

.....The pack then ran on for the second beer stop. All of them except me. I sort of walked and ran with Just Brian #3. At the first Check we had to hold off marking the Check for Berts Special Friend, in the wrong direction again. Then through some neighborhood streets and over to Clark at Deming. Up Clark and eventually to a Check at Diversey. We don't see anyone so Just Brian #3 marks the Check and as we cross the street we see Taste The Rainbow returning from north on Clark. We point out the correct way and he is gone. Yeah, really gone. One Split and he is behind us as the trail goes straight north on Broadway. Now here it gets screwed up. Just Brian #3 doesn't remember exactly where the trail crossed Broadway and he eventually sends me straight west on Barry where their was a turn mark. Well, this also screwed up Taste The Rainbow and he ran back and forth trying to find trail. So I run On to Clark, north a block, west to Sheffield, south a block and there is the pack in an alley under the EL. And shortly after, Taste The Rainbow comes in, DFL. I got lucky twice on this trail.

.....Back at the bar we ran into a few House Puppies, TampOn TampOff, Clark Kunt and Glitter Spitter. Taste The Rainbow leads the circle, we are drinking beer and all is finally good. Others on trail included Dr. Fudge Knuuckles, Specklebird, Sandy Syphilis, Reverse Muff Diver, Hidden Panda, False Advertising, Its Too Soft, Just Brenden, and Roofie Ragu.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 4/11/2013 by Horn-E

.....We had nineteen hounds at the start of this trail set by Slippery Fingers who then went home sick after laying this sick trail. He had a co hare in Fire In The Hole who tried to drag this trail out of the hole by going over it and relaying parts with some fresh flour only to be waiting for us at the beer stop. Well done. All right, it wasn't as bad as I'm alleging, but there were a few touchy spots along trail that had the pack stuck for a bit. We headed south and into an alley right at the start and a Check at a T. But Rusty Grundle proved that all that time he wasn't running this year didn't leave him rusty as he found trail to the west on Belden. This led into an alley and through some housing complex and finally breaking out into Oz Park for a Check in the grass. Horn-E was pulling up the rear as usual and found the pack scattered as he entered the park. While the usual Check Hangers were on a path in the middle, some were seen along Webster and not finding anything. So I headed south through the park and a few bimbos followed. Suddenly we heard On Two, but I didn't know where it came from. Then we hear On On and the bimbos lead me out of the park down Howe, through an alley and west on Armitage. Then the pack is heading south on Orchard. This is one of those long blocks that is two long blocks long. The pack found one more mark and then nothing. WTF. So Horn-E goes back to Armitage and confirms that there is a turn arrow there. Meanwhile everyone is just hanging around talking to some residents. No way to find trail that way. So Horn-E heads on south. Someone had to go to the end and check for a mark. He passes the returning Jizz Limit on the way and he says he went to the end. Well, we aren't getting anywhere, so I go on and find a mark in an alley near the end of the block. Blowing the horn, the pack takes off and so do I. At the next block is a check. Heading into the next alley I find, one, two and finally a third arrow all the way over on Larrabee, across the street. WTF. Turning to blow the horn I see Roofie Ragu heading south and blowing the horn stops him and the pack is soon following. One block west on Menomonee is another Check. I went west without any marks. But looking back, I could see the pack heading south. So I parallel south and there is suddenly a False. Going further south I find the Split and head through a gangway to another Split. Headed back north, but didn't see any marks. Headed south to Eugenie and again, no marks, but the following pack is one block over and I blow the horn, but no one follows. So I return to the north and see someone running by yelling On, followed by That Thing That Vibrates. So I follow and we have another check at the next corner. I head east across Sedgwick on Menomonee. It was two more blocks before finding a third arrow and blow the horn. Now there is a Triple Split and I pick right, right. Then there is a turn arrow onto Willow, but I can't find the next arrow after going a whole block to the east. Returning on the other side of the street, the pack is now following in my footsteps. I yell that there are no marks, but no one wants to believe me until I find a hidden mark, behind a post and heading south. We now head south to Eugenie and then east. Definitely On, but a long way and no marks, I cross Wells and finally our visitor Hair Country passes me with several others right behind him. I get a break from leading for a half a block and we finally find another mark and head to a Check at LaSalle. And here is the park. Hair Country heads north, but I'm thinking that we have to go into the park across the street. I head into the park on the north side of W. LaSalle Dr. and find nothing. Lifa is on the south side of the street and yells On One. I head for the tunnel in case he is on a trail that goes through the tunnel. No marks. I look a little farther and miss a mark because of the glare of the wet paths. Heading back along the road I see Hair Country heading my way and let him know I have nothing. Then someone is yelling On or whatever and I see the pack heading west and on the south side of the street. Hanging around by the road, it is obvious no one is really on anything. I'm thinking, Lifa headed that way and the trail could have gone to the lakefront and then back over the pedestrian overpass so I head through the grass a little and there is that mark I previously missed, coming from the eastern tunnel under La Salle Dr. I blow the horn and I'm on. I find another mark and all is good, but there is a Split in the path and no marks there. WTF. I pick the wrong direction heading to the monument on the hill. Nothing. Heading back I run into the following Lifa. We head back towards the other paths to the west a little and I manage to spot a mark on a lower path. Running through some shiggy I'm back On and pass a T and E split. Heading on E, I follow along slippery board paths past another Split and along the waters edge. Nothing. So I range up about fifty feet to the path along the Zoo and here comes Lifa blowing his whistle. He then spots a BN. Heading across a bridge I spot a Split and I get lucky picking the right path. Again I come to a fork in the path that is unmarked, but after that last one I keep going and soon I found another mark. This headed north on paths and after a hundred yards is a B into a tunnel and there is Fire In The Hole sitting on a cooler. And right after me comes the following pack.

.....Now we all know I'm not that fast anymore, if I ever really was fast. But the real thrill in hashing is finding the trail and leading, if only until some faster hasher passes you. As such, I almost never stand around at Checks or Splits. You will never find trail that way. It is about taking a chance. Sometimes you win and solve a Check. Often you end up in back playing catchup or looking for a short cut to get back with the pack. But finding that mark is the thrill. Finding two in one trail is really good. The faster runners, and/or more adventurous runners are out there all the time, like Sandy Syphillis, Lifa, Roofie Ragu, and our visitor, Hair Country. But there is no reason some of the others can't get lucky once in a while. But it is seldom when taking a chance works so well, so often, for a slower runner like myself as it did on this night. It really felt great. And who was DFL. Roofie Ragu. He got caught struggling, looking for a mark on the south of LaSalle Dr and never really found it. But he gets out there and tries, and often is FRB. So, get out there and try. Maybe next time it will be you that gets FRB. It feels good for an old slug like me.

.....Back at the bar Little Trojan Annie was waiting with a cup of beer as we arrived. She soon held circle and finished with the seven days of hashing. In between we welcomed our visitors, Hair Country, Canadian Raper Leaves, Kibbles And Shit and Lapizon My Face. I probably butchered that. Other hounds on trail included Urine Love, Mommy Strangelove, Reverse Muff Diver, Keyless Entry, Just Brian #3, and Drill in My Box. Other house puppies included Its Too Soft, Ice Capades and W Jew 40. Now, get out and hash and take a chance.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Ho Hash Orphans Hash Sun 31 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....We set these things to make sure those who won't be off visiting family on a holiday, this time Easter, and have there hash family to spend time with. We used to get about 18 hashers in the past when we actually hashed on Easter, so that would indicate that a lot of hashers might be around. Well, I'm glad to hear a lot of you had somewhere to go and friends or family to spend Easter with. But for two Orphans, we had trail and a great beer stop. Horn-E laid this trail out of Atlantic and it was an easy trail for a pack of ten or more, but a little harder with a small pack. Just Mike did a damn good job of finding trail most of the time with one rough section when we crossed the river on Lawrence and had a Check by a little park. He searched everywhere, not knowing about the nature trail along the river's edge. But he had no trouble after that until another Check be a river. He did find trail to the BN, but that pointed across the river with no bridge in sight. Going back to a bridge he found more trail along the river where we had to scale a high wall, clinging to a fence, and edge along towards the river junction. About a hundred feet past the junction we had a beer stop, the longest in Chicago's history. We were there in the warm sun, telling tall tales and drinking beer for two hours while we watched the geese and ducks floating by on the river. We consumed most of the beer Horn-E got from what was found on the TH3 hash last week.

.....Back at the bar we settled into several pitchers of the good House Beer and dinner, finally leaving around eight.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash Thu Apr 4, 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was laid out of Beaumont's by Hooch B4 Cooch. I'd like to say this was a well laid trail, but I didn't run it when he laid it on Wed. By Thu, there were areas where marks were missing or very light. Like the first turn arrow. We had 22 hounds at the start and two late arrivals Barf Fly and Bare Back Mount Him that managed to find the beer stop. Something that not all starters managed. I almost missed it myself. We immediately turned west on Armitage and then after one block we headed south to Willow. Here we headed west to the El tracks where we did a little loop around the tracks and across Sheffield and over to Kenmore. Here we ran four, yes four, long blocks, a half mile straight north with two short Splits near the end. This put us at Belden in the De Paul area. The leaders missed the Check there and at the next corner, with no marks, they returned to the south where Lifa spotted the faded Check just as I arrived. I heard later that Chunder Pussy and SnatchSquatch just headed east thinking Oz Park and never looked back. They were soooo right. So I headed west on the south side of the street and Back Door County was on the north side. We saw nothing. I even went another block on both sides and saw nothing. I returned to Kenmore and headed north and found one mark. Then I saw Chicken Stifer cross the street and head to the corner ahead of me. At the corner he didn't indicate anything and suddenly headed west. Never saw him again until we got back to the bar. So I headed over to Sheffield and found nothing up to Fullerton. Returning I found a turn mark heading south on Belden. Nothing more on either side of the street all the way to Webster. Returning I found everyone gone, but the Check was marked very carefully with an absolutely straight arrow west. Three blocks later I didn't see a mark. On either side of the street and at all intersections. I quit about here. Apparently the trail went through De Paul and there was another Check near the El and I'm not sure what else. I figured I'd just head to Oz Park, do a loop and see if there was a beer stop there. If not, I'd just go back to the bar. Well at the far east of the park I hadn't seen anything and headed into the park. Spotted Roofie Ragu who said he was On. What he was On was a False from a hidden Check behind a statue that he missed. So we spread out and Roofie Ragu found a mark at the SE corner of the park heading south. A real clear mark. WTF. From here on we found marks that looked freshly laid. At Armitage there was a Triple Split which allowed Horn-E to take the lead heading south. After a block there was a turn onto Wisconsin and there was the pack waiting at a beer stop. And we weren't last as another 6 or so finally came on in.

.....Back at the bar Horn-E got beer flowing while Drill In My Box kept collecting money from the late arrivals and the House Puppies. Then One Fuck Chuck started circle. All right, not bad bad, but not good. But he is learning and getting better, and kept control for the most part. He didn't repeat a song, but messed up a few. He'll get better. Hooch B4 Cooch got plenty of Down Downs. And the De Paul Field Hockey team or whatever they were, got out shouted by the hash leaving them wondering if they would be like us when they got older. There was finally a six pack of us finishing off beer after midnight, so a good party. Who were the rest of the hounds on trail? O'Shitty Runch, Mommy Strangelove, TampOn TampOff, Reverse Muff Diver, Hood Whorenament, Jizz Limit, Mount Schwiiinga, Sandy Syphilis, Poultry Fucker, Urine Love, Just Robert, and Foamy Discharge. the House Puppies were R-Tard-E, Slippery Fingers, Rusty Grundle and Its Too Soft.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 27 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of Carys by Horn-E. We had 5 hounds show up and they got a good run through streets and smells that were something out of the Middle East. We headed through an alley and to our first Check at Western. As usual Berts Special Friend was off in the wrong direction when Lower Wackoff found trail in the opposite direction, north on Western. One block west of Western is the next Check and a very obvious set of two marks heading to this huge park. Got the bastards. Trail went the other way and finally Berts Special Friend found trail and it led back north towards Devon. Just Chris was following and finally Lower Wackoff, Just Do Me Slowly and Caught Red Headed casually walking along. And they walked most of the damn course, or so it seemed. From here, the trail went through an alley where Berts Special Friend got off in the wrong way again on a Split. So Just Chris led to the next Check on Western and got stuck on a long False to the south. So we are now off to the east running side streets and we nailed Berts Special Friend on a Back Check where he ran off on the wrong street with the walkers following. What? But they were soon back on course and heading east where Lower Wackoff solved the next Check through an alley. From here we had several Splits and caught several front runners before trail went over a fence and through a park and still east to a Check. Is this heading to the hares place for a beer. Not likely. Trail reversed course here and headed to another Check at Devon. Lower Wackoff really got off trail here, but the rest were soon on course west to Ridge and then north. The next Check caused them a bit of trouble, but eventually they were in a park running around a golf course. But all beautiful trails have to end and they were soon heading north into city streets and a Check. That bastard hare got them again and finally they returned to that beautiful park. And another Check. Lower Wackoff found this trail and had everyone following him when he found that dreaded F. Damn hare. So off they went into the park and the hare is hearing calls in the park below while drinking on a high sledding hill. Finally Berts Special Friend comes up to the hill and starts up. Let me tell you, he is no Walter Payton. I thought I'd have to throw him a rope to pull him up the hill. But all was soon good as a six pack of hashers finished off a six pack of PBR 16s.

.....From here we walked back to the bar. There was an uninteresting basketball game on the TV between La Hot or something like that and a battered Los Bulls who were kicking ass on the bigger better team. And then we almost had a WWF mixed tag team match, featuring two fat guys defending to fat bumbos. In between we managed to finish off about four pitchers of beer and hold a nice circle and have a good time singing and telling tall tales about short Harrietts.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 28 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was out of The Dark Horse hared by Bloody Brown Castle and virgin hare Helen Keller Facial. We had 17 hounds start out on this trail and were soon at a Check about two blocks away. Horn-E headed west as One Fuck Chuck was already returning saying he only had two. Well, no one else had anything so I yelled to him that we should go back and find the third arrow. We did and we were off with the pack about two short blocks behind. Horn-E was trying desperately to keep One Fuck Chuck in sight through a couple of turns. Finally Sandy Syphilis passed Horn-E and he got a break and almost the whole pack passed him and ran to the second Check. This time Horn-E was off in the wrong direction as the trail was found to the west. Upon returning, the slowly chugging W Jew 40 came along saying he was desperately trying to keep SnatchSquatch in sight. We walked a bit and suddenly the pack was out of sight. All right, I'm not that fast and I didn't see my catching them so I just walked and talked with W Jew 40. Trail was being swept and we were able to follow along okay. We had one Check that was marked east, sort of, and wasn't. But at Southport we decided to range north and there was a mark. Back on again. Finally the Checks and Splits weren't marked anymore and every time we got off course, we would stumble right back on. Finally at Irving Park we said, fugetaboutit. That was more north and we figured we were so far back it was time to return. We followed along the El tracks and figured out that there would probably be a Check behind Bloody Brown Castle's place, as usual.

.....Not. But yes. Now this is hard to believe. Suddenly we see on one of the El pylons, about six Guinness cans, full. And two twelve packs and a case, ripped open. And full of beer. And a lot of good beers. So now we are figuring that somehow we beat the pack to the beer stop. But no B marked. And they weren't there before us because there were no empties, just about 50 full good beers. We opened a couple of Goose Island beers and waited for something, anything to happen. Finally a few texts and phone calls and we found out that the pack was back in the bar. This was not a beer stop. And we weren't leaving fifty good, cold beers behind. So we brought them back to the bar. We intended to split it up, a case and a half for CH3's Sat trail and a half case for the Orphans hash beer stop on Sun.

.....Back at the bar we were hearing of how horrible the trail was from everyone. Well, it did seem to have a lot of long straights and we missed a lot of trail. The Dark Kunt went and found two bottles of milk for the hares in the circle. Helen Keller Facial got his, and reluctantly started to drink and finished it. Just don't stand in front of him or you might get a spontaneous Helen Keller Facial. Bloody Brown Castle absolutely refused to drink his. So the RA cut him off from hash beer. And the circle went on with the usual shit. Mid circle, Berts Special Friend and Just Chris arrived. They arrived a half hour late, ran the course that was swept and on into the part of the course that wasn't and finally made it in. After circle was over we drank on and on and on. Suddenly Bloody Brown Castle is over by our beer stash and I thought he was giving W Jew 40 a ride home with his case and a half. I took my share and suddenly Bloody Brown Castle was gone with the beer. And W Jew 40 came by and wondered where was the beer. Well, Bloody Brown Castle, where is his beer? After that we drank on into the night. It was at least 1AM when I left and there was still five hounds drinking beer. Well, the trail might have sucked a bit, or a lot, but the party was good.

.....Others on trail included Just Mike, Hoosier Daddy, Mommy Strangelove, Urine Love, TampOn TampOff, Cunt Put, Drill In My Box, False Advertising, Hood Whorenament and Just Brian. There were several house puppies including Ginger Snatch, Ice Princess and Barf Fly.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 16 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....Set by Just Brendan and Clark Kunt out of Moe's. We had nineteen hounds set to chase these two on a live trail. After the Dark Kunt gave a chalk talk, we were off to the north on Milwaukee to a Check in a block. We could already see we would have trouble finding marks because of instead of big arrows, we had little chalk lines. But Chicken Stifer found marks on a angled street heading south west and then eventually south to Diversey and a Check. Horn-E and Chicken Stifer headed south checking and trail was found to the east. We ran parallel in an alley. After two blocks we saw Jizz Limit heading south from a Split. But trail was called east again and I again headed east in the alley with Jizz Limit following. Never saw Chicken Stifer again until the beer stop. Trail eventually headed north and then over to Milwaukee and back to Diversey for a Check. This took quite a while before trail was finally found to the south. I was east with Sir Fuckwit who didn't know NSEW from SEWN, but I directed us in a shortcut into an alley and an angle street and soon we were running south and the pack came out of an alley in front of us. There was a Split here, but I saw TampOn TampOff running south and then east yelling On. We followed. It led to Logan Square and I headed to the monument while hashers ran around to the north doing a loop around the monument. I had no marks so I checked with One Chuck Fuck. He said we had a Check at the entrance to the Blue Line subway. But no one found anything after that. Someone finally said that TampOn TampOff had a False coming out of the subway. Meanwhile about six of us are running around looking for marks. We ran through the subway and found arrows but no Check. We ran in circles some more. Finally someone saw that False. So everyone finally figured out that we had to go back to that last Split. Back in the old days, with Chicago's traditional marks, False always meant go back to Check. Back Check meant go back to a Split or look along trail for a mark we missed. Somehow, over time, hashers started turning False into go back to Split or Check. The old way might have been less confusing here. At least for this band of hounds. Whatever. We were soon back On trail and heading south for a block as I followed Sir Fuckwit, One Fuck Chuck Fuck, Sandy Syphilis, Chunder Pussy and a few others. Trail then headed east across Kedzie Blvd. Running last, I got caught by traffic and Chunder Pussy was the last hasher I saw on trail. I ran on and on never quite getting to a point where I might see the pack ahead. Ran through two Shot Stops and they were gone. Thanks to Drill In My Box for taking a tiny bit of drywall and marking almost all of the Splits and Checks I was able to keep going until I finally spotted the beer stop, just as some were already leaving. Dead last. I grabbed a beer. Suddenly I saw W Jew 40 and Little Trojan Annie coming along the street. They must have been about two or three blocks behind me. But they did better then Foamy Discharge. She was told where the beer stop was and still missed it.

.....Back at the bar we found a crowd. So we headed into a back storage room and held circle there. Shows that it doesn't take much to keep a hasher happy besides beer and songs. A lively circle was held and then we named Just Brendan. Usual questions and stuff and finally we came up with Bar Back Mount Him. And so it will be, for ever more. After the beer ran out, we headed down the street for $1.50 Margaritas and Mex grub. Well after midnight there was still over ten eating and drinking. Good time. Others on trail included, False Advertising, Urine Love, Poultry Fucker, Back Door County, Monkey Seman Monkey Do, and String Theory. The House Puppies included O'Shitty Runch, Fire In The Hole, Slippery fingers, Ice Princess, Its Too Soft, Hidden Panda, Just Grace, Hooch B4 Cooch and Ball Cock Dumper.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash 16 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....Beautiful day for a hash out of Cumberland And Irving Park. And I got there early for once. Good thing because weather pulls its tricks, especially in the woods. Like slippery paths to slick to run on at the beginning and end of the trail and a river over flood stage. But the weather was in the low 30s. Not bad.

.....I had hinted that this trail would go in a different direction then normal, meaning the north section of the woods. Or maybe not. Maybe the golf course that is only accessible during the winter. So I was running trail fairly west in the south section of woods towards a goal of the far Northwest end of that section for a good False for anyone who might be thinking North. On the way I laid a Check in deep woods with a two mark False going south to a lowland, wetland area. This was almost my downfall. After the next Check the idea was to take the trail along a wide path along the river and over a bridge. Unfortunately, the river was up. Oops. Shit. The bridge was underwater. Cold water. Back Check. Now I have to find a path along the wetlands area and right past that False I mentioned. As I'm going along the trail, there it is right ahead of me. So I skipped marking for a long bit on the path and returned to that two mark False. People hit a two mark False and what do they do? Range. So I made three marks and then an F. Hopefully they would just go right back and they did. But later on that. It worked.

.....Later I had other problems at the golf course. Water again. First hole in the fence led to cold water about mid calf deep. Skip that. Go south and around the pond to near the entrance. After many marks I again hit a section where the river over ran the path. Back Check. Had to go east to a section where we could climb the fence.

.....Now to the hounds running the trail. I guess the weather and St. Patrick's day drinking and hangovers kept a lot away and we only had the real Bushman, Or G and Lifa and our Bush Babe, Just Do Me Slowly. We headed into the woods to the south and after a bit of slippery trail we came to an open field, heading south following Lifa. Then we hit a main path going west and it was solid ice, caused by people walking on snow, melting and refreezing to an uneven slick mess. As soon as we got to a clearer area for running into the woods, trail went right into the bush. And there we found mostly solid ground or soft snow and Lifa was running away with the trail. We came to a little stream and crossed on the ice with wet edges that were hard for Just Do Me Slowly to get across. We're going to have to get her some stilts. On the other side of the stream, trail still headed mainly west to a Check at the bridge. Lifa was already long gone to the west and Or G was following so I had to blow the horn for Just Do Me Slowly so she could catch up. And that was easy because Lifa and Or G ran right past a Check without seeing it and couldn't find trail. Finally letting them know they were at a Check Lifa immediately headed south to that previously mentioned False. Worked great. He called On and then False and then returned. Meanwhile Just Do Me Slowly ran north and found trail and was off and running, leading the pack to the next Check in this big snow covered field. Or G went south into woods and a False. Just Do Me Slowly went west, found marks on the true trail but only got to two when Lifa called On. He had headed right to the long False near Irving Park. Naturally they all got there together. So they returned to this long wide path and headed south along the river and to my previously mentioned Back Check. So they looped back and found that path and right past that False. Damn, I got lucky and it worked. We now headed into the lowlands and jumped a small creek of running water and off to the south and along the main path I wanted to do all along. It was down a hill and under about eight feet of water. Finally we hit a dry spot and ran south to a Check. Just Do Me Slowly was again On and this time she led to the golf course where I had trouble laying trail. Meanwhile Lifa was ranging parallel and in the woods and came to the golf course fence. He found the hole. Leave it to Lifa to find a hole. He climbed over the fence and was off over some hills and across the fairways to the next Check. By the time I got there with Or G, Lifa was already checking to the south and then going in a big loop. Just Do Me Slowly followed him and then turned south on a shorter loop, looking at the trees for a mark. Just before she hit the first mark, she looked away. You just can't count on human nature like that. So they struggled until Lifa ranged far enough to find some marks and we were off and running. This went near the club house and across some more fairways and hills and rough until ten minutes later they entered some woods after a Split. Meanwhile Horn-E is short cutting across the fairways towards a herd of deer grazing on a green. He was just enough to scare them into the woods where the hounds would be coming. Meanwhile Lifa went right at the last Split and scared the deer back deeper into woods and Horn-E finished the job before some horny stag chased down Just Do Me Slowly. After here it was another hole in the fence and straight, sort of, to the beer on that same uneven slippery ice. When we got there, Lifa was already enjoying a Guinness. Yes, three different kinds of Guinness. We had several before we got cold and headed to that old standby, Heeney's. I had been out there about six hours and I know I was getting cold. We had a few more with some snacks and finally headed out into the night at about 6:15. Good days hashing.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 17 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....We hashed out of Double Bubble with Snotcho Mama haring and his co hare Bloody Brown Castle recovering from a hang over just walked to the beer stop with a virgin, Just Kathy. Nice choice. We had fifteen hounds at the start and picked up One Fuck Chuck on trail. So we took off to the east and down an alley by the tracks, through a gangway and north to a Check at Granville. The pack scattered and enough bought into the trail going north and were long gone. Someone found trail to the south in an alley and I followed Mommy Strangelove south. This led to going under a four plus one and further south to our next Check at Ardmore. This trail went east past dead man corner and out onto the beach following flour now. Unfortunately, windy days and flour on blowing sand don't mix. We found no flour. So Horn-E started running south on the beach and headed for a hole in a fence looking for pavement where there might be a drywall arrow. None all the way to Bryn Mawr. Looking back he saw runners heading towards a pedestrian tunnel under the outer drive. Somehow, around here, Horn-E missed the shot stop. Good, he doesn't do them anyway. Heading west on Hollywood he finally saw arrows going the way he just came from. Hmmm! Checking. Right. At the corner of Sheridan. So he headed west and found marks on the south side of the street. At an alley was a Split. going south he found nothing so at a parking lot he ran through it and west all the way past the El tracks. Nothing. Returning to that section of the alley just as Chicken Stifer was arriving, Horn-E found a mark a little further in the alley. We're off. Trail went south to Catalpa and west to Broadway for a Triple split and On west to Lakewood. By now Horn-E spotted a back pack arriving, being led by The KGB and blew the horn for them. Then we headed south for a block, a block west and back north to a Check at Ridge. By now Horn-E's old feet gave out and he lost the pack and had to walk back to the bar. About ten minutes later they started to wander on in. Beer started to flow and a circle was started. The virgins's, Just Kathy and Just Joe were introduced and a new transplant, False Advertising. After circle the beer continued flowing and the pack stayed for quite a bit. Finally Horn-E took advantage of the food in the bar, Corned Beef, cabbage and boiled potatoes. Let me tell you it was great. Other hounds on trail included Hoosier Daddy, Lifa, Reverse Muff Diver, Just Lizzy, Helen Keller Facial, Crotch Fire, Just Mike and Berts Special Friend.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash 12 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....What could go wrong? The old favorite hash bar, The Piano Man. Around 30 degrees with occasional light flurries and heavy winds so the snow, if any, wouldn't settle and cover marks. Use Drywall.

.....Upon arriving at the Piano Man, the bar was closed. Only open on Thu through Sat evenings. Huh. All right, make it work. find another bar. $12/Pitcher, $15/pitcher, $18/pitcher. WTF. Finally, four blocks south was another old hash bar, Blarney Stone and $8/pitcher. Great. Now to put a note by The Piano Man as to the new start location. Simple, run the hash by The Piano Man and put down a note then.

.....Back at the start, I grabbed a beer and waited. Finally Lifa arrived, just as the snow arrived. It looked like a hail storm coming through and everything melted as soon as it hit the ground. Marks? They wouldn't be good. Hell, they were out right bad. The worst I ever laid. There is no excuse, just bad reasons like I expected blowing flurries not melting snow. Then Berts Special Friend and Just Chris also arrived. And we were off. The marks were there, to barely there, to no freaking way could we see anything. What wasn't going to be a great run, but only barely adequate, turned into real shit. Thanks Horn-E.

.....I will say that the hounds tried hard. Very hard. They all took their turns leading, running past light, barely visible marks, running back to where the hare was waiting and cussing him as they ran by. We worked out way north through the Addison El Stop and through alleys and streets to the Piano Man. Around back and north to Irving Park and Southport and then south through some more alleys and to a bar called Newport for a beer stop. then a walk straight back to the Blarney Stone.

.....Circle was started Moon Style and we all got Down Downs especially that damn hare. Shit happens. when it does, you try to make the best of it and when something goes wrong that can't readily be corrected, you do your best and take the deserved shit for it. I stand accused. That were the worst marks I ever laid.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 14 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of Weeds by Mount Schwiiinga on her birthday on 3.14, pi to all you mathematicians. And there would be many pi Checks on trail, whatever that meant. She took off on a semi live trail and we were to take off at 7:45. After an attempt by Chunder Pussy to hold a chalk talk. we took off to the south with a pack of 25 hounds. Several blocks later we ran into another hound, Roofie Ragu who already ran trail. he arrived just after we left for the shag wagon and thought we were already gone. All right, it was a short trail. Anyhow we had a Check at Kingsbury. Lifa was on to the south and at the next street he found a Split. Horn-E got lucky here and spotted the mark in a parking lot and we were still going south on Kingsbury to another pi Check. We were scattered and someone called On to the south, but I saw Lifa and One Fuck Chuck heading east across Halsted and not stopping. Were they also On. I followed and there was a mark coming from the south on Halsted and crossing Halsted. So the trail was to close together and we were On while the main pack was off to the south. We entered into a community of homes that were dead end. I love prior knowledge. I saw Lifa running around this loop and so I checked the other side of the street and there was a mark coming back and heading north on Halsted. Damn, I'm in front. I blew the horn, but no one heard. I checked a Split through a hole in a fence, but nothing. Then on north and I'm On again to another Check at Clybourn. I spot an arrow to the south on Clybourn and checked it out with nothing. Upon returning I see the pack now heading for the Check. I then head into an area behind some stores and this is where trail actually went. But as I get to North Ave I turn and there is a False. Damn. So I head back and we start over running in all directions. I finally head back to Clybourn and that first arrow I saw. I ran about a block and a half with nothing. About then, I get a flash in my addled brain. Could that False I saw actually have been a pi on its side. Think about it. I ran back and sure enough, it was. Damn. Donny The Retard. By now I think a few hashers had gone past this to the east and were On to the beer stop. But I head across the street and under the El tracks and I find four hashers in the alley at a shot stop. I went back and blew the horn for the rest of the pack and some of us took off to the north without waiting. Sandy Syphilis led us out of the alley and to the east. A block and a half later at Orchard we had another Check. By now someone had found a huge inflated exercise ball and it was now more of a game of kicking the ball around. Horn-E and Just Robert finally headed off on the Check in the wrong direction and naturally the On call was the other way, back south to North. And they were kicking that ball all the way in the middle of the street. As I approached North I heard a bang. No, not a gun shot. A car crash. It seems as if the Man of Steel, Clark Kunt was running across North Ave, in the cross walk when a car stopped for him. Then a cab hit her and another car really back ended the cab. Ooops. I headed east and Bloody Brown Castle was on the other side of the street yelling On. From here we did a little loop into an alley and then straight east for a few blocks to the beer top. Mount Schwiiinga was waiting and buying bottles of Budweiser Black Crown beer. At $2 a pop she was a bit overwhelmed by the crowd of 26 hounds. After our beer it was a walk back to Weeds and past the car wreck. Then One Fuck Chuck and The Dark Kunt held circle and gave our hare her share of down downs. Then we met out visitor, Disco Ass from St. Louis. We also had two virgins, Just Robert and Just Lizzy from Philadelphia. Other hounds on trail included Back Door County, Drill In My Box, That Thing That Vibrates, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Jizz Limit, Chippendale, Foamy Discharge, Helen Keller Facial, String Theory, Glitter Spitter and Mommy Strangelove, There were several House Puppies, TampOn TampOff, Fire In The Hole, Slippery Fingers, Its Too Soft and Just Noga.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash 9 Mar 2012 by Horn-E

..... Set to start out of Irish Times in Brookfield at the Metra Stop. Hares were Just Chris, Berts Special Friend and Horn-E. Just Chris was all up for this trail that would run around Brookfield Zoo and the local woods. As a special thing he had a ton of good beers and cheap down down beers ready to go. The special beers were all animal related as we would hash around the zoo for the first time in years. Scape Goat, Moose Drool, Tusker, Werewolf and many more. Then along trail he drew pictures of animals everywhere. Well, they were supposed to be animals. We were ready for this zoo run. To bad no one else was and on a beautiful dry day with weather just about 32 degrees so melting snow wasn't a problem, even in the woods. But only Lifa showed. Pity. This was a good trail. And Lifa as usual is up for it. He ran about 8 miles and he likes long trails, so we were off. Lifa had a sweep following him everywhere, Berts Special Friend. Streets, tracks, woods, cross tracks, park, woods, streets, long False into the zoo parking lot, another Check from hell, streets, woods, streets and finally a beer stop. A good mix of trail. The beer stop was at the home of old time hashers, Dr, Chernobyl and Moon. Over twenty years since they had hashed. Horn-E ran into Dr. Chernobyl at the vets hospital last week and they live in Riverside, right next to Brookfield. They were glad to have a beer stop on their back porch. And we tasted some good beers. After that, Dr. Chernobyl and Moon who still run a lot, joined us as we ran another mile and a half to the finishing beer stop, in some more woods with a final circle. To get there we ran over to the Riverside Train Stop for a massive Check with about seven Falses and we could have laid more. Dr. Chernobyl and Moon finally left us to put on some more miles and we drank on in the woods. After this we walked along the tracks to a bar called At The Tracks were we had $7 pitchers and half price pizza. Good time. If you missed it, you missed it.

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash 10 Mar 2013 by Horn-E

.....We had a surprising turnout on a cold wet day with more rain expected. Twenty Hounds, two scheduled hares Mudsucker and Barf Fly and two last minute hares, Stab 'em & Slab 'em and Reverend Shut The Fuck Up. Mudsucker always seems to need extra help. Hey, it is a short trail.

.....As we left, the weather was nice and trail headed straight south. Unfortunately everyone ran next to this park instead of through it for a big loop. But the loop came out right were the main pack ran. But then they couldn't find a mark and started running west, Nothing there. Horn-E arrived about then and started to look to the south east and spotted a mark just as the ranging KGB was almost on it and he yelled On and Horn-E blew his horn and hashers came from everywhere converging on a gate to a street and then we headed south to 37th St. I was plodding along here with a visitor, Shamcock. Here we had a Check, I think, and we all seemed to regroup until someone found a mark under the tracks. This led to the next street and then straight north to 35th St. Here there apparently was a mark going west and everyone ran over to Mudsucker's for a beer stop. But there wasn't a beer stop there. At least not yet. Trail was supposed to go straight north passed 35th St. Lifa returned and finally found this and he and TampOn TampOff ran on with Horn-E following. Then came a T and E Split with E going straight into and across a lot. But apparently there were no more marks. Meanwhile Horn-E ran on north on the Turkey Trail with R-Tard-E following. At 33rd St there was a turn east and at an alley was the next mark, going straight east. But we saw Berts Special Friend heading down the alley yelling On. apparently there was a Back Check that we didn't see. From here things seemed to go to hell. Turn marks with nothing following, etc. We finally managed to approach a Check at an alley from the south. Hounds were off to the north on the street, Some went into the alley at a T and found a turn mark heading north. Okay so far, but no one is finding a third arrow. Horn-E finally goes through the alley over to the next street. As he gets there, Rhotan is seen running north on the other side of the street heading north and blowing his whistle. He was On, but how he got there is beyond anyone else. At the next alley was a turn and another at the T in the alley heading north. But nothing was found at the end of the block. Lifa did find a turn mark into an alley but nothing after that. We ranged a bit and at the next intersection Sandy Syphilis finally spotted a mark across the street and we were off again. From here we wandered over to Halsted and 30th St. Here is a park with many ball fields and the pack headed into the park. Unfortunately some missed a turn out of the park and came to another exit with a Back Check. Unfortunately the Back Check was coming from another direction. Ooops. And they were wandering around there, lost. Just Chris, Its Too Soft and Horn-E had just arrived at 30th St and Halsted about then. and the rain was just starting and eventually came down fairly steady. We started off on what we thought was a short cut to the west. suddenly the pack is heading back to the east and Its Too Soft was running on in an apparent wrong direction. The pack continued to the south on Halsted and about then the back pack of walkers was now heading north in Halsted. Just Chris and Horn-E followed and as we got to 29th St., Berts Special Friend came over this hill yelling he wasn't On. According to the visitor, Saigon Sally, apparently this part was well marked by Barf Fly and went to 27th St and then around a land fill park and back to that mysterious Back Check. From here we ran on Poplar street to the south, through a lot and eventually over to Throop and back north. Along here, Barf Fly, Stab 'em & Slab 'em and Reverend Shut The Fuck Up were sweeping and mainly directing everyone still out there towards Mudsucker's. Just Chris, Horn-E and Menage A Twat were pulling up the rear and while she ran on, the other two said fugetaboutit and just walked back to the bar getting soaked all the way. And as they arrived, the FRB from the beer stop, The KGB was already arriving.

.....We had a few House Puppies, Batteries Not Included, Calvin Klein and Visitors Nearly Castrated and Just Patty. Calvin Klein then led the circle. A small bar with a lot of locals so it was quite congested. The hares got many and many a down down. Lifa kept the beer flowing. We met our visitors. Other hounds on trail included Monkey Seman Monkey Do, Foamy Discharge, Just Julie, Rhotan, Poultry Fucker, O'Shitty Runch, and Helen Keller Facial. After the circle, hounds slowly left until there were about 13 hounds left and we drank until the beer ran out and we appointed, Foamy Discharge as GM of Second City Hash and Barf Fly was the late night R. A. We did have two really late arriving House Puppies, Taste The Rainbow and Ice Princess.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 3/7/2013 by Horn-E

.....The trail was set from the House of Jew and Furry Spice and Urine Love set the trail. I've seen less marks on trail, but it is hard to remember when. Actually that is because the trail was only a block or so long. It ended up in a field under the Blue Line El tracks where Urine Love was waiting with three 30 packs. Not a beer stop, but the finish and the start of a Beer MIle. Okay, not actually a hash but a fun run with lots of beer. It was to be a three legged race with random partners. While TampOn /TampOff and Just Roger had the best pit stops, they were beaten on the course by O'Shitty Runch and Helen Keller Facial. Coming in third was Back Door County and One Fuck Chuck. The most mismatched pair was Hoosier Daddy and Roofie Ragu. They finally ripped the fragile Duct Tape on their legs and there was no more, so Hoosier Daddy just picked up Roofie Ragu on his back and ran a quarter mile. For some reason Roofie Ragu refused his turn. Another pair that didn't do well was Pussy Foot and Mommy Strangelove as she refused to do a beer after her first loop. Ahhh, WTF. There were two other pairs pulling up the rear, Chunder Pussy and Jizz Limit and the two Harrietts, The Dark Kunt and Little Trojan Annie. There were four house puppies dragged out into the cold and made to stand around through it all and then the outdoor circle. They included Horn-E, Drill In My Box, Sorry I Swollowed and Just Grace. After circle that included many down downs for the winners and hares, we headed over to the House of Jew and settled into warmer beer. Well, not warmer, just in a warmer enviroment.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash 9 Feb 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was the 8th Annual Idiotarod Hash set by Happy Ass Grabber, this time out of his house. We had nineteen hounds (probably a Big Dog Record) ready for trail as we took off on a live trail through the Get Toe and abandoned factory zones and parks. In addition to a final beer stop, we were going to get about four or five mini beer stops of about two beers to pass around. A regroup for the pack before leaving. Yeah, like that works. We started out in the usual direction, NW, and got an immediate Check at Madison and Sacramento. After some effort, trail was found in the south in an alley. Soon we were heading east on Jackson, through a quick Check and On east. I was following along with the others in back, Its Too Soft, EZ On The Ass, (sweeping) Steve the Train Killer, Ice Princess and SnatchSquatch. And we did a lot of following all day until SnatchSquatch got lost and EZ On The Ass short cut some to the beer stop at the end. This led to a Check at Washtenaw. We went under some tracks and had another Check in this large empty field. To the south was out first beer stop, but we didn't find it. Meanwhile with the pack scattered everywhere, Lifa looped around this other empty field to the south and found a mark coming out of it. ON. This led under the tracks to the west and a quick Back Check that slowed down Lifa. Trail went over a foot bridge over the Eisenhower Expy. Another Check but quickly found and we headed south and then under the tracks to the west. Again, the damn hare caught the pack in a Back Check and Horn-E looked at the tracks and saw a mark leading the pack up to the tracks where Chunder Pussy took over the lead. A block or so later and trail went into a huge snow covered field and another Check. Local knowledge and a view of this slag hill by the tracks and I headed south along the tracks, Jizz Limit was ahead and he found marks at the next street, crossing the street and right up the hill. Beer Stop. We all gathered for the beer and view except SnatchSquatch who couldn't get up the hill. So he headed out looking for trail and didn't see trail or hashers for about an hour, going in circles over and over again looking for marks that the hare hadn't laid yet. He finally found a mark going in the wrong direction and was able to rejoin the pack. Meanwhile we started looking for trail. Lifa, Steve The Train Killer, Horn-E and Barf Fly were down on the nearby rail spur finding nothing. Finally one mark. Then a second leading into some nasty bushes, etc. But nothing. Barf Fly jumped over a fence and into a parking area to the south. With no one looking, Horn-E decided to stand like a man and while otherwise occupied, damn if he didn't spot the elusive third mark. Yelling on as soon as he was done, what was left of the pack converged on the rails above this nasty shiggy and while Horn-E climbed out of the shiggy, they were On to the south along the tracks. So there were the usual DFLs running and walking behind. We finally came out at 16th St. and a quick Check. Horn-E could see runners to the west and followed. At California we ran into Douglas Park and I could see the pack standing around at another beer stop. As I arrived Just Chris brought me a can to help finish. Needed that. And as the last three DFLs arrived we took off with everyone heading NW except Lifa and Horn-E who went around some low area with obvious water under slush. Staying in the snow didn't work and suddenly Horn-E was flat on his face stepping knee deep in a hole of freezing slush. Duh!. Learn to stay away from deep slush. But we went On and Lifa was soon On leading across Ogden and around the lagoon. I avoided the water this time and by the time we got half way through the park I could see TampOn TampOff and coming up behind me. While the trail weaved a little, we just followed Lifa and soon came out of the park at 12th Pl. and California. There were now a bunch of us and I headed east on 12th and after a block found marks heading north across Roosevelt. Several hounds were already ranging and ahead and now coming back. Another Back Check that worked. I followed Bert's Special Friend and Just Chris to a fence at California where some climbed the fence and Horn-E slid under with the Harriets. A block later and we were at a Check on Taylor. I'm guessing west and naturally trail went east. This is where SnatchSquatch finally rejoined the pack. Two blocks later and we're back at that damn hill for another beer check. I followed Back Door County up the hill and then back down and we headed east again to the next street and a Triple Split. We could see Mommy Strangelove and Barf Fly to the north and followed. This led us back to a Check just before the footbridge we previously crossed. I believe this is where a good portion of the pack Split off to the north over the footbridge thinking that on a live trail you can go back over former trail. We fucked up. Some meanwhile went west and found a Check at California just before the bridge over the Expressway. This led to the Beer Stop in a little park. Meanwhile the rest of us were lost. Horn-E checked to the west and never saw the pack again, running into On Out marks and going over that Check on Jackson all over again. Finally saying, 'I'm done', he walked back to the house and found Chunder Pussy waiting. Meanwhile those other lost hashers stumbled onto the first beer stop that was missed. Then they ran back to the house arriving a few minutes later. And right after that, the real beer stop crowd arrived. The hare waited a little longer at the beer stop before giving up on us. All that was missing was Taste The Rainbow who was still out working the trail. He arrived about 15 minutes later. The pack was now whole. Wild tales were being told. Trail averages were 7+ miles. Chili was being served and a Big Dog Circle was held. All was good and there were many good beers to be had along with cheap down down beer. Then as she left, Foamy Discharge found she had a flat tire. Much thanks to Chunder Pussy for changing her tire. I finally left getting a ride back to the El from R-Tard-E along with Furry Spice.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 10 Feb 2013 by Horn-E

.....This trail was out of Ravens and set by Sandy Syphilis and Foamy Discharge. It rained. Would there be any kind of good marks. Well, the girls gave everyone a lesson on how to lay marks in the rain. Piles of flour or thick strips. Every mark was there and very visible. And they used white flour mostly well placed with snow still everywhere. Well done. Beyond that, it was the usual shitty trail of pavement pounding for about 2.5 & 3 miles. There was a Split to start things, pointing into an alley and everyone went there. Naw. Next mark was at Fullerton heading west where Horn-E and Mudsucker found the mark. Soon we were following the FRBs for a block and then south on Cleveland, past another Split and on south. We then worked our way over to Lincoln and Webster for a Check. The pack was scattered and Horn-E headed south on Geneve Ter. Finding one mark he was soon joined by Just Seth and we found a second and then a third, a Split at Dickens. Just Seth led us west to an alley and south to Armitage. Here was another Check and Just Seth was On to the west and headed south on Howe, one of those reeeal looong blocks that doesn't end. We followed and at the end the trail went through a school yard and I could now see Its Too soft and Mudsucker checking out the mark. As I got there I saw Fire In The Hole up on the next cporner, an obvious quick loop and a short cut. Another Check. Trail was found to the east and we ran on to Larrabe where trail headed south a little and then around north into an alley and to the back door of Sandy Syphilis. Now that is a nice back door. Heading up a big back stairway to the roof for a beer stop on her deck. and we all gathered, including the rest of the pack, Just Mike, Just Daniel, Jizz Limit and SnatchSquatch. But where was the sweep, Foamy Discharge. About five minutes later she finally came up the alley. We're all here and we stayed on the deck in the fresh breeze for two beers, finally joined by three House Puppies, Ice Princess, Barf Fly and Rhotan. Back at the bar we were met by more House Puppies, TampOn TampOff, Slippery Fingers, R-Tard-E, Chicken Stifer, Hoosier Daddy and One Fuck Check. Beer started to flow and the circle was started with a ragged tag team of hares that all needed to be retired. Suddenly, just into the circle, Chicken Stifer left with the hash ballots. Huh. I didn't know there was a time limit to vote. And the party ran on and on.

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash 12 Feb 2013 by Horn-E

.....We ran out of Cork and Horn-E was the hare. Drinking a beer I waited and suddenly Lifa showed up, followed shortly later by Just Chris and Bert's Special Friend. Well, after a quick chalk talk we headed out for Fat Tuesday Hash, on Lincoln's Birthday. And three out of five Checks were on Lincoln. I'd like to say I planned it that way, but so it turned out.

.....Trail took off to the north through some alleys and they arrived were led to the first Check at Grace by Just Chris. But trail was not that simple and finally they headed east and Just Chris was ON. We went east to Ravenswood and then south and east to a Check at Paulina. By the time I got there I saw Berts Special Friend heading east for a few little loops as they worked their way eventually to the south and another Check at Paulina and Roscoe by the Brown Line. Lifa went south on Paulina, Just Chris had second choice and went south on Lincoln. That left Berts Special Friend to take the next choice and he went east on Roscoe and found trail through some alleys, finally coming out on Ashland, across and then south through some more alleys. He finally missed on a Split and Lifa took the lead and led us to the next Check at the NE corner of Lincoln at Belmont Ashland. Here things finally got screwed up. Somehow Just Chris found marks to the west on Belmont that wasn't supposed to be found yet. All right, the hare tried something and it worked for two out of three. The hare put another Check on the same intersection, but on the opposite corner, SW. But shit happens. Meanwhile, I believe Lifa went east and found trail through some alleys and to the south and went on to follow the whole trail. Bert's Special Friend meanwhile went south on Lincoln and managed to pick up on trail that was to close. Damn hare. He disappeared. What? Horn-E ran south on Ashland to the next Check at Wellington. No one. I believe Lifa was already passed here. I waited for a long time and no Berts Special Friend. Shit. So I ran north towards Belmont and On towards the beer stop to be ready for that. Berts Special Friend finally came up behind me. WTF. So I told him where to pick up on the trail and left him. And he believed the hare. So I ran on and got to the beer stop at Pellys Liquors. There were Lifa and Just Chris peeking in the window of the Treasure Chest. They were about to go in and buy some gags, whips and lube for Valentines day when I arrived. We got some beer and walked the trail backwards finally finding Berts Special Friend on Belmont. So we walked back to the bar on a walking beer stop. Back at the bar we managed to kill three large pitchers before everyone had to leave, holding a relaxed Moon Hash style circle.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 2/7/2013 by Horn-E

.....I'd like to say this was a great hash, but I'm not that good of a liar. But in Chicken Stifer's defense, the conditions were really shitty. Rain all day, turning into snow about 4PM, left ALL side walks full of slush, cross walks at the curb were several inches of water and slush. And snow everywhere. We ran a lot in the streets and leaped over slush at curbs. Marks were almost invisible, even looking right at them with pink flour partly covered with fresh snow and then the snow shovelers wiped out many marks. A tricky trail might have been almost impossible to follow. And even at that, we ran past many marks and not finding anything we returned to find the missed mark, usually a Split.

.....We ran out of Gio's with a six pack of trail hounds, while five House Puppies stayed back in the warmth of the bar. Wankers. We took off to the east and soon had our first struggle with the almost invisible marks, a Split. Finally we were On to the north and a Check. This took a bit of time with even our virgin Just Daniel running everywhere trying to find trail. Finely we heard a whistle to the east and soon we were climbing up to the Metra tracks, just after a train went by. We ran down the tracks and over a bridge and about another block before coming back down to earth. By now I'm falling behind, but I could see the pack heading up to Foster. As I approached Foster, there was another whistle under the tracks and heading north on Ravenswood. This went a block north to the Pedestrian tunnel under the tracks and as I emerged from here, I heard another whistle and we headed west. I was finding it easier to run down the middle of the street with ground down and packed snow while the side walks often were full of slush. After a block trail dipped south to an alley and I saw Just Mary disappear at the end of the block heading south again. So I ran to the next street and down the street again finding Just Mary and O'Shitty Runch running around lost. We finally found a Split as they came out of the alley that they missed. Again down an alley to Damen and another Split. We headed south to Foster and again, I didn't see any marks but everyone was heading west around the school. Trail was found around the back of the school and a Check about a block later. The Check was found by Just Mary and it led to a path through a nature area as we all swept through the park as I followed One Chuck Fuck and Just Brendan. Eventually the pack came out at the SW corner of the park. By the time I got there they were a block west and heading south. So I paralleled for a block and there the pack had lost the trail. But the Chicken Coop was right there and after checking the entrance from the alley, we headed around the other side and finally found marks through a very wet gangway and into the basement where the hare was waiting with a twelve pack of good beers. A little over 2 miles.

.....Back at the bar the litter of House Puppies was growing and even during the circle they arrived until we had a litter of 10 House Puppies out numbering the Trail Hounds of only six. The House Puppies included our GM, Little Trojan Annie, our Religious Advisor, The Dark Kunt, the lame, Snotcho Mama and Slippery Fingers, the teacher correcting exams at the bar, Hooch B4 Cooch who couldn't even spell right (It is yellow not yeller), W Jew 40, Reverse Muff Diver, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Taste The Rainbow, and Roofie Ragu. And The Dark Kunt finally held circle ending with a naming and it was a good one. Just Mary, tell us your sins. The left tit is bigger and her favorite. She had a taxi ride that ended in Whoopie and they made the driver wait until they were finished. Cash Cab, Cunt Cab, Taxi cab transgressions, idle me off, park and watched, are we there yet, back seat bang her, idle tip her, leave the meter on, taxi cab cuntfessions, Taxi Trixie, Taxi Tricks and Meat'er Made. Wow. Some good ones there. Then we heard about how Slippery Fingers and Just Mary were cooking and he cut up the jalepeno peppers. Then later his Slippery Fingers became hot fingers. Whoops. Burning Bush, Burn Rub Her, Some Like It Hot, Burns To The Touch, Hot Box, Flushed With A Hose and finally Horn-E came up with Fire In The Hole. There was a unaminous yeah and we didn't even have to get to the other names. Just Mary, you will forever be known as Fire In The Hole. Congratulations.

.....It was a little after midnight when the last of the pack left and Horn-E headed for the door. Waiting for the bus, twice, just to get a mile and a half didn't sound worth it. So I decided to walk. A block later I headed into the empty streets and jogged all the way home. First time I ever did that, but after a short trail, why not.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 2/3/2013 by Horn-E

.....Let's just say this was out of the corner bar at Damen and North since the original bar wasn't open. It was set by W Jew 40, Little Trojan Annie and Back Door County. I was arriving late, 2:45 and thought I would have to follow alone and hoped the trail was marked. And they were just setting out the chalk talk marks. There were 17 hounds on trail and we took off to the east on North, And Horn-E streaked to the lead. Actually, he was just closest to the corner when they pointed out the direction. And for a whole block he managed to stay in front. Probably because it was to slippery to pass. But at the corner, Uploader took over the lead. We ran to the north from North for a block to a Triple Split. It was taking a while to find this when we had a call to the north. Under the tracks and into a ball field to Damen where the pack died. Apparently they missed the False. Uploader and Horn-E where already back checking when W Jew 40 came running up to bail out the pack. So we raced back to the Triple Split where Lifa went west, Uploader to the east and Horn-E stood there to blow the horn. Finally Uploader found the trail and was off in an alley and to the north This led to some north, south, north zig zag before heading to the intersection of Cortland and Ashland for a Check. I don't know who found this because I was in the east of Ashland, having followed Chunder Pussy across through the traffic. But trail went over the Metra station and to the west on Armitage. I found myself back with the hare, Back Door County as we followed. Finally catching up to W Jew 40 and Taste The Rainbow, walking. Yes, Taste The Rainbow, walking. that was the first time I ever passed him as we crossed Armitage and ran through an alley before coming back across Armitage and heading south. At an alley, trail went west to a Check at Damen. W Jew 40 pointed out the correct direction thinking the pack was long gone. But suddenly a bunch of them were returning from the north and Taste The Rainbow got a short cut and really started running and left me behind with these back packers, Stab 'em & Slab 'em, Mudsucker and Reverand STFU. At a short cut I found myself running in back and my ankle started acting up. Yeah, walking time. So I followed on through some town houses and finally out to a Check at Milwaukee. Already marked, I followed across the street, under some El tracks and across a long empty field where the pack was seen at the far end by the Bloomingdale Trail for a beer stop. This was about some drinking game with teams representing the two teams in the Super Bowl. Drink a six pack and then set up the empty cans on two tables. Then each team had to try to throw a football at the cans and dump them. Those guys were never in a kick pass punt competition. I'd say they threw like girls, but the girls threw better and they'd kick the shit out of me. But all bad. Finally one team missed the cans and hit the table knocking it over and claiming a win. The next toss actually hit the cans and didn't topple the table. I'd call it a draw, the cheaters were first, but the other team legitamitely hit the cans.

.....From here the pack was off to the south and then east on North. That was the last I saw of them, walking along with W Jew 40 and The Dark Kunt. And as we passed the empty lot where the beer stop was supposed to be, he let us know and we headed straight there. About five minutes later Little Trojan Annie arrivred with a pack of House Puppies and the beer. TampOn TampOff, Just Mary, Slippery Fingers and Snotcho Mama. While waiting for the rest of the pack we listened to The Dark Kunt telling tales from the puke side. A few minutes later the pack started to arrive in groups with Chunder Pussy coming in DFL after the pack and SnatchSquatch coming in the other direction, DFL. Other hounds on trail included Just David, Urine Love, Drill In My Box, Just Preston, Just Seth, Jizz Mayonnaise, and Cunt Putt. After a quick beer and some tennis, we headed over to the home of W Jew 40 for a Super bowl Party and a circle. Circle was led by Taste The Rainbow and the pack really grew as there was over 30 for the party with a huge amount of fans.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 31 Jan 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was to be the coldest night of the year. With the hare Glory Hole just returning from a vacation in Mexico and Horn-E the co-hare not being able to get together before the hash, we had to make it up as we went with a rough map, designed to keep the trail mostly within a 3/4 mile by a mile area. Maybe five miles at the most. Apparently we got nailed by a six to seven mile trail. Never trust two mischievous hares with an unplanned trail. Fortunately, once we got running we were mostly dressed well enough to not really being cold. Well, Just Larissa and One Fuck Chuck were complaining about cold hands. And the bearded hounds did accumulate enough ice under their nose from frozen exhaled breath to chill off three six packs. But the trail got set and several hounds said the trail was good, so I know it was a really shitty hash.

.....We took off at 7:30 from the Gallery Caberet after a quick circle and off to the west with a small pack of only eight hounds. Eight? Horn-E gets small trails no matter when he sets a trail. Are they afraid of that old man Horn-E, or was it Old Man Winter, or was it Glory Hole? All right, I'll blame it on Glory Hole. It can't be me. I mean we must have had about five whole degrees when we left. That isn't all that cold.

.....We did head through alleys to the corner of Armitage and Western with about 126 different possibilities for trail. And almost everyone followed Dickens Cider to the north, even though she wasn't On. Meanwhile O'Shitty Runch and Snotcho Mama returned from the south only to be told by the hares that Dickens Cider wasn't On. So they returned to a Triple Split on Milwaukee. O'Shitty Runch headed in the right direction, across Western to a turn south on Western and On. But he missed the turn and kept going to a False north of Armitage on Milwaukee. Ooops. Finally the pack got on and took off to the west and into an alley. Horn-E laid back while sweeping to mark short cuts for O'Shitty Runch. Meanwhile O'Shitty Runch somehow heard the pack on trail (since when do Chicago Area Hashers make enough noise for others to hear and get back on trail). But the pack ran on through an empty lot, some more alleys and came to California for another Check. I got there just as the pack found trail to the south and a T and E Split. And about half took the Eagle Split which led to them squeezing through a fence and then having to climb over a rickety chain link fence, into an alley and then to the south. Meanwhile the Turkeys ran south on California and into an empty lot and then back to the north in the alley, to an almost invisible fence and a Back Check. Gotcha. Upon returning they found trail through a gangway and onto the Eagles Trail. We then ran into an alley to the west and then a quick loop over to North Ave and back into the alley going right back towards the pack coming from the east. Gotcha. Meanwhile Horn-E took a short cut trying to catch up and suddenly Snotcho Mama is the first to emerge from the alley, smiling as he out guessed the hares. We'll get you yet. He ran on towards Humboldt and the sneaking bastard hares latest trick. Trail headed north along the sidewalk for a block and then under Bloomingdale Trail to the parkway. Here we pulled out our flour and went straight South for two blocks with marks on trees. This enabled the whole pack to get back together. At North Ave. we crossed Humboldt Blvd and that damn trail now went right back north on the other parkway with marks on trees. Now the pack was really cussing the hares. At the end, at Bloomingdale Trail, trail went west a block and right back to the south to North Ave. Gotcha. Dickens Cider and One Fuck Chuck arrived first and their was a Check with Humboldt Park lying ahead. There were three trails into the park. Dickens Cider headed onto the left False. One Fuck Chuck headed west on North. Drill In My Box headed east on North. But it was O'Shitty Runch heading southwest into the park that was soon On. This led to a big loop past the lagoon, around a field house and down by the frozen beach. That ice was tempting, but a little creaky with only 24 hours of sub freezing temps. So the trail headed over to Humboldt Parkway along the lagoon and to a four leaf clover crossing over the lagoon and under the boulevard. And somehow the pack missed something and was going all the way around again. But they self righted themselves and ran to a Triple Split at a big parking lot. Now when I got there, the Split was barely visible. I know that drywall we used made good marks in the past. So I'll stand by this until proven wrong. Frozen drywall doesn't make marks as good as warm drywall on a windy night. It is my defense and I'm sticking to it. Anyhow, the pack found trail to the east and along the lagoon until a right turn. This led to an island. Unless we crossed on the ice, it had to be a Back Check and we had another gotcha. We then ran out of the park through some tennis courts and to a Check on California. One Chuck Fuck ran right onto trail to the north, but somehow couldn't see it or find it. East was a False. So suddenly the pack is again following Dickens Cider to the south on a False Trail. Just because she is fast, doesn't mean she is On. Just Checking. Get out and Check yourself. We finally had to give a clue to Snotcho Mama and the pack got back on trail. From here I fell back with Little Trojan Annie and W Jew 40 and finally W Jew 40 as trail went north, east, north, east through turns and Splits until we crossed Western. Here we ran through an empty lot and into an alley to a street with so many possibilities for a Check, we had to do it. Apparently the FRBs made it through here, as O'Shitty Runch finally crawled into the beer stop at the Corner Bar along with Dickens Cider and One Chuck Fuck. Meanwhile, Horn-E and W Jew 40 come to that Check, Assuming everyone had found the trail, Horn-E marked the On and about three blocks later the rest of the pack, that we somehow passed at that Check, came up behind us. And so we ran on to the Corner Bar. We never made it back to the Gallery Cabaret as we were never gong to get that pack back out into the cold.

.....We had two House Puppies at the start, Slippery Fingers and Just Mary, and they came over to the Beer Stop and got the beer flowing for the pack. One Fuck Chuck started the circle and Little Trojan Annie finally took over. He needs more trailing. Get him a beer. The hares got about six well deserved Down Downs. And during circle we were joined by another whole litter of seven House Puppies, Hooch B4 Cooch, Ice Princess, Frosty Discharge, Taste The Rainbow, Jizz Mayonnaise, Barf Fly and Soul Taco. After the circle the bar had Karaoke and the pack stayed late. It took me three buses to get home and I just missed each one and didn't get home until a frosty, wind blown 3;00AM.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 25 Jan 2013 by Horn-E

.....The weather was cold and there was a fresh coating of snow on the ground. Perfect for Lower Wackoff's annual winter classic out of Gladstone Inn. Unfortunately, the cold weather or the Fri date kept all the hounds gathered around the fireplace while only one old hound showed up. Filled with memories of past trails on this annual event, Horn-E wouldn't miss it. And it lived up to all that was expected, aided by rainbow chalk, drywall and blue flour in the dark. Horn-E fought that trail for two hours and twenty minutes before we finally returned to the warmth of the bar. And during the whole trail, that nasty old hare just stood there watching this old hound struggling on missed mark after missed mark and some real nasty Checks in the woods. Damn, could Horn-E have used some help there. And when we returned to the bar we met Or G who couldn't make it and we enjoyed some good pizza.

.....It took a while getting used to some of the marks but after a while most of the marks were there. A few Checks and turns and Splits caused some problems, but we made it. Then we hit a park and Horn-E was right on the marks heading into the park and in the middle of the park. But he drifted right a little and missed a mark to the left a little and on a pole. That led to a loop around the park and finding the On In trail. Then getting screwed up on a shadow from a sign that looked like a turn mark. The hare finally came running after Horn-E and rescued that half blind old mutt. From there, things worked sort of okay until Horn-E missed a Triple Split behind Super Dog. This soon had Horn-E heading into the woods and the first killer Check in a shelter. And there the hare stood while Horn-E worked that Check. First a False on a paved path. Then looping back towards the sledding hill, checking shadows everywhere that looked like blue flour in the dark and finally veering back to the shelter at the base of the hill with so much chewed up snow do to evening sledders. And Here, Horn-E was almost on the true trail. Damn, the hare. So he now headed west and north and found a mark on a tree and only one set of footprints in the snow. Yeah, sure. Soon there were other footprints and Horn-E could never find another mark, even going to the river where there were footprints going across the river. There were several False trails in this direction, but Horn-E could only find that one mark. Finally the hare showed a little mercy and pointed out the correct trail. Good, we're now On again and heading into woods and soon we hit a parking lot and that damn hare had five trails going off of that Check. Down a path, return, towards the log pile, around the piles of gravel, into shiggy, along the river, finally heading south Horn-E spots footprints going to the east. One mark, Two marks, dead end. Damn. The footprints ended. And this was the correct trail. That damn hare was one smart son of a hare. He looped back then around and placed a mark entering the woods at a trail. Damn, just the kind of dirty trick I would have done. And with five hounds helping, we'd have gotten through both of these Checks with some difficulty, but through them. Again, the hare had to bail out the hound. From here we were on paths in the woods and came to a Split. Right, wrong, right again. Now Horn-E is following marks on trees and a single set of footprints. Then the footprints disappear. What? What the hell? Finally the footprints were found veering off the path and eventually back to the path. From here it was a short distance to the bridge and the beer stop. PBR and a beautiful winter wonderland scene looking over the semi frozen river and the snow covered woods drifting off in the distance. Worth the trials of the trail. From here we headed on back with little trouble and finally got into the warmth of the bar where a birthday party was in progress and the bar was crowded. Good time.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 27 Jan 2013 by Horn-E

.....This was Lifa and Stab 'em & Slab 'em's annual winter snow run from her house in Hyde Park Area. And we had snow with freezing rain on the way. It took me an hour and forty-five minutes to get there, just as they were in the middle of chalk talk. Nice crowd for the upcoming bad weather. We took off to the north following Dickens Cider. Trail went north of the school and across 65th St. So far it was open field and alleys and it would continue like that as I tried to catch the front of the pack. Yeah, sure. I passed Reverend STFU and he was running without socks. And they wanted to give a down down to those of us in work socks. At least we could afford them. But the pack ran on heading in the general direction of 60th and Cottage Grove where we entered Washington Park. The pack was heading behind a monument and there was a Shot Stop. Well, Horn-E doesn't do shots and wanted to keep going so he headed west and found a mark on a trail heading over a little bridge. He never saw another mark, but being on the SE corner of this huge park, the trail had to go into the park. Right? Wrong. But he crossed another bridge onto an island and found the center of the island had a gate locked. Screw that. The lagoon is forzen. We should be running on this stuff. So he crossed around the end of the fence and crossed the island only to find a locked gate. Back onto the frozen ice and in the distance, on Cottage Grove he could see the last of the pack, Mudsucker being dragged by a dog, heading into the University of Chicago Campus. But we have this beautiful park to run. Well, forget that. So he ran out of the park and arrived at Cottage Grove just in time to see hounds heading east through the campus. Horn-E passed a hospital where there were cops everywhere. The paper the next morning said it was about a bunch of protesters demanding that this particular hospital take care of adults in their trauma center. But meanwhiile, Horn-E ran on trying to catch the pack. I could see hounds heading north a few blocks down. When I got there they were in confusion having missed a turn somewhere. O'Shitty Runch, W Jew 40 and others. Finally we were called On by the sweep, Reverand STFU and we headed into the campus Square for a Check. I ran east passed Mudsucker and EZ On The Ass and got to the end only to see some hashers heading south. I finally got back on trail on the Midway Plaisance where I saw a bunch of hounds heading further south. But the trail headed into a low spot and then across the road and straioght east along a path. Finally the trail went between some buildings and there was the beer stop up ahead just were 61st St ends in a little curve, Why there? There was this tiny little awning that sheltered about four hounds from the steady freezing rain. From here it was a long mile or so walk back to the house.

.....We went into the basement for a circle and Happy Ass Grabber led it. Yeah, with his pants down again. And again and again. The hares got their share of down downs and we met our virgin Just Welder from Brazil. He was the first hairy Brazilian most had ever seen. We also had a bunch of other trail hounds including The Dark Kunt, TampOn TampOff, Just Mike, Its Too Soft, Chippendale who spent most of the trail being dragged along by a dog, Just Do Me Slowly, Bloody Thighs, Special Head, Just Dan, Just Ted and Coxswain Cocks Out with her kids and dogs. We had one house puppy who would rather go around kicking balls and giving headers then hashing with us, Frosty Discharge.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 17 Jan 2013 by Horn-E

.....This trail was laid out of Manhattan's by Clark Kunt and Sandy Syphilis. We had 15 trail hounds at the start and three ran up at the last minute. 18 hounds on a live trail. Trail went past the jail where those prisoners escaped, but no dangling bed sheets this time. At Chalk we had a Check and everyone was North, South, and West. Naturally the trail went east into a parking garage and out on Dearborn heading north to a Split on Jackson and again we headed east following TampOn TampOff to another Split on State. I followed Bert's Special Friend to the north so naturally the trail went east and into the park on a south west course and over a footbridge to a SSN and a SS behind a monument. That allowed Bert's Special Friend, Snotcho Mama and Horn-E to catch the pack. Next was a Check on Columbus and some of the pack were seen going towards Buckingham fountain, but there were only two marks. Trail did go north in Grant Park to a SS at the band shell. Finally Horn-E headed north and found trail as Just Ernie and Roofie Ragu ran on by with trail heading down a ramp to a bathroom and back up the other side where Horn-E was already short cutting and he spotted the mark heading north. At Monroe was another Split but Just Chris was already On trail and heading east and down steps towards the parking garage entrance and back up to street level to a False. That would say go back to Split and so Horn-E headed across the street and headed east from the last Split. But there was nothing. So Horn-E again crossed the street and started to go up stairs to another section of park when he looked down and saw a mark. That was ON, but the logic of how it got there and we were supposed to find it is beyond me. But we were On and it led into the lower lever parking garage and another Split. Just Chris was right behind Horn-E ahead he ended up on the right trail, but after a loop Horn-E led a small pack of five to the north. After another Split, the pack found another SS. Here Horn-E, who doesn't do shots, ran On and found trail going north and out of the garage. Trail went north of Randolph and Columbus and then to the east on the upper level and to a T and E Split. Taking the E, trail went over to some swooping stairways to ground lever and into Lake Shore East Park and a Check. Sweeping through the park Horn-E was only on one, but the pack was closing and Roofie Ragu found trail on the north edge of the park heading east and out of the area, Running through the park and grass I came to some thorn bushes. I got one good long scrape and about a dozen little punctures. I wasn't the only one. Running out of here we crossed under the Outer Drive and headed south to another SS. Horn-E headed along a path to the north looking for marks. Nothing. Finally the pack of about four headed south and lower level Randolph and found marks. This led to a Split by a stairway and we searched for ever around here before finding the On mark, straight east. I understand the hares were caught around here. Never saw them. We finally came to a stairway and trail went up to the upper lever of Randolph. Just Chris was seen leading the pack across Randolph and eventually into Millennium Park, west of the band shell. This trail came out by the Bean and Just Chris again found trail and a Check. We headed south and Horn-E headed over towards Michigan Ave. And there was a Split. Across the street was another mark and Horn-E blindly, 'get that old bastard some night vision goggles,' past a turn and into an alley. Meanwhile Horn-E runs around the entire block before getting back behind the pack. Through the alley and there is a Triple split. And everyone is standing around waiting for someone to find the trail for them. And Horn-E runs across the street and finds it, through another parking garage. At the end Snotcho Mama takes the lead and leads towards Wabash for a Split. Horn-E picks wrong and heads south with no marks. At the next corner he heads west on Jackson and finds himself behind Chippendalee as we run On to Plymouth Ct and a Split. From here there was a Check to the south at Congress and the BN was at the condo of Ice Princess on his roof. And eventually the whole pack made it there, grabbed a quick beer, and a few then hid from the cold in the stairwell. Here Barf Fly dropped her beer and was seen wiping all of those hops and hopping thing from the inside of her thighs. It's only beer.

.....re only here a short time and we walked back to the bar where there was a whole lot of House Puppies waiting for us, including Hoosier Daddy, Chunder Pussy, Calvin Klein, Odor Eater, bring his nasty pussy back to Rotton, Hood Whorenament, Two girls One Cupcake, Mommy Srangelove, SnatchSquatch and Gaping Panda Hidden Homo. Little Trojan Annie got the beer flowing with six pitchers at once and kept it flowing until the money ran out. Two Girls One Cupcake and Drill In My Box played beer wenches. We had one virgin, a friend of Bert's Special Friend, Just Ray. Welcome to hashing. Now lets name him Bert. The Dark Kunt ran circle and Chippendale took up a collection and made a pizza run. And when the pizza and beer ran out, the pack ran on. Good time and a fun trail. Damn I hate to admit that where the hares might read it. They'll start to get swelled heads. Other hounds on trail included One Fuck Chuck, Jizz Mayonnaise, Back Door County, Glitter Spitter, Ginger Snatch, Frosty Discharge, Just Brendan and Ice Princess.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash 14 Jan 2013 by Horn-E

.....We had a small turnout of three hounds after a long weekend of hashing. Trail was out of Dino's and Horn-E was the hare. The hounds were raring to go but the hare was moving slow after this weekend of hashing. We headed west and into an alley and then our first Split. Cunt Put was off and running and Lower Wackoff and Snotcho Momma were dragging behind. Back and forth across Devon until we came to Ridge and a Check. Cunt Put stops to take pictures, damn tourist, and Lower Wackoff heads off to the north and On trail. Snotcho Momma stood there trying to stretch out his shins. He isn't going to last. They did a short loop through some neighborhoods to the north of Devon with one Check and numerous Splits as the hare walked parallel on Devon keeping check on the hounds. Finally they returned to Devon for a Check. From here we went into some real shiggy in the city. All right, it was short, but it was shiggy. Then we headed to the south with Snotcho Momma giving in to his aching shins and walking with the worn out hare. The other two hounds managed to walk and run through loops, Splits and Checks as we kept them in sight. As we approached Ridge we lost track of Lower Wackoff. WTF. Meanwhile Cunt Put also was ready to drop out. Trying to run in the cold was causing issues with his recent dental issues and his jaw was throbbing. So Lower Wackoff is on his own and we have no idea where he is. At Ridge we had a Check and thinking Lower Wackoff is ahead, we move quickly through this Check so as to catch him. As we are leaving the area, we spot him coming up behind us. WTF. Apparently he needed some relief and all I can suggest is don't go to Dunkin' Donuts for some lemonade. So now we run on and Lower Wackoff takes a lead and runs to Horn-E's apartment looking for a beer stop. Not tonight folks. A phony NOT Beer Stop mark was found and we went on, again thinking Lower Wackoff is ahead and the lame hare is walking along with the lame and disabled. We crossed Clark heading east and wandered a few streets before Horn-E gave a lead to the lame and disabled and went to mark a Check for the hare. Then he couldn't find the lame and disabled. WTF. Somehow in searching for them, Lower Wackoff again came up from behind and was now leading the others on a trail to the east with a lot of Splits. And the hare finally caught them in time to enter an alley where Caught Red Headed was waiting with a surprise beer stop in the alley behind his condo. From here we headed back and lost Snotcho Mama who went straight home to nurse and ice his strained shins. Back at the bar we had an abbreviated circle as Cunt Put had to get going with a 90 minute drive ahead. That left Lower Wackoff and Horn-E guzzling some good Amber Bock beer and watching the bartender shot pool. Hey, she was better then some fucking sports. That would be some good sport.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog 8 Beer Stop Hash 1/11/2013 by Horn-E

.....Set by Two Hairnets and Horn-E out of Catherine Chevalier Woods. We started out with 20 pounds of flour and 36 beers including 312, PBR and Coors. We were off on trail about 10:15 for three hours of working our mystery or fucking up this course. Well, some of each. Trail started out with a quick loop into the woods and back out to some grassy parkland. The pack was stretched out and somehow not following marks and no one seemed to see the first Check. We did point it out to Gas Stop Bob to prove it was there. But what got the pack was seeing marks on trees that were False trail marks off of the Check. Especially SnatchSquatch. Where was he going? Anyway, they did manage to get back on trail past a shelter and into some narrow spider trails behind it and into the woods. And a Split and a Four Way Split slowed down the FRBs and we regrouped. This led to a E/W path and an immediate turn south on a narrow path that is surrounded by thorny bushes everywhere. Because Gas Stop Bob is a walker I gave him a short cut to the third Check. We did have several Splits along here, but we mostly stayed on the same path until near the end. This was a short loop to the south and back north to a Check. By the time I got there while sweeping, the On call was heard to the West on a path. And off they ran. Gotcha. False. Lifa was soon on trail to the north and after a split trail he ran on to the next Check with the pack following. This was at the long E/W road into the woods to the river. Meanwhile Gas Stop Bob already checked out a looong False to under the Expressway. And seeing the whole pack heading his way, he slipped into the woods and let them go right on by to the False. Sneaky bastard. And several hounds including SnatchSquatch and Furry Spice and ??? headed over to the river at the last split before the check and actually walked backwards on the real trail. Love it. Gotcha. So finally everyone returns to the Check. Lifa is off in the woods going who knows where. Bert's Special Friend heads east on the main path. Hey, its another False. Meanwhile Gas Stop Bob is now heading south along the river and on the real trail. This headed along this path and a quick fourth Check that had a False previously found from the other direction on the second Check. Gotcha. And on we go as I finally pass Gas Stop Bob and that left SnatchSquatch and Just Chris walking alone in the back. R-Tard-E was ranging on the main path to the east and Ice Princess was also missing. Finally we head inland and into the woods. after a bit we came to the first Beer Stop and I saw Glory Hole walking along with a beer. First. Further on into the woods we came to some flooded wetlands and there was the Second B. And the beer was on a log over the water. Or G got there first, but no one could find the beer. Finally R-Tard-E finds it and talks Happy Ass Grabber into going out on the log for the beer. Well, rather then falling in, he finally just stepped into the water and got the beer. But, On goes the pack and I follow. We now get to an elevated wide bike path going south and finally back into the woods. I paralleled south on the path and eventually the trail crosses the side path and to the rivers edge for Beer Stop Three. And there was Barf Fly leaning against a tree leaning over the river drinking a 312. She was joined by Ass Capades and EZ On The Ass and they all looked as casual as possible drinking beer along the river like it was a sunny summer day. On trail was now back to the east on a wide path, and most of the pack came back from a False to the south and eventually into the woods they went and now heading south again. This finally led to an illegal fire pit in the woods and Beer Stop Four. And here is Lifa(?) and Ice Princess(?) for the last ten minutes, finding nothing. R-Tard-E runs up, yeah that R-Tard-E, and spots the beer right away. By the time I get there, SnatchSquatch is already heading east looking for trail. Yeah, he is On, but him and a bunch of hounds miss a turn and finally return and headed Northeast through thick woods and into an open field. Often wet lands here, the brush is in little mounds. They had burned out the weeds here in a normal procedure of controlled burning of prairie lands. This leads to real treacherous running. And right in the middle of the field in a thicket of skinny trees is the Fifth Beer Stop and Just Eh managed to crawl into the thicket and retrieve the beer before I even got there. And already, three of the drinkers are gone looking for the next beer stop. And they all ran right on by it. It was a bit off of a straight course and hounds saw the next marks off of the Check and just ran right on by. They didn't know they missed it until they found the Seventh Beer Stop. Meanwhile Two Hairnets and Horn-E managed to call back a bunch of hounds and they searched the area for the beer. And searched and searched. Finally I look at O'Shitty Runch and his eyes light up like a teenager at his first Gentleman's Club visit. And where was this beer? About fifteen feet up this old white dead tree. So he climbed up the tree and passed it down to the waiting Or G. Just Do Me Slowly swooped in for a beer. Along came Ass Capades and Barf Fly pulling up the rear of the pack and Gas Stop Bob also got one. I then ran on to find the FRBs. They were already gone from the Seventh Beer Stop in a thicket of skinny trees that you can barely get through. So I ran on and found a large pack of hounds around the Eight Beer Stop. And that was the most fun beer stop of all. While walking in a dry stream bed, looking for a spot to hide the beer, Two Hairnets looked under these two logs and saw an animal. Horn-E went around and there was a possum. Poking it with a stick confirmed it wasn't playing possum. RIP. So we put the beers between these two logs and right at the snout of the possum. Apparently there was a lot of fun as various hounds arrived and looked for the beer. Someone grabbed the bag and it split and all of the beers fell onto the dead possum. Want a fresh cold beer? They all managed to get one, One Chuck Fuck, TampOn TampOff, Drill In My Box, Furry Spice, finally Bert's Special Friend, Ice Princess again and many others between seven and eight. We finally all gathered and headed on in to the finish.

..... Here we got more beer for a circle and went looking for this fort in the woods. Apparently the tree police removed it as we couldn't find it. So we just settled into the woods for a good Big Dog circle. Ice Princess and R-Tard-E were called out for being greedy and getting four beers. And what was that about Ice Princess upchucking? Never mind. We were havinv so much fun that even the deers were joining us. When the beer was gone, we headed out to the On On On. Damn, about time. I was getting damn cold.

.....On On On was at Gladstone Inn on N. Milwaukee where the bartender gave us many free pitchers and we ordered some pizza and some just went next store for good sandwiches. We were eventually joined by Bloody Thighs who gave me a much needed ride home after we ran out of beer money.

The Tale of the Trail

The IHOP Hash, 1/11/2013 by Horn-E

.....Yes, IHOP. We met there among the usual Sunday afternoon crowd. A few of us got something to eat, Drill In My Box, Barf Fly, Horn-E, Snotcho Mama and Hoosier Daddy. Then the hares, Caught Red Headed and The Dark Kunt arrived. We held a circle in the parking lot and were soon off to the north. All right, they tried a loop and a Split, but it was about four blocks north and then through a parking lot towards the lake. Looks like they went through some building but I followed a few over the top and we were soon heading along Lake Shore Drive to the south. At Irving Park they headed under LSD and to a T and E Split. By now I was behind due to my ankle acting up and not warming up well. I heard that Its Too Soft waited until everyone was out of sight before picking the Turkey Trail. Meanwhile I missed it and just headed south along the path. Then I saw the pack heading north through the golf course. Short Cut. Yeah, sure. Over a chain link fence. And it had just enough early freezing rain to make it to slick to climb. But I persevered and finally found a log, cut off in the fence, and was able to get over it. Running towards the pack they were running around in confusion. Apparently there was a Check and a Split. Not sure what they were On, but finally someone called On to the north and we ran on through the golf course and eventually climbed out over a part of the fence broken down. We now head north towards Irving Park on the jogging path. Trail went under a bridge and was supposed to go over towards the lake for a Shot Stop. But the pack seemed to be scattered everywhere. Some went over Mount Montrose and some around and some towards the lake. Eventually all I saw went towards the lake under a bridge. I headed that way and under the bridge I saw a mark. Looking back, there was two obvious marks on trees, but everyone was running the other way and missed those. And somehow SnatchSquatch and Its Too Soft went by the shot stop. Or so they claim, but The Dark Kunt didn't call out. She claims she did. I call bull shit somewhere between those stories. Meanwhile Horn-E is following those three marks up Mount Montrose and there is a Check on the top. Heading north there is one, two and finally three marks at the bottom, a Three Way. Heading north again there is another Three Way in the road. Looking back the whole pack is now following. Heading north again didn't work and the trail was found to the west. This went on for several blocks until Clarendon. We then went north several blocks to Leland and and west to a Beer Check. We walked over to this little park and had our beer, 312. and some lite stuff. And they brought out about three bottles of hooch that wasn't used at the shot stop. From here we walked back to the On In at the Spot.

.....In the bar were two House Puppies, EZ On The Ass and Chicken Stifer and we soon had three more House Puppies, Ginger Snatch and Ice Princess. And Barf Fly was there at the start, but didn't run and somehow made it to the finish. Hmmm, riding with the Dark Kunt. No wonder they didn't see the hounds go by the shot stop. The other Trail Hounds were Just Seth, One Fuck Chuck, Cunt Putt, Lifa, and Jizz Mayonnaise.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 1/10/2013 by Horn-E

.....This was out of Time Out Sports Bar and we had three hares, Urine Love, The Dark Kunt and Ass You Wish. And at least one of them sweeping might have saved the trail for Horn-E and Glory Hole, but more of that later. We had 23 hounds on trail and it was raining more and more as the trail went on. But that didn't stop the pack. We took off to the south and then east and finally under the El tracks. Rumor was that TampOn TampOff was scared by some dirty rat along here. I mean the four legged kind. Doesn't he feed them to his snakes. But trail headed south in an alley and finally over to a parallel street. We had our first Check at Sunnyside and it wasn't sunny at all. This Check really baffled the pack for quite a while. We were scattered in all directions and starting to get into serious ranging. Finally I followed a bunch of hounds down an alley and at Artesian, Little Trojan Annie said she thought she heard a whistle in the direction of those hounds. I went that way and that was my doom. They were out of sight and so I assumed they had to go into a gangway and across Western to the park there. So I searched that area and a bit around the park. Nothing. Coming back to the Check, I saw what appeared to be a mark pointing back on the original trail, but on the other side of the street. Normally we consider both sides of the street as separate trails. That being said, there should have been a turn mark pointing north on the west side of the street. At least, that is how I mark them. So, now I'm On, but the pack is long gone. At the next alley the trail headed west and a Split at the T. I went straight and wrong. Returning I headed south in the alley and through a gangway and came out on Campbell. There is this big natural garden there and perfect for trail, but no marks entering. So I return and finally find a Triple Split in the grass next to a parked car in red flour. Now that was easy to spot, especially since they did have some white flour. Anyhow I head south and around the park and there is a mark coming out of the garden. Across the street is a turn arrow and nothing for a block and a half. Returning I find a mark in the shadows, but nothing until I crossed the next street, over a block without a mark. And that was a Split. Heading south, another block and a half before a mark, another Split. This must have been where the hares were walking and talking and forgetting to mark trail on a rainy night when it is already hard to find marks. A curse of three vampires on the hares. Finally I found a mark crossing the river at Montrose and there is a hound running my way, Glory Hole. He also had been way off course when the trail was found, and over on Lincoln. Yes, way over there. But we were finally not alone and so we headed on. There was a turn mark to the south into Horner Park. And we saw another mark on a tree. About 2 hours later we finally saw another mark coming out of the park on California, a Triple Split. What happened in between? Well, somehow we missed a turn mark in the park, heading west. Was this in Red Flour in the grass where it would be practically invisible? Who knows. We didn't, that's for sure. We kept going and looking at light spots on trees that turned out to be just light colored bark. We finally got to Irving Park. Nothing. We ranged on both sides of Irving Park heading west and Glory Hole found a mark on a tree, but nothing after that. At California we headed north and Glory Hole found another mark on a tree. This was just paint. (?) So we ran on to the north. There is a time when hashers that are so far behind and off trail might and often do say, 'fugetaboutit.' We were a block from there when we found a real Triple Split. From here it was just a relatively easy trail north with a few back and forths before we got to Argyle and the river and found the last of the pack at a beer stop in a park. From here it was a simple west and south trail back to the bar as the rain was really starting to come down. I managed to run the last bit with One Fuck Chuck as we headed on in.

.....Back in the warmth of a dry bar we found a huge pack of eleven House Puppies including Just Eh, Slippery Fingers, Wang Chunks, Ass Capades, Smells Like Twat Sweat, Its Too soft, Salty Gash, Back Door County, Ginger Snatch, Just Grace and Tell It To My Nipples. That made a total of 37 hounds for a real lively party. But back to the trail hounds. The Dark Kunt called circle together and the hares got a few down downs, no way near what they deserved. Little Trojan Annie was called out for her birthday and we couldn't forget that it was also the birthday of that wonderful woman who introduced so many women into how to please a man, Linda Lovelace. And thanks to the flashs and I don't mean the flash from W Jew 40's camera. And we had two virgins to introduce, Just Geoff and Just Robert. Welcome to hashing. And for all the rest of those soaked hounds that I mostly didn't see on trail, Chunder Pussy, Reverse Muff Diver, Furry Spice, Just Julia, Bloody Brown Castle, W Jew 40, Jizz Mayonnaise, Roffie Ragu, Happy ass Grabber, EZ On The Ass, Chippendale, Just Mary, Ass 2 Mouth, Caught Red Headed, Drill In My Box and Just Brendan.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

1/6/2012 Just a short little tale by Horn-E

.....There was just a little trail by the fabulous four justs, Just Jay, Just Ernie, Just Chris and Just Nick from the Drum and Monkey with a little assist from Lifa who just walked along and played momma just. All right, the overall trail was okay. But just okay. And there were just four stops along the way with just a little hot cider, just a little hot Sake, just a little spiked hot Chocolate and just a little ham and Rye. Just to much for me as I just waited for a beer at the last stop. That was just to many stops for me, but the justs were having a ball and I was just about the only one who just wanted to run. Just not to fast for this old man who is just a little to old for all this.

.....So, what happened? There was just 18 hounds as we took off on trail. We took off to the west and then north to Roosevelt and a Check. Trail was found to the east and after a quick loop that was just a half a block we headed north. But this was just a short distance and we again headed east, for just a few blocks. Trail now veered to the south for just a short block or so and a Back Check across Roosevelt in a parking lot. This slowed down the pack for just a little bit as Dickens Cider emerged back on Roosevelt and headed to the east. Horn-E followed, but just to the next intersection where there was a Check. Horn-E headed south for just a block or so before finding the third arrow. But he led for just a short distance as TampOn TampOff took the lead and headed west on Taylor. But again this was just a short distance and a Split and just a short loop before heading south for just a block. We then looped around a small park and then headed west again for a short block. From here we just had a little loop before we came to just the first stop.

..... It was supposed to be a grab and go, so I just went. The trail headed south for just a few blocks before heading across the Expressway for a five way Split. Well, I headed out on the middle one and I just checked two before I saw the following pack with Dickens Cider following the trail I took and Chippendale heading west and just a short time later he called On. We just went two blocks to the west before heading north. From here I would like to say we just went two blocks north but it was three. And there was a Check with many possibilities. But it was just a short wait as trail was found to the east for a just a block and then south for two blocks. Here was this park and just a short distance later we were at the second stop. And since this was a Sake stop, Just Do Me Slowly was getting just a bit stoned.

.....But it was just another short stop and we didn't even wait for the DFLs. But there were just three of them. We then took off on a Turkey Eagle Split. Us Turkeys were led by Mommy Strangelove who ran just a short distance before deciding to just play for a while in a playground. And most of the rest of the Turkeys followed her. It was just Horn-E who headed south and found trail and led us to the south for just a short spell before Mommy Strangelove passed him. But there was a Split and after just a short distance to the east, Horn-E found trail. It was just a small pack and Horn-E managed to stay in front for several blocks finally going into a Target parking lot for just a short bit and at the other end Snotcho Momma finally joined him. We headed on to the east and finally after a just a short distance there was another Split. Horn-E saw a bridge and headed that way for just a short distance before spotting a Back Check. So he followed for just a short block before coming to the next block and another bridge across the Expressway. It was just a short distance on this path before Chippendale came running along from the Eagle trail. But with his speed, it was a short time before he was out of sight and passing the leaders of the Turkey pack. Just a short time later we ran through the northeast corner of Circle Campus and crossed the street for just another stop under some trees.

.....Just a short time later we were off to the south following Dickens Cider. We then headed into the campus through a building for just a bit and came out in the campus. About then, trail went north for just a short distance and Just Nick was seen coming my way and saying we should go west and several of us did for just a short bit. Meanwhile I heard Mommy Strangelove yelling On with the rest of the pack. We that were off course took just a little loop around a building and by the time I got there, they were disappearing down a side street to the west. Just a short distance so I followed, but there just wasn't any marks to follow. Just where did they go? So I headed west for just a short block. No one still in sight. So I figured that they had followed the rest of the pack on a parallel course for a short bit and then joined the pack. So I went just a short block to the south before finding trail. Then along came Lifa, the sweep. So we just teamed up and followed the trail to just another stop in an alley behind Just Jays house. This was just to much and I needed a beer. Just a short time later the DFLs came on in, Just Jeff walking along with SnatchSquatch, Cunt Putt and Hoosier Daddy. After just a short time I was ready to head back and I headed out for just a short walk back with Uploader.

.....Just a short time later we were all back in the bar and headed to the back room for just a little bit of circle time. And we just called out the four justs, just time after time. And they deserved it. Then after just a short bit we reconvened the circle and Just Ernie and Just Jay were called out for just a short question and answer bit and then just sent off to the front of the bar. I'm not sure, but I believe it was Berts Special Friend for Just Ernie and Just Jay was something like Spider In Spider Out. I just had no idea why, but it is just going to have to do until they just can't stand their names and we just rename them. For the record, there were three other Justs present, Just Paul and Just Mike on their second trails and Just Steve, the house puppy with the camera who just joined us at the last stop. All I can say is that there were just to many justs today. Just don't ask me to count them.

.....Other hounds on trail included One Fuck Chuck, Taste The Rainbow, and Six Degrees Of Penetration from Nittiny Valley. The other house puppies included Drill In My Box, Its Too Soft, Rotton and R-Tard-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 12/29/2012 by Horn-E

.....This was set by Just Chris out of his apartment in Chinatown and we never saw Chinatown. We had five hounds on this windy cold night. So windy, the hare went out again to relay, if necessary, the part of the trail that was in flour. So we finally got going, fifteen minutes later. We ran out of their complex of town houses. From here we headed west and south and into an industrial area. After a Check or two, it was getting obvious where we stood. Hooch B4 Cooch was leading, Just Nick in second and Just Ernie and his friend from Houston, Just Andrew running in tandem. Picking up the distant rear was that old fart, Horn-E. We got over to Halsted and south of Archer heading south and into Mount Trashmore park. Here I really fell behind as I was in the wrong direction at a Check. We ran through the park and out to the west. I saw then disappearing through an empty lot as I climbed a fence. But I was right behind them as this trail was as well marked as the last trail in Chicago wasn't. So well marked that at Splits, we could just look and see the next mark. And I barely kept them in sight as we finally approached a little park where the hare was waiting with a shot stop. And a few beers. The shot was supposed to be a premixed Eggnog thing. Well, it was mostly frozen and Just Ernie finally coaxed some out of the bottle. Like slow moving pudding with a kick. After this we headed on to the south and finally turned back towards the north and east. At Halsted I was still with the pack. About three blocks later they were gone as I followed the trail on to the beer stop that wasn't. The bar was closed. So we marked for the hare that we were there and headed back to the apartment, arriving just before the hare with more beer. We decided to muster up our circle in the tiny kitchen and we were joined by various room mates and friends until we had ten at one point. As for the circle, it was fun as everyone got into the idea of accusations. But as for songs, I was about the only one who really knew many. But we got through it and finally settled into a drink or two. When Hooch B4 Cooch said he was leaving, I gratefully took a ride to the north side rather then walk back to the Red Line and freeze on the platform. Fun night

Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 1/3/2013 by Horn-E

.....We ran out of Moe's, with four hares. Yes, four. EZ On The Ass, W Jew 40, 10 Dix With Wings and Riot Me This Riot Me That. As best as I can figure it out, we had 19 trail hounds for this shitty trail. And we had 14 House Puppies. Fourteen? This is a hash. Then we get off to a real late start, 7:54. What else would go wrong? Then we had an On In trail to close to an On Out trail. That led to about five hounds who were at the beer stop in about ten minutes and didn't leave. At least the hares kept two six packs of good beers for us that did the trail. So, how did it go? We took off to the north and around the corner and into some angled neighborhood streets. After a Split we came to our first Check at the head of an alley. Someone was yelling On right away, and it looked like he yelled On with only one mark. But that was the trail. And we ran on to the north and across Belmont to another Check at an alley. I was in back with the two sweep hares at that point and as we got to the Check, On was called and the pack was off streaking east in the alley. 10 Dix With Wings started to put down an arrow at the Check when Riot Me This Riot Me That stopped her. "Are they On?" "I wouldn't go that way" Hmmm. So I head west and I'm on two at the next alley and at a Split. Naturally I picked wrong and I could see the pack returning to the Check. Someone was calling On with only one mark, twice now. Well, I took the wrong direction at the split and they were On to the west. So I went in a parallel course and sure enough, the pack came my way and this lucky bastard was now in the top five with Ass You Wish, Roofie Ragu, Bloody Brown Castle, etc. At another Split, the trail went south towards Belmont. Now here is the screw up and again, someone was calling On when they weren't. WTF. There was a turn west at the alley and just as I got there, someone yelled On going east on Belmont. And there was a really big arrow there. So I follow and sure enough, after two blocks, Dickens Cider is returning telling me there are no more marks. So I head to that turn into the alley and sure enough I am On. I blew the horn, but no one was following. Here is where a bunch left the trail and found marks across the street that led right to the Beer Stop. I run on and finally come to a play park with a high fence. As I go around I run into Foamy Discharge and she informs me that there was a Check in the middle of the play lot. Apparently there were several hashers that didn't fall for that last bad call. So, anyway, I head for an alley and see Just Chris along here, also looking. At the end of the alley I loop to the north and find marks and I'm On and blowing my horn for those behind me. Again I pick a wrong turn at a Split and I get back to the trail just ahead of Bloody Brown Castle. But we are at another Check. Then we spot Dickens Cider yelling On. Or so I thought. By the time we circle back to Milwaukee I am now behind all I can see. And in front of me is Little Trojan Annie, The Dark Kunt and Back Door County. From here the trail went back and forth across Milwaukee and into a parallel alley and back out again. The next time they did that, I stayed on Milwaukee and figured they would return to Milwaukee. Ooops. Was I wrong. They were running off to a Shot Stop. Fortunately I don't do the shot stops, Malort. Unfortunately, I'm on a real long block that finally ends at Addison. And no one came my way, so I have to head east to find the pack and trail. Well, I never did find the pack, but I did find trail. Apparently, after the shot stop, the trail came my way. All I knew is I'm on trail. There is no obligation to wait for the pack to arrive. Hell, they might never even find that part of the trail. So I run on, alone. A lone hound on a trail to who knows where. Trail did go west on Addison and under some tracks to a Triple Split at a park. I managed to pick right, left, and ran on to a Check in the park. Here I picked right and ran to the ball field for a Triple Split. I think that whatever direction I picked, I would have been On because I finally came to a mark showing three trails merging. From here trail went east and at the tracks, trail actually headed up to the tracks. Couldn't see any marks here so I looked over the edge and those bastard hares took the trail right back down. Okay, keep heading east. Much later I heard a Metra Train blowing it's whistle. Apparently that was the pack following me. Little Trojan Annie was going over the tracks when she spotted the train coming. She got down quickly and warned the following pack to not go over. That didn't stop Just Shawn, but that damn train engineer wasn't stopping either and let his horn speak for him. Anyway, I digress. I ran on through a series of left and right shit and a Check or two with some Splits thrown in to slow down this old fart. I finally crossed Belmont heading south and to a Check at a parking lot and school. Picking left, right, I was again On and climbing a fence by a health club. Coming out at Pulaski I picked straight, right at another Split and came out in some slanted streets. I only made one mistake here, at a Check. I went through some gangways and came out on Belmont before finding trail. Now I'm heading east on Belmont and come to Milwaukee. Another arrow pointing to who knows what. There were a lot of those all trail, going from chalk to flour making it hard to follow. But I finally find the trail and head east. At the next Split I picked wrong and as I go around the block and return to Belmont, I could hear the baying of the trailing hounds. Are they following the scent of the hare or this old hound. But two quick arrows and I'm heading down the alley by Soul Taco's house and there are W Jew 40 and EZ On The Ass waiting with good beers for the hounds that did the whole trail. And just as I open one, the rest of the pack comes running on in. If I got this right, it was Just Shawn, Just Mark, Just Aza, Just Ted, Just Chris, The Dark Kunt, Back Door County, Little Trojan Annie, Dickens Cider, Roofie Ragu, Bloody Brown Castle, Foamy Discharge, and finally Chunder Pussy. Those that missed most of the trail, again if I got it right, were Hoosier Daddy, Drill In My Box, Just Caroline, Soul Taco, and Just Jay, I hope I got that right,

.....Back at the bar we moved tables and made a section in the back of the bar for our circle and The Dark Kunt got it going. It was a good circle and thankfully with that crowd it wasn't to long. This left us with a lot of post circle beer for the socializing. When I left, about 11:00, there were at least 25 still there and not looking like they were leaving anytime soon. Who were the House Puppies? Four Score In The Back Door, (alright, we'll give him a break here. He's still on crutches), Ice Princess, Hump Me Dump Me, Wang Chunks, Jizz Mayonnaise, TampOn TampOff, Tell It To My Nipples, Mommy Strangelove, Two Girls One Cupcake, Caught Red Headed, SnatchSquatch and Its Too Soft.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

30 Dec 2012 by Horn-E

.....This trail was set from Joe's on Weed and hared by SnatchSquatch and Just Preston. We had 12 trail hounds as we took off that included two visiting hounds Just Emily from Ohio and Gecko from NYC and one old timer not seen in years, TransFrancisco Treat. We did have a bunch of fast hounds so I knew it would be fast. We headed out to the east through the usual alleys and had a Check at Halsted. And just as I got out of sight in a parking lot, trail was found to the south on Clybourn. By the time I got on trail I was quickly being passed by One Fuck Chuck and I followed to the south. After a long block we headed to the south and west and finally across a huge field. I'm now ahead of only two, the sweep, Just Preston and TransFrancisco Treat who isn't running these days due to bad knees. We crossed a side street and as I ran through this large field, there were runners in every direction on Division. Must be a Check. As I got to Division and Halsted, On was called to the south. We wandered through the factory zone and I finally passed R-Tard-E and Its Too Soft and we came out back on Division. Trail now headed straight west and over the river to Elston. Trail went along the rier for a bit, But I could see the lead hounds far ahead and I was sure the trail had to come back to Elston. Got that one as I spotted Roofie Ragu heading north. A block later was a Check and Roofie Ragu kept going straight. Actually trail headed straight north and I managed to get Roofie Ragu's attention with my horn and pointed out the correct trail. We ran north for about two blocks and then to the east and over the river again. Right after this is the rail bridge over the river and to a beer stop. That's it, a simple little trail. We then headed back to the bar where SnatchSquatch held circle. Other on trail included Ginger Snatch, Hooch B4 Cooch, Ass You Wish, TampOn TampOff, and O'Shitty Runch. We did have two House Puppies, Just Mary and Slippery Fingers.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 12/28/2012 by Horn-E

.....We ran from Carol's Pub and we ran and ran and ran. Over 1.5 hours. One Fuck Chuck and Hooch B4 Cooch laid this trail and I heard one visitor say his GPS was almost 8 miles. It seemed to go On and On, but the hares claim a much shorter course. That would be on dry land with good marks. Unfortunately, it snowed. And they had white flour and white drywall. I've seen this work. I've made this work. But this didn't work. Why? The $69,000 question. While some marks were fairly obvious, some on walls and trees and such had us looking everywhere, while still trying to not fall on the icy areas and trying to pick out the difference between snow and marks. Then they hid marks behind posts, etc. so we ran right on by them. And some marks seemed to be to far apart, making checking at Splits and Checks harder.

.....So, what happened. I believe we had 20 Trail Hounds on this course. We headed out to the north in an alley and found a Split at Lawrence. This took forever with the first mark past Clark in a doorway. But we ran on to Ashland and a Check. From here we headed several blocks to the south before heading east off of Ashland. Trail went past some abandoned home with a mark on a telephone pole. We missed that and finally Glory Hole was On by ranging south in an alley. And On to the south we went. The trail then had a Check and as I got there, they were On to the east and then south again. Finally I find myself heading south on Southport heading towards Addison. Here the trail headed east and all hounds are out of sight by now except SnatchSquatch. But the sweep is there, trying to mark everything and I ran On ahead. More east and south and finally I go past a school and On for two blocks without seeing a mark. I'm now at Belmont, and the sweep is out of sight. I finally spot him through a parking lot, running south without SnatchSquatch who he gave the address of the B finish. So I tried to catch him as he headed east on Belmont. At Sheffield there is a Check and the sweep marked it to the east. So I headed east. Little did I know that the pack had gotten to that Check and headed south, when they weren't On. So now, I'm ahead until the ranging Lifa passed me and told me what happened. At Clark we head south for two blocks and lost trail again. Apparently it went through a parking lot. At the exit it headed west and by now a bunch of the pack are here and running west on Barry, missing a turn mark at the alley. That's two misses in a hundred yards. That is what it was like. Coming out of the alley we are by the hospital and no marks, so we are ranging. Glory Hole yells On to the south and then someone yells On into a parking lot. At Halsted I run into Chippendale and he didn't see any marks. Suddenly someone yells On to the south on Halsted, but it didn't go far. Then Glory Hole yells that we are at a Check. Ooops. Eventually Lifa returned from the south and we all did. Then someone is yelling On to the east on Wellington and south on Clark. False. We wandered north, Glory Hole, Urine Love, Just Julia and others. Nothing. We aren't getting anywhere. Finally the sweep indicates the trail went south, where we first went. Damn. So now it is off to the south for four blocks without a turn. At Diversey we head west and after two blocks, they are all heading back again. What? We missed a Split, hidden behind a pole. While on trail you don't hide marks. That is for after Splits and Checks, and only so much. So we are back together, a small bunch of us and we head south to an alley and west a block to a Split. This leads us south two more blocks to Wrightwood and another Split. While trying to solve this, Bloody Brown Castle runs by yelling that the beer stop is in Oz Park, over a half mile south. So off we went and finally found the rest of the pack in the middle of the park and BEER. A little over 90 minutes. After a quick beer we headed further south to Beaumonts for the On In.

.....The Dark Kunt held circle and the hares were brought out. Let no bad trail go unpunished. The were each given a quart of eggnog to chug. It took two attempts to finish it, but I'll give them credit for doing that much. Unfortunately they got several more down downs and now with beer. Figure, beer and eggnog, spells upchuck and Hooch B4 Cooch spent a lot of time in the men's room after that. Ooops. We had foru visitors, AC DC from Reading, Do Me More from And Arbor, Bed Master and Certified Pubic AcCuntant from NY. We also had one virgin Just Nate. Welcome all. And then we drank on into the night with at least about 13 hounds still in the bar when I left at about 12;45. The other Trail Hounds, as best as I can figure, Slippery Fingers, Just Mark, Just Kyle, TampOn TampOff, String Theory, Just Shawn, Just David and Just Mark. The House Puppies included Just Grace, Little Trojan Annie, The Dark Kunt, Monkey Seman Monkey Do, Just Mary, Reverse Muff Diver. If I missed you, sorry.

On On
Horn-E

On OnThe Tale of the Trail,

The Thirstday Hash, 20 Dec 2012 by Horn-E

.....It was a dark and stormy night when we met at the Lock Down for this tribute hash to the band Anthrax. No, I don't know why, but the bar was a heavy metal bar. Our hare was W Jew 40 and Drill In My Box and a group of hounds met out in the blowing wind with rain and snow threatening. Never happened. After a chalk talk, about ten of us headed off on trail down an alley. Actually this trail laid with flour was not to hard to follow even in this wild wind. I don't remember much of this trail but we headed south and most of the time I was desperately trying to keep the pack in sight and then we'd hit a Check and I could catch up. We did get as far as Grand and I was thinking, tracks ahead, but we headed east on city streets until we dipped south of Grand and into an alley. This was the best part of the trail and well worth mentioning. The alley was a block long and solid shiggy. By this I mean, fallen or torn down small trees, the kind that grow next to a building and in the cracks between building and the alley. They were pulled down from both sides of the alley making a difficult maze to traverse as the branches were perpendicular to our way of trail. Fun. I'd like to do that in daylight. But after here we worked our way north with a few zigs and zags to the trail until we tail enders finally came up to the pack in an alley and a beer stop.

.....Back at the bar we had to meet in the back yard of the bar, in the frigging cold and wind and it was. But a circle was held and the bar brought out a case of 16 oz PBRs. When that was consumed, we quit. Horn-E ended up in the bar with Chippendale and we got several tables together. We ordered food and beers, (cheap with half price good pints). Unfortunately, for some reason, the whole pack never came into the bar and went somewhere else, I know not where, leaving just the two of us in the bar watching heavy metal concerts and trashing on TV until we were done eating.

The Tale of the Trail,

23 Dec 2012 by Horn-E

.....This trail was laid by Chicken Stifer out of Atlantic and we had a total of just nine Trail Hounds. The trail headed out to the usual alley and all of the usual hounds headed north and the trail headed south as we followed Prick Of The Litter. We came to a quick Check a block later and the pack was scattered everywhere and no one was finding anything. Suddenly Prick Of The Litter from Memphis found a mark in an alley and as we followed he yelled "On two". But was he? The pack ran ahead and Horn-E was following with another visitor, Do Me More from AAMH3. Suddenly he saw an arrow through a gangway. But that was only two. At the street we found a Triple Split and Horn-E blew his horn and we struggled with that Triple Split. And then another as we headed south. Finally Lifa was seen to the rear as the pack was now back on trail behind us. Trail headed into an alley just before Lawrence and Horn-E went wrong at a Split. Then Do Me More at the next Split and Lifa took the lead. And R-Tard-E was coming up behind us. At the end of the alley there was a big loop through parking lots and the rest of the pack finally caught up. We crossed Lawrence and had a Triple Split, again, in an alley. Trail headed west and further south and into a school yard and some actual shiggy. But we were soon on trail and heading further south and then we worked our way through some alleys to Western, just north of Montrose. Trail now headed into the park across the street where trail headed into a tennis court and Bocce Ball court by going over tall fences. Nah, we didn't. As we exited the last court we ran into this open field where we saw what definitely looked like a Back Check from a trail coming from another direction. Confusing, but it turned out to just be a overly drawn turn arrow. So now we head further to the east and into a few streets and alleys and Checks and Splits and as usual, we saw no marks anywhere out of the Checks except the true trail. Beginning to look like a lazy mans checks without Falses. We finally headed back to the north and across Lawrence and to the Chicken Coop for a beer stop.

.....Chicken Stifer had some nice beer waiting and he brought out some jugs of good hooch and Prick Of The Litter cracked open the Jameson and they were off and sucking shots. After the Beer Stop we headed back to the bar where Chicken Stifer held circle.

.....Other hounds on trail included Urine Love, Hooch B4 Cooch, Just Ernie and Just Chris. The Black Widow walked to the Beer Stop with the hare and Just Grace held down a bar stool becoming the House Puppy of the day.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 29 Nov 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was set up at the last minute with Little Trojan Annie, Urine Love and Sir Fuckwit, and we ran out of the Tap Room. This trail had 29 hounds lined up and ready to run on one days notice. After a long story about what went wrong while laying the trail, and you need to hear that one, we finally headed off to the west about two blocks. This led to a Check and we were soon heading north and across Fullerton. Two blocks later we had a Check on Logan Blvd. Trail led east on the parkway and then I ended up following hounds cross the street and head east through a skateboard park, but I saw no marks. Suddenly we are heading back across the street and a Check at Western. Horn-E was second crossing the Western and we had a Split. Second gets second choice and naturally, running along the expressway in an alley was the obvious choice. So he's following now and ended up following O'Shitty Runch as he ran into a chain across the alley. But we soon came out at another Check just before Elston. Trail headed southeast and looped through a huge parking lot before we headed across the street into a driveway and a Shot Stop. I don't do shots so I wandered around and finally found marks towards the river and I was On. But I just walked along waiting for the pack. I heard them coming and headed on to the Damen Ave. bridge. Hear was a T and E Split. Turkey was over the fence, a high steel fence. Eagle was along the edge of the fence on a narrow concrete strip about eight inches wide and heading out into the river. About thirty feet out was a right turn going along the river. Here I see that the concrete wall is broken and falling away. Hmmm!. But I hang on and keep going. Past the bad area I see that I have a fellow Eagle following me, Drill In My Box. I keep going and after another forty feet, we have another turn heading back to shore. Finally I'm on land and meanwhile just about everyone is leaping, crawling and climbing over the fence. But I won't have to. Yeah sure. When the steel fence ran out, there was a ten foot high chain link fence with barbed wire on top. There were now five of us eagles and we still had to climb over the fence, and by now, the pack was gone heading south to Fullerton. Bastards. So I look around and there is a pallet on the ground. I lift it up to use as a ladder and climb over. Then Drill In My Box follows and I catch her as she jumps down. Next is O'Shitty Runch. As he gets to the top of the pallet, the rotten wood starts to collapse and the makeshift ladder broke one board at a time as he slid back down. Life is real shitty when your O'Shitty Runch. But we finally all get over and we're off and running. At Fullerton we headed east and then into an alley and back to Elston. From here the trail was On In pretty much. Into a side street and over to Webster and straight west to Leavitt, south to Shakesphere, west to a park at Oakley. North two blocks and there was the pack in a Senior Citizen Memorial Park. Hey, that's what the map says. And I'm a Senior Citizen and I don't mind a park for us, I'm just not ready for the Memorial part. And at the beer stop the Hare, Little Trojan Annie was bitching about having to show her I D to get two bags of ice at the liquor store next to the bar. I've heard about people looking to young to buy beer, but to young to buy ice.

.....After the beer stop we headed back to the bar. We had four House Puppies on this night with W Jew 40, Mount Schwiiinga, Just Grace and The Dark Kunt and she held circle around the pool table.Their were many virgins and many many down downs for the hares. Those that were also on trail included, Just Brian, Just Mark, Just Ted, Just Aza, Ass You Wish, Snotcho Mama, Slippery Fingers, Just Katy, Back Door County, One Fuck Chuck, Chunder Pussy, Hoosier Daddy, Bloody Brown Castle, Caught Red Headed, Reverse Muff Diver, Happy Ass Grabber, Chippendale, Just Audrey, Just Julia, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Ginger Snatch, String Theory, Glitter Spitter, Monkey Semen Monkey Do, Just Shawn, and Just David.

The Tale of the Trail

The Second City Hash, 2 Dec 2012 by Horn-E

.....Specklebird came out again to set his annual Idiots Day Hash from the Speckle Bird House. SCH3 is a family hash and their were 7 future harriers running around, but we still had a good hash. Several Harriets, Coffee Tea Or Me, Squeeze These, Buffalo Nuts, Poultry Fucker walked along to the beer stop with the kids and under the protection of Rear Guard. But we had a nice pack to run the trail. Well, two packs. For some reason Chicken Stifer, Taste The Rainbow and SnatchSquatch left before circle started. WTF. What was that about? But we held circle and five minutes later we took off around the block and up to the abandoned tracks. This led us south to a point where two sets of tracks cross each other. At this point I'm running along with the hare and Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off. The hare says something about the pack going in the wrong direction. So I cross this bridge, looking for marks and when I look back, the pack is gone at street level and running along behind some building. Horn-E is DFL and we just started. WTF. Thanks Specklebird. So I get to street level and run after the pack finally catching the hare and Just Do Me Slowly at Montrose. And we just walked along to the east crossing the expressway before I started running. I leave those two behind as I run down some alleys and small streets until I see some hashers ahead at a Check, trying to catch the pack. One was Chippendale and they ran under the expressway on Kostner and head west. As I get to Berteau, Chippendale is disappearing several blocks to the west and heading south. I follow and hit a turn in an alley heading back east for one block. I'm now thinking, Specklebird is giving Just Do Me Slowly a two block short cut. I head further south across Irving Park and two blocks later I get another turn to the east and there is Just Do Me Slowly and Specklebird walking ahead of me. He gave her about a four or six block short cut. Moments later we go around a corner and half block down into a back yard for the beer stop and Horn-E is DFL again. But I ran it all and started with the whole pack.

.....After a beer, we wandered back in small groups to the Speckle Bird House and the house is locked. It is now getting cold from that warm 70 degrees at running time and standing around in tank tops was getting cold. But we had beer. Finally the walkers arrive and we get inside for some food, good food, turkey chili/soup, sausages and buns, and sandwiches, etc. We eventually get to a circle back outside led by Yer Anus. Then it was back inside and warm and more beer. Others in attendance, included Juggles My Balls, Snotcho Mama, Rhotan, Virgin Banger, Just Steve, Just Brenden, & Paddle Yer Anus.

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash 10 Nov 2012 by Horn-E

.....This trail was out of Gamblers and our hare, SnatchSquatch had a family emergency so he finally found Dark Side Of The Poon to lay trail for him. I did see a map, but don't know who planned the trail. Basically, a little south and north of Foster from Pulaski to Kedzie. I got there late, damn CTA again. This time detours. So I took off after them and it wasn't to hard to follow. Some things were marked, but relatively simple, back and forth trail. There was at least one loop with a short cut that was marked. Finally I crossed this neighborhood bridge and a few blocks later I caught up to Just Grace, and Little Trojan Annie returning from a fence climb. Around the block we ran into Urine Love waiting for them. They were walking after doing a race earlier in the day. About two blocks later, as we approached Kimball we saw Just Ernie, and Just Chris trying to run and two other walkers, EZ On The Ass and W Jew 40. Just Chris and Just Ernie and Horn-E ran on across Kimball and into the campus area. A block or so later we saw Lifa coming towards us. He wasn't On at the time, but I think he was in or near the front. But we had marks over a bridge and he didn't correct us so we ran on. This was just a big loop over to Kedzie and back through the northern area of the campus and that is what Lifa was on. Hey, thanks pal. You could have saved us that loop. W Jew 40 and EZ On The Ass came along behind us and managed to catch a short cut there. Meanwhile Just Chris is leading us in circles and soon we hear an On call, from W Jew 40 and EZ On The Ass. A short time later we passed them and left them behind as Just Chris and Horn-E tried to keep Just Ernie in sight. Trail ran along Foster and into a little loop into a park, then back west on Foster to Pulaski. Here is another little park and the rest of the pack was waiting at the other end, drinking beer.

.....Nice spot for a beer and the weather was still nice out and the sun warm. But things move on and we soon headed off to the bar.

.....Back at the bar Lifa got the beer flowing and we started a Big Dog special circle. And at the Big Dog circle, we all get a chance to lead a bit. The other hounds on trail included The Dark Kunt, Taste The Rainbow, R-Tard-E, 69 Cent Man, O'Shitty Runch, Ass Capades, Just Eh, and Cunt Putt from Indiana I think. We also had two hashers who left before circle, Clark Kunt and Glitter Spitter. We had two house puppies in Gas Stop Bob and Or G who showed up just for circle with Or G's two visiting sisters. Welcome. After circle, we sort of all left real soon. But a good time. And no CTA troubles on my way home.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 11 Nov 2012 by Horn-E

.....This trail was out of Foster Glen Woods and set by Chicken Stifer and about half of the trail was in woods or on tracks and the rest in city streets. Trail headed off into the woods and Horn-E took the lead right off. Down a hill and right into off trail running for about 75 yards until a path. Trail went right on the path for another 75 yards and a Split. Horn-E headed back into the bush and found nothing, but kept ranging and finally saw a mark that led right up to Forest Glen Road. Heading to the left he found a Check at the bridge. He kept going straight and found a mark heading to the left and into the woods and bush again. Great. And he could see at least three trees in the distance with marks on them so he blew the horn and led into the woods. Finally losing trail, SnatchSquatch spotted a mark and we were back on a side street. This led to another Check at an intersection. Now I'm a woods runner and I'm looking for the woods again. I saw what looked like marks in the woods, but light patches on trees can be deceiving. Just Vaughn yelled On but I thought he was referring to something that would head back into the woods. When I got back out, the whole pack was gone. I never heard a quieter pack. That is because I didn't hear them at all. I followed the road back to Forest Glen Drive and eventually found marks into the woods and to the waters edge. And everyone was running back and forth on the other side. But I saw marks to the left and followed them. They led past two splits and back to where the pack was. I ran up to the street, another neighborhood, and started checking for trail. I followed trail through unmarked Splits and Checks until we got to a Check at the train station. Here I guessed right and headed down the tracks and was On trail. Eventually I headed into the woods and followed the simple trail until I got to the dirt bike hills. Suddenly Lifa and One Fuck Chuck came at me from the direction of the tracks. Yelled something about where did we go wrong and headed back. I was pulling burs out of my socks and when I looked up, they were gone. Alone again, I picked a Split and basically kept following trail through the woods while the silent majority are less then fifty yards away on the tracks or real close. Trail eventually crossed the tracks and into the woods for a short stretch and another Check. Second choice and I was back on to a little light stretch of woods and back to the tracks. Here is where Lifa and One Chuck Fuck missed the turn south on the tracks. A short time later I could finally here the pack, at the beer stop.

.....After the beer stop; we headed back to the starting parking lot and brought beer into the woods for a circle. The hare was called out, often. The Veterans were called out Cumma Slutra, Just Vaughn and Horn-E.. And virgins Just Kyle and Just Selamu and returning hashers including The Black Widow. And some good songs were sung. Hounds on trail included Mount Schwiiinga, Jizz Mayonnaise, Just Katy, Just Julie, and Its Too Soft.

.....After circle we headed over to Rabbits where we drank buckets of beer. Finally everyone left except Horn-E and as he was finishing his last beer, a couple arrived and joined him at the table. Next thing he knew he was heading out into the rain after midnight, looking for a bus. But we had a great time.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 8 Nov. 2012 by Horn-E

.....Ass You Wish and Bloody Brown Castle laid trail out of Joe's On Weed. I couldn't run, but I saw about 17 hounds take off on trail W Jew 40 took off for the shot stop and beer stop. Chunder Pussy and Horn-E stayed in the bar, eventually joined by Its Too Soft as the only House Puppies on this day. The Dark Kunt held circle after their return and the hares did one hell of a lot of down downs. What that means about their trail, I don't know. Good time and $6 pitchers.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 1 Nov. 2012 by Horn-E

.....Just Jeremiah, Drill In My Box and Keyless Entry laid trail from Fat Cats. This was Just Jeremiah's virgin trail and there only three real problems I saw. Virgins tend to lay long trails The Turkey was over five and the Eagle runners probably did seven. Then there was the long straight trail on Ravenswood for the Turkey Trail. Generally two blocks in one direction is enough. Three is extreme. Checks and Splits can make a long straight trail more acceptable, but even then, should be limited if possible. All right, now for the one that split the pack. This was done by Keyless Entry, an experienced hasher, who hared before coming to Chicago and this is the way they did it there. So No fault to her, She did what she knew. At the end of a long alley she laid a F on the ground. In Chicago that means going back to the previous Check and some also make it mean back to the previous Split. Some did. Some wandered around that area and eventually found the trail. This split pack with hashers strung out. I think it was here that we lost several virgins. For those interested, I have an explanation based on the historical Chicago Area marks at the web site HHHinChicago.com under the subtitle Standard Chicago Area Marks.

.....But what really happened? We took off to the north with 21 trail hounds including the virgins whose names I never got, and west and north until we approached this alley where the F was. We were strung out a bit and I was in the back near SnatchSquatch and the sweep, Just Jeremiah. Suddenly hashers were coming out of that alley just before Foster, and looking all over. Then someone told me that it was a Back Check. So I immediately headed back to that last Split into another alley. A bunch of others were also heading there. I saw a bunch head into that alley and so I paralleled following Ass You Wish, and Reverse Muff Diver. Just Ernie and Just Chris followed. After a long block we got to Broadway and nothing. No other hashers. I ran around that entire long block and finally got to the Split just as Reverse Muff Diver got there. No one in sight. So we ran back to that other alley and ran down the alley. Nothing, but an F. Damn. So we circled the block and finally found marks of Foster. That is when I realized that the hares really meant that to be a Back Check. At least the way we do it here. So we ran on working the trail north in an alley and west, past Ashland, more alley and finally at this tunnel under tracks on Ravenswood. There was a shot stop. And the pack was long gone. I was last in and the virgins never made it there. I talked with Keyless Entry and Drill In My Box about what happened and hopefully we all now understand. Hopefully it won't happen again. I ran on heading south of Foster alone and finally ran into the sweep. We ran to a Turn heading west. As far back as I was, I asked for a short cut. Just head south. Okay. At Wilson I found a turn over to Ravenswood. As I was checking out a Check I saw Just Ernie and Just Chris coming up behind me. They ran on to the T and E Split and couldn't find the E. So we were alone on the Turkey trail heading south. And we headed straight south to Berteau were the T and E came back together. We ended up going one more block south and then straight east. Finally back to the north where we saw other hashers, Ice Princess and Caught Red Headed walking along. It was only a few more blocks before we hit the beer stop. And then we discovered we were in the top half. The Eagles were still out on trail. They soon came wandering in, tired and thirsty. They went all the way over to Western. Glad I missed that.

.....Back at the bar we finally got a circle going with The Dark Kunt presiding. Good job. Okay, I lie. The hares were called often. And then again and some more. We ended up with about 33 in the circle, meaning a long list of House Puppies including Little Trojan Annie, W Jew 40, a transplant Chug Life and Barf Fly, Chunder Pussy, Mount Schwiiinga, Its Too Soft, Four Score In The Back Door. The other hounds on trail included That Thing That Vibrates, Slippery Fingers, a new transplant Wet Up To My Thighs, The Dark Kunt, String Theory, Poultry Fucker, O'Shitty Runch, One Fuck Chuck, Happy Ass Grabber, Chicken Stifer, Bloody Brown Castle, Furry Spice, Hoosier Daddy, Just Jay, Just Sean and Just Mary.

.....Then after circle we got around to naming Just Jeremiah. After many questions, shouting, suggesting names and then eliminating names, we got Just Jeremiah out on his knees and he was named Hooch B4 Cooch. Well done.

The Tale of the Trail

The Second City Hash 4 Nov. 2012 by Horn-E

.....We hashed in Aurora from Two Brothers Brewery at the Roundhouse. I got a ride out from Dickens Cider and we were there in time for a drink. Then it was out to the shag wagon and off to the circle. Two hares I Prefer Ribs doing the beer stop and Paddle Me Harder sweeping and that was good because I had someone way in back with me to bull shit with as we walked and ran at the back. We had two virgins, Just Nick and Just Kyle with us, but I couldn't even keep up with them. We ran into the parking lot after a Split and struggled a bit before trail was found to the north. This led us to a area where a lot of steel beams were kept and trail went through them to a bicycle path. From here we headed north across a road and along more path to a Split. There was a False after this and those front runners blew past it. But the sweep gave Horn-E a clue and he was off on a parallel course separated by a lot of shiggy. Most of the pack came back and followed Horn-E but after hitting some tracks for a long stretch. And as Horn-E ran along he saw the front runners, Dickens Cider and Anal Assault short cutting to the tracks ahead. Hey, I'm slow. Can't you at least pass me on trail instead of short cutting in front of me. ;) So we follow on until a Check that just went straight ahead to a parking lot. Here I found The KGB running around this parking lot looking for trail. We finally headed straight through the parking lot and over a set of bridges where the FRBs missed a short loop around the bridges. Then around the corner on the other side we found I Prefer Ribs waiting with beer. Good beer.

.....After the beer stop Horn-E got to the path down to the bike trail ahead of everyone. And then everyone passed him real fast. Just Nick was the last to pass him and from there on, Paddle Me Harder and Horn-E just walked and ran behind with the pack barely in sight. Finally at a little park, they blew past a turn in a path and were running around in circles. So I almost caught up and blew the horn to show them the real trail. And off they went again and on to the finish behind a paddle boat shop. It must have been the boat that named the hare. Dickens Cider led us in a quick circle and we drank all of the beer. Then we headed back to the brewery for an On On On where we got some free sides from the brew master and enjoyed some good Micros.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 30 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was a Halloween Dress Up Hash and Horn-E laid trail from the old favorite Dress Up bar, Fullers. We slowly gathered and drew names out of a hat and headed over to the Village Discount Center to get something for someone else to wear on trail. And we did good. I shook with fear in the checkout line as I saw Just Ernie holding a Halloween Cows outfit hoping he didn't have my name. He didn't. And he looked at what I had and hoped I didn't have his name. I did. Finally, we were back at the bar, with a pitcher of beer for courage, and a bar full of patrons waiting to see what we'd have to wear. Horn-E started by presenting Just Ernie with a Red Bra, a white sweater with pink flowers and black skulls all over. The bartender fell in love with it and got it before we left for the night. And he also got a pair of long purple pants to go with it. So now Just Ernie had his turn and nailed his room mate, Just Chris with that damn cows outfit. Some of you have seen these. Full length pants and top in black and white spots with a huge pink udder in the middle. And a pink Princess hat. We're getting nasty tonight. But funny, I hope. Next Just Chris gave Lower Wackoff a black and orange sort of spectacled long top with buttons he couldn't get buttoned right. Then he got the perfect purple pimp hat to go along with it. Pimp of the night and the most reasonable outfit. But he wasn't as nice when he gave his to Bloody Brown Castle. A long button down top in black with designs and webbing and spiders all over it. All right, not bad, but then he got a black half slip tp slip over his usual long white shorts with then sticking out the bottom and barely able to run in it. Now add on the bright orange fuzzy scarf. So, that leaves one left and Bloody Brown Castle was nasty. What did I ever do to him? A PINK POODLE SKIRT. Damn. And I had to take off my sweats to get it on. So, now I really just in a skirt. Then a sweater top to go along and a pink scarf. The bar tender judged my outfit best, so Bloody Brown Castle got free hash cash.

.....We headed off on trail and after a few blocks down Irving Park, we entered neighborhoods and I had to stand there alone as they searched out checks. In the freakin' pink poodle skirt watching the passers by as they watch me and gathered their kids together. We finally got to a strip mall and ran around Target and then some neighborhood streets with angles and alleys everywhere. Again I end up standing on a Check waiting as people walking around avoided me and headed another way. This one was funny as it was a block away from where they already were before a loop. So Lower Wackoff and Bloody Brown Castle head right back that way and screwed around for several minutes before Bloody Brown Castle retraced their steps. Meanwhile, Just Ernie heads south and stops a few feet before he could see the first arrow. He returns and he and Just Chris wandered around a Triple Split at an alley for like forever before taking off to the north and finding them selves a block off with Lower Wackoff. Really funny watching ineptitude. Finally Bloody Brown Castle returned to the check and headed south and found trail a hundred feet away. Several blocks later was a Check with countless avenues out. Bloody Brown Castle found trail and did a loop around the entire area with Just Ernie following before passing a White Castle and another Check, less then a hundred yards from the last one. Meanwhile some cow and pimp are wandering around the parking lots and back alleys scaring the hell out of the local shoppers. So Just Ernie heads north at the check, the only trail out, and goes around the White Castle past the drive thru window and on north on Elston. Meanwhile Lower Wackoff and Just Chris caught up and got a good short cut back to the pack. But only Bloody Brown Castle could get lost at a White Castle. Finally we spotted him, no not the spotted cow, The Bloody Brown Castle, and they were off together. Meanwhile Horn-E took his Poodle (No, not that poodle. Well, yes that too, but really the white poodle on the pink skirt) and headed to buy beer for the beer stop. So there I am running and walking along and hiding behind trees and cars as I traversed the local dark streets with muggers and gawkers and laughing everywhere. Now I still had to go into the liquor store all alone. Thank God for high counters. Now it was off with the beer and to the beer stop, in a dark alley with some homeless guy wandering around checking dumpsters for goodies and I'm there in a pink poodle skirt with a six pack. Now I'm thinking a mugging and that R word and I even have to provide the beer. Where are those dam hounds. That last check wasn't that hard. Finally they arrived and I'm saved. Damn, that was a long five minutes. Saved by a pimp, a cow, a walking skull in a red bra and spiderman in a black slip.

.....I'll leave it at that. We held a circle in the bar and finally got back into our regular clothes. Four of us finally drove off together and the night was a lot of laughs and well worth it. And I have an outfit for next years Pink Dress Hash.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 25 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....It rained right up to the start and lightly throughout. This was our annual Halloween Zombie Hash and the hares were there without costumes. Shouldn't the hares if they sign up for a costume hash, at least have one themselves? We ran out of Claddagh Ring and the actual hare, Poultry Fucker laid a live trail for us and did eventually change into a costume at the beer stop, while Chicken Stifer just went to the Chicken Coop and got beer ready for a beer stop in the basement. Meanwhile we took off following her trail with I believe about 19 hounds as a whole bunch of hounds stayed in the bar, dressed like House Puppies. At the first block to the north we were at a Check and struggled on this for a bit until the trail was found down an alley. I ended up paralleling and following Bloody Brown Castle as we ran to Western. Trail went across Western and through a housing project. As it emerged, Horn-E found himself at the right location to temporarily take the lead, but south in another alley and they were past him as usual. After a block was a Check in the alley. Horn-E followed TampOn TampOff to Lincoln where Horn-E ended up on true trail after a Split, but didn't know it. Anyhow, TampOn TampOff found it and we were off to the west and eventually south and over to a Hospital and its parking lot. Here was a Check and we struggled with it for a long time. Finally a few hounds wandered around the whole parking lot and over to a park, Still nothing. Then we heard a whistle coming towards us. Horn-E looked around and there was a mark heading into the park. Soon passed, the FRBs led us out of the park and another Check. We found this soon and trail went across the river, past a ball field and then south across a small bridge and through a park. Trail now went straight east. If we ranged a little farther from the Check at the hospital, we'd have found this and missed a bit of trail. From here the pack got really strung out and we just followed along. We could just see Hoosier Daddy in front of us and Horn-E was running back near the two virgins, Just Jessica and Just Janaan, Trail kept going east and south and eventually we came to an unmarked Check at Western. After finding this we suddenly came upon about four other hashers including Sir Fuckwit. By now, I knew we were heading to the Chicken Coop and we ran on into an alley and we were herded into the basement. Good beer stop with good beers. Poultry Fucker must have picked those because she doesn't like the cheap beer. And it was her birthday and she came out in costume. Happy Birthday. When we finally left, it was pouring again and we were all going to get wet for sure in the three blocks back to the bar.

.....The Dark Kunt finally got the circle going and it was good. Our virgins, Just Jessica and Just Janaan were called out along with their friend whose name I didn't get, and she didn't run, but was waiting for them in the bar. High and dry. We also tried to name Just Katy, but it didn't work. We'll get her later. So, who else was on trail? Dr. Fudge Knuckle was visiting along with a friend Just Courtney. We also had Drill In My Box, Ass You Wish, Roofie Ragu, Bloody Brown Castle, One Fuck Chuck, Slippery Fingers, Jizz Mayonnaise, Hidden Panda, and Taste The Rainbow dress as the late J. C. The House Puppies included some great Zombies in Soul Taco and The Dark Kunt and a slew of others, some in costume and some not including Smells Like Twat Sweat, Sandy Syphilis, Mount Schhwiiinga, Tell It To My Nipples, Snot Yo Mama, Ice Princess, Little Trojan Annie, EZ On The Ass (dressed as John Wayne Gacy as a clown) and W Jew 40. And to all that bothered to dress up, some pretty good that I failed to mention and some like myself who barely made the dressed up stage, thanks for helping to make the party great.

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash 28 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....Well we did get a few people to get dressed up for this hash and one of our hares was clearly the best as a swordsman from the days of yore, as one of the Three Musketeers of hares, Taste The Rainbow. The other two conspirators were Hoosier Daddy and Hood Whorenament and we ran out of Dark Horse. As we went outside we were met with two rats engaging in 69. Yes, the 69 Cent Man was there. No, The 69 Cent Man didn't do it.

.....We had about 16 Trail Hounds for this one. Horn-E took off leading to the north and then a quick turn and a Triple Split. Horn-E and several others went east and just didn't see any turn arrow to the north. It was finally found and at Addison was a Check. One of many, almost every other block. Actually this was good but we got strung out anyway. So, there I am a block to the east of the Check when Two Hairnets comes running my way informing me of the Check. We had nothing. Returning to the Check, Lifa suddenly called On from an alley and we were off to the west and north and another Check. Again, not sure who found it, but we got an On call from the north for one block then we headed west and down an alley south and another Check. Just as I got there and started to the west, an On call was heard through a parking lot for Wrigley Field and it was along here where I, we lost track of the pack. It ended up being Horn-E, Just Jeremiah, The 69 Cent Man and our hare sweep, Hood Whorenament. We followed trail across Addison and at the next block was a Triple Split. While searching it out, I stumbled onto marks going the wrong way. Huh. Well remember them because later trail came that way. Meanwhile trail headed south in an alley and eventually to a Check, across the street from the Dark Horse. Huh. But we ran on and found trail to the south on Sheffield and then under the tracks to a Beer Stop where the pack was waiting the late arrival of Just Jeremiah and Horn-E.

.....After a beer, about 6 hounds went on to the south ahead of the pack and to the west. The rest of us finally followed and the trail was easy, west a few blocks. Horn-E found trail along here and then through a school yard and a few twisting blocks later we came to a triple Split. Horn-E found this trail in an alley and we quickly saw those early leaders at a Check. Just Jeremiah found this trail under some tracks and at a Split, Horn-E finally found the third arrow. He led to the west until Ass You Wish finally passed him and eventually about 8 other hounds. We headed north and then east, right past those marks I saw earlier. From here, Taste The Rainbow altered the finish a little, but it went to that same Beer Stop location. And there was the rest of the pack, way more then the 8 who passed me, so some had to find a short cut back.

.....After the beer stop we headed back to Dark Horse and circled up in the cold in the back yard. Taste The Rainbow led the circle and did a lot of Down Downs himself as a hare. We were introduced to four virgins, Just Julie #2, Just Patrick, Just David, and Just Spencer. Welcome to hashing in Chicago. We also had one visitor, Cuntpot from Indiana. And he led a nice version of Hasher Boy to the tune Danny Boy and it was new to us. Great. Others on trail included The Dark Kunt, Little Trojan Annie, Chicken Stifer, Just Ernie, Keyless Entry, and Just Brian. The House Puppies included Furry Spice, his virgin Just Spencer, W Jew 40, Bloody Brown Castle and the late arriving Tell It To My Nipples who got a down down for coming late and tried to do half a pitcher. Didn't even dent it.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash 16 Oct 2012 by Horn-E

.....Horn-E laid trail out of G & L Fire Escape and was greeted by a grand total of only two hashers from Georgia, and they were visitors in town for business. Major disappointment for them as that was their only opportunity to hash. But at least the trail was short, fun and tricky so they had a good time and we ended up at the bikini bar. Now that they enjoyed.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 18 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was a walkers trail set by Little Trojan Annie from Lottie's to celebrate the Pink Dress Hash Charity Hash with free left over beer. 312 beer. There was about 10 walkers and four actually ran a short live trail set live by Clark Kunt and Glitter Spitter for four hashers. Then about another eight showed up later and a nice party was held at the apartment of W Jew 40.

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash 20 Oct 2012 by Horn-E

.....A great day to lay trail in the woods. We ran from Cumberland and Irving Park with the usual hare, Horn-E laying trail. Trees were in various shades of color and the summer had left us with some real thick growths of woods and some sparse areas were we could really run. At the start, I was again met by only two hashers and they were two marines passing through town on leave from Afghanistan. Both had hashed in Baghdad and Kabul and were really set for a good woods trail. Just not alone. We took off across Irving Park and into the woods were the Buckthorn was really thick, almost impassable. Like running through a maze with thick walls of bushes and trees and a low overhead in parts. We finally came to a clearing. Well at least on the ground. There was an overhead of trees surrounded by the thick brush. I hid the beer here. But we ran on to a bigger clearing with waist high or higher prairie grasses. We stayed on paths and managed to miss most of the burrs as we ran south to a Check on a path. This stumped them for a bit with two Falses and they checked them both. then we back tracked a bit and into some more paths and little clearings until a dead end. Bingo, a back check. Then they almost didn't find their way back until they found the true trail. This led through some thick growth, but a somewhat apparent deer path. Finally we came out to a section of widely dispersed trees and low ground cover allowing us to really run. This is where they left the Horn-E sweep way behind. Just Dan was leading along here and really heading out finding the well marked trail until we hit another path. Here was a Check and Just Dan guessed wrong, but before Horn-E got there, Just Bill was already on trail. This ran on to another Back Check and Horn-E was just arriving as they found the On trail. This led to a sweeping trail off path and in good running woods full of multiple colors that wove back and forth allowing Horn-E to short cut and keep them in sight. Barely. Just Bill made it through a maze of sticker bushes to a path by a creek and a Triple Split. No body wanted that middle Split as it pointed to a moldy deer carcass in the creek bed. Just Bill headed west and was on right away. They ran the path past a bridge and finally back into woods. I lost track of them along here, but a sneaky hare always knows a short cut. They had run on to a Check and Just Bill picked right, left, and was right On trail, but a long way over a bridge. Just Dan arrived and could see Just Bill heading back on the other side of the low lands and short cut across and joined him as they now were running on paths to the east. These paths ran past the first bridge were Horn-E was waiting. They then kept on to the east and past that decaying deer. We were now downwind and for about twenty yards, you couldn't breath. They made a comment about how it was like running through some neighborhoods in Kabul. We then ran over the local hill and on the other side, the locals had built a large dirt track for remote control race cars and they were racing when we ran on by. Stopped and watched them for a bit. Then we crossed the creek bed and ran on along the creek until we hit a right turn. This crossed our original out trail and they then had to find trail in the overgrown buckthorn woods. This time the paths were almost invisible and Horn-E finally caught them just as they got to the beer at that original clearing. Great trail running and now we had great beer, Modus Hoperandi and Dales Pale Ale. We hung around in that clearing, where it was nice and cool and did an abbreviated circle and sang some good long songs. But all things have to end and they had to move on. I told them about Sundays trail, but even though they loved the trail, they were disappointed by the turnout and weren't coming all the way in from Northbrook for another small turn out. And unfortunately, that was prophetic as CH3 only had 11 on trail the next day.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 10/21/2012 by Horn-E

.....We had a trail by TampOn TampOff from Jacks Place. With a small turnout of only 10 hounds on trail and one hound, Glory Hole who walked to the beer stops. Trail headed east for a block and then north through a little park were the pack somehow was heading right back to the start. Huh. Horn-E was off trail having seen Taste The Rainbow heading north out of the park and so he couldn't figure out what was going on. But they returned and went through the park again and headed east this time in an alley. From here it was weaving back and forth as we headed southeast and then back to the west. More back and forth as the trail worked its way to the Dan Ryan. At this point I was in back and saw Just Jeremiah and Chicken Stifer heading under the highway. But they weren't on trail apparently as I got there there was a mark to the right side of the street. Huh. And all the time I am hearing whistles on my left and a block away. I went straight a bit further and suddenly I saw the pack coming out behind me. Huh. And they ran on to a Check. Taste The Rainbow headed north and found trail while the pack was scattered looking for marks. I saw Chicken Stifer on Halsted, but he disappeared somewhere. I found out we were at a Check so I checked to Halsted and saw nothing. Then I heard a whistle and saw hashers led by Taste The Rainbow, heading across Halsted to the north. I followed as he ran into an alley and over a fence and on to the west. We then did about a two block loop and entered an alley and to TampOn Tampoff's back yard and a first beer stop.

.....I arrived last, but Just Jeremiah and Chicken Stifer were missing. Finally Chicken Stifer arrived and stopped for only a minute before heading back on trail.

.....We finally headed out and to the south and then west. Again we were going back and forth when Drill In My Box went by saying she was running slow and much slower. Well, Horn-E was running even slower then that. We finally came to our first Check. This one held us up for a while before we found trail heading straight west. We headed on to another Check and this trail had us going northeast for a block and then straight east with a few loops. Suddenly Chicken Stifer passed me. Apparently he had trouble finding trail by himself and we passed him along the way. A few blocks later I saw Just Jeremiah and the pack was whole again. Just Jeremiah apparently got lost and ran and ran until he found a trail that had already been swept and joined the pack. A few blocks later the trail did a loop back and up onto some tracks. Hmmm. Last time up here we got chased by the cops. And this will probably head to this railroad spur on an overhead bridge. So I headed straight there and climbed up through the woods just as Taste The Rainbow went flying on by. I joined the pack and he headed south on the track and at 18th, I had it all figured out.

.....Back to the same beer stop where the FRBs were waiting and beer was flowing. this time Just Jeremiah was able to join us and I met out two virgins, Just Chris and Just Megnan. A beautiful day and we all hung around for two beers. Again Chicken Stifer didn't show and went back to the bar.

.....Back at the bar we were greeted by a litter of House Puppies including Just Do Me Slowly, Keyless Entry, Its Too Soft, Batteries Not Included, and Calvin Klein.

.....Taste The Rainbow started circle and we were drinking 16s of PBR. Much beer flowed and TampOn TampOff got the most. We were introduced to out two virgins. After circle we hung around for a while drinking PBRs until a bunch of us climbed into Just Do Me Slowly's car and headed on home. The other trail hounds included Just Ernie, Reverse Muff Diver, Ginger Snatch, Poultry Fucker.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash The Pink Dress Hash for charity 11 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was set out of Piano Man and we had two hares, Taste The Rainbow and W Jew 40. There was about 43 hounds at the start, but a lot of un, including myself, couldn't run. I hurt my foot. Four Score In The Back Door hurt his knee and Glory Hole is still recuperating. And a few others who were already on the sauce. The run was almost two hours with two beer stops at the Hidden Shamrock and the home of Bloody Brown Castle. After the hash we were treated to some good light food and then a rousing circle. Following that, we partied until the bar tender made us leave the back room and we went to the front bar and kept going. And when it was all over, we doubled the take from last year. Well done to the committee and all those that got contributions on the street, before hand and just paid to be there. And special thanks to Trojan Annie who busted her butt putting it all together.

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash 13 Oct 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was Gas Stop Bob's annual birthday hash and he laid a pretty good trail. twice. Damn rain. The location was Edgebrook Woods and most of the trail was in the bush. There was a TH3 Brunch before the hash and a bunch of hounds showed up to pissed to hash, Ice Princess and Hoosier Daddy, and two injured to hash or stand, Four Score In The Back Door and W Jew 40. And then there was Bloody Thighs whose running days are over, but they managed to get to the beer stop, the infamous no peek beer stop where Furry Spice got the 24 oz can of Clamato. Trail took off towards the tracks following Chicken Stifer into a wooded strip were Horn-E Found the way out and unto the tracks. Trouble was, the trail didn't go into the woods on the other side of the tracks. Instead it went about a hundred yards down the tracks to the left before entering the woods. I caught them in the woods and followed along trying to catch up, finally working my way to near the front as we exited the woods and crossed Caldwell. A block later was a Check, our only Check. Chicken Stifer found the trail to the left and we worked our way towards the railroad tracks through city streets. That was the last we saw of Chicken Stifer until he came into the beer stop last. Apparently he found some marks in a parking lot that weren't ours and then was lost. At the tracks about half of us had to wait for a train, but soon we were off and running back into the woods. Somewhere around here we lost Bloody Brown Castle. We ran on until suddenly we came out at a road. Trail followed this road along the golf course almost to the end when there was a sudden turn into the woods and out onto the golf course, Here we back tracked and headed west across the golf course and into the woods and a bridge into another section. More running in the woods here as we followed Or G and finally came out at another fairway. I headed towards another bridge and Lifa got there before me spotting another mark. Across the bridge and we followed a path along the golf course until we again got a chance to run into the woods. We did lose track of trail a few times in the woods and as we came to the river, Or G said he thought he saw a mark on the other side. O'Shitty Runch immediately headed across the river and found nothing. So he returned. And damn, if he went a little further he would have found marks. Meanwhile we headed east in the woods and eventually came out on Central. We crossed the bridge and headed into one little last section of the woods before coming to the beer stop.

.....After the beer stop, only five of us ran off on the rest of the course. Yeah, only five. Or G, Lifa, and Furry Spice led Little Trojan Annie and Horn-E through some city streets before entering the woods at Indian road. This gave us a short run along the river before we had to climb up to the tracks and cross the trestle. We kept going along the tracks until we finally headed back into the woods, just below the finish at a shelter. Good finish.

.....Gas Stop Bob got the grill going for some good hot dogs, and Lifa got the circle going in Big Dog style. We had one visitor, Riot Me This Riot Me That from Memphis and he ended up using a crutch. We did notice Hoosier Daddy sleeping on a chair during circle. Ice Princess has the picture. But he was woken up. Bad move. Never wake up Hoosier Daddy after he passes out. I'll leave it at that. Towards the end of the circle we were joined by Just Do Me Slowly who just came to mooch food and drink our beer. Who else was on trail? R-Tard-E and his father, SnatchSquatch.

.....Several of us hung around drinking beer until the cop came by to close the forest preserve. We then all ran towards the cars and were gone. Four of us, Lifa, Or G, Horn-E, and Gas Stop Bob ended up at the Nil.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 10/14/2012 by Horn-E

.....Lifa and Chippendale laid a trail out of Independence Tap on a beautiful day. Yeah, sure. They had a downpour just after they started laying trail. But then, all was good. And we gathered in the bar, including a mob from a TH3 hangover hash and flour fight. And they looked it. And just as we finally left, the clouds looked threatening. But we're hashers. At least half of us were. And after a block, it was SnatchSquatch who took the lead through two Triple Splits. The pack quickly came back to Irving Park and the rain was starting. A few of us, including one hare, Chippendale stood under an awning as the first quick gale came through. As it settled down, I took off across Irving Park with two visitors, Lost In My Rabbit Hole and Our Dirty Bitch from Memphis, and Its Too Soft and Mudsucker. Horn-E finally found trail at the far end of a park and led down a path to a Back Check. Damn hares. So we checked back and down a street to the SE. About two blocks later we started to catch up with the pack as they struggled through some splits. A few blocks later we ran through a park and across Addison to a Check. Everyone was checking to the east, so Horn-E headed west. Spotting Ball Cock Dumper and SnatchSquatch, he yelled for them to check it out. They found a Split and headed across the expressway. Horn-E tried the other direction and it led to the On trail, up a slope of grass and a very high chain link fence. Marks were spotted and the easy way seemed to be to crawl under the fence. Already wet, why not. At the other side was a Split and Horn-E headed SE on the tracks. On again, he led to a switch on the tracks and further SE. Finally Horn-E came to a trestle and the marks disappeared. Urine Love, a transplant to Chicago from San Diego and Horn-E crossed the trestle and found nothing. Meanwhile Little Trojan Annie found marks heading to the street below and a Triple Split. And the rain is really starting to pick up. We headed north to Addison and then east a block. We finally headed north. Back towards the bar? Hardly. A block later was a short sucker loop to the NW before returning to the same corner allowing Horn-E, Our Dirty Bitch and Lost In My Rabbit Hole to take a short one block lead. Triple Split again. Again, hoping against hope, Horn-E heads west. Nope. Trail headed east and then north. A block later we had another Triple Split. Horn-E was already to the west and he found nothing. Finally I could see Lifa making a mark to the east. Damn.

.....I had it and Chippendale was giving directions to our two visitors back to the bar. So we joined up and headed west and up to Irving Park and still 3/4 of a mile back to the bar. Meanwhile our visitor started to have some low sugar issues and we stopped for an emergency Sprite in MacDonalds. After she felt better we walked the rest of the way in like two soaked little homeless mutts.

.....Meanwhile the rest of the pack ran/walked on and finally SnatchSquatch realized they were two blocks from his house. So they held an impromptu beer stop. Then they headed back to the scheduled beer stop at Chippendale's garage. Finally they came trickling on it led by the Memphis hasher, Riot Me This Riot Me That leading those that did it all, SnatchSquatch, Its Too Soft, Just Jeremiah, Little Trojan Annie, Urine Love, Ball Cock Dumper, Mudsucker and the hares. Well done.

.....And who were all of those that were in the bar, high and dry. Well, Bloody Thighs and Just Do Me Slowly did try walking trail for a few blocks and quit when the rains hit. Then there was W Jew 40 and Four Score In the Back Door, still in need of crutches. Then we had the real house puppies Dark Kunt, Chicken Stifer, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Ice Princess and the late arriving Uploader who got there after the pack took off.

On On

Horn-E

.....Sunday was a big day with The Chicago Area Marathon Beer stop. And I want to thank all of the volunteers. My pen ran dry and I didn't get all of the names and I donb't want to exclude anyone so I won't list names. But the effort was fantastic with 25 to 30 hashers out there. Most brought something to share, many 30 packs and at least one 36 can donation. About 4 or 5 hashers helped continously with the opening and pouring aqnd they know who they are and how much the whole operation depends on their selfless efforts. And several spent a lot of time doing the dirty job of trying to sweep up OUR mess afterwards. Special thanks to them. And many spent time doing the most fun part, handing out beers to our frineds and, now get this, about 2600 to 2700 (best guess) marathoners and filling their faces with smiles and relief. That is the front line and what it is all about. We and 2700 marathoners thank you all.

.....Special note: I now have a contact and we might get sponsorship next year. I'll update when things get set.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 7 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was supposed to be laid by Batteries Not Included out of Cork & Kerry, but she conned Lifa and Mudsucker into haring an A to B hash from there, ending at Mudsucker's house. The location was three blocks west of the Marathon beer stop and there were 20 hashers outside the pub. But only 10 actually ran the hash, or parts thereof. The rest walked over to Mudsucker's house. We took off around this little park where SnatchSquatch answered that age old question, if a SnatchSquatch falls in the grass, does it make a sound? *U&^%TRY$#(*^@GFY Allah Damn pipe. I think the answer is, yes. Meanwhile the trail went on to the north through neighborhood streets. Finally at a Check, Lifa, sweeping on a bicycle, informs me that the trail is 6 to 7 miles long. WTF? I told him I would run until my tired ass and legs gave out and head to Mudsuckers. About a mile later, just after a False at a former dump site, now a park, and about three blocks west of Halsted, I made that decision as the trail was still heading north and away from the finish. I walked, jogged back. It was loooong. Finally after a Count Back, the pack got confused. Why not? Just stick to Check Backs. Hashers can't count. Anyhow, SnatchSquatch suddenly lost the pack as they rounded a corner. So he also quit. Somehow the udder 8 managed to finish and the one comment that stood out was something about long straights. And in circle, we sang "Shitty Trail" with enthusiasm. After we had great dogs on the grill with many condo mints. Only thing missing was the Ketchup. After eating 5 of us headed to the El and home. What happened after that, I have no idea. I know I was so tired, I came home and crashed. A full day.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 1 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

This hash was out of Burton Place and our hares were Sandy Syphilis and Just Katy. This was started like a typical race with Sandy Syphilis congratulating us for all of the training we did. But we're hashers and most of that was in bars doing aluminum curls. The trail was set to be exactly 2.62 miles a tenth of a marathon for all of these hashers not in shape to do much more. Everything was perfect and then it rained. Flour marks were to be mostly smudges with a few barely there, but mostly well marked with flour under overhangs and on dirt. There were 23 trail hounds at the start, but some did their trail to shot stops and beer stops while the rest of us fools ran that shitty trail.

We took off straight north to a Check at North and Wells. And there we stalled for a long time until we finally ranged past a two way Split that should have been a three way Split. From there on things worked a little better as trail headed south and west until we hit a Check at a strip mall on Division. This really stalled us until someone found trail through a park to the south. I have no idea who was in front, but Horn-E was definitely holding up the rear. Several blocks later we hit the first beer stop just after going under the El tracks heading east. And always, just as Horn-E almost caught up, the pack was off again. The next shot stop was in Bug House Square. But there was no mark out of there, at least in the direction the pack was ranging. So Horn-E finally ranged north to the NE corner of the Square. Still nothing until Glory Hole ran past him spotting a mark across the street, a Split. Glory Hole went north and Horn-E went east and found a mark. Bloody Brown Castle ran right past Horn-E and found a Check at State. He chose going north and was wrong. Horn-E went east. On one, On a Split, Off heading south, Returning just as Just Jeramiah arrived at the Split. Again Horn-E headed east and found the third mark as that damn Bloody Brown Asshole passed him again. And so did R-Tard-E, Ass2wish, Just Jeramiah and the whole pack was right on our ass as we hit Michigan and a mysterious mark. Horn-E went east across Michigan and that was the end of him. Trail went north then running west on Oak St to Rush. We ran north on Rush and State and east to Astor where the trail headed north for a block and a half to the beer stop and the finish. Back Door County and TampOn TampOff were the winners and One Fuck Chuck bailed out Horn-E by coming in five minutes after everyone. We all got solid gold medals as we were all winners for just finishing.

Back at Burton Place we got a slow start before we were finally allowed up stairs. Then we waited and waited until the beer finally got a steady flow. They tried to turn on the TVs for football, but Horn-E got them to turn the TVs off besides one at the far end. We're there to party and not watch TV. And The Dark Kunt didn't need any more distractions to her circle besides all of the private parties. The hare got their due, and their due, and when they couldn't finish any more, we gave them more. When beer ran out, we passed the tits and Soul Taco and Sorry I Swallowed collected a bundle. I was hoping they would make a second round. Recommendation, bring singles to every hash from now on. But even this ran out in short order and I finally left, much earlier then normal. That beer must of been high priced. But a good time was had by all.

Other Trail Hounds included Sir Fuckwit, Rusty Grudle, Chunder Pussy, Slippery Fingers, Reverse Muff Diver, Cock Whisperer, Hoosier Daddy, Drill In My Box, Snotcho Mama, Just Jas, Roofie Ragu, and Clark Kunt. House Puppies included Caught Red Headed, Its Too Soft, Tell It To My Nipples, Keyless Entry, Barf Fly and Mount Schwiiinga.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash 1 Oct. 2012 by Horn-E

Their were 20 hounds for this trail from the roof top of Its Too Soft and hared by SnatchSquatch. This included two visitors and four virgins. And off we went to the west and an immediate Three Way Split. This went south on Sheffield and then west on Diversey and into a gangway. But there was no mark in the alley. Being the second one here, I know that. So what happened. We both went around the block and I was joined by Taste The Rainbow as I re ran the same course. This time there was a turn arrow to the south and through a parking lot. Huh! But we ran on and west in an alley where suddenly the whole pack was right in front of us. We then headed south a block to a Check at a convergence of two alleys and a turn in the road. Horn-E followed R-Tard-E and Uploader into one of the alleys and we were on. Horn-E blew his horn, but no one was following. Uploader led us in and out of a T and E and around a hi-rise. Here R-Tard-E took the lead and they both ran on to a Check at Wrightwood and Lincoln. Horn-E ran south on Sheffield to this same intersection. Checking. So Horn-E ran east on Wrightwood and was On. Returning, he got the attention of Uploader and we were off. This led us in a twisting path of alleys and streets and Splits as the three ran on and through a gangway and across Diversey. Trail went straight through another gangway behind a high fence, we the three amigos ran around to the alley and on to the east and behind Durkins. We re emerged from the alleys on Diversey and headed west to the first street and then into alleys. Here the rest of the pack was finally catching the three amigos and we ran past the fire station to a Check on Diversey. Horn-E ran south and found only one mark. Someone else found marks to the north and past the Walgreens on the corner. This led through an alley and north on Burling and west on Oakdale. Here Horn-E was running behind and while looking for the trail, he saw the pack returning to that corner from the west. Bingo. as he headed north there was an arrow pointing right at him and he was now leading the pack back east on Oakdale and through an alley loop and to a Check at Clark. This one had the pack stumped for some time. The trail went east on Oakdale and into the first alley and then east at the T in the alley. But this was missed the first time through and we ranged all over. Horn-E ranged east on Oakdale to Broadway and found nothing. Heading north to Wellington, he returned to the west. Meanwhile the pack was finally On and heading the opposite way. Ooops! At Clark, no one around, Horn-E ranged north a bit and spotted a mark coming from the north and heading past the Gold Standard. Once On, On. He headed west, through some construction and a parking lot. After a Split, he found himself heading west on Barry to a Split at Sheffield, ran north and was off. Heading west, back On to a Check. This led south, through an alley and gangway and almost back to that Split on Sheffield and finally through a empty lot and alley and into a parking garage. Having passed BN, it was looking like a BS on the roof. Ran all the way up, loop after damn loop to the roof. Here was a true arrow pointing southeast over the edge. Looking down for an arrow on the ground below, there was some shouting. It was SnatchSquatch, and two House Puppies escorting the hare so he wouldn't get hurt in the dark, Two Girls One Cupcake and Its Too Soft on the next garage on the 5th floor roof. Damn hare. Down the elevator and across the street and up 5 floors to a beer. Here we waited as eventually the pack arrived on the other roof in small groups of 2 or 3 until almost everyone made it in.

Their were two virgin bimbos who made it this far. They were last seen by me as they poured the last of their beer into a drain. Never did get their names and they weren't at the finish for circle. If you ever read this, come on back.

We eventually left and went back to Its Too Soft's roof where a lively circle was held with many down downs. We had two visitors, Homo Global from Houston and Stunt Boobies from Toronto. There were two virgins who stayed, Just Ernie and Just Taylor. Welcome and cum on back. Sandy Syphilis was FBI and Horn-E was FRB. And you all ought to be ashamed to admit that old fart came in first. All right, he did miss part of the course. Taking advantage of return trail to close to a check is one of the advantages of not Check Hanging and being aggressive at Checks. Others on trail were Lifa, Mount Schwiiinga, Slippery Fingers, Jizz Mayonnaise, Sir Fuckwit, Just Kevin, Just Eh and Just Jay. The other House Puppies besides those at the Beer Stop were Mudsucker, Glory Hole, and Just Katy.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 30 Sept. 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was out of Dino's, a real north side dive bar, but a nice place. Good beer with Amber Bock for $6.50/pitcher. The pack was waiting as the hare, Horn-E ran up. And we were soon off and running. Or G warned the pack that with a small group, we stick together. He didn't mean hold hands, but they stayed so close together they almost could have. And then they weren't able to take advantage of all of the loops and shortcuts built into this trail. We headed to the north and over to the tracks before our first Check. Snotcho Mama was leading and picked the right trail, which led back to last Monday's trail in this area. But we went passed those marks, still there, but crossed out. We looped that old course twice, around the bus turnaround and back over the trail we ran in the first two minutes. Then we crossed Devon heading south and a Check at an alley. Or G went right, wrong. Just Do Me Slowly went straight, wrong. Snotcho Mama just stood around picking snot. When he finally saw them returning, he took off to the east and was On. South a block and back almost to the previous Check's False before heading south in an alley. And after two blocks we had a series of three quick splits and always the FRB to the split, picked wrong. This is where Or G yells, "'Horn-E's a rat bastard.' And then a quick Back Check. Got Just Do Me Slowly on that one, and as we followed, some plain clothes cop, standing behind a bar having a smoke, flashed his badge and wanted to know what we were doing. Finally, after much bitching about how far they had to go on the
Back Check, (two arrows) we headed back to the west and then south in another alley and finally out at Peterson and Ridge. We headed west and just before the tracks we headed into farm land. Crops everywhere, in this narrow field with family plots. We then crossed Peterson and more alleys and streets and Splits. But we were still together. Finally Snotcho Mama took off and actually did a loop on his own, coming back just as Or G went by. So I direct Or G to follow Snotcho Mama who now headed south and towards a second loop. But Or G is worried about Just Do Me Slowly, doing that loop. I told him to go on and I would watch for her. So Or G misses that first turn, under a light and goes off in an alley and gets lost, off marks. Snotcho Mama meanwhile misses a turn arrow for the next loop, under a light, and goes straight, passed where he should have been worried about no marks, ranges just far enough to find an on back Check. Meanwhile I short cut Just Do Me Slowly to that second loop where the other two should have been. Where did they go? We had no idea and finally Just Do Me Slowly took off to the west and south for three blocks and just off on her own doing the whole trail by herself. This led back over to Clark and a Check. She found this straight away and headed north, eventually to that Check that Snotcho Mama found at a fountain between Clark and Ashland. Horn-E stopped for some beer and followed her in the distance as trail dipped into an alley and through the Senn High School playing fields, through a little park, playground and to Horn-E's back yard for the beer stop. And there were the other two lost hounds. So we had a six pack under a beautiful full moon before walking back to the bar.

.....Back at the bar Just Do Me Slowly brought out some snacks and Horn-E got the Amber Bock flowing. a short casual circle drifted into some good conversation. Good low key end to the weekend.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 28 Sept. 2012 by Horn-E

.....Great turnout with 24 hounds at the start as our hares EZ On The Ass and Happy Ass Grabber set trail out of Grace St. Tavern. And this pack was moving fast as we headed north on Western. After a long block we had a Check and headed east. After two blocks there was a Triple Split at an alley and no one was On until someone hit the far north end of the alley. Fortunately I was already heading that way, but almost everyone passed me before we hit a Check at Irving Park. Now we knew it had to cross the street, but there was a solid wall of cars blocking us. Horn-E went west a bit waiting for the traffic to open up and when he crossed the street, he was on the first mark on the true trail. Finally he found the third mark and blew his horn again and again before someone started following. And it was just enough time to get caught at the light at Western. Damn, just when you get a break and are way in front, you get nailed by traffic and are right back in the pack. After the light changed, we headed west in a full pack and there was a turn back across Irving Park after one block. But only a few made it across before we got stalled by traffic again. Meanwhile the leaders were heading west in this park, so Bloody Brown Castle and Horn-E headed west without crossing the street and after two short blocks, Chicken Stifer crossed back and ran to a Split. He chose wrong heading into a dead end alley while Bloody Brown Castle grabbed the lead and led us north a few blocks to the entrance to the river path. By then the pack was back with us as we entered this path. But trail went only one block before heading back east and a Check after a block. The leaders found trail to the north and we were off. Trail went east in the alley just before Montrose and by the time I got there, the short cutters were already anticipating the trail going north at the end of the alley and headed north and across Montrose. And guess what. We had trail. So we ran west to the street just before the river and headed north where we found a Back Check. Horn-E went back to Montrose and checked out to the west and was ON. This led across the river and for two blocks before again heading north. At this point Chicken Stifer was on the south side of the street, running parallel. That was the last I saw of him until the beer stop where he was waiting. Sandy Syphilis passed Horn-E saying, 'I finally caught up'. Caught up? She blew right past him and took the lead to the north and a Split. Taste The Rainbow grabbed the lead and it was just a quick loop and back on the other side of the street, allowing Horn-E to grab the lead for just a bit as the pack soon blew past him, through an alley and back to Montrose for a Check. We wandered some local streets before hitting the park where the trail led to a Back Check. This allowed the whole pack to regroup. And we looked everywhere until the trail was found behind a ball field with a game going on. So we headed across the field where Taste The Rainbow was leading and finally heading south in the grass at the far end. This allowed several hashers heading across the field at different locations to range towards the obvious lead. That meant Horn-E for a few moments and then Poultry Fucker who led through the gate and to a Split. She chose correctly and headed west and in the middle of the block the trail headed across Irving Park. And we again got caught by traffic with some already heading west on trail to a Check at California. So Horn-E headed into this little park looking for marks and finding nothing. But all of a sudden the pack is following. Actually, trail did go that way, sort of, and around the swimming pool. Meanwhile Poultry Fucker wandered on this path and found an arrow pointing the wrong way. Horn-E back tracked on that arrow and found a BN mark. Running back, he spotted EZ On The Ass hiding behind a tree and laughing his easy ass off watching the pack in confusion, thirty feet away from the BEER. I'd laugh at that too.

.....After a very warm beer, we headed out again. Some were running on ahead and I hung back with Happy Ass Grabber and a small pack, walking along. I didn't realize that there was an actual trail going on from here and we walkers actually got to the beer almost a mile later, before the runners. And some of them ran past Lane Stadium during a game and found some beer some kids hid. Damn hashers stole their beer. Serves them right for trying to drink beer illegally. Not like us hashers drinking beer illegally on private property and outside.

.....And that is where we ended up, behind a factory, under a surveillance camera, circling up. And after a beer or so, we did circle and with our normal RA missing, that absent Kunt had to be replaced. And Little Trojan Annie stepped up and did a really shitty job. Well, that is what I am supposed to say. Actually a real good job, directing circle and coming up with songs and leading 'Today is Monday'. Well done. We also ended up with one last down down featuring Drill In My Box as she ended up, up ended with her box being drilled by ice cubes as she was set in the ice filled ice box, bare box.

.....Then we headed off to the bar where cans of PBR flowed on into the night. I spent a lot of time talking politics with Snotcho Mama. Now EZ On The Ass, get off my ass on how it is spelled. I wasn't there when he got named and only heard it once before. I also spent a lot of time talking to 6.9 Andy, or is it 6.9 And Y? I finally left at 12:45 and almost half the pack was still there.

.....Who else was on trail? W Jew 40, Just Do Me Slowly, SnatchSquatch, Just Jeremiah, One Fuck Chuck, Roofie Ragu, That Thing That Vibrates, Ass2wish, Slippery Fingers, Just Kate, Hump Me Dump Me, Tumbleweed Of The Pubes, Glitter Spitter and Clark Kunt. We had just two house puppies, Glory Hole, still injured and Mount Schwiiinga, working late.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash 9/24/2012 by Horn-E

.....A small turnout of only 10 trail hounds as Caught Red Headed and Hoosier Daddy laid a trail out of Red Line Tap.

.....Short comment here. Just because the trail isn't in the normal comfort zone, or close to your home, doesn't mean you can't come on out. These hares, living on the fringes of the normal TH3/CH3 comfort zone, go down south to your hashes within the comfort zone. Give them a chance when you can. They lay good trails also, and would like to showcase their neighborhoods. This one was less then a hundred yards from the Morse Red Line stop. Not inconvenient. Even Lifa made it from the far west suburbs.

.....After a short chalk talk with many complaints of no blue chalk, the hares demonstrated their marks in white DRYWALL. Then we were off and running with Slippery Fingers immediately heading the wrong way. He spotted some marks while he parked his car. Lucky bastard. Meanwhile we headed west through a school yard and eventually west to Clark. Then we found ourselves heading south in a zig zag pattern west and east of Clark with frequent checks. Poultry Fucker was turning into the real FRB of this trail as she found a lot of the checks along the way. As I was falling behind we headed to the corner of Clark and Devon for a Check. Hoosier Daddy was sweeping and told me of that Check. As I approached I saw one of the hounds heading east on Devon so I took advantage of traffic and crossed Clark. At Devon I spotted a arrow hidden in the shadows of a post, heading north. So I followed it and encountered Chicken Stifer as I yelled 'On Two'. He said there was one ahead. That made three. This is why we sometimes follow other hashers on paths. Sometimes they miss a mark and he missed that hidden arrow in the shadows. So we were On and heading into a playground. We had a bit of a problem finding the mark leaving the area and by then the whole pack had arrived. We headed west for two blocks and then worked our way south towards Granville and east towards Broadway. Caught Red Headed lives around there. Beer Stop? Yeah! But not in his place. In an alley just off Broadway. And Poultry Fucker was first in, again leading the pack. And somehow O'Shitty Runch ended up as DFL. Something about stopping in a gay bar along the way for a impromptu beer stop. Yeah sure.

.....From here it was about a mile walk back with Lower Wackoff and Horn-E taking the alleys while Four Score In The Back Door led everyone north on Sheridan saying we would get lost. We were there waiting for them at the bar. Who else was on trail? Keyless Entry, Furry Spice, and Lifa.

.....We had a litter of House Puppies including SnatchSquatch who led the circle, Glory Hole still injured, Its Too Soft, Just Jeremiah and eventually One Fuck Chuck wandered in. And we ended up the circle with Swing Low and the Crazy Lady Version since this was that all started.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

Chicago Hash 9/17/2012 by Horn-E

.....This was a farewell hash for Cum In My Ass Fault out of The Dram Shop. She had two co-hares in Caught Red Headed and This Feels Wong. And it rained right up to five minutes after the hash started. Would the white flour marks still be there. Yes and No. And don't fall behind like I did or you will really struggle. It is a lot easier to find a faded out mark or skip ahead to the next mark with 25 people then it is with one. Thank God for a loop or I might still be out there.

.....Twenty-four hounds took off to the east and after a half block we had a shot stop. WHY? Lets move on. It is still raining. And we quickly did and looped around in an alley where we ran the length of the alley without a mark. Somehow, on returning there was a bright dry turn arrow heading south. This eventually led to a side street Check at Surf. Trail headed south on a side street and almost got into the loop I found a half hour later. Huh. To close and the pack missed a turn arrow into an alley that could have really blown the hash. But Caught Red Headed called out and Horn-E saw the turn arrow and made a quick twist and somehow strained his back. Yeah, it is still strained, lower back. Look, what would a write-up be if this old man wasn't bitching about one pain or another. So we ran on through some twist of alleys as we crossed Diversey and into more alleys. This is where I lost the pack as I was removing my rain gear. Yeah, rain stopped. By the time I got to where the pack turned, I couldn't see them and couldn't find a mark in the alley, or when the trail headed out of the alley. I tried to back track and look around for the marks and meanwhile the pack somehow silently slipped behind me and headed back to Diversey. Whistles? Horns? Calling out On On? So I finally finds the mark over to Clark and am searching for another mark, a turn somewhere. Suddenly I hear Grateful Dick yelling On On at Diversey and Clark. Going a block north I saw nothing and so I assumed the yell was just a siren mixed with horn honking and some loud farts or maybe an air raid. So I run on and finally find the mark into Mac Donalds. At the end of the parking lot is a Check. Going south and east found nothing. Trying north I spot a pile of flour behind a post. So I go north to Diversey and see nothing. No turn mark on Diversey to Clark where I thought I heard a yell. Crossing the street and heading west, I spotted a fresh mark. Looking across the street I could see a mess of flour on the other corner. A Check. Damn, if I went one block further when I heard Grateful Dick, I would be back with the pack. So I head east and after two blocks of hidden, but still there marks, I find a turn arrow south. Remember where Caught Red Headed yelled for the pack so they wouldn't run into another part of trail. Well, here it was. And just as I'm about to cross the street, I see runners ahead. This time I caught the short cut as I saw Bloody Brown Castle heading my way. As Sheridan I rejoined the pack as they headed north, through a parking lot, a parking garage and into the park. And there ahead is the pack standing near the tunnel drinking beer. And I wasn't even DFL after all of that shit. Damn!

.....After the beer stop we headed back and Lifa and I were leading the walkers when the rain started up again, and hard. We ran on into the Dram Shop. We were supposed to circle outside in their back yard, but with the rain, Taste The Rainbow circled us up inside in the small tight back part of the bar. And it went fairly well. Then we headed out into the back yard after the rain stopped for burgers and brats. Good time. Farewell, Cum In My Ass Fault.

.....Other hounds on trail included String Theory, Sandy Syphilis, Slippery Fingers, Reverse Muff Diver, The Dark Kunt, Just Dan#1, Just Dan #2, O'Shitty Runch, Flying Hooters who is moving on to Houston, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Mommy Strangelove, Hoosier Daddy, Barf Fly, Just Jay, Just Jeremiah, Furry Spice, Packer Mache a visitor from Memphis, Rusty Grundle, and Drill In My Box. We had a large litter of House Puppies including Just Kate, Mount Schwiiinga, Just Brian, Glory Hole, Just Do Me Slowly, and R-Tard-E.

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 9/20/2012 by Horn-E

.....We had 30 hounds for this trail out of Big Joe's Pub with Drill In My Box and Just Dan #1 laying tail and dancing us all over the area looking for light and faded marks. Drill In My Box did sweep and helped a bit as we went along trying to find those light marks. Damn sidewalk chalk. Or was that chalkboard chalk to celebrate the teachers going back to work. So, after a chalk talk, the pack took off. But where. About 20 went north and another 10 headed east. Huh. Did I miss something. I ran north following that pack, but not seeing any marks until I saw the pack at a Split. I looked and there was the Split, barely visible and in the shadows. Alright, it did get better as we ran, but we still struggled for quite some time. We had another Split and then headed under the tracks to a Check at an alley. I headed north and the pack suddenly ran east. At an alley the trail headed south and I was paralleling when the leaders came over to the street I was on. They were lost again and suddenly there was a mark heading south. At the next alley there was a Split and the trail was already marked. Must have been that portion of the pack that went the wrong way at the start. We worked our way over to Ashland and Foster and the trail turned south again. We're now in back and trying to catch up. Two blocks later we headed across Ashland and south on Clark. At this point I am leading this small pack in back. And I'm finally spotting marks consistently. Then I hear and see the front pack on the east side of the street heading south. They are yelling On and I'm definitely On, on the west side of the street. What gives here. After several blocks we hit Lawrence and I have an arrow turning east to the other pack. Huh. And they are still heading south and over to the west side of the street where I was. Huh. A half block later I come to a Split, but the pack ran straight. Back Door County, running alongside me, notices that they seem to be stopped. So we figure they were not on trail and we headed into the alley. And we were On. What we didn't know is that they were at a Check. Actually, the hares shouldn't have had a Split here, because Back Door County and I were on the course the hare wanted us to take. We flipped a fence and ran around this park to a Split, checked it out and eventually circled back to that Check were everyone was standing. Only they aren't standing there anymore. We were the only ones sucked into that loop and the pack was now gone to the east. We zigged and zagged a bit and then hit a long straight heading east to the college and past some gang members yelling out at us. Where we going to have to fight our way out of this? At the college there was a Check and as some of the back pack were starting to Check this out, they heard yells on Montrose from some FRBs. So we headed straight over there were Drill in My Box was yelling to those FRBs including Taste The Rainbow and Chicken Stifer to inform them they missed a shot stop. When I got there I figured, I don't do shots so why stop much less back track. So I ran On to the west on my own. And from here on in, I only missed one of many Checks and Splits, and that one came right back to me anyhow. And I just cruised On, heading west and north until I got to the beer stop. Unfortunately, Just Dan was still at the shot stop and I had to wait for 12 thirsty minutes before the pack arrived and beer was flowing. But that is what happens when you skip stops. After this I headed north for four blocks to get back to Foster and the bar. And the pack gathered soon.

.....The Dark Kunt got the circle going and we had a rowdy good time in that tiny back room. Of course those damn hares got plenty for that trail of mystery. And we also got our virgin, Just Amy. Welcome to the hash. When she was asked in the circle for her favorite aquatic animal, she said shark and suddenly there was this shark circling her with its fin out of water. No wait, that was Horn-E with his hand in the air. God Damn ham. And we also met Three Men And A Horse, a visitor. And the circle went on and on until we had a sudden stop for four pizzas. All right!!!

.....When we reconvened the circle, it was for Just Dan's naming. And what a questioning session it was. That man had more good excuses for a bad name then about any other naming we ever had. We finally compiled about 20 possible names, and many were good choices. But slowly we eliminated then until we were left with One Fuck Chuck. And that will be his name forever more. He'll never get that second fuck with that resume'. Then there was a sudden proposal to remane Just Roger/Udderly Hipster. And one look at him and you'll agree with our new choice, Clark Kunt.

.....Other hounds on trail included Just Jeremiah, Chunder Pussy, Furry Spice, Little Trojan Annie, EZ On The Ass, Reverse Muff Diver, Slippery Fingers, W Jew 40, Poultry Fucker, Just Kate, Just Jas, O'Shitty Runch, Bloody Brown Castle, Glitter Spitter, Ass2Wish, Just Lauren, Hoosier DaddySnut Your Mama and Tumbleweed Of The Pubes. We also had a large litter of House Puppies including Rusty Grunch, Tell It To My Nipples, Way To Much Jism, Its Too Soft and Sandy Syphilis.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 9/13/2012 by Horn-E

.....It was a dark and rainy night to be running a live trail out of Lincoln Tavern. But Just Roger and Happy Ass Grabber somehow managed to pull it off. And even in the rain, the marks were great and not hard to follow. As for the trail, all planned by Just Roger and he ran over it three times. Then he texted the trail directions to Happy Ass Grabber. It took a ream of paper to print out. And so they took off in the light rain. We finally followed with 22 hounds and a late arriving Lifa to make 23 in the rain. An excellent turnout considering. And the pack really preformed like a blind pack of hounds with their noses plugged up. At least at the start. Horn-E finally spotted an arrow in an alley pointing back to the start. We finally figured that this was a three way split going the other way. And off we ran. This trail really twisted back and forth with never a straight of more then a block. We finally hit a Check at Damen and North. Six corners. I saw Ginger Snatch heading south on Damen and I did the same on the other side of the street. I never saw her again until the first beer stop. How she got back to the pack and ahead of me, I'll never know, but with that zig zag trail, she could have really found a short cut. She was FBI. Meanwhile I came back to the Check and the pack was gone. I was soon on the trail but never saw anyone for the longest time. Thankfully most Splits and Checks were marked. I finally ran through this park and Lifa came up behind me. We rounded the corner into an alley and there was the pack. At last. And at a Check. So I'm out checking and some idiot in a car, backs into another car, serious damage, and drives off. Lifa is meanwhile recording his license. Gotcha you bastard. Then we were on to the south and soon another Check at Division. And half the pack is missing, having already found the trail. Meanwhile the rest of us are running around lost until Horn-E finally spotted a small dollop of flour in a playground. Bang, we're on and after a quick little mess up on a wrong marked Split, we were in Happy Village, Lifa's favorite bar, for a beer stop. Four were missing, but Drill In My Box finally led them into the bar as DFLs. Including some virgins. Don't lose them. I need 23 more to get into Allah's heaven and at my age, I don't have much time.

.....We were soon back into the hunt running side streets and towards Ashland and Division. I was back with four others and Hoosier Daddy led them in some crazy loop in a parking lot. Horn-E managed to see the way out and blow his horn, but they didn't follow right away. Trail headed up Milwaukee and into an alley. Coming back out onto Milwaukee it crossed the street and through a ice cream place. At the exit was a Check. We went around and found marks coming back to Milwaukee and took off on them, not even knowing we were on a Check. Well, we scattered through out the K Mart parking lot for far to long. We finally exited on trail and to a Back Check in a playground. Horn-E found this and yelled to Keyless Entry to head down the alley and we were off. From here is was more alleys until we crossed North with a BN right ahead. Horn-E got caught by a red light and came in DFL. There was the pack, standing in the rain, drinking beer. Those soggy mutts would do anything for a bone(r) or a free beer. From here is was straight back to the bar where we found two dry House Puppies sitting around the fire, or whatever. TampOn TampOff and The Dark Kunt.

.....The Dark Kunt soon had us circling and we drowned the hares in numerous down downs. We were introduced to our virgins, Just Jas, Just Jackie and Just Rich. Welcome.Where was Just Jodie? And Just Jackie beat the two guys in down downs, twice. We have a keeper. We also get around to naming our hare, Just Roger. He will forever be known as Udderly Hipster. The other hounds on trail were Just Jeremiah, Taste The Rainbow, That Thing That Vibrates, O'Shitty Runch, Jizz Mayonnaise, Just Dan, Just Matt, Glitter Spitter, Malort My Ass, Just Dave, Ass2wish, and Little Trojan Annie.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Hash, 9/10/2012 by Horn-E

.....We ran out of Jury's and had a pack of 20 trail hounds at the start. Out hares were Glitter Spitter and Jizz Mayonnaise laying a live trail and That Thing That Vibrates handling the beer stop and shot stop, which I'm told were the same spot. Out injured GM, SnatchSquatch accompanied her there. I looked at colored chalk in the chalk talk and was concerned. With reason it turned out. We headed south through a series of alleys just east of Lincoln with some Splits along the way. We came back to Lincoln and headed further south after a Check. We had another Check at Irving Park and Lincoln. No one seemed to find this for a while. Finally we were On, apparently further south on Lincoln. On what I didn't know because I didn't see any marks, but they kept going south on Lincoln. Finally trail headed directly south on a converging street. That is when I saw my first Blue Chalk mark. Oh Oh. When I next caught the pack they were coming back from the west. Apparently they didn't find any marks that way. Going backwards we saw a Split coming out of an alley. All right, west isn't it. So we headed east and were scattered all over the next corner looking for a mark. Finally Taste The Rainbow went back a bit and saw a blue turn arrow down another alley. All right, back on white, we headed down the alley coming out at Addison. Back over to Lincoln, again. The pack was scattered and suddenly yelling On to the north on Ravenswood. On what? Then Pied Piper pointed out the Check. In blue. I was standing on it and didn't see it. So we followed on Ravenswood for a bit and the two of us decided to blow off this trail and head back. About a block later we managed to spot a blue arrow in the dark. We only spotted it because Taste The Rainbow had remarked the trail with white so we could see the two arrows next to each other.

.....Back at the bar we found the House Puppy, Two Girls One Cupcake drinking a glass of wine. We ordered a pitcher of beer and relaxed. We were half through that when Chicken Stifer arrived. Apparently he quit the trail after the shot stop/beer stop and walked back. Another quarter of the pitcher and Taste The Rainbow arrived, not happy. He said he quit after 6.9 miles and just came back. It was another ten minutes before the pack arrived.

.....So, we're back and we head for the beer garden and start the circle with Taste The Rainbow running the show. This went on for some time until we were warned by the waitress that they were getting complaints from the neighbors. That and some nosy woman looking down at us from her window. It was just a little after ten. Legal time. So we went inside and quickly finished our circle, mingled a bit and I left at about 11pm, with only 7 hounds left behind.

.....The other hounds included Just Roger, Just Jeremy, Sir Fuckwit, Soul Taco, Poultry Fucker, R-Tard.E, Monkey Semen Monkey Do, Master Debaiter, Just Dan #2, Just Dan #1, Just Jeremiah, Lepvacaun, Just Daniel, Bloody Brown Castle, This Feels Wrong, Reverse Muff Diver. We also had one other House Puppy, Its Too Soft.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

.....The Second City Hash, 26 Aug 2012 by Mr Ed from Minneapolis H3

Hey you old backslidders,

Mr & Ms Ed came to Chi-town to tip beer (we did a lot of that); and to do trail with you guys. We were told Horn-E was on the disabled list and Soar Balls got run out of town a year ago (didn’t see him at Bungle either). Anyway, both were missed at 2^nd City’s trail on Sunday. We elected to skip the post-POP to do the Naperville event and are very glad we did. So what, happened? Well here’s my write-up

It drizzled, it rained, and then it poured a bit. Temps in the 80s and lots of off piste trail (McDowell Grove Preserve & the DuPage River trails) made for a fun afternoon. Whoreo & Bubbles, The Sad Beer Clown set a 5 mile live hare adventure; with things marked surprisingly well in chalk and globs of flour. The pack did a great job of “team breaking & marking the trail” (the front found trail & the middle marked). Gracias to Lifa, Little Trojan Annie, etc. from this Turkey. I missed the last third, when WJew40 offered me a “Chevy Shortcut” ride. I heard there was a loooong Backcheck on the Eagle trail after the Beverage Stop. We returned to the hares abode and cleaned up. A feast was prepared and the dozen-plus of us indulged. The Eds were invited to guest-RA the indoor post-trail circle and did a good job for a half an hour or more. We had great singing, flashing (thank you again Annie), and a Tidy Whitie check. Everyone (except the co-hare dog) got at least two or more Down Downs—including SpeckleBird and his “Dino-joke” kids. Then the hosts suggested we adjourn over to the clubhouse/pools for more On After there. So we sang the hash hymn and the partying continued across the complex.

Unfortunately that is all reportable from this end as we had to leave. Thanks to all for a great time and especially the Texas-headed hares for the truly memorable afternoon. Remember always: Hashers don’t waste beer – it’s the other way around.

On On,

The Eds

ps Horn-E: How do I get a FMH3 jacket Patch? Ask me. I have patches for both Moon Hashes.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash, Sep 1. 2012 by Rhotan

moon went well- was little disappointed by the turnout- great night, good beer, hurricane stop....

Full Moon Hash Saturday, September, 1, 2012

Hare: Rhotan and Bloody Thighs

Start location: Sheridan stop on the Red Line

The Great Blue Moon and Hurricane Moon Hash!

Two fantastic events came together at the same time to provide a dramatic backdrop for this “hash of the year”…. The second full moon in August, makes it a “Blue Moon” even though we actually ran on the 1^st of September and the remnants of Hurricane Isaac were spilling into the Chicagoland area. The trail was set with the promises of hurricanes and Blue Moons by the esteemed hares, Rhotan and Bloody Thighs. The hounds started to assemble underneath the “el” , Dicken’s Cider, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, LIFA, Just Josh, and Mudsucker. Pre-trail hurricanes were offered up by the hares, bags were stashed, and the chalk talk commenced. The hares offered a “eagle” trail and a “walker” trail and surprisingly, due to injured hashers, only LIFA and Just Josh opted for the “eagle” trail. The walker trail meandered through the lovely neighborhood north of Irving Park and then across LSD towards the first stop- the “hurricane” stop. The foolish eagles were treated to a crazed ass trail through Wrigleyville, down to Belmont, with an awesome circle- jerk just south of the harbor, shiggy was found behind Belmont Harbor and the hounds finally met up near the golf course at Addison for hurricanes. The walkers Bloody Thighs, Dicken’s Cider, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, and Mudsucker arrived slightly before the eagles and headed down to the waterfront to watch the awesome waves crashing in and suck down hurricanes. Following closely behind were the overachievers, LIFA and Just Josh, grumbling about the marks, the circle jerks, and other high praises for the hare! At this point the walkers had done about 6-7 miles and they opted for auto-hashing to the Blue Moon stop, so they piled into the truck for the ride to Montrose. The hounds LIFA and Just Josh, with a hearty” high ho”, headed (who said “head”) out on trail. They claim that they lost trail 100 meters away from the hurricane stop, but found it again as it wandered to the lake and back to the golf course. Meanwhile the walkers and the hares headed to Cricket Hill (that huge hill near Montrose Harbor) where the Blue Moon beer stop was located. The cooler was breached, Blue Moons distributed, and the chips were wrested from the hare’s hands while all eyes looked into the darkness in anticipation of the hound’s arrival. A hearty On-On and a whistle or two announced the appearance of the rest of the pack. The evening was warm, the rain stayed away and the moon was starting to peek out from the clouds, perfect for the hare’s plans to circle up on the top of the hill under the “Blue Moon” Beverages were opened and circle convened with the first of many calls for the hares into the circle. The claim from LIFA was a trail of 9.01 miles and Dicken’s Cider claimed 6.5 for the walkers. So, Rhotan and Bloody Thighs were cited for the “short” trail. Dicken’s brightened the circle with an additional “moon” and got a down-down for that. Mudsucker was called in for numerous infractions including “mr tiny bladder” for pissing numerous times on trail and being a perv and peeing on a playground. The “injured” hashers- Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Dicken’s Cider, and Mudsucker were called in for doing the grueling walker trail and auto-hashing to the beer stop. LIFA was nominated numerous times for various infractions on trail, including FRB and doing the honorary down-down for HornE who was away molesting children or beer cans or some such nonsense. Just Josh stepped in for his first Full Moon trail and getting LIFA lost on trail. Much fun ensued and two hashers, Little Trojan Anne and W Jew 40 were delayed on their trip form Indiana but texted that they would try to make circle. The full moon finally cleared all of the cloud cover and the hares ordered up a display of fireworks from Navy Pier. Great fun was had by all and the hashers retired to the Holiday Club for on-afters and to meet up with Little Trojan Anne and W Jew 40.

On, On-

Rhotan

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 9/6/2012 by Horn-E

.....This was a real big turnout for a regular hash, about 42 on trail, and we ran out of Rebel. We had three hares, Cock Whisperer, Slippery Fingers and Bloody Brown Castle. Just after arriving I ran into Steve The Train Wreck, a new transfer to Chicago. Welcome. Soon we headed out and across the street to an empty lot and a chalk talk. Then we were off to the west and after two blocks we had our first Check. And the bastard hares got us all on a False Trail. Well done you bastards. We then returned to the Check and wandered for quite a while. Some hashers returned from the south without finding anything. So Horn-E headed south to give it a second try. He found a flour arrow half imbedded into the weeds under the El track. At the alley he found a Triple Split and yelled On and relayed that he was on a Triple Split. He chose right and correct, and came out at the next street to the south, but still not at the next arrow yet. Suddenly three of the faster hashers came running down the street and into the alley ahead of Horn-E. Chicken Stifer yelled On right. Unfortunately, the next arrow after the Split wasn't found yet. All right, they were eventually On, but they didn't even know there was a Split, If the trail went one of the other ways, they would have screwed up the pack really good. Just wanted to show that shortcutting to the head of the pack can occasionally cause confusion and wrong calls. This one got lucky. Then at the end of the block we crossed the street only to find a Split Arrow coming from the west. But we were coming from the north. apparently those leaders missed a turn arrow somewhere. Within blocks this had us at a shot stop. We barely got running and we were stopping already. Well, Horn-E doesn't do shot stops so he took off and found trail that required a climbing of a fence and the trail was soon on to the east and the pack was right behind him and soon past him. So, what else is new. This led to a Check in the middle of a parking lot. Several of us headed southeast and the trail went northeast. Poultry Fucker and Horn-E headed on anyway and the pack headed to a Check at the six corner intersection on Halsted. Since we were to the south, we covered that. As I headed north, the pack suddenly headed east on Barry. This led to a Split and through a gangway into an alley. We almost lost it here, but someone found trail behind a building and over to Wellington. Here we stalled as a pack and couldn't see the turn arrow to the east. But the pack eventually ran on to the east and north on Broadway. We then ran down Briar and into the back alleys. As I caught up to the pack I could see them standing around like they were lost. Suddenly they started running straight again. Somehow they couldn't see a mark about 40 feet away. A bright arrow. But that was the pack on this trail. Some FRBs and a group that didn't seem to be able to see anything. From here we ran over to Belmont and the entrance to the Park and Belmont Harbor. Horn-E and R-Tard-E were running together here and near the back. This was the last I saw of Just Ericka. I believe that was her name. She did seem to disappear until she arrived with Caught Red Headed, half way through our circle. But meanwhile we ran on, and Poultry Fucker was back there with us and we ran through the park. This ran on to past Addison and through a tunnel. We finally saw a few hashers up front as we caught up to the back of the pack. From here it was a few more streets to the west and then several blocks under the El Tracks to the beer stop. Here I ran into the transplant from Jakarta, I Koilom Bollocks. I'll leave the interpretation up to you. Nice Harriet, who left halfway through the circle. Hope she returns. Back at the bar, The Dark Kunt took over and led us in a circle, with many calls for the hares. We had many hashers on this trail. Hope I got most of them listed here. Jizz Mayonnaise, Just Mary, Just Kate, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Hoosier Daddy, Back Door County, Sandy Syphilis, That Thing That Vibrates, W Jew 40, Glitter Spitter, Cum In My Ass Fault, Malort My Ass, Just Roger, Mommy Strangelove, Sir Fuckwit, Roofie Ragu, AssUWish, This Feels Wrong, Monkey See Monkey Do, Rusty Grundle, Sorry I Swallowed, TampOn TampOff, Just Sammy, Just Jeremiah, Just Mary, Just Dan, Just Erik, Just Lindsay, Just Megan and Just Noga. The House Puppies included String Theory, Mount Schwiiinga and Little Trojan Annie. If I get any of these names wrong, remember I drink. See you tonight for a few more beers.

The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dog Hash 9/8/2012 by Horn-E

.....Well, I'd like to tell you about this trail, but I never saw it. Oh, I was there all right, just minutes before the start. We were standing around in La Bagh woods, drinking beer and waiting for a late start to get off. A few minutes before Lifa said we'd take off, nothing was happening. You know, like a circle or something. So I walked about a hundred feet to the beer pavilion for a last taste before leaving and as soon as I returned, minutes, the pack was gone. I rushed back and Bloody Thighs indicated they went south. And south was an entrance to the woods. So I headed into the woods and saw no one and no marks. Apparently they moved the circle to the end of the parking lot. Why, I can't imagine. So while they are talking about the marks, I'm ranging further and further into the woods, and constantly looking towards the parking lots and into the woods. Nothing. So I ran on to the railroad trestle crossing. No Marks. I ran over and west, constantly looking for marks. Nothing. I ran to Cicero and a return bridge crossing. Nothing. I ran back through the woods towards the Beer Society Picnic. Nothing. I ran over the start again. Nothing. WTF. So I went and got a beer. Meanwhile, as I heard it, Chicken Stifer and Poultry Fucker laid a trail from the end of the parking lot, through another parking lot and mainly through a bunch of local streets. City Streets? We're in the woods. Well, maybe a little woods. TampOn TampOff was the first in with Or G and Lifa. Back Door County, Chunder Pussy and R-Tard-E lost trail and returned early. The KGB arrived well after the trail and ran the trail alone. The Camp Puppies included Bloody Thighs, Just Do Me Slowly, Sir Poops A Lot, Always Come First, Magnetic Muff, Just Bob, Gaping Panda and Just Nicole.

.....As for the picnic, when I arrived, everyone was well into the Salsa competition. After the trail I got into the chili's. My apartment smelled like it the next day. We finally ended up with the rib competition and deserts. And when the voting ended, Back Door County took Second Place for her Chili. Well done. Chicken Stifer was seen going around picking up ballots from the ground to stuff the ballot box. He made some comment about, 'How do you think I was GM for four years.' Well, we know that, but her Chili was good enough to make it on its own. Didn't need ballot stuffing, just more tasters. It was damn good.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 3 July 2012 by Horn-E.

.....Licker leash laid this trail out of Simone's at 960 W. 18th St. The last time the hash was in here was after a Chinese New Year Hash when we ended up playing Truth or Dare and Crop Duster ran around the room without a shirt and Come In My Ass Fault ..... put smiles on our faces. We expected a few more to take advantage of this great opportunity for a good hash and great fireworks. We had both for this short trail. We took off to the south and east as we snaked around TampOn TampOff's house and neighborhood. Lifa led us until he got off on a Check and Lower Wackoff led us through an alley and further south to another Check. Here Lifa took over and we went south and then west to a Check by some tracks. That sucked Horn-E onto the tracks, but it was Lower Wackoff's turn again and he headed south towards a factory zone. Here the hare laid a long Back Check behind the factory in their parking lot. Horn-E finally got in front as he headed around the factory and the others squeezed between fences trying to catch up. And they did at the next Check where Horn-E led through a locked gate and to a well manicured path along the river. But this beatuiful path disappeared into river scrabble and junk and weeds. Trail followed the river for a bit until heading through a parking lot and out to Halsted. Lifa was now leading and got stuck on a long loop over the bridge to the south only to have to return and regroup the pack. Lifa and Lower Wackoff ran on ahead and into an alley and through a parking/docking area behind a factory and out to a street. Checking. They both headed east towards Chinatown. meanwhile Horn-E and Licker Leash slowly came out of the empty lot. Horn-E noticed this van in the lot, but thought nothing of it. He ran north under the exit ramp from the Dan Ryan and found the On trail. Returning he found Licker Leash and heard his tale of woe. That van in the lot had two large (about two doughnuts short of a gigantic muffin) cops (At least that is what their T-Shirts said). But when they stopped Licker Leash, it wasn't about directions to the nearest all you can eat Chinese buffet. Guns were drawn. The usual dumb questions about running through some property that wasn't posted and that dangerous piece of drywall he had in his hand. One made some comment about that was his property which makes the cops on duty seem quite suspicious. Anyhow, Licker Leash went back looking for the others while Horn-E ran on to the beer, hidden in a dumpster. He didn't find them, but the ranging Lifa did manage to eventually find trail. We ripped open the garbage bag holding the beer and water. Then we were attacked by a vicious dog, snarling and barking. Lifa backed of and Horn-E froze. The dog walked around Horn-E and pissed on our bag of beer. Obviously making a statement that this was his corner. Meanwhile the owners came along with their other dog, the big one, on a leash and as quiet as a puppy. It is the little ten pounders that are vicious. Halfway through our beers, the missing Lower Wackoff finally showed up. All was good and the beer was both good and cold.

..... Before we left, Licker Leash called to let us know the area we started at had cop cars and fire engines all over. What's up? We walked back that way and found the fire engines leaving. Apparently some fireworks landed on a roof and started a small fire.

.....The On In was at the apartment of Licker Leash and Five Hole Failure. We soon had cold beers and were out on the balcony enjoying the night area and slight breeze. The grill was started and we started a circle. Well, a long line on the narrow balcony. We had to frequently stop for the fire works behind that building that had the small fire. These were so big as to rival small town displays. And with our position on the balcony, we had a ring side seat to that and many distant displays. It is to bad that with the record tying heat today, we didn't have a hash party somewhere to watch more displays and drink more cold beer. Well, at least we will have another hot run tomorrow.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 26 Apr 2012 by Horn-E

.....Well, I arrived late again at Chip Inn for our first hash in this neighborhood tavern. The pack was just leaving. We took off straight east and into a school yard chasing after Dr. Fudge Knuckles on a live trail. Hell, who could catch him. After two blocks we had a Split and here is where the pack got strung out right from the beginning. And this is what I don't like the most about live hare trails. They tend to be more about the hare fearing he'll get caught and the pack mind set of doing whatever possible to snag the hare. Unfortunately these two goals often led to strung out packs and the rear of the pack get forgotten. At that is what happened At the first Split, the leaders were already two blocks away and running out of sight when I got to the Split and we finally decided that the course to the right and through this park was the On trail. But I ran on with Drill In My Box trying to catch up or keep them in sight. We crossed Chicago Ave and managed to catch about five hounds debating about climbing over a high wall. I followed Flying Hooters as she opted to run around and down the alley. Several followed. At the next street we could barely see the last of the pack in the west, disappearing in a turn north. We ran On and came to a Check, already made. We ran on towards Chicago and Ashland. Now it was down to Chunder Pussy Horn-E and Lifa in the rear. At Chicago Ave, Lifa passed us and headed north on the east side of Ashland. Chunder Pussy said, "Fuck this, I'm going back to the bar." Horn-E ran across the street and encountered the House Puppy, 10 K Tika Ho on her way to the bar. 10 K Tika Ho got together and headed to the bar. Horn-E headed north after Lifa, who he thought went straight north. But Lifa ranges, maybe in sight of others. There were no marks and after two blocks or more, Horn-E retreated to look for the missing marks. He finally found a mark on a curb into an alley, a Split and the trail headed north in the alley. So Lifa was probably paralleling some other hounds. But now there are no other hounds in sight. After several blocks and through a school yard, the marks suddenly changed. WTF. But he ran on, down an alley and through an empty lot and across Ashland to an unmarked Split. East proved to be wrong. Returning he went north and was back on. There was an arrow pointing to an alley across the street. This was the last mark Horn-E saw. Finally after a long, long block with no marks, he decided it was time to call it. Hopelessly behind the pack and no chance of even getting to the beer stop before it was over. Wasn't fun anymore.

.....Meanwhile, apparently the pack ran on trying to snare the hare. But it was the local cops who snared the hare, delaying him enough that Lifa while ranging spotted him and yelled for Furry Spice to snare him, and he did.

.....So we finally ended up back in the bar and the House Puppy, Happy Ass Grabber led us in a circle in the pool room.

.....Who else ran. As best as I can figure, Roofie Ragu, The Least Interesting Man In The World, W Jew 40, Brian #2, Hoosier Daddy, Two Hairnets, Glitter Spitter, Caught Red Headed, Slippery Fingers, Back Door County, String Theory, Three Men an A Horse, Just Jay, Just Dustin, Just Rick and Just Garcia. The House Puppys included Mommy Strangelove, Ass 2 Mouth, Fistful Of Pricks, Four Score In The Back Door, Are They Real and Little Trojan Annie who did a hell of a job as beer wench, keeping the cans of beer coming.

The Tale of the Trail

.... SnatchSquatch and That Thing That Vibrates laid a decent, but short trail from Its Too Soft's place. And Its Too Soft did a good job of making sure the beer was cold and plentiful and there was plenty of grub after the circle. And when it started to rain as the circle started, we quickly got two canopys set up on the roof. It actually worked well. And I didn't say any of that.

.....Trail went west in the alley with about 25 hounds. After a few Splits and a Check, the wrong direction story had me way in back trailing the pack. We finally headed west and I was running along with Just Do Me Slowly. We hit this one corner and we could see the pack to the south, standing around. Check hangers. I had see Lifa heading west towards Lincoln so I headed that way as the pack headed west. But the pack wasn't in sight. Here we go again. But I managed to see some hounds heading west so I ran over to Southport and south and there was the pack about two blocks ahead. They headed west at a Split and suddenly there was Chunder Pussy heading south, trying to parallel the pack. I followed him and we ran south of Diversey for a block. I then followed him heading east and a block ahead I saw Just Do Me Slowly, following the tail end of the pack. But as I crossed the street, Roofie Ragu came my way yelling On ON. I managed to get there just as he made a loop in the trail. Suddenly DFL to third following Roofie Ragu and Chunder Pussy. Meanwhile the pack is out of sight, probably behind us. We ran on a few more blocks and a few of the pack started to approach us as we hit another Check. Roofie Ragu was two blocks south and returning, so it didn't go that way. I went east and didn't see any marks. Suddenly Chicken Stifer runs by on the next street and yells On. But he wasn't yet. Maybe the second mark off of a Check. this is a problem with hashers who range. They are calling On to things that aren't necessarily On. but this one managed to finally get to a third arrow and we were on heading south. And the pack started to merge on us. At a Triple Split, at an alley just before Fullerton. Roofie Ragu was seen to the far west and not On. Chicken Stifer was the same to the east. So Horn-E led a few to the corner and nothing. Then, just as the light was about to change, Horn-E spotted a mark across the street. He raced across the street, just before the cars and was off, down an alley and through a gangway and into the big square in the De Paul campus. Suddenly the free range Chicken Stifer showed up in front and there was a Check. He had first shot and headed south. There was a quick Three Way and Horn-E followed, figured this was the best odds of being true trail since Chicken Stifer did come from the north. Wrong. apparently the trail did go to the north and to a different exit then the one Chicken Stifer used. Meanwhile a big loop with no marks and an On call to the north sealed Horn-E's fate and he ran north only to see a large part of the pack heading east on Fullerton. apparently there was a Split at the corner that led to a False at Its Too Soft's old condo. At least it got Fistful Of Pricks. Not sure who else. Meanwhile we headed north, through a parking area under the tracks and across Lincoln, under the El was the beer stop.

.....Only just do me slowly managed to miss the beer stop. Conversation was bad as the El was really going overhead. We finally headed back and On In.

.....Chicken Stifer held circle and after we got the tents up, it actually got pretty good and we held several long songs. Many virgins. Welcome all, Just Lexi, Just Sarah, Just Dan, Just Stephanie, Just Daniel and Just Nick. And we had one naming, Just Brian #1. something about a Panda tattoo crawling down into his ass, or was it crawling out. Anyhow, it became Gapping Panda, Hidden Homo. The rest of the pack included Glitter Spitter, Just Greg, Are They Real, R-Tard-E, Just Brian #2, Just Eh,Two Hairnets, Ice Capades, Just Cynthia, Slippery Fingers, Hoosier Daddy and Taco Balls. We had three house puppies show up, Dark Side Of The Poon, String Theory and Cock Whisperer. I think that's it.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash 6 Apr 2102 by Horn-E

.....I got an email from ex CH3 hasher, Stupid Man about setting an impromptu hash on Sat. afternoon, 7 Apr. It was one of the Moon Hash optional dates and I told him I wouldn't advertise against myself. Well, we worked it out and he promised himself and several visitors for a Fri Moon Hash, so we did it. Worked great too. We had Stupid Man, and Rump Springa, Last Hole and Eaten Alive from Waukesha waiting when I got there. Shortly after Lower Wackoff arrived and to start things off, we got a close up of a landing strip. Obviously an out of town Harriett. Then we were off. Stupid Man was running a little lame but sort of kept up with all of the loops and such on trail. Last Hole was off and running and I had to race ahead of the others to relay a short section. We decided on a beer stop in my apartment and I had to relay about a hundred feet of trail. And I missed Last Hole. He managed to run into the marks from the trail on the day before and was momentarily MIA. But he suddenly reappeared and we all headed into my place for a quick beer. After this we headed into some new territory I haven't seen hashed before. I had the pack, at least the runners, weaving back and forth while I walked and swept with Stupid Man and Eaten Alive. This worked great until they hit a check and didn't return. We were right around a corner and heard them. Then they suddenly disappeared and caught a False that was much later in trail. But they didn't quit and returned to the Check and finally found us waiting at another Check. By now we had been doing enough running and the visitors still had some driving to do, so we headed back to the bar and held a lively Moon style circle. And a nice flash or two. All right!!!. Finally they had to get going and Lower Wackoff and I finished off the night over another pint. Good time.

The Tale of the Trail

A special hash by visiting hashers for a visiting hasher passing through town. 7 Apr 2102 by Horn-E

.....When I got there, the hare, Rump Springa was already off on a live trail. We were soon off in hot pursuit. Yeah, sure. A Check at the first corner and disaster at the start. True trail went west a block and then a Split at the next corner. We eventually headed north and there were no marks. Sphinter Grease had already checked out the south. WTF. So I went back and continued checking where I had left off. Nothing. I returned to where I last saw the rest of the pack. No one was in sight. And no marks in sight. Somehow we missed each other and they were out ranging, trying to find marks. Meanwhile I had gone to a corner that was right across the street from a mark and trail. I ran on and they ranged until they found that mark and they were gone. Meanwhile I went back to the Check and that trail to the south and sure enough I was On and at another Check. Well, I ran off in all of the wrong direction, looking for marks. Finally found another mark and another immediate Check. From here I ran right past that missed mark and trail sort of headed towards Jackson Park. Anyone who has ever found themselves alone on trail knows it can take twice as long to solve Checks as with a pack. And the pack was, unknown to me, way ahead. It seemed like I was never not Checking. I'd no sooner find a second or third arrow and there was another Check. And don't forget Splits. Finally in the park things went well and I ran on to the Japanese Garden and they had a beer stop there. But they were already gone. So I ran on and struggled from there. Back out of the park it was back to the constant Checks. Ran on through the U of Chicago area eventually into the big square and a Triple Split. Never found anything there and so I had to range towards the outer part of the square and there was finally a mark leaving the area. A few hundred yards later I saw a BN. And there was the pack, Spincter Grease, Last Hole, Eaten Alive, Stab 'em & Slab 'em and Mudsucker on a bike. Where did he come from? And get this, no beer. Stupid Man handed me a freaking bottle of water. All right, I needed it, but water. They only brought 11 beer for two beer stops. The hare was already off setting the last part. We didn't follow him. Good thing too. He planned a massive Check and ran into the local gangs. Seventeen seventeen year olds wondering what he was doing in their hood. Good thing he could run fast. We just beat him into the finish.

.....Finally a beer and the beer did flow. We ate some tacos to settle us down a bit before the Venison steaks for later. We headed into the basement and held another Moon style circle. We were joined by a friend of Spincter Grease, Just Annie. Eventually Stupid Man's son showed up and saw his first circle and got a few down downs. A small turnout of three Chicago Area hashers and a nice turnout of four visitors from Waukesha who drove all the way down to see off an old friend and fellow hasher. Good trail, shitty marks, but we all got to the beer eventually.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash 28 Mar 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was to be set by Caught Red Headed, a hasher with limited experience as a hare and a virgin Hare, Drill IN My Box. Sounds dangerous. Well, they surprised us with about the best hash in town this year. Well laid. And I didn't say that and I'll swear on a stack of Biborans and Koribles. Really, a shitty bar also, Jimmy Figgs. The owner stood around all night wondering why he let this unruly mob into his back corner. But then he kept looking at the waitress selling pitchers of beer by the handful and the cash register rolling on on.

.....Did I just say on on. Well, On On. We had a big pack. 27 hounds at the start and we headed south. Horn-E was off in the lead with Head First from L. A. At the first split Horn-E was wrong and Head First was right, going right. But the whole pack missed a turn through a hole in a fence and the trail came right out to where Horn-E was and we ran on to another Split at Wacker and Washington. Trail went west and another quick Split. Keeping the pack together and they did most of the way. Trail went over a gate and down to river level but we shortcut around this and another Split. This time we headed north along the river, upper level to a Check at Lake and Canal that kept the pack screwed up for some time. Hoosier Daddy went north and was On and long gone, but no one knew it. Horn-E headed that same way and saw nothing. Finally the sweep was heading north and still Horn-E found nothing. Damn light marks. But Horn-E kept trying to keep with the front runners and finally found a mark, a split, at the bridge. Hounds headed west and north so Horn-E headed east and was soon ON. Another Split and he went east and found nothing for a block. But at the next intersection, Barf Fly had caught up and they were about to return when Horn-E spotted a mark coming from the south. We caught a short cut and we were off after blowing the horn for the pack. Again we hit a Split and we were about to check to the north when Hoosier Daddy, the real front runner returned from checking out that False trail. So we headed on east to a Check at La Salle. The FRBs scattered. Nothing. Horn-E went south to the bridge and finally saw some runners heading east again. So he headed east along the river and at Clark he returned towards where the pack should have been, only to find O'Shitty Runch heading his way. He also didn't know where the pack was. Suddenly we heard whistles and looked down at the tracks below and there was Head First leading the pack on the tracks. Apparently the real trail didn't cross La Salle, but headed into the underground parking area between the N and S lanes. Well done. Damn hares. So we ran over to Dearborn and where they would have to resurface and soon they were there being led by Head First and W Jew 40. But they couldn't find another mark. Horn-E finally spotted a hidden arrow behind a parked car and we ran on over to another Check at State. Horn-E and O'Shitty Runch were upper level tracing out False Trails when Barf Fly found trail down below and heading east again. We followed this through Splits and over to Michigan Ave and Wacker, level 2 and another Check. I could end this right here saying we ran up and down and left and right until the visitors didn't have the slightest idea of where we were. Hell, most of the in town hounds didn't either. And then we hit BN and all was good. That was the T version. The E version had O'Shitty Runch following an arrow down and up to the south and a Triple Split. He went straight and Horn-E's horn finally rescued him from a dead end. Trail went right and up to Level 1 Michigan. This went south a block and east to another Check. Roffie Ragu was off to the south and off trail Horn-E was about to go up a level when O'Shitty Runch was again yelling On 1, On 2 and I think it was Pull My Pork who found trail to the east and Level 1 Columbus. Confusion here, but the sweep hare finally headed south and we followed to Randolph and down one level to another Check. Happy Ass Grabber went north and found nothing. Roffie Ragu went south and found nothing. Horn-E was going west and found nothing but some nasty traffic that thought they owned the road. We all found nothing and neither did the rest of the FRBs ranging wherever. So Happy Ass Grabber again went north and this time he found that third arrow under a homeless guy settling in for the night. Horn-E was right behind and blew the horn for the pack. We went to Wacker and up to Level 1 and another Check. Happy Ass Grabber went west and was soon on and down to level 3 and another Check. Pull My Pork and Horn-E were heading north past some dumpsters that smelled of six day old rotton pork. No, not Pull My Pork. Probably raw and sliced and diced. Meanwhile the On call was heard at the river and the trail went east along the river. We followed. Trail came out of this section a block past Columbus and headed south into this lower lever park filled with yuppies walking there pampered pups. Definitely not Turbo Dogs. Again a Check. The pack was mostly south looking for Grant Park. So Horn-E, last to the Check, headed east and only found one mark. Then suddenly the pack was heading his way with the sweep. Looking further he spotted BN and we were off to the races. But Roofie Ragu and Pull My Pork soon ran right on by Horn-E and we found a little passage out into the park. Following the path we were soon at B and Drill In My Box. Short cutters PlattyPussy and Sweet Ho Alabama from Indiana were already there. The pack was soon all accounted for. Just Brian, our virgin was already looking for a name. Dead Homeless Guy came up. Hmmm. He looks the part. Oh wait, that was Horn-E.

.....We finally headed back, a straight walk all the way to Franklin. The Dark Kunt got the circle going and it was lively and a bit of chaos, but we got through it. The beer kept flowing and after circle we actually got into a bit of singing. All was good. Other hounds on trail included Just Frances, Momma Strangelove, Fistful Of Pricks, Suck A Cock Save A Smile, Slippery Fingers, String Theory, Sandy Syphilis, Way To Much Jism, Glitter Spitter, Dr Fudge Knuckles, Two Hairnets, Little Trojan Annie, and Furry Spice. House Puppies included Taste The Rainbow, 10 K Tika Ho, Ice Princess, Hood Whorenament and Four Score In The Back Door.

The Tale of the Trail

An April Fool's Day Hash. 28 Mar 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was a Crop Duster special and he was listed as the hare. But he moved. Was that the April Fool's Day joke. Suddenly Glory Hole came in, dressed like Crop Duster, bald head and all. He had a co-hare in Taco Balls and we ran out of J & M Tap. I counted 26 hounds. We took off to the north and the inevitable first Split. Trail went west in an alley and Lifa and I were already at the next street and we paralleled and suddenly Lifa was in front as we headed north in another alley. We finally had a Check at a high school and they were on to the north by the time I got there. We headed over to the hospital parking lot for a loop and then west. This basically went straight west until we came to the park. Here trail headed north west through the park and then back to the south and a Check. I was far enough behind that I was only running to the lead hound and off trail, so where there Checks and Splits, I don't know. But we soon crossed Division Ave in the west end of the park and I followed Lifa through the middle of the park. Lifa eventually came on to marks and we headed to the southeast corner and a Check. I think it was Lifa who found trail to the south and then into city streets. I was way behind and barely able to keep the pack in sight and not even that at times. Happy Ass Grabber and turbo dog and I ran along together as the pack headed east and somewhat along Chicago. We managed to catch at least one short cut by looking at corners and eventually the pack misread a turn arrow thinking it was an angle across the street. It was a hard right. And so, suddenly the pack is coming right back at me. We headed south and a Triple Split. True trail went down an alley and O'Shitty Runch and myself ran parallel. At Western, O'Shitty Runch crossed the street and was joined by Roofie Ragu. Suddenly I was third on true trail. Yeah, forget that. Within one block I was suddenly about 12th or 15th or 87th or something and they were leaving me behind. And soon it was Happy Ass Grabber and me again. Like that lasted. And then I was alone. But there was a BN. In that little park ahead where we've had so many Bs. Not. Right through it, but a hundred yards later I turned a corner and there was about 2/3rds of the pack in a driveway, drinking. I went into the garage and found a fancy, large bottle of beer and poured a full glass. Turned out I was one of the lucky ones. It was 312 beer. Later I helped finish the remnants of another large bottle and let me tell you, it tasted like liquid Cracker Jacks. Talk about bad. No, lets not talk about it. A few more hashers finally arrived. Horn-E beat Taste The Rainbow? What happened? Was he mugged on trail?

.....We finally left and as we walked out of the alley, SnatchSquatch was leading a small group of the lost and thirsty asking where the beer stop was. Sorry, you missed it. but don't feel to sorry. That shitty beer wasn't. They poured near beer into growlers and had everybody thinking they were drinking real beer. Glad I found the one bottle of real, good beer.

.....Back at the bar we waited until SnatchSquatch finally got in and then the beer really started to flow. And Salty Gash and That Thing That Vibrates really kept it going. Circle was held and many were given down downs especially those damn hares. PlattyPussy and his father were called into the circle just for being there. And that is when they finally revealed the mystery of the beer at the beer stop. We also had two Just Brians at the hash. We called the first one Just Brian No 1 and the other Just Brian No. 2. I preferred Just Brian the little pisser and Just Brian the little shit. No. 1 and No. 2 is just so grade school. After circle the pack drank on and on. Others on trail were Cumma Slutra, Just Cynthia, Just Julie, Momma Strangelove, Molort My Ass, Feather, The Least Interesting Man In The World, Slippery Fingers, Its Too Soft, Hoosier Daddy, Chicken Stifer, Blows Fags and Return To Gender from Madison. The House Puppies were String Theory, Ice Princess, Fistful Of Pricks, Cock Whisperer, 69 Cent Man and Way to Much Jism. x

The Tale of the Trail

Mar 7, 2012 The Chicago Full Moon Hash by Horn-E

x.....This was one of the Moon Hashes creations, a dress up Hash. We meet in a bar, this time Fullers, and we draw names out of a hat. Then we go over to the local Village Discount Center and try to buy some outrageous clothing for that person whose name we drew, to wear on the hash. We've had some outrageous outfits in the past and we lived up to that again this year. We had high hopes for a larger crowd, but unknown to the hares, another hash had a meeting at the same time.

.....Our Hares were That thing That Vibrates and Horn-E. We did have three courageous or adventurous hounds with Caught Red Headed, Roofie Ragu and Lower Wackoff. So, what were the outfits. I got off easy having to wear a XXL suit coat that looked like a zuit suit on me. And a visor that said Princess in front. But then we went down hill. Caught Red Headed got a multicolored skirt that would make a drag queen proud. It had more colors then their flag, all mashed together like scrambled eggs, hash browns, brocolli and blueberriies with catchup smothering it all. And with this was a red sleeveless dress. Roofie Ragu got a light green nightie with pink elephants all over. Then we have Lower Wackoff. He had on a pink bra with polka dot cheeries all over it. Was he cheery, I mean cherry. Not really. He also had on a pair of light blue, XL silk grannie panties. they were so large that even with his sweat pants underneath, they still fluttered in the breeze. And That Thing That Vibrates just looked cute as usual. All right, I'll tell the truth. She looked like a Mad Checkerboard. The pants were red and white small checks, but the top rivaled Caught Red Headed's skir for colores, arranged, make that not arranged it small checks.

.....And so we headed out into the dark night. well, not really. We found every busy street we could to have this little pack run down. There were a few side streets to get them to the main drags and they were in drag. We hit one Split early on and Caught Red Headed ran right. Roofie Ragu ran left. Suddenly Roofie Ragu thought he heard a whistle and streaked after Caught Red Headed like he was running the Olympic 100 Meter finals. I knew he was fast, but he wasn't about to be left alone out there in his nightie. And so it went as the pack stayed together, in fear of getting lost like that. We finally ran past a Jewel where That Thing That Vibrates went in for some beer for our beer stop. When she went to the counter to pay, the clerk thought she worked there. If that is how they dress their help, I'm going to find a new super market. Meanwhile the pack was left on their own as they headed into a neighborhood with all sorts of angled streets and weird alleys. We headed over to the beer stop and waited, drinking Heinekens. None of that cheap PBR at the Moon Hash. Suddenly the pack came into sight and we started drinking in this empty lot behind an abandoned truck. Then two guys started to come our way. One had something in his hand. A badge or a gun? Neither. A freakin' Bible. They were these born again type Bible freaks, about 25, and they wanted to pray for us. We're a freakin' hash. We're drinking good beer on trail in great weather. What else is their to pray for? Our soul? We're hashers. Hashing and beer is heaven on earth. And so they prayed and we drank beer and listened to his sermon. The Full Moon Hash has another first on a trail. As soon as they left, that irreverent bastard Horn-E sang a Hash prayer song. After alley services were over, we headed back to the bar were the bartender had water and beer waiting for us. And free beer later on. And all was good. Two Hairnets played House Puppy that night and so we gave him Lower Wackoff's stained blue panties to pose in. Now, how good is that.

The Tale of the Trail

Mar 8, 2012 The Thirstday Hash by Horn-E

.....EZ On The Ass got together with a returning 10 Dix With Wings to put together this mess from Moe's. We had a nice turnout coming to see 10 Dix With Wings return. The return of the Jewish Princess. Actually this trail didn't live up to EZ On The Ass's usual shitty qualities. It was worse. We had 27 trail hounds ready to run and we did. I'd like to tell you where we all ran, but I won't embarasses the hares. Well, not to much. I do remember running south at one point where there was a Split. Lifa went south and I thought we lost him. Trail went east and then north. but he was soon back with us and we mostly regrouped at a park until the trail was found, right through the middle. Hey, FRBs, where do you think it went. And we headed over to Pulaski and past there. I heard 10 K Tika Ho actually was in front around here. when I saw her, she was now in back with me. Those damn Splits. We went under the tracks and under a closed gate and behind a factory. I'm now behind with The Hasher Formerly Known As Pretty Foreskin and 10 K Tika Ho. We went through a little park and back under the tracks. At this point we saw the pack for the last time. We thought we were DFL for sure. But we ran/walked on. We finally climbed a fence by some homeless guys and lost trail. They probably swept up the flour for pink pancakes in the morning. But Horn-E found trail at Belmont and we headed to a Check at Milwaukee. We split here as Horn-E found trail and they fell behind. But within 17 miles, or was it blocks that seemed like miles, we arrived in an empty lot to cheers from those fast bastards. And beer. About five minutes later, about four more hounds wandered in. We weren't last after all.

.....Back at the bar, the beer started to flow thanks to That Thing That Vibrates. The Dark Kunt started a circle and we went On and On. What do you think this is, a Chicago Hash. But all was fun and eventually it ended.

Others on trail included Tampon Tampoff, Just John, Happy Ass Grabber, String theory, Roofie Ragu, W Jew 40, Little Trojan Annie, Back Door County, Malort My Ass, Ginger Snatch, Hoosier Daddy, Momma Strangelove, Pull My Pork, Soul Taco, Just Kara, Silent But Deadly, Drill In My Box, Dick In A Box, Chippendale and The Least Interesting Man In The World. We had several House Puppies in attendance, Furry Spice, Hump Me Dump Me, Rotten Whore, Fistful Of Pricks, Way Too Much Jism and Its Too Soft. Eventually we left here and many of us went on for $1 Maragarita's and breakfast. All right, it wasn't worse.

The Tale of the Trail

Mar 15, 2012 The Thirstday Hash by Horn-E

.....Mount Schwiinga laid a trail from Tai's 'til four. Technically, a fine trail for 21 trail hounds. Trouble is, this is a pack of hashers and something always goes wrong. But what? Right after the start there was a Check and Chicken Stifer and Horn-E headed east in an alley. Trail went north. At the next street we saw the pack still heading north and Chicken Stifer went east. This is sometimes were we lose Chicken Stifer. Horn-E went through a gangway and saw O'Shitty Runch checking out a Split. Meanwhile the pack found trail to the west and they were off. A few blocks later as Horn-E emerged from an alley, Chicken Stifer ran by. We didn't lose him after all. and we continued weaving east and west as the trail headed north. At Irving Park I found myself caught in trafic and couldn't really see were the pack went. Soon Roofie Ragu arrived and we took off towards Ashland and north were we spotted the pack. Then I made a fatal mistake. I stopped to remove my long sleeve shirt and put it into a back pack and the pack of hounds disappeared. When you fall behind and the trail is swept correctly, you can catch up, sometimes. But when the pack is sweeping, sometimes their arrows are a little off and that really screwed me a few times. First, there was a Check on Montrose. Whoever swept this part, followed along the south side of the street and marked a turn to the south on Damen. Trouble was the true trail went on the north side of the street and there was a Triple Split at Damen. At the Triple Split I asked some civilians which way the pack went. They said some went north and some went west. Trail went south and a half mile of Checking later, I found the turn sweep mark. Ooops. A few blocks later there was a Check at Lincoln. Again it was marked and looked like it pointed south on Lincoln. Actually, after another two blocks off trail I found the trail went south across the street and into a parking lot. Ooops. The last Ooops was at Irving Park and Damen. A six corner Intersection. First a quick Split just before, marked to the south. Then another arrow, but crossed out. Hmmm. Then across the street, another arrow pointing south on Lincoln on the east side of the street and crossed out and an F added. So I return to that previous Split and check it out. Nothing. So I cross Lincoln and find a Check I didn't know I was at. I headed south on Damen and then crossed over to Lincoln and saw an arrow pointing south on Lincoln, on the west side of the street. Ooops. And this led to a quick run to the beer stop, just before they left.

.....Back at the bar The Dark Kunt called a circle together and it went on and on. We were joined by a minipack of house puppies and the bar kept buying us free pitchers. And I couldn't drink because of the Meds I'm on. Damn. Other hounds on trail included Lifa, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cheeze Eating Surrender Monkey, Poultry Fucker, Glitter Spitter, Hoosier Daddy, Too Much Head, Two Hairnets, Cockpit, Tampon Tampoff, Secret Squirel, The Hasher Formerly Known As Pretty Foreskin, House Of The Rising Sun, Just Mel, Just Mac, Holiballs, and Clifford The Big Red Dog. the house puppies included Erin Go Buff, R-Tard-E, Fistful Of Pricks and SnatchSquatch.

On On

Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

Thirstday Hash 23 Feb 2012, by Horn-E

.....Well here we go again. Another killer hash. All right, it wasn't meant to be that long, time wise. But a long hash with a very light but steady rain combined to wipe out a lot of marks, especially at the end. We ran out of Burton Place with two Jar Heads, PlattyPussy and Chippendale laying traillike then were still in training. All right, it wasn't that bad. But we were out there for about 2:25. Yeah, almost 2 and a half hours.

.....We took off to the south with eight hounds, a small pack even on a rainy night. And it was barely a light spray. Two blocks and one Split later we had our first Check and PlattyPussy eventually had to indicate the correct direction and we followed Happy Ass Grabber. And that happened often. Over to Division and Clark, through an alley, into a garage and another Check on Clark. And again, we are scattered. I don't know who found this, but we headed east to LSD and another Check in the cold lake front wind. This was found to the south and eventually we went around the Hancock Center and through Water Tower Place to a Split that we simply couldn't find a mark off of. I was way west when somehow the pack went east and south to Chicago Ave. Unfortunately I saw Roofie Ragu heading east or I would have had a good excuse to return to the warmth of the bar. But we were at another Check and again the hare, Chippendale had to start walking in the correct direstion to help us out. We just couldn't find more thenone mark. This led to another Split, through a garage and finally another Check. This time Taste The Rainbow found the third mark at the far end of a parking lot. The first two marks were MIA. We ran over to grand and east to another missing mark. This time Horn-E got lucky and found the marks on walls under a construction tunnel. We then headed over to Navy Pier. That figures, two Marines had to show their connection to the Navy. But did we have to run all over it. We finally came out following Pull My Pork who eventually led us to a beer stop just under LSD. We needed that. Now lets head bacck to the bar. Oooops, not. We headed over the Chicago River and headed along the river to another Check at Michigan and Wacker. This one took us quite a while and we really ranged all over before we finally headed north on Michigan and into the lower level. From here I could see the pack disappearing, but barely kept Hoosier Daddy in sight. We Checked at State and somehow I ended up running in front with Hoosier Daddy and PlattyPussy as we kept going west. At La Salle we ended up with Malort My Ass, The Dark Kunt, Happy Ass Grabber, and Horn-E watching the hare try to figure out where in hell the trail went next. Even technology wasn't helping. Finally roofie RAgu came sprinting up like a desperate wet hound glad to find someone he knew. Finally the pack was called by Platty Pussy and we headed north, following him, as we worked our way over to Wells and over to the B location, a block from Burton Place. As Horn-E finally just quit running and started walking, along came Pull My Pork and Taste The Rainbow came out of no where, also lost.

.....We sat in the bar about 15 minutes before someone arrived with hash cash and we finally got some beer, about 10:10. Then all the cuddly little House Puppies arrived, including Strring Theory, Barf Fly, Furry Spice, Glitter Spitter, Drill In My Box, Four Score In The Back Door and The Least Interesting Man In The World.

.....Happy Ass Grabber led a relaxed circle, because we damn well weren't going to stand up. We didn't let any of the House Puppies participate for quite a while as we punished the hares over and over with the same song, "Off We go." Finall we let the rest into the circle andlet Four Score In The Back Door led the circle. Then we kept giving him down downs. Finally six of us left about 1AM. We drank the bar out of Bud and were stuck with Bud Light.

The Tale of the Trail

26 Feb 2012. by Horn-E

.....SnatchSquatch was going to lay a trail out of Ollie's, but he had a family emergency and Lifa pitched in and with a map from SnatchSquatch, he laid the trail with an assist from Chicken Stifer. We had 21 Trail Hounds on this trail, and immediately started out with what looked like a real hare fuck up, but we finally saw SnatchSquatch waving to us a block behind. I'm still not sure what went wrong, but we started south and had a Check on Sheridan. Back Door County headed east and Virgin Banger and Horn-E were close behind as she found the trail. It led to a Triple Split at the park and I ended up going north while the pack headed south and east through a tunnel into the park. I ended up going under LSD with Pussy Chunder and saw the pack do a small loop near us with Roofie Ragu leading the way and the pack short cutting to him. And so we headed south to another Check and then another by a big parking lot. Now the pack got screwed up. They headed for a tunnel, but the trail didn't. Add in the mix of small dots of flour that were sometimes there in the wind and nice dry wall marks that were there. But the pack was off, none the less. So Horn-E headed over towards the lake and eventually found three arrows on a brake water that led nowhere as a few marks in flour disappeared in the stiff wind. But it did lead to a Back Check and Horn-E was already heading back anyway because of the missing marks when Lifa, sweeping on his bike, pointed out a mark on a rock where some fat lady was sitting and blocking it. Ooops. So he headed inland to another mark and Roofie Ragu and Just A Dan passed him and we were soon heading to the Montrose hill. At the top we found nothing. apparently we missed the T and E Split and Roofie Ragu and Horn-E ran down the hill looking for any mark. Roofie Ragu found a BN and they led the pack to a B at the entrance of the harbor. From here we headed east on Montrose and a little loop by a few hounds ahead of me led me onto the second Eagle Trail. I followed Virgin Banger on this trail and then saw Pussy Chunder taking a short cut straight south and there was soon Roofie Rage. Well, that worked. But after another two Splits, Horn-E and Pussy Chunder found themselves a block west when the pack went east. So, they looped around and that was the last they saw of the pack. They Split and Horn-E headed towards the Turkey Trail and followed it until it headed back south. Screw that. I don't need a beer that bad and the trail wasn't fun anymore and I headed straight back to the bar, arriving just before the pack. When I told the virgin what I did, his response was, "Good call." Hmmm.

.....Beer was soon flowing and SnatchSquatch led a circle. And the hares, all three of them, drank a lot of beer for that shitty trail and weather and everything else we cound think of. we did get introdused to our visitor, Just A Dan, brought my just Carissa. We also got quite a few down downs for the two visiting sisters, Just Mel and House Of The Rising Sun. After the circle we really learned a lot about the two sisters. They both have motor mouths. And the owner of the bar started offering everyone a plate, full, of some damn good pub grub. Well done and thanks. And of course we had all of the peanuts we could eat. And again, I closed the bar with the sisters and Hoosier Daddy and Its To Soft this time. Others on trail included That Thing That Vibrates, String Theory, Two Hairnets, Cumma Slutra, Cum In My Ass Fault, Poultry Fucker, R-Tard-E, Just Mike, Taco Balls and The Least Interesting Man In The World. We had two House Puppies, O'Shitty Runch and Two Girls One Cupcake.

The Tale of the Trail

The Ho Hash, Valentine's Day, Feb 14, 2012 by Horn-E

.....Valentine's Day. Who would show? Horn-E walked into the bar and there was one beautiful Harriet, Ginger Snatch, sitting there. He immediately asked her to be his Valentine and she accepted. Proof was when she stuck her freezing hands in his arm pits at the beer stop to warm them up. Eventually five more Harriets showed up in this Fantasy. Lucky horny old fart. Only four headed out on trail and the hare, International Virgin and two Harriets, Anal Assault and We'll Banger headed to the beer stop. Horn-E headed off to the south on Elston with three beautiful Harriets, Ginger Snatch, Just Do Me Slowly and Drill In My Box chasing him. Yes, chasing him. We then headed south on Pulaski after Horn-E solved the first Three Way to his satisfaction. Three ways were everywhere on this trail. And Horn-E with three Harriets. Yes!!!. We had another three way in two blocks and this time Horn-E ended up chasing three Harriets around. One block later was another three way. The Harriets missed the true trail and Horn-E found it and led the Harriets west through several more Splits and three ways until the dreaded three way from hell. Horn-E went left a block and didn't see anything. There was ice and snow and apparently some pink flour that blended in. And Horn-E missed it. He saw Just Do Me Slowly heading north and ran parallel to catch up. That was the last he was seen on trail. Only a slow old man could lose three beautiful Harriets in the dark. And all to himself. Two blocks later Horn-E was stopped the police. Why were those women running around blowing whistles? Where you harassing them? Fifteen minutes in the back of a squad car, shackled by two bimbo cops (damn bimbo bullies, picking on a dirty old man) and a check with head quarters when he was finally released. He then ran a total of 12 blocks before finally getting back on trail. Now where were those Harriets? Well, the trail went On and On through Checks and those damn Three Ways with no one to share them with. Finally Horn-E crossed the Expressway and into a little park and there were six beautiful Harriets. And just in time to catch Ginger Snatch returning from the bushes. Now where are those warm sweaty arm pits. But it was a nice location and we had a real load of beer.

.....We also had a couple of Fosters, the favorite beer of the missing Bloody Asshole. And we toasted him. He is a good friend, his mother hash is the Chicago Hash, and he is missing in the wilderness around Las Vegas. And hope is running out. Bloody Asshole, you were toasted by six beautiful Harriets. And by coincidence, Drill In My Box pointed out that Horn-E was the first hasher she met. And it was on a Day when Bloody Asshole was going to hare for a Moon Hash and lost the directions to the bar, so she never met him. That was his last trip to Chicago. We'll miss you old buddy.

.....We then headed back to the bar where there were three more Harriets, 10 K Tika Ho and a Rotton one and Cum In My Ass Fault waiting the Horniness. And yes. there are pics of Horn-E surrounded by all of them. Beautiful ladies. This can't get much better when Mudsucker walks in the door. Damn. But we moved on to the next part where International Virgin had a list of our names we had to pick from, and we were to make a Valentine for our Valentine. I drew International Virgin and she got a pic of Marilyn Monroe, displayed on red velvet, and the words, "How I always dream of You" Isn't Horn-E sweet. What a ham. And he got a Valentine from Drill In My Box, "nude, sexy, Loose Lips, Bunny, Winner. and how Horn-E would like too. Horn-E won best dressed guy. Well, the only one. A box of Chocolates, with cheeries. After circle we were eventually joined by EZ On The Ass and all in all, another successful Ho Hash. Let me sum it up this way. A Horn-E old man walked into a Fantasy and found an International Virgin with a Ginger Snatch wanting a Drill In My Box as long as You Just Do Me Slowly. Later we got into some Anal Assault with some beer as long as We'll Banger. The we returned to the Fantasy for some more action with two Hoes, a Rotton one and a 10 K Tika one and all was good as long as he Cums In My Ass Fault. Then some Mudsucker came along and spoiled the odds. But it was all good in the end and EZ On The Ass.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Thirstday Hash, 9 Feb 2012 by Horn-E

...This trail with its hares was about honoring Sphincter Grease, just returning from Afghanistan, for his tour of duty. Well done. The other hares were Return To Gender from Madison and EZ On The Ass. The bar was the Atlantic, and there was about 30 trail hounds at the start. Well done. We took off to the south with a quick Check. I saw Hoosier Daddy flying down Lincoln like he knew something. Like maybe seeing the marks on his way to the bar. He never returned, while everyone else went off on a False. So upon returning, Horn-E led us south and the FRBs soon passed him and we were on to the east and a quick beer check. Huh. But off again to the west on a zigzag course that led to some real easy shortcutting and Hoosier Daddy and Horn-E did just that and came upon Happy Ass Grabber a few blocks later checking out a Check. And we were On and leading to the west until we got to a park and Happy Ass Grabber and the pack soon passed us. From here we came to a Check at a bridge. Now normally I would think, over the bridge and all of the parks there. Wrong. It was north through the east side park and I spent the rest of the night playing catchup as the pack went north in the park, under a road in a tunnel and on to the northeast. We DFLs struggled to keep each other in sight and the rest of the pack. I almost caught up to Ginger Snatch as she was checking out a Split, but the pack went the other way and she was soon gone. We got back to the pack as they came south on Western and we missed the turn north. We finely got lucky. We crossed Western and headed east on an angled street. Hmmm. The front of the pack is missing. That means a turn to the south and Horn-E headed for an alley and saw some front runners ahead. Blowing the horn, a bunch of us caught a short cut and we ran on and south to a big park where the pack was gathering for a beer stop. Beer? Coors Light? Finely someone showed up with some PBR. But it was getting cold and we soon filtered off to the west and the bar.

.....The back room had some trivia game going on so we had to take over the front of the bar. Actually drove a large table of civilians out of the area. Sorry guys, but when the Dark Kunt takes over circle, she takes no prisoners. And a hearty circle was held. We could finally quit listening to the visitors bitching about a four mile trail being to long. I know everyone calls it a drinking club with a running problem. Well, run. Actually it is a running club that has no problem drinking beer. Finally the Dark Kunt put on her edible candy thong and was attacked by hungry hounds eating away at her crotch. I was wondering, was she farting all over that candy. Eat away guys and girls. I'm sure there will be pitchers posted. You'll have to check that out for yourself. Circle finally ended and the pack settled into eating and drinking. I know I left well after midnight when Just Mike offered me a ride part way home. Good time. Hounds on trail, as best as I can remember included Chippendale, Fistful Of Pricks, Drill In My Box, Dick In The Box, Little Trojan Annie, O'Shitty Runch, Bubbles, from Waukesha, Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown, Whoreo, W Jew 40, Just Vincenzo, Glitter Spitter, That Thing That Vibrates, Glory Hole, Just Mike, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off (yeah, she's still around. Summer must be just around the corner), Furry Spice, Silent But Deadly, Just Lilly, Two Hair Nets, Pecker Mache, Dick Licker, Eaten Alive. I also saw a litter of House Puppies, Rotton, Cock Whisperer, String Theory, Its Too Soft, and Salty Gash.

The Tale of the Trail

12 Feb 2012, by Horn-E

.....That Thing That Vibrates and Ass Capades laid trail out of Ravens. We had about 31 hounds at the start and were soon off to the north and down an ice covered alley. I was in back as we took off and along with Salty Gash, we were trailing SnatchSquatch as he slid on his ass for about forty feet. Or was he just showing off his slip and slide technique. We ran on and were soon at a Check on Fullerton at the edge of the park. Hounds were everywhere and the On call came from the south. This lead to a another quick Check and just as I was looking to the Zoo Entrance, SnatchSquatch was relaying an On call from within the zoo. Passed the Polar Bear, the only one out, and he was just sitting in front of his door waiting to go inside. We tame and train these animals to much. This is Polar Bear weather. He should have been swimming. Whatever, we ran on and the pack did a big loop through the zoo. SnatchSquatch spotted them returning and heading towards the main entrance so he and Horn-E took a short cut around the Lion House and we headed out the main entrance. Somehow the pack was scattered and as I headed over to the edge of the park, I saw a hasher heading south on Clark blowing a whistle. We headed that way and saw Lifa heading across Armitage and then Clark and we eventually found our way to a shot stop. Some missed this and were already off at the next Check on Wisconsin. Not in Wisconsin, on Wisconsin and Lincoln. Saw two hashers returning from the south so I headed east. After one block I saw a hidden arrow. Clue. This might be it. A block later I yelled On two and O'Shitty Runch crossed the street right in front of me and saw the third arrow and we were On. The back was soon right behind us and headed into an alley, north and across Armitage into a section of town houses. Horn-E headed north on Lincoln knowing they had to come out up ahead. I love local knowledge. The pack did and at the next street, they headed west. When I got to the corner I saw them disappearing to the west and heading north. Meanwhile I saw Chicken Stifer walking north on Lincoln. Did he know something? Apparently not. At the next parking section I saw the pack heading into Oz park. I'm thinking, beer stop. I headed that way and it was. The front pack was converging between a few trees at the beer. And Chicken Stifer didn't make it. Meanwhile, most of the pack didn't make it either. Finally we saw them hanging around the tennis courts. It only takes one set of eyes to spot us and eventually we were spotted and the back pack came racing across the grass to the beer. Weather was nice, the sun was out and we had beer. And finally Salty Gash arrived declaring she was with the pack and suddenly they were gone. Yeah, we've heard that before. Well, at least she made the beer stop. Not all did. From here the pack eventually headed back to the bar, on trail and off as some headed over to see where the St. Valentine's Day massacre took place.

.....Back at the bar we were greeted by our bartender who watched our bags, soon gave us some free pitchers and a bottle of whiskey to pour around, and at another time a round of shots. Well done and thanks. Lifa got circle going and the hares drank plenty for that shitty trail. We called in the visitors, The Bible of Sex and Daddy Pucker, names changed to protect the guilty, and Help Me I'm Wet. And they sang a song for us. Damn, no tits. Then there were the visitors, Just Cynthia, Just Katherine and Just Penny. We brought out Its Too Soft to demonstrate how to do a down down. And then he had to do it twice. SnatchSquatch and O'Shitty Runch were called out for falling on ice. And of course the usual 37 other violations of hash tradition. Finally we closed the circle and settled into drinking. And we went On and On watching Just Vincenzo knocking over blocks until we thought the building was coming down. So, who else was there? Well we could start with The Least Interesting Man I The World, but that wouldn't be interesting. So lets just list the rest of the Trail Hounds. Just Ehh, The Dark Kunt, PlattyPussy, Back Door County, Pussy Chunder, Barf Fly, Feather, Sandy Syphilis, Two Hairnets, Just Katy, Mount Schwiinga, Glory Hole, and Taco Balls who is new to Chicago, We also had a few house puppies, Hoosier Daddy, Momma Strangelove, and Cumma Slutra.The Tale of the Trail

The Big Dogs Hash Hash, Sat, Jan 14, 2012 by Horn-E

.....This was the annual 8 Beer Stop Hash set by Horn-E with Two Hairnets giving a good assist on his first time haring. We buried beer in the woods near the Indian burial ground and then headed over to the north end of Catherine Chevalier Woods, our usual start. We were in luck with over five inches of fresh snow. We had a long stretch of woods trails and off woods stuff before we got to the first beer stop. From here it was just looking for good hideouts for the beer and finishing trail.

.....As we got in to the finish, there was a solid pack of thirsty hounds waiting. 14 hounds were soon off on trail. I waited back to direct the injured Or G to the 8 beer stop so he and Gas Stop Bob could walk over there. We had two late comers, EZ On The Ass and Happy Ass Grabber who arrived late and met us around the 4 beer stop. And the co-founder of the 8 beer stop hash, Rear Loader showed up to run but he had his Big Dog with him. Not a runner and he dropped out early. So, 13 hounds did the whole trail.

.....As I tried to catch up, I found the pack still struggling at the first Check. Damn, was it that hard. I headed towards the true trail and suddenly O'Shitty Runch was coming backwards on the true trail. He was soon off in the correct direction and running out of sight yelling On On. The pack swept in from all directions and were soon right behind him as we hit a little stream. Stream. Stagnant slush sounds better. Some jumped over it and some tried to go over on slippery logs. Uploader was struggling with the whole concept and Horn-E finally directed him around and several followed, including Just Do Me Slowly who would have drowned in that slush. We soon came out at a path where there was the usual Check. O'Shitty Runch and SnatchSquatch were off on the east false trails and the west false trails got more then a few. But Asscapades was on to the north and into the woods for a big loop and another crossing of River Slush. This is the last I saw of Rear Loader and his dog. Bull Mastiffs aren't trail hounds. But don't fuck with them. Meanwhile the trail led to another Check in the heart of the woods. It does a hares heart good when the hounds fall for both Falses. Lifa to the left and O'Shitty Runch to the right. Straight was On and the pack soon followed. We crossed a path and headed to another path in the woods for our fourth Check. Again we regrouped as the trail went the simple way, to the right and down a long path. Now I don't know why and I don't intend to ask, but up ahead, someone was dragging That Thing That Vibrates down the path like a sled. No, not a chain saw or a vibrator. That Thing That Vibrates. Hmmm. Macho man, beautiful Harriet, wild woods all around. Hmmm. But somehow, they ran off. And so did the pack to another Check. Got Uploader on that one. We went straight to a Back Check. From here we went east to the burial ground and the 1 beer stop. But they never found the beer and the mark was messed up. Damn. someone found the beer. Must have been the injured beer using it to kill the pain. Yeah, we did see an injured deer when we laid that part. Limping and a section of leg, like between the shoulder and elbow was completely devoid of fur and just raw meet. She won't last long. But that is nature at its rawest. So they ran on past the den of the Great Hairy Vole. Actually we did see a tiny little Vole in a hole in a tree, about five feet off the ground. Shivering and eerily watching those damn scary humans taking pictures. Yeah, I got one too. Just ahead was the 2 Beer Stop. That Thing That Vibrates and O'Shitty Runch were first at that one, at the top of a little hill. The rest of the pack ran on and the next lucky hounds were Just Katy, Just Rich and Uploader who found the beer in a hollow log. They ran on and O'Shitty Runch and That Thing That Vibrates again scored with some beer in a tree, eight feet up in the air. I believe EZ On The Ass and R-Tard-E also scored on this 4 beer stop. Five was then funny. Hidden in some tall grasses, Asscapades found in and the laid down with in the grasses, trying to hide from the others. Worked too, for a while. They finally charged him and got the other four beers. 6 beer stop was across a bit of frozen water, that looked like slush from before. Whoreo and Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown were on that one and finally shared what was left. Seven was at a crossroads and SnatchSquatch had the last two. O'Shitty Runch and R-Tard-E slid into him and under him trying to get that last beer. Lifa and Ball Cock Dumper finally got some beer here. From here there were two Falses and they caught them both. And Whoreo and Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown were seen sitting and cuddling on a log in the woods while they finished a beer. We ran on to the 8 beer stop and there was Or G and Gas Stop Bob waiting with the 8 beers and some more.

.....From here, Horn-E went after some down down beer and met the pack on the return for a few quick down downs. Then we all got into cars and headed towards Rabbit's where the bartender made a mistake and gave us $7 pitchers for the first 14 before realizing the mistake. Hey, most of us ate food and really made the bars day. We deserved a break in price. And we held another circle and all had a good time. We finally finished the last pitcher and Two Hairnets finally offered me a ride home. I went home and collapsed.

The Tale of the Trail

The Second City Hash, 1/1/2012 by Horn-E

I counted on the CTA again. I looked on the Internet and they told me to take a bus that doesn't run on Sun. Bastards. So, there I am at the end of the Peterson route and the wind is howling. Walk. Not hardly. It was freaking cold and I would have to walk right into that blast. So I waited in the shelter for the bus. When it was late I looked further and noticed that the sign had no Sunday service. But that blast of wind died down and I took off for about a mile and a half of jogging/walking as I headed west on Devon and north on Milwaukee. I finally passed the On In mark and there was the pack, just starting out. Well, the trail wasn't south. I was there. So we headed north and we were soon ON. A small pack with three walkers, W Jew 40, Just Do Me Slowly and Dickens Cider. Huh!!! But the runners were off and running, through some side streets and into a brief section of woods ending at a Check. I think this is where the pack fucked up. I heard an On call from across the bridge from Yer Anus. It really wasn't. But the last mark was pointing north and the pack headed north. Actually the trail did head north, but on the west side of the river. And it went to a beer stop near Howard and in a gazebo. And the only one to find this, and verify it was the usual late comer, The KGB. Since not a single Check or Split was marked, he found the true trail where we fucked up. Meanwhile, Yer Anus finally found a mark heading east and to a Check. It was Erin Go Buff who found this and then lost it at a Split. But Golden, yeah the hasher we haven't seen in who knows how long, found the trail into the woods. And off we went. Yer Anus finally found the trail out of the deep woods closely followed by Horn-E, Erin Go Buff and Little Trojan Annie. We quickly came to a BN. But no beer. The hare was back at the first Beer Stop and no one was coming. Since B wasn't actually marked, we finally found a mark on the east end of this open grassy area and the four of us were off and running. Some runners followed in the distance, and the walkers were way behind. We ran on and into woods again emerging at a bridge and a Check. Erin Go Buff found this to the east and we did a small loop through a small section of woods before Horn-E grabbed the lead and led us up towards Devon. Here Yer Anus grabbed the lead and led to another BN. Again, no beer. We eventually all gathered here with the arrival of the walkers and Lower Wackoff, Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown, Whoreo, and the new guy. What is his name? Is he Rhotan's son? Last time we saw him was at another Rhotan/Second City Hash, on Marathon day. Erin Go Buff was really freezing. this isn't Hawaii and it isn't even cold yet. We hid out of the wind by a building and suddenly Rhotan showed up with all of his usual excuses on how we missed the best trail ever. Well, if it was the best trail this year, if that trail was so fantastic, the beginning that we missed must really be great, because the rest was Rhotan's usual shitty trail, and so we sang it in the circle.

Since the original bar, Capone's Hideout wasn't open, so we moved over to Yackoos, a Moon Hash favorite bar. The bartender new us and gave us a buck off on pitchers. We brought in food and had a good party and shitty circle in the back room. The KGB finally found us, and our one house puppy of the day, Bloody Thighs finally arrived with the chilly chili. But Rhotan soon had that warming up and all was good.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash, Tue, Jan 10, 2012 by Horn-E

.....On one of the last beautiful days of the winter before the snows really come in, Horn-E laid a trail from Rabbit's. Last time here, a month and a half ago, we had about eight hashers in the rain. Only Lower Wackoff took advantage of the beautiful weather and some fun running in the woods under the full moon. While we had an easy run to the edge of the woods, there was a Check at Cicero that only teased the hound. Trail went along Cicero on a side street and finally entered the woods by the river and another Check. Running alone, Lower Wackoff continually found the wrong directions, but running in these conditions, it was fun and who cared.It was beautiful and calm and peaceful in the woods under the full moon. Finally we ran a loop over to Forest Glen, across the river past three deer in the dark and back to Cicero. We were Checking here and Lower Wackoff found trail along the north of the river to a long False. Hey, sometimes you get lucky. He didn't. We finally headed east along the south side of the river where the hare really fucked up. Who, Horn-E. Yeah. He refuses to use flashlights and headed off into the woods, further along the trail then he thought, trying to loop some wetlands. But being further along trail then he thought, and not being able to see shit in the dark, he found himself running in a big loop. He didn't know where the hell he was until he came out on a path and saw his previous Check. Damn. Shit happens. And Lower Wackoff made the same loop only to loose it towards the end and actually pick up on the marks from the last Bushman Hash, over three weeks prior. Like I said, Shit happens. So we finally found ourselves in the now full light of the moon and ran on to the beer stop, on a trestle over the river. Moonlight shimmering on the gently rippling river from the now high full moon. A great and familiar spot for a beer stop. From here it was on back where we found the injured Or G waiting for us, some damn good Smithick's Beer and good burgers.

The Tale of the Trail

The First Crack of the Moon Hash Fri Sep 30, 2011 by Horn-E

.....We ran out of Stocks and Blondes and our hares were The International Virgin and 10 Dix With Wings. We only had four hounds on trail and a sorry bunch at that. SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Horn-E and Uploader. And Uploader was running slow enough to cum in Dead Fucking Last. Horn-E managed to be FRB only because he guessed right at most Splits and Checks near the end while Uploader kept taking the wrong course. Maybe after teaching 10 Dix With Wings how to lay trail, he new most of her tricks.

.....It rained earlier so the hares went and laid real wide, long marks that made it easy to follow. And we all tried to stay together and make sure we relayed the On call to other hounds. Trail went north and east with all hounds getting in front on a few occasions. And the regular DFLs were enjoying the chance to find marks themselves. We finally had a loop back towards the east and the hares nailed us with a loop back west. Damn hares. At the next Check Horn-E finally got his turn in front checking out the only avenue left to check. This led them over to Clinton and we started to the south. We went back and forth a bit until we finally went around the south end of Union Station. Another block south and we had another Check. From here on Horn-E really got lucky as he led us east, over the river, back north past Sears Tower, or is it now the Big Willie, and another Check. Uploader headed north towards the bar and Horn-E headed east and we went past Wells. Sneaky hares. We now ran over towards the Board Of Trade and the protesters, protesting others' successes while they did nothing to succeed themselves. Strange. Horn-E kept waiting, to keep our little pact of togetherness in tact, until he saw the following threesome. Blew his horn and ran on. We went north on Clark and finally headed back towards the bar. We hit one intersection, Monroe and La Salle with no marks. Uploader finally caught Horn-E and headed straight, again picking wrong. So Horn-E headed west and after a block he found a mark heading On In. That street was the only street on trail were marks disappeared and it had just started to rain. So we came in, relatively dry, and settled into some high priced beer.

.....Actually it was cheap beer, priced high. A whopping $12/pitcher for crappy Lite. They ran out of the $10 stuff. Then SnatchSquatch did a strip in the middle of the bar to put on dry clothes. About ten minutes later, an ambulance arrived to tend to the three bimbos stricken with sudden blindness.

.....We conducted a casual circle, Moon style, and no heavy down downs due to the prices of beer. Suggestion: always try to consider cheap prices with smaller hashes as we can't get any special deals for small hashes. Down town beware. But the larger groups can still do those and work deals. We did have a big contingent of House Puppies arrive. Its Too Soft arrived in circle. Then as we were finishing, Crop Duster and Goat Flow Opa arrived. Shortly later Salty Gash and Glory Hole arrived, and finally Lifa arrived. So we had a nice social group at least.

The Tale of the Trail

The Chicago Full Moon Hash, Fri, Aug 12, 2011 by Horn-E

Some interesting things on this trail. We hared out of Ola's and our two hares were Just Do Me Slowly and Magnetic Muff, two experienced and long time hares. And they did surprise us. Before the hash, Magnetic Muff said that while laying trail she almost called me to help get her out. Get her out." Oh, Oh.

We had a grand total of two hounds for this trail, Lower Wackoff and Horn-E. Not slow and not fast. More like half fast. And we took off going right and left, back and forth as we took turns at almost every Split or Check taking the lead. The trail even went underground at one point, into the narrow passages of urine stained dirty tunnels. Ha. I missed that part. After that we caught Horn-E mounting some pussy in a dark street. He really is Horn-E. Will one of you Harriets help him out? Finally Horn-E led the pack, okay, Lower Wackoff and the two sweeps under a tunnel and along a street with ten foot weeds growing over the fences. And suddenly there was an arrow pointing to a hole in a fence and into the weeds. Urban shiggy at its best. There was concrete patches everywhere and the weeds growing out of the concrete were over 3 feet high. The rest got up to six and seven feet high. If you like this, you'd love the Bushman coming up next week. Read that as a cheap plug by the hare. We finally came to what looked like the end. And the hares were taunting us from beyond the fence. Look for the hole. Hell, we have been looking for the hole our whole lives. We finally did find the hole in a tangle of weeds so thick they could strangle your first born. We needed a weed wacker with an axe. And Lower Wackoff forgot one. Hell, we are in the city. Where did these to bimbos ever find this shiggy. I don't often give praise, but they had real balls to come in here alone. But all good things come to an end and we finally, with some difficulty, crawled through the fence at a gate and went on into the dark dingy streets and alleys of Chicago. With death around every corner. Well, not really. But death had been there. We went down one dark alley and into another looking for a mark. Nope. So we checked back and Horn-E saw this tiny glow in the dark that we missed as we ran forward. Just after a dumpster and nestled almost behind a telephone poll was a little box. It had about 18 red carnations in a vase above it, with about a dozen candles in glass containers burning away inside it. Behind them was a small picture of the Virgin Mary. Damn Horn-E will always find a way to get virgins into the story. But apparently someone died there and this was a shrine for him. Imagine, a shrine buried behind a dumpster. Sorry dude, but that is a hell of a place for your shrine. But Lower Wackoff did finally spot an arrow and the hounds were off. And a few blocks later we were in another liquor store bar enjoying a cold beer. It was about a mile back to the bar where we settled into some more beer and a laid back circle, juke box mostly off and no damn rap music when it was on. Pitchers were $7 and we only had two paying hounds. But with excess money from the Bizarre Bazaar into our beer fund, we drank several more pictures. A damn good time for such a small group.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail

The Bushman Hash #73, 18 Jun 2011, by Horn-E

.....This was set in St. Paul Woods in Morton Grove, and we had the usual hare, Horn-E starting off on his seventh year of haring every Bushman Hash. Lifa and Or G signed up to hound and we had a surprise hound in Chicken Stifer. We finally took off to the north and into the woods. At the river, which was way down from what was expected, we had a Check. Chicken Stifer was on to the east, but missed the turn down to the rivers edge for a river crossing on slippery rocks. We didn't loose anyone and headed into the woods and up to the tracks. We crossed the trestle and right back under the tracks for a Check. Or G was on along the river and we finally came to a small stream and a log crossing. Chicken Stifer was first to it and over it and he led us west to the next Check. Or G and Lifa went to the right and inland, which would have gotten them into a long Check. But Chicken Stifer found that third arrow and this led to a Split just before another stream crossing. No log this time and the pack worked their way upstream looking for marks and the inevitable Back Check. By then Chicken Stifer had crossed the stream and as they worked their way back down stream he found the On Trail. This led through another muddy area and up a hill to the bike path. Left along the bike path and into the woods, over another stream and up to the field of scritchy scratchy. No problem as the hounds followed Chicken Stifer into the field and eventually after over a hundred yards of thigh high scritchy scratchy. More bike trail and then along the river bank to another Check. Lifa found this across the bike path and off through some woods and waist high grasses, a picnic area, more woods and finally a bridge crossing. The pack ran on along the river to a Split, just before a nasty stream crossing. Lifa was already on the alternate course and across the stream with the sweep following. They ran on along the river and into high weeds and deep woods to a Check. Then after this, it was back to the river and finally through deep woods and into a picnic area and another Check. From here, trail went along the top of a small hill and then into a swamp area. The ground was a soft as one of these new kiddy playgrounds, but you had to swing on trees instead of swings with mommy pushing you. And this was a Back Check. Gotcha. They then ran on to another Back Check and finally into a picnic area. And at the far end, Horn-E was waving with cold beer. The hounds ran on in. Chairs were brought out and pretzels and more cold beer and we all sat around, covered in a bit of mud and bug spray. The bugs never came and we sat for an hour or two, alternately giving each other down downs and casually drinking some good beer and telling tale tales. What it is all about, good trail and good beer.